


Caught up

by Angara



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternative Universe - Human, Anal Play, Angst, Asphyxiation, BDSM, Bondage, Collars, Dom/sub, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, Extremely Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Light Choking, Light Humiliation, Loki is a brat, M/M, Model!Loki, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Overdosing, Past Child Abuse, Professional!Dom Thor, Riding Crops, Rough Sex, Safewords, Sex Toys, Slow Burn, Smut, Spanking, Spit As Lube, Suicidal Thoughts, mentions of disordered eating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:35:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 94,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25532200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angara/pseuds/Angara
Summary: As their eyes met, Thor’s smile slipped from his face just as a sharp grin spread on Loki’s.“Mister Odinson?” He asked, his voice cool and silky, as he stretched out his now naked hand for Thor to shake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”Looking back Thor knew that he could have never been ready for Loki.Loki, who works as a model seeks out Thor as a professional Dom. Thor does everything he can to not get tangled up- but will he succeed in keeping control?
Relationships: Loki/Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 369
Kudos: 426
Collections: Best Thorkis





	1. Chapter 1

Thinking back, everything about that day was kind of fuzzy. Thor couldn’t quite tell which client he had had before, he wasn’t sure what day of the week or the month it was. The only thing that stood out sharply, with every detail, was Loki. 

Loki arrived neither early, nor too late, the doorbell rang at exactly four pm and Thor stopped what he was doing, even though he couldn’t remember what that was, to go and open the door. Even as he crossed the room, his trademark smile was already lighting up his face, to welcome his new client. 

This was always the fun part. The surprise. And even after eight years in the business, he always felt the same tingle of curiosity, when opening the heavy oak-wood door, leading into his studio. 

There were people of all kinds coming to see him. Balding men in suits, young college students who had saved up for the experience, women wearing high heels and pearl necklaces, or guys covered in tattoos and piercings. 

Some were kinky so obviously, that Thor would have been able to guess their preferences from across the street, casually wearing collars wherever they went, while others only revealed that part of their persona within the safety of these rooms.

What united them all, was a deep need, a match to the one Thor had felt for years. 

They came to be tied up, to be beaten, or humiliated and Thor was there to give them what they needed. 

And while eight long years of experience, weren’t long enough to make the element of surprise disappear from his work, he did believe that after all he had seen, he at least wouldn’t be subject to shock again when facing a new client. 

Oh, how wrong he had been. 

Looking back, he knew that he could have never been ready for Loki. 

When he opened the door, he was confronted with the image of a tall, pale man, wearing a black coat, with an upturned collar that made his sharp jawline stand out all the more. The expert tailoring of the coat’s heavy material as well as the arrangement of the rows of golden buttons gave an idea of the natural curves and lines of the body waiting underneath. The way it was cut, it slightly accentuated the man’s waist, giving him a more feminine silhouette than what would have been typical. 

The young man was caught mid-movement by Thor, as he tugged pine-coloured leather gloves off his long fingers, revealing the pale skin beneath.

And as their eyes met, Thor’s smile slipped from his face just as a sharp grin spread on Loki’s. 

“Mister Odinson?” He asked, his voice cool and silky, as he stretched out his now naked hand for Thor to shake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Yes. Likewise,” Thor said while giving Loki’s slim, cold hand a squeeze. “Come on in. Please have a seat.” 

He opened the door farther and stepped aside, to allow Loki to enter, which he did, moving in long, graceful strides. 

“I hope you do realize how very inconvenient this is for me, Mister Odinson,” The young man said, glancing over at Thor, just as he opened the buttons of his coat, to reveal the emerald silk lining within, that stood out with such bold vibrancy that Thor’s breath halted once more. It gave a clear contrast to the snug-fitting grey button-up, he wore underneath, that showed off his lithe physique.

“How so?” Thor asked, with a second of delay. And with the way Loki’s green eyes lit up, he was only too aware of the effect he was having on Thor. 

“As in, I deem this particular meeting quite unnecessary. You must know, I am very busy and I quite frankly don’t see the need to dedicate an entire appointment just to talk.”

“Well, you’re the one allowing a stranger to tie you up in a soundproof room,” Thor shot back. He’d had this argument so many times before, with businesspeople whining about the time they had to ‘waste’ with safety precautions. “Trust me. You want to take the time to have a good, long chat with me. You’ve got to feel like you can trust me _before_ you’re gagged and hanging from a hook on the ceiling.”

Loki snorted but Thor didn’t miss the way his eyes darkened, as the mental image unfolded in his mind. It was relieving to see, that this kind of incentive worked as well on Loki, as it did on most of his other clients.

“Still. A talk on the phone would have sufficed,” Loki argued and despite only having known him for five minutes, Thor could already tell that Loki was the kind of person that always needed to have the last word. 

Thor huffed but said nothing, as he walked over to sit down on the large leather chair by the window and waited for Loki to take the seat opposite from him. The room they were in was rather small and served as his office and a place to talk. There needed to be a neutral place to make arrangements and to have a conversation, if they didn’t want to get hopelessly caught up in the inherent power dynamic of his work.

“But you’re here. I’m glad you decided to take the time nonetheless,” Thor said and watched Loki shrug out of his coat, before he crossed the room, with those long, graceful steps. His shoes clacked on the wooden floor and Thor felt like he was being approached by a large cat. Dangerous and beautiful.

Loki sat down on the burgundy coloured chair in front of Thor, crossed his long legs, and reached into his bag for a thin folder. He leaned forward to wordlessly hand it over to Thor, who took it with a puzzled look. 

Loki nodded at him encouragingly and Thor opened the folder with a frown.

It didn’t take him more than a second to recognize the folder’s content. First, there was a sheet of heavy, expensive paper with a very extensive list of kinks on it. 

They were neatly divided into different categories and colour coded based on how comfortable Loki was with that particular practice. 

Huh. Someone came here prepared.

Thor glanced up at Loki, who with a movement of his hand implied that Thor should read.

It would take longer to get all the details from what Loki had written but at first glance a few things already became apparent. 

First one being, that Loki liked pain. And authority.

Altogether, he seemed to like it pretty rough, but he shied away from some kinks that most people were avoiding as well, like scat or piss play. Thor didn’t cater to those kinks, to begin with- they were in the realm of his hard limits, ones he never felt like exploring, even though he had been offered quite exorbitant amounts of money before to change his mind.

“Wow, you put in some time to prepare, I appreciate it,” Thor said, as he looked up from the paper.

“Yeah. I could have just mailed you this,” Loki said, sounding distant and vaguely annoyed, which made something shift within Thor. It was nothing more but a soft rumble of a distant storm that was likely to pass by. But Thor had a feeling that it wasn’t going to stay that way. There were clients he had a stronger emotional response to than others, but Loki, knowingly or not, stirred something within him awake.

Something raw and powerful. 

But it was still easy to push it back down, where it came from, and move on. He was a professional after all and he couldn’t let his emotions get in the way of his clients’ well-being, even if said client was arrogant and self-assured, practically begging to be shown his place. 

Later. He calmed himself, thinking that he would have Loki under his control soon enough and then this rising feeling would find its outlet and disappear.

Back then he truly believed, that would be enough

“You could have. But that’s simply not how I work. There are too many things to discuss. Like here-“ He glanced down at the piece of paper again. “-you wrote absolutely no marking. How about marks that fade within an hour? Like marks from a rope, or redness from a spanking, or something like that.”

Loki did hesitate at that question. 

“Well, I suppose that would be okay. But I can’t afford anything more permanent than that.”

“May I ask why?” Thor asked gently. Some of his clients were in relationships while visiting him, their partner being unable to sate or even understand their cravings. Often they were eaten up by remorse and doubt. And Thor couldn’t stand to just leave them alone with this feeling. He was simply too caring, to just let the people he got so intimate with, suffer in silence. Because who else would they talk to about this? Who else would try to understand?

But unlike what Thor expected, the question only made Loki perk up as if he had just been waiting to be asked about that.

“Well, if you must know, I am a rather successful model,” Loki looked at Thor expectantly, but Thor just stared back at him, unaware of what Loki wanted him to say in response. After a few moments of awkward silence Loki added: “Quite frankly, I was a little surprised that you didn’t recognize me.”

Thor’s expression grew only more dumbfounded. 

“Never seen you before,” He said with a shrug, which obviously wasn’t what Loki wanted to hear because his expression soured instantly. 

“You probably just haven’t been paying attention. Or you’re simply not paying a lot of mind to the world of fashion.”

At that, a genuine, warm laugh rose up from Thor’s chest. 

“I believe it must be the latter. I don’t exactly have a Vogue subscription if that’s what you mean.”

Loki still seemed slightly offended, but it was a good enough excuse for him, and he graciously forgave Thor for his lack of knowledge as well as his rudeness, with a nod of his head. 

“You don’t look like you have,” Loki said with a casual shrug and Thor took a moment too long to figure out whether or not that was an insult. Loki already went on speaking. “But that is beside the point. The point being, that I can’t show up to a shooting or fashion show, with whip marks on my back.”

Loki smirked, revealing sharp white teeth and it sent a shiver down Thor’s spine.

“It would raise some eyebrows, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Probably, yeah,” Thor’s mouth was a little dry, because the picture of Loki taking off his shirt in the middle of a shoot, revealing red welts across his back, was already beginning to unfold in his mind.

Thor cleared his throat and that only made Loki’s grin widen. Like he could look right through Thor’s thick skull and see what was happening there. 

“So, we’ve got that sorted out. What else is there that made it absolutely vital for me to be here today?”

Thor was only too glad to move on. 

“What do you mean by this? You marked physical and emotional comfort as your hard limits. What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s supposed to mean, that I don’t want either in my sessions. Are you sure you’re the professional here?”

Gods. Thor has seen bratty subs before. But he had never before seen someone who was begging so efficiently to be slapped. Hell, people outside of the world of fetish probably wanted to slap Loki. 

But Thor reigned himself in. 

If he snapped now, it wouldn’t be a show of power or authority, it would only turn him into a pathetic plaything in Loki’s eyes. To be turned on and off at will, with just a few calculated words. 

Thor wouldn’t make it that easy for him.

“I got that much. But how about aftercare?”

“Oh,” Loki said like he was mildly surprised at the question. “I don’t need that.”

Once again Thor was dumbfounded. Loki said it so nonchalantly like he was simply ordering his drink without ice cubes.

“You can’t just…I’m not going to beat you up without making sure you’re alright afterward.”

“Why not?”

The question was so genuine, that Thor’s heart clenched and at the same time a fresh wave of anger rose up, almost making him choke. 

Where would Thor even _begin_ to answer that question? There were at least a dozen reasons why he couldn’t do that, but he settled for the one Loki was most likely to understand. 

“Do you think I want to be sued, for not checking in with you, after hurting you? If something were to happen, I’m the one who is going to be held accountable.”

Loki’s puzzled expression changed into one of understanding and he nodded his head.

“Fine. So, if I understand correctly, there’s still no need for physical or emotional comfort necessary. How’s that for a deal: After the session you simply leave me alone, give me fifteen minutes to get ready and then we can have a little chat, in which I assure you that I am perfectly fine.”

Thor frowned. He didn’t like it. It felt wrong. 

Those tender minutes, when the pain still reverberated but there was a mutual understanding that the time for hurting was over. The relief. The release of tension. It was over. Finally- and still way too soon.

He got so impossibly close to people in those quiet moments, when he released the bindings, dried the tears, soothed the hurts - it meant as much to him as it did to his partners. 

It made him feel human again. Gave him a chance for redemption. 

And still, after a moment of doubt, Thor agreed with a nod. Because he could sense that Loki was not going to back down on this. He would leave and look for a Dom who would play by _his_ rules and Thor could stand that idea even less.

‘We’ll still talk,’ Thor tried to justify it. ‘Whether it’s ten minutes sooner or later won’t matter.’

“Alright,” Thor said reluctantly and Loki just smirked. He was so pleased with having gotten exactly what he wanted.

“So that’s settled as well. What else?”

Thor flipped the page and looked over the other contents of Loki’s folder. 

There were the surprisingly recent results of an STD test, which were all negative.

“Unprotected sex is off the table- you know that, right?” Thor asked and briefly looked up at Loki who only shrugged his shoulders. 

“Worth a shot,” He grinned, and Thor snorted a laugh before he moved on.

There was only one more paper, that included Loki’s phone number, his e-mail address as well as an emergency contact. 

“Have you ever had a professional Dom before?” Thor asked, not trying to keep the surprise out of his voice. The guy was only twenty-three, he wouldn’t have expected him to have any meaningful contact with the world of BDSM before but the way he prepared himself made Thor wonder.

“No. I just like to come prepared for whatever I do,” Loki explained.

“You’re a control freak, aren’t you?” Thor asked with a fond smile, but Loki was on the fence immediately, looking at him warily, like he was trying to determine whether or not Thor was mocking him. 

“I suppose I am,” He said slowly. “It’s not like it’s something bad.”

“It’s not,” Thor agreed quickly. “But it does get exhausting doesn’t it?”

At that, something flashed across Loki’s face, something real and vulnerable. Thor felt the urge to chase after it, hold onto it but it was gone so quickly, and Loki was intent on moving on.

“Not too exhausting for me,” Loki said firmly and lifted his chin with defiant pride. 

Thor could only keep his sorrowful sigh back because he was lost in the hope that whatever it was Loki was burdened with, he would be able to ease the weight.  
“You’re probably used to it, huh?” Thor asked. “I hear modeling is pretty exhausting?”

“It’s worth it,” Loki said curtly but the way he briefly broke eye contact to glance down at his hands, told Thor that there was more to it.

“Probably, yeah. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t want a break. Is this what you want out of this? A break?”

“I just like pain. There doesn’t need to be a deep explanation for it.”

“You’re right,” Thor agreed. “But still there usually is.”

“Oh,” Loki lifted a brow and his eyes lit up with curiousity. “Then what is your deep explanation?”

Thor didn’t like answering such a question. But that’s what this talk was all about, right? Building trust. And how could he expect Loki to open up to him, if he offered nothing of himself in return?

“I guess I’m a naturally dominant person,” Thor began. “It showed in me always being the leader in every group of friends I was in. And later in my relationships. I wanted things to go my way and I had the charisma, the attitude and if necessary, the physical strength to enforce my will.” 

Loki listened curiously, his sharp chin resting on his delicate hand. 

“And I never thought much of it. I thought this was the way the world was meant to be: revolving around me. But I made mistakes. Hurt people. And at one point I needed to ask myself: What is this? What am I doing and why?”

“And _this_ is the result of those considerations?” 

“Indirectly yes,” Thor smiled at Loki. “I sought to understand myself better and along the way, I became more knowledgeable. I got into the scene and everything just fell into place. I could be who I am while also striving to be better. And at one point I decided to become a professional.”

Loki looked at him quietly for a few moments, the tiniest frown etched a line into his otherwise smooth forehead. But whatever Loki was thinking remained a secret.  
“So,” Thor asked when he still didn’t get a reaction. “How did you find out that this was something you wanted to do?”

The frown disappeared from Loki’s face and made place for an ironic smile.

“Sorry, but that’s none of your business.”

Thor stared back at Loki, as his jaw clenched with the building frustration. Of course, Loki never intended to share anything about himself- but he didn’t have to. A calmer voice within reminded him. 

This was just a talk. 

Thor had started talking about himself out of his own free will and that didn’t give him the right to expect the same.

“I figured,” Thor’s tone was tense but controlled and he could see the brief disappointment in Loki’s eyes. The little shit probably hoped to get some violence out of Thor right now, whether that was a conscious decision or not. If Thor hadn’t known a lot of people just like him, he would have already given in to Loki- he was a talented manipulator.

“From my side, there’s no reason to go on with that tedious and unnecessary meeting,” Thor said jokingly. “Unless you have any questions, we can schedule an appointment now, and then you can go back to taking care of your busy schedule.”

“Finally,” Loki agreed and got up from his chair. “So all the tediously boring things are out of the way now?”  
Thor sighed but nodded. 

“Yes. Next time around we can get started.”

Loki grinned back at him, like a cat that got the cream.

“Perfect. I can’t wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I am planning to make this a rather slow-built story, let's see if I succeed- I tend to be too impatient, haha. Let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

“I thought the boring part was over,” Loki looked at Thor accusingly. 

Thor huffed. Yeah. Fuck him for being responsible right?

“It’s over when I feel like you got it,” Thor said firmly. He wasn’t going to make compromises on his safety routine, just because Loki was a diva. “Repeat to me what we’ve just talked about.

Loki sighed and rolled his eyes. Like a god damned teenager. But then again, his teenage days probably didn’t lay far behind.

“That the session starts once we get to the playroom. And that you’ll check in with me every now and again, which is kind of stupid and unnecessary, to be honest, and also that if I want you to stop, I’ll use my safe word. Which is apples,” Loki repeated dispassionately. “Is that alright for you?”

“You can use that safe word anytime. It doesn’t mean the session has to end altogether, but it always means we’ll take a break. Okay?”

“Yes,” Loki said sharply. “I got it. Everything is super safe; I’ll give you a good Google review for it. Now can we finally get started I’m-“

“-a very busy person, I got that much,” Thor sighed. Loki had brought it up about twice just today.

“Exactly. Then you should know that I’m sick of waiting.”

“You’re really lucky you found a Dom who’s willing to keep you waiting. Someone else might give you what you want, and you would end up regretting it.”

Loki only shrugged. Which left Thor to wonder how often Loki regretted having his wishes fulfilled. 

“Go inside. Take off your clothes, fold them, and put them in the corner. Then wait for me, kneeling in the middle of the room,” Thor ordered, and it was absolutely endearing to see, just how Loki’s eyes lit up when he realized that the game had finally begun. 

Loki gracefully got up from where he had been sitting and just before he left the room, he looked back over his shoulder and shot Thor a sharp grin, that made goosebumps spread over Thor’s shoulders and down his arms.

In hindsight, it was hard to miss Loki’s modeling background. 

The way he moved, walked, and smiled, were clearly practiced. Those seemingly natural movements must have been trained, corrected, and perfected for god knew how long. 

Thor’s fingers already itched to draw something authentic from Loki. Something spontaneous and uncontrolled and real, that would only belong to him. He wondered what sounds he would make, once his control crumbled away.

But Thor willed himself to wait. 

He stayed seated in his chair and imagined Loki entering the room. Would he notice the hooks in the otherwise empty room? Of course, he would- his mind was clear and sharp, it was impossible to miss them. 

And when would the reality of the situation sink in for him? By the time he shed his clothes? Or as he kneeled on the floor, his heart beating so quickly in his chest- most people weren’t as tough as they believed. Something as simple as spending a few minutes kneeling naked in a strange room, with fear and anticipation mingling and growing, could be very effectful. 

Maybe Thor would find Loki wide-eyed and intimidated already, his arrogant demeanour molten away like ice in the sunshine. 

Oh yes, he’d certainly like that.

Another minute passed, before Thor got up from his chair, stretched, raked his fingers through his hair and tied it up into a loose ponytail, and then made his way over to the playroom with heavy steps. 

If Loki listened carefully, he would hear him approach. 

He imagined Loki nervously correcting his posture within the room and smiled to himself, just as he opened the door- only to see Loki standing in front of one of the cabinets, taking a closer look at the selection of dildos within. 

He was naked alright but that didn’t seem to make him uncomfortable, or even vulnerable at all. He held himself with the exact same confidence, as he did when he was wearing a tailored suit. 

“Oops. Sorry,” Loki grinned at Thor, then moved to the center of the room, where he sank down to his knees gracefully and crossed his wrists at the small of his back.

Thor watched him, with fresh hot anger rising in his chest.

And this time around it would not be pushed down. The rules were different in here.

“You’re not sorry.” 

Loki looked up at him and the faintest smile traced his thin lips as though to say: _‘Got me there.’_

“But I’ll make you sorry.”

And what did Loki do? He fucking snorted. Like Thor was being ridiculous.

Within a second, Thor was right next to Loki, and grabbed his black hair tightly, right by the scalp, making the younger gasp in surprise and then cry out in pain. He twisted and forced Loki to look up at him.

“Don’t talk. Unless it’s your safe word, or if I ask you a direct question, I don’t want to hear a single word from you,” Loki’s face was a mask of indifference and Thor decided at that moment, that that simply wouldn’t do. “If you break this rule, the session ends immediately.”

And that seemed to do the trick.

Loki’s mouth gaped open and he looked quite endearingly stupid, as he was trying to figure out if Thor could really do that.

He seemed to want to question, or protest but then he thought better of it and only gave a tiny nod of his head. 

Thor almost smiled to himself. Fucking masochists. Threatening them with a spanking was just about as effective as threatening a kid with ice cream. But the moment they saw their session in danger, they suddenly became surprisingly cooperative.

“You disobeyed the very first order I ever directed at you. I’m disappointed in you.”

Loki quietly looked up at Thor, his face not betraying anything of what he was thinking or feeling, but still, Thor believed that he had hit a sore spot. He had a strong intuition when it came to that. 

“You’ll apologize. But not now. You’ll do it when you really mean it,” Thor said and pushed Loki away, with enough strength that he almost lost his posture. Loki wordlessly got back into position on the floor and let his tongue dart out to wet his lips before he glanced up at Thor again. 

Thor slowly walked around Loki and he was pleased to see a shiver run down Loki’s exposed back. 

He had been so caught up in his anger, that only now he could take the time to admire the full beauty of Loki beneath him. 

The skin of his back was a milky white, perfectly unmarred and as Loki shifted and moved, the curves and lines of the lean muscle and bones became more noticeable.  
He was rather skinny though. With his back bowed, Thor could see the line of Loki’s spine, as well as the faint shadows of his ribs. His shoulder blades stuck out sharply and Thor longed to touch and explore the vast amount of soft skin and the sharp edges beneath. But it wasn’t time yet.

Not with how Loki had decided to get this session on the way. 

Thor put his boot on Loki’s upper back, causing the younger to gasp quietly and then relax. 

He was melting into this more and more, as Thor pressed down harder. The sole of his boot must be uncomfortably digging into the tender skin, but Loki didn’t seem to mind at all.

“You’ve been looking at the dildos haven’t you?”

“Yes, sir.”

Oh. Look who’s got a title now. Loki couldn’t see, with Thor behind him and facing the floor, so Thor allowed himself a pleased grin. 

“If they’re so interesting to you, go and select one,” Thor demanded, as he took his foot from Loki’s back and stepped aside. 

He watched as Loki unfolded his body and then got up in a smooth movement. Walking over to the cabinet, his steps were lacking some of the confidence he usually displayed, and he looked over at Thor to assess his reaction- but Thor kept his expression in check.

“Go on,” Thor said firmly, and Loki turned back towards the cabinet and let his eyes wander over the vast array of different sizes and shapes. 

He picked a black one. Thick and rather long- Loki didn’t seem to be intent on going the safe route. And if Loki didn’t want to be easy on himself, Thor would go along with it.

“Let me see you take it up your ass,” Thor demanded, arms crossed over his chest. 

Loki looked at him incredulously, then frowned. 

“Do you have a question?”

“Yes. Where is the lube?”

This time around, Thor let Loki see him smile. 

“I’m sure you’ll figure out a way.”

“But-“

“Shut the hell up Loki.” Oh yeah, it definitely felt good to say that. And even better to actually watch Loki’s mouth click shut. It was a power trip for sure.

Loki looked a little lost, standing there, silenced and naked, and holding a dildo.

Thor walked over to the bed, that stood in one of the corners of the room and sat down on it. Loki could have as much time as he needed, solving this particular riddle.

But after a few moments, Loki seemed to have figured out a plan. He returned to his kneeling position, facing Thor, and brought the tip of the dildo to his lips.

He was putting on a show, swirling his tongue over the dildo’s head, before taking it in his mouth. He was drooling around the thick shaft, as he took it deeper, moaning softly as he did so. If Loki intended to have an effect on Thor, he definitely succeeded. Thor had been half erect from the time he had walked into this room and he was only growing harder watching Loki now.

Loki proved to be clever. Not only did he wet the dildo with his saliva, but he sucked on his fingers too and then reached behind himself to push them into his hole. However, he didn’t allow himself much time to loosen up, he seemed to be far more impatient than Thor himself would have been. 

Just a few minutes later, he guided the dildo to his hole and pushed in. Thor’s lips parted, as he viewed Loki’s face, that mirrored everything that was happening to him so beautifully. His black brows knit together, his lips wet and pink, the flush on his cheeks- and his dark eyes were fixed on Thor. 

A whimper of discomfort left his throat and Thor watched with awe, as Loki only continued pushing the toy deeper within his tight, barely slicked entrance.  
It must hurt. But it must also feel good if Loki’s hard, leaking cock was anything to go by.

“Turn around. Let me see,” Thor demanded, and he could watch the colour rise on his cheeks. And then Loki shook his head no, holding onto his defiance and his pride once more.

Or maybe he just wanted to see what Thor would do. Fine, he could have that.

Thor got up from where he had been sitting and walked over to grab Loki by the hair and drag him towards the bed. The other yelped in surprise and his hands flew up to ease Thor’s grip, but he was relentless. He handled Loki’s body with ease and threw him on the bed hard enough to knock the air out of his lungs.

He picked up the dildo, that had fallen down and put it down next to Loki.

“Congratulations. You just ruined all of your progress,” He said, his tone hard and cold. “Now you better make an effort to please me, or else I will do it myself. And I absolutely promise you, that you’ll regret that.”

Loki whimpered unhappily but the looming threat helped him in getting past his pride and do as he was told. Loki presented himself to Thor, giving him a good view as he started pushing the toy back into his tight hole. 

Thor licked his lips as he watched. This time around he could see every twitch, every tremble of Loki’s milky thighs, he could see him struggle and hear the ragged moans and soft cries, coming from behind the curtain of black hair, that veiled his face. 

“Thor? Sir- I-“ Loki spoke up after a little. He hadn’t made much progress in a bit and his legs were shaking harder now. 

“What is it?” Thor’s tone had softened a little and he listened carefully to Loki. He wouldn’t want to scare him out of using his safe word. Or worse yet, miss it when Loki said it. 

“I can’t…” He heard Loki drew in a shaky, breath. Shallow and erratic. It was a warning sign of approaching hyperventilation. Thor was next to Loki on the bed in a moment and lied his large hand on Loki’s back, rubbing small circles with his thumb. 

He could feel the pleasant full-body shiver that went through Loki and the way he relaxed slightly. A small sob broke free from deep within Loki’s chest, but otherwise, he stayed quiet.

“Want to take a break?” Thor whispered. 

And suddenly, the tension was back. Like a wire, that from one moment to the next came alive with electricity. Thor almost flinched away. 

“No!” Loki’s voice was a growl and from behind the strands of black hair, Thor saw his eyes glare at him with an icy fierceness. 

For a second Thor just stared at Loki in utter shock. He looked wild like this, so different from the controlled and elegant young man he knew. Was this it? The genuine response Thor had wanted to evoke? 

Thor was tempted to put an end to the session right about now. Whatever he just saw, it made his stomach twist in an uncomfortable way.

But deep down he knew, that if he did that, Loki would leave and never return.

“Please,” Loki started begging again like that moment hadn’t just occurred between them. “I can’t do it. I’m sorry, sir. Please believe me.”

And Thor was scared by how naturally he slipped back into his own role. He put more weight on the hand that was still resting on Loki’s back until the comforting touch turned into a forceful hold, that pushed Loki down on the mattress. 

“That’s what I thought. You break my rules, abuse my trust but you don’t have what it takes to make up for it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Save your apologies for later. I am sick of listening to your whining.”

Silence filled the room, the only sound Loki made, was his ragged breathing. 

Thor reached out, to grab the base of the dildo, that was still buried within Loki. There were still a few inches left. He gave the toy a twist and smiled as it drew a sharp gasp from Loki. With that being the only warning, Thor started moving the dildo in tiny thrusts, slowly but steadily working it deeper inside.

Loki had had a bad angle and he was nervous. But Thor’s own hand was steady, and he was determined to see this through- just as Loki seemed to be determined to go on.

“Don’t think your weakness will save you the consequences. You can’t cheat your way out misbehaving, not with me.” 

Loki moaned softly, to agree or to protest, he wasn’t sure.

“What is this?” Thor asked and stilled for a moment, to give Loki the chance to use his safe word. But he was met with silence. After a few seconds passed, Thor went on, steadily forcing the toy within, while the moans and gasps coming from Loki became more frequent and feverish as he went on.

And then it was done. The dildo was fully buried within Loki, whose body was trembling lightly with the intensity of the stretch. A thin sheen of sweat made his back glisten and his hands were twisted into tight fists in the sheets. 

Thor looped an arm around Loki’s waist and easily twisted him to lay on his back, which made him gasp in surprise. 

“Take deep breaths,” Thor ordered, as he reached out to comb Loki’s damp black hair out of his face. 

Gods. He was so beautiful like that. His eyes were glazed over, making his irises look like polished gems. They barely even focused on Thor, when he looked down at him. His cheeks were a fresh pink and when Thor brushed his thumb across Loki’s cheekbones, he felt wetness there.

Loki must have been crying.

“What do you feel?” He asked firmly and that seemed to get Loki back to the moment. His eyes became clearer and he looked at Thor.

“I…I feel full. It hurts,” Loki had to force the words out and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “It’s so deep. So much. I’m sorry.”

Thor’s eyes wandered down the pale expanse of Loki’s chest, over his stomach to his crotch. He was still half-hard. Which was quite impressive, after not having gotten any real stimulation. He must be very responsive. Or really into this.

“Hm,” Thor said and reached down to lie one hand on Loki’s inner thigh, not far from his cock. 

Loki’s eyes grew so dark, Thor could barely see the green in them.

“I forgive you.” 

Thor watched as the words made Loki crumble down like a house of cards in a gust of wind. His face twisted up and two twin rivers seeped from the corners of his eyes, down his temples to disappear in the blackness of his hair.

“Thank you,” Loki whispered back, barely audible.

“Do you think you deserve to come too?” Thor asked. 

Loki’s pale throat worked, as he swallowed heavily around the lump that had probably formed there. 

Then he shook his head. 

Thor looked at him with the shadow of a frown darkening his face before he let his hand slip away from Loki’s thigh. 

“Then that’s it,” Thor’s voice grew softer once more. “Let’s end the session here.”

Loki’s expression became surprised, then shocked.

“Please no, I’m sorry,” Loki began frantically and pushed himself up. His eyes were wide and he looked feverish and desperate, a worried frown drawing deep lines into his face. “I’m sorry. You can touch me. I didn’t mean to-“

Thor’s heart clenched as it dawned on him what Loki must think.

“No. No Loki stop, listen. We’re out of time. And that was plenty for a first session. You didn’t disappoint me. This isn’t punishment,” Thor automatically reached out to comfortingly lie his hand on Loki’s cheek, but the young man flinched away, and Thor quickly drew his hand back.

The new information only took a moment to process for Loki. The tears still hadn’t dried on his face, he was shivering as the sweat cooled on his skin and his eyes still looked like wet marbles. So large and sad. 

“Leave then.”

“But Loki…” Thor tried.

“We have an agreement,” It sounded like a plea. And Thor knew he could not cross that line, even if Loki’s voice was hoarse and trembled badly.  
“You’re right.” 

Thor got up, leaving Loki to lie on the bed. Once Thor had gotten up, Loki curled up lightly around himself and Thor wanted so badly to reach out once more- but that’s what _he_ wanted. Not what Loki wanted. And he needed to respect his boundaries.

“Don’t be too long. And call if you need me.”

~

Thor was shaken.

This was all a giant mistake. Loki was in there, crying and hurt and alone. 

Fuck, he still had that dildo up his ass. 

Thor ran a hand over his face and pressed his fist against his forehead. How stupid. And reckless. 

He listened at the door for sounds from within, but everything was quiet. A few minutes passed and then the shower in the other room went on. That was good at least. He was up and moving.

Thor wanted to let that soothe him, but it simply wouldn’t happen. 

And finally, he decided that he couldn’t keep standing by the door like a creep and worry himself sick. Loki would call for him if he really needed him. He was young and healthy and an adult. 

Thor busied himself with making coffee and did his best to banish his worries from his mind.

Both of them could probably use a cup of strong coffee after all of this. 

Just as he poured himself the first cup, the door to the playroom opened and Loki walked out. He was wearing his black suit again, his shoes gave a soft sound, with every graceful step he took into the room and his face was graced by his usual ironic smile.

All the walls Thor had just torn down, were back up again, without even as much as a scratch on them. 

“Oh dear, you look worse than me,” Loki laughed and shook his head as he came to stand right in front of Thor. “Could I please get a cup of coffee as well?”

“Uhm. Yeah of course,” Thor looked down to pour a cup of coffee and handed it to Loki. And as he did so, he took a closer look at his face. It was so smooth again, cool and perfect. His lips were a shade pinker than before. His eyes were slightly red. But apart from that, he looked utterly untouched. 

If Thor didn’t know better, he wouldn’t think he had even laid a finger on him. 

“How are you?” Thor asked warily as he watched Loki, who just took his first sip of coffee.

Something twisted in Loki’s face and for a moment Thor thought he was going to start crying again. But at closer inspection, he was met with a look of disgust. 

“With the amount of money that I’m paying you, I was expecting the coffee to be of a higher quality.”

Thor just stared at him incredulously.

“Also, I prefer tea overall. I’ll bring my own the next time I come here, don’t worry,” He put the cup down on the counter with a soft sound and then looked back up at Thor. “Oh. And to answer your question, I’m fine. I quite enjoyed the session.”

Thor was still staring. Was he hallucinating? Because the two pictures of Loki crying and curled up on the bed and the one of him being so arrogant and self-assured, clashed so violently, that the only logical conclusion could be that he was imagining either of those two scenes.

No one recovered that quickly.

“How about yourself?” Loki leaned against the marble counter. He was literally picture-perfect, with the way he stood there. His arms lightly crossed over his chest, one leg angled. If someone were to shoot a picture of him right now, it could be used for the cover of some high-end magazine.

“I’m fine. I’ve been a little worried. I might have put you through too much…”

Loki cut him off with a light laugh.

“Oh, but Thor. The opposite is true. Granted that it’s not bad for the first time around, for the future I would wish for you to be a bit…harsher. You let me off the hook quite easily. And you struggle to refrain from comforting me. You really need to work on yourself regarding that. I quite clearly told you that I don’t want it.”

Thor swallowed heavily. He wanted to reach out and just shake Loki, but he was frozen in place. 

“You know, I have my own limits. We’ll see how things develop but I won’t do anything to you that I’m not okay with. I can’t Loki.”

Loki lifted a brow but listened to Thor quietly. Then he nodded his head.

“Sure. Let’s take it slow, it was just a suggestion, from my side. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m actually invited to dinner today and I should get going. Is there anything else for now?”

Thor looked back at Loki’s perfect, smooth face and then finally shook his head, defeated.

“No. No, I think there’s nothing more.”

“I will call you about my next appointment then. I am already looking forward to it.”

And Thor could bet, that the smile Loki offered him, had been gifted to a thousand camera lenses before. Beautiful yet ingenuine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I didn't anticipate how well received the first chapter of that fic was! Thank you so much, especially for your comments! It really motivated me to keep going and so here's the next chapter one day later. I hope you enjoyed reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some backstory! Don't worry, it'll probably open up more mysteries than it will resolve...

Thor had never researched his clients before.

It was an invasion of their privacy and there had never once been a reason for him to seek out information about them. After all it was _him_ exerting the control over them. He had never once felt unsafe or unsure about any one of them.

So why would he betray his client's trust, even behind their back, to run a check on them? 

But like so many things, that was different with Loki as well.

It was one day, over a week after their first session, when Thor was strolling through town on his way back to his apartment. He had just made a stop to get groceries and was lost in thought, about what he could be cooking for dinner, as he came past a Calvin Klein store. His thoughts were violently interrupted when out of the shop’s window a familiar face was staring right back at him. 

It was Loki. 

It took a solid second until Thor realized that it was an advertisement in the store’s window.

In the picture, Loki was lying on a chaise lounge, by an empty pool, barefoot and wearing tight black jeans, with the company’s underwear visible over the waistline. Pale sunlight lit up the high points of his face and created deep shadows in other places. 

And his eyes were looking at Thor, as though he could see right through him. Like he knew that Thor was standing there, looking at him.

His unsmiling expression was firm, showing off the sharp symmetrical beauty of his face, which was already so familiar to Thor.

Thor spent a few minutes just staring at the image. 

Of course, Loki had told him, that he was successful, but somehow Thor never really realized the extent of it. At least he hadn’t expected to see an image of Loki out on the street like that. He had never before seen anyone he knew in the countless advertisements he came across every day, so it felt to him like two worlds were colliding.

The fictional dream world that created these advertisements clashed together with everyday life, where one only briefly glanced at the countless pictures, barely ever stopping to think, that there were real people, living real lives in them.

When Thor finally moved past the store, his thinking revolved around Loki. How successful was he really? What kind of person was he dealing with? 

Of course, none of those things should matter. If Loki was the king of England and decided to come to him for a session, nothing outside of their time together and the payment should be of any importance.

But who the hell was he fooling? 

Already he could feel his steps speeding up, to get to his apartment quicker and he knew that he would lose this battle against his own curiosity- denying himself was definitely not his strong suit. Never had been.

Thor put the groceries down right by the door, once he entered his apartment and slipped out of his shoes. He didn’t even start cooking before he turned on his laptop and sat down on the couch. By the time he opened Google and his fingers were hovering over the keyboard, a sudden wave of doubt made his stomach drop.

He really shouldn’t. This was private- but was it really if Loki lived a public life?

Thor didn’t get around to answering that question for himself, his fingers were already typing in the search bar: Loki Laufeyson.

There. It was done. 

The results loaded within a split second, the first link leading to a Wikipedia article, which Thor selected, with his heart beating to his throat. He leaned closer towards the screen as he started reading.

The article stated that Loki was born near Reykjavik as the youngest of three sons to Laufey and Farbauti. His mother was deceased, she had died only a few days after Loki’s birth.  
Thor could barely process that information; it was like a punch to the gut and he had only read the first few lines. But his greedy eyes were already continuing to read, making it impossible to stop.

At age thirteen Loki was discovered by an agent called En Dwi Gast, while he was on holiday in Oslo and by the time, he was fourteen, he had signed a contract for Gast’s international modeling agency. The same year, he was walking on fifteen different catwalks during the Fashion Week in Milan, twenty in Paris and twelve in New York, for designers so high profile, that even Thor recognized some of the names.

Thor released a breath, that he had been holding without noticing it. 

Damn. 

Loki was in business longer than himself, and that while being almost ten years younger than him.

Thor went on to read that En Dwi was assigned as Loki’s legal guardian just a year after the initial contract, through his father Laufey, who stayed in Iceland with his two other children, while Loki moved to London with En Dwi, where he continuously built his career over the next years. 

Next to the paragraph was an image of a young Loki, looking up at a man next to him, who was smiling brightly into the camera. The man was tall and tan, his hair of a silver-grey colour and one of his bejeweled, large hands was resting on Loki’s narrow shoulder.

Something about the image just didn’t sit right with him and he looked it with a frown. 

For the first time since he started reading, the questions bubbled up insistently. Was it normal to get started this young? Hell, was it even legal? Apparently yes, because the article didn’t mention that it was in any way unusual. 

But it simply couldn’t be right. Loki had been a kid. He probably hadn’t even started puberty and suddenly he was jetting through the world, being dressed up and photographed and stared at. Thor couldn’t even imagine the pressure. When he was fourteen, he spent his afternoons getting into trouble with his friends, occasionally he even did some homework or pretended to learn for school.

No wonder Loki had an attitude problem, being hyped up and scrutinized since that young.

But maybe this really was all normal in the business Loki was in. Thor might just be felling quick judgments due to a lack of understanding and knowledge. And Thor was also well aware, that he was sometimes overly protective and possessive in nature and that it had clouded his judgment in the past before. 

After all, who was he to try and understand Loki’s life based on a Wikipedia article?

Thor shook his head and continued reading, trying to push back the sorrow and the traces of anger.

Reading further, he found out that Loki was openly gay and attracted attention and sparked controversy for occasionally modeling female clothing both on the runway as well as in fashion shoots. Apparently, there were complaints about him upsetting the natural order of the modeling industry, which only seemed to make him more attractive to some designers, who liked to give their collection a bit of extra publicity, by sending in Loki wearing a dress.

A brief smile flashed across Thor’s face at that. That sounded a lot like Loki. Disrupting order wherever he went.

Thor looked away from a picture that showed Loki in a high-necked pullover paired with a floor-length skirt and scrolled down to go on reading the next few paragraphs, which quickly wiped the smile off his face. 

Apparently, Loki was arrested on multiple occasions for possessing coke, marijuana, and ecstasy, all while still underage. In a press statement following Loki’s third arrest in two years, En Dwi confirmed that Loki would go to rehab, to get his drug problem under control.

However, that rehab apparently never happened. But since the arrests stopped, it was assumed that Loki had gotten his addiction under control on his own and it wasn’t mentioned again anywhere in the article.

The worry that Thor had suppressed, came back to him twice as strong and when he got to the end of the entry, he just stared blankly at the screen for a few minutes. The image of Loki looking up at him out of teary eyes assaulted him out of nowhere and Thor had to squeeze his eyes shut and pinch the bridge of his nose to banish it. 

He should have never done research on Loki. But it was too late for that realization now.

The best Thor could do now, was close the tab and turn his laptop off.

But what now? He couldn’t imagine Loki being very appreciative of his concern if he confronted him about what he found out. Not to mention that it was completely unprofessional. Loki came to him, because he needed a break from his usual life, not to be reminded of it. 

How would Thor react, if Loki walked in one day and decided to confront him with his own past? 

He shuddered at the thought- better not to think about it in too much detail. 

But it was enough to convince Thor, that he should keep his questions and his concern to himself.

~

Weeks passed before Loki called for another appointment but during that time, Thor could never get Loki out of his head.

All of a sudden, he seemed to be everywhere. 

At the doctor’s office, Loki looked at him sensually from a perfume ad in a magazine. At the train station, his piercing gaze caught him unprepared from a billboard. And in his dreams, Loki was lying right next to him in the dark, eyes wet with tears, threatening to spill over.

Thor woke up from those dreams, sweaty and out of breath. And achingly hard.

So, facing the real Loki again, over a month after their first session, felt just as surreal as seeing the poster in the shop- only the other way around somehow.

Loki’s hair was tied up at the nape of his neck and a few strands had come loose, to frame Loki’s ears in tiny curls. He was slightly out of breath, probably because he had hurried up the stairs, to knock at the door at exactly six pm, no minute later.

“I’m sorry,” Loki said, instead of greeting Thor, as he pushed past him and entered the studio. “I must look impossible. I got here right after training and didn’t even have the chance to get ready. I hope you don’t mind?”

He looked at Thor while taking off his jacket to reveal the tight-fitting, long-sleeved training shirt he wore together with jogging pants.

“Why would I mind?” Thor asked incredulously. If anything, Loki looked really good in his outfit.

“You know, Karl Lagerfeld said, sweatpants are a sign of defeat. I don’t look like a loser to you?” Loki joked his lips were quirked up into one of his sharp smiles.

“Who gives a fuck about Karl Lagerfeld?” Thor blurted out in response and that drew a sudden laugh from Loki, bright and clear. Goosebumps raised on Thor’s arms at the sound, that ceased far too soon.

“Oh, I like that. If he were still alive, I would have texted him later to tell him about that exchange. But as things are…oh well. We should rather get started. Like last time?”

“Minus the disobedience yes. Take off your clothes and wait for me, I’ll join in a moment.”

“Of course, _sir_ ,” Loki grinned at him, before he made his way to the playroom, like the last time around. And as he opened the door, he looked back at Thor once more. “Have a look in my bag, I got you something.”

And with that, he slipped out of the room and closed the door behind himself, leaving Thor confused and dumbfounded, as he so often did. 

Thor went to pick up the bag, Loki had set down by the door and put it down on the marble counter of his small kitchen corner, to open it. Within, was a metal container, as well as a piece of paper. The container had Chinese lettering on it, but at the bottom in a small font, Thor found English writing that said: Alishan High Mountain Oolong. 

A smile spread across Thor’s face.

He had really brought his own tea, which…Thor felt oddly special about. He should be angry, considering that Loki only brought his tea, because he felt like he was too good for Thor’s coffee, but he simply found it endearing.

That was until he read the note that had been in the bag together with the container.

“ _Dear Thor,_

_Since your coffee brewing skills leave much to be desired, I decided to gift you with some valuable knowledge about teamaking._

_You can use the approximately fifteen minutes you would otherwise spend on aftercare to prepare the tea for me._

_For each cup, use six grams of tea- but since I doubt you have a tea scale, you can also put in two teaspoons of tea into the infuser._

_Heat the water up to about 90°C. Do NOT let it boil. Proceed to warm up the mug by pouring some of the hot water into the mug, swirl it around and then discard it. Then steep the tea for about ten seconds. Discard the water used for that as well. Then add one cup of water and steep the tea for 45 seconds. Then you should-_ ”

Thor stopped reading at that point. 

What the hell was this? If Loki thought, Thor would make him some stupid tea that took about twelve individual steps to make, he was really fucking wrong.

Thor was his _Dom_ not his butler. 

Just the nerve of this guy. And there it was the anger and frustration, bubbling just beneath the surface. 

He crossed the room to get to Loki, uncaring whether or not he was ready.

But this time around Thor was greeted by the sight of Loki waiting in the middle of the room, naked, on his knees, his eyes downcast. A perfect picture of obedience, that made Thor stop in his tracks. 

The frustration was gone almost immediately.

Loki was beautiful like this, he displayed such grace, even in that still position. The younger man didn’t move, didn’t even look up, as Thor came closer and walked around him. His hair was still tied up, revealing his neck and the bones sticking out from beneath.

They seemed to be sharper and more noticeable than the last time around. His ribs stood out more clearly too, which made Thor frown. He would ask him about that later, but Loki didn’t deserve having his session interrupted just to talk about his weight.

Especially not when he was being so good.

Thor went to one of the drawers of the large cabinet, that filled out the entire right wall of the room. The first thing he retrieved, was a blindfold, made from black silk. He ran his fingers over the cool, smooth material, as he approached Loki again, whose eyes had flicked up out of curiosity and then quickly returned to looking at the floor.

“Are you in the mood to be good for me tonight? Wait, don’t answer that. You would probably risk everything, by feeling like you’re obliged to say something witty now,” Thor ran his fingers through Loki’s hair, making him hum quietly, perhaps in agreement to what Thor had said.

Then Thor placed the blindfold over Loki’s eyes and fastened it tightly behind his head.

“Can you see anything?”

“No sir,” Loki replied and pleased by that answer, Thor returned to the cabinet to get the other things he would need for today’s session. Now that Loki could no longer see, Thor made a bit of noise, to make Loki wonder, what was going to be done to him.

He could draw out this moment, take his time to get everything ready because the anticipation would make everything that followed that much more intense.

Thor put down everything he was going to use, right next to Loki, and took a second to appreciate the image. Oh, he had something in store for Loki today. 

First, he reached for Loki’s wrists, which he tied together with soft red rope, skilfully looping the material around Loki’s slender wrists and securing everything with a knot. The rope was specially designed to not be too harsh and abrasive on the skin and minimize the marks that would come from it.

“How does that feel? Too tight?”

“No. No, it’s okay, sir,” The way Loki spoke, gave Thor an idea about what this was doing to him already. His voice was heavy and he trailed off with a deep, shuddery intake of breath. 

Thor loved those moments. The people that came to him were often so starved, that even the smallest gestures of dominance had a deep impact on them. And Thor just enjoyed so much to be the one to do that to them, to hold the power to have such an effect.

He used more rope which he looped around Loki’s tied wrists and then threw it over the hook attached to the ceiling, right above Loki. Whether that was a coincidence or if Loki had purposefully chosen this spot, after noticing the hooks, was impossible to tell.

But it added to the feeling of effortlessness like everything was just falling into place, just waiting to happen. 

Thor pulled higher and higher until Loki had to raise his thighs to move along, his back was taught and arched beautifully and Thor could only imagine how intense it must feel, trapped in darkness, unaware of everything that was going to happen until the very moment when it finally did happen. 

When Thor opened a bottle of lube, Loki’s head snapped around and Thor smiled. He must recognize the sound of the cap being opened. 

“You know what’s coming now?” Thor asked, as he knelt down beside Loki and squeezed some of the lube onto his fingers. He must be just as excited about this as Loki himself. After all, this would be the first time, he got to feel him inside.

“You’re going to fuck me?”

“No, not this time around.”

“Why not?” Loki was looking over his shoulder, even though he couldn’t see.

“Because I choose not to. That’s all you need to know and now be quiet.”

Loki snorted but Thor pretended like he didn’t hear. He wanted to go on with what he had planned and not get caught up in punishing Loki. 

He lied one hand on the small of Loki’s back and then pushed one finger into Loki’s hole, which was so perfectly presented to him in the position he was in. A soft moan left Loki and Thor looked up to see him with his lips parted, gripping the rope.

“You’re so tight,” Thor breathed out. And really, he would have liked to fuck Loki right now. The fact that Loki seemed like he would welcome that, only made the heat in his groin flare up. But things between them were messy enough as they were. He couldn’t risk getting more tangled up. “You like getting your hole filled? Tell me.”

Thor added a second finger while watching Loki’s reaction to the added stretch. Loki whimpered softly and dropped his head, as he bit down on his lower lip, to will himself to be quiet.

Something he absolutely failed at, because the moment Thor started moving his fingers apart and pushed in and out of him, in a slow, steady rhythm, a flow of moans spilled from Loki’s lips, which made Thor harden in his pants. He shifted to ease the strain on his cock but didn’t stop in opening Loki up.

“Yes,” Loki admitted, once he felt like he could speak without his voice breaking. And sure enough, his cheeks became red with shame or excitement. “I love it so much. I can’t…I’m just a slut for it. It’s all I’m good for.”

“Now is that so?” Thor asked as he added a third finger, drawing a new moan from Loki. “You’re so eager to get fucked, you’re debasing yourself without any of my doing.” Thor accompanied the words with a harsher thrust of his fingers, making Loki cry out. 

He pulled his fingers out a minute later when he was satisfied with the way Loki had opened up for him and cleaned them with a cloth, as Loki whimpered softly at the sudden emptiness.

“Don’t worry. I’m not done with you yet,” Thor said, not quite sure if he was making a promise or a threat, but nevertheless Loki moaned eagerly in response. 

Thor picked up a collar and moved in front of Loki, to attach it to his slender, pale neck. 

As he leaned in to close the buckle, they were so close all of a sudden, that Thor could feel Loki’s breath ghosted over his skin- and Loki must be feeling the same, because he gasped softly, his thin lips parted and he was leaning in, closer towards Thor.

And without thinking about it, Thor closed the distance between them, pressed his lips onto Loki’s, and pushed his tongue into Loki’s opened mouth. He accepted the kiss, allowing Thor to explore him, taste him but only for a moment before he started pushing back with his tongue like he was trying to get dominance over the kiss. Thor growled and buried his fingers into Loki’s hair, to give it a sharp tug. And suddenly the pleasure of the kiss was tinged by a flash of sharp pain, that made Thor withdraw and gape at Loki.

He had bitten him.

And now Thor watched as a sly grin crept up on Loki’s face, just as he licked his lips.

Just like the kiss, Thor acted unthinking, out of pure instinct, when he lifted his hand and connected it with Loki’s cheek in a hard slap, that echoed through the room.

Loki was still with shock for a second, but then he lifted his chin and moved in closer, after having backed away, wordlessly begging for _more_.

And Thor delivered, landing the next blow on his other cheek before he moved away.

“Fucking slut,” Thor gasped. “You’ll pay for this.”

“I can’t wait,” Loki replied hoarsely, and it almost made Thor slap him again. But that wouldn’t get them anywhere.

“Be careful what you wish for, Loki,” Thor warned as he picked up his next tool, which lay heavy and cool in his hand. He didn’t bother warming it up, he just put a few drops of lube onto it and spread it with his fingers, before he lined the metal up with Loki’s hole.

“Do you have any idea what this might be?”

“Uhm,” Loki swallowed heavily. Yes, he was already down by a few notches, with the cold metal pressing against his hole. “A dildo perhaps?”

“Not quite,” Thor chuckled, as he started pushing inside, drawing a long moan from Loki. “It’s called an anal hook. And you’ll find that it’s very different from a dildo.”

The thick, rounded hook slipped into Loki almost effortlessly. It was mesmerizing to watch how easily it disappeared within Loki and even better to see, how Loki intuitively pushed back into it, to get more. Once it was all the way, resting inside Loki, Thor twisted it a few times, making Loki pant harshly.

“Tell me how it feels,” Thor asked, his own voice rough with lust. 

“It’s…very heavy,” Loki began, licking his lips. “And very hard. I’ve never…is that metal?” 

“It is,” Thor confirmed, as he took the rope attached to the hook and brought it up to the metal ring at the back of Loki’s collar and pulled it through. 

A wicked smile played around his lips when he started pulling the rope taut. Loki moaned, as the hook pushed deeper into him at first and then gasped, as the steady pull forced him to arch his back, lest he wanted to choke. 

Thor kept on pulling, testing the limits of how far Loki could go. Which was…surprisingly far. At first, his back bent easily, like a snake, but then it became more difficult and Loki’s struggle to keep avoid choking himself was made obvious by the way his thighs started to shake and his breath went in short, ragged gasps. 

Thor gave the rope another tug, making Loki shout breathlessly, before giving it some slack again and securing it with a knot.

“I figured you knew a thing or two about posture, but you probably never learned that particular lesson,” Thor said, as he got up to admire his handiwork. 

Loki only whimpered in response.

He must definitely be uncomfortable but at the same time, his cock was so hard, that Thor had no doubt that Loki must be into what was being done to him. 

Thor nudged the tip of his leaking dick with his shoe, which made Loki startle violently, cutting off his air supply for a moment until he forced his body to return to its previous posture while panting heavily. 

“Enjoying yourself?” Thor asked, just to give Loki the chance to speak up if he was truly uncomfortable. 

“Yesss,” Loki answered, drawing the word out into a low hiss. Now that made it clear. Thor grinned. 

“Thor, sir, could you…could you please…”

“What?”

“Could you take a picture of me?”

Now that was an unusual request but there was no reason to deny Loki, especially given, that he really was looking incredible like this. 

“Where’s your phone?”

“Under my shirt. In the corner of the room.” 

Thor went to retrieve the phone from where Loki had told him and started taking pictures. One from afar, another one from the side, showing off the arch of Loki’s back, from behind, capturing the way his rim was stretched by the merciless steel hook. And as he stepped in front of Loki, he snapped a few more pictures, zooming in on the hard cock straining between his thighs and then his face, half-covered by the blindfold. And as he stood in front of him like that, he guided his thumb past his parted lips.

Loki started sucking on it, like on instinct, drawing a heavy moan deep from within Thor’s chest. 

His skilled tongue flicked over the pad of Thor’s thumb and he tightened his lips around him like he was sucking him off for real. Thor took another picture of that moment, which came out a little blurry and put the phone in his pocket. 

He pulled his thumb from the velvety, welcoming heat of Loki’s mouth to picked up his final instrument for the day. 

It was a riding crop, with a tip of folded leather and a braided handle, that fit well into the palm of his hand. He traced the tip over Loki’s back, down his spine below the taut rope, watching as his shoulders and arms covered in goosebumps. He moved along the curve of Loki’s ass and then lifted up the crop, to make it connect with Loki’s buttocks with a sharp, little slapping sound.

Loki’s body tensed up, his hole tried to tighten, which was made impossible by the hook stretching it open mercilessly, and he choked as he forgot to keep his back arched.

Thor allowed him a few seconds to recover and return to the posture, before he continued to rain blows on Loki’s behind, aiming for his buttocks, as well as his tender thighs, that twitched beautifully every time they were hit.

All the while a steady flow of choked off sounds spilled from Loki, who was struggling to remain his posture, as every new blow made him flinch- but at one point Loki stopped flinching and instead just melted into the pain in the most beautiful way. His breath grew deeper and more evenly, his hands had tightened on the rope tying his wrists, and even as every muscle in his body strained, Thor could just sense the way every coherent thought must be leaving Loki’s mind, as he became completely absorbed by the sensation. 

Just like Thor became absorbed by the steady rhythm, the sound of the crop in the air, the sounds coming from Loki, and the way his creamy white skin slowly turned a dusty shade of pink and then a strawberry red. That was when Thor stopped and put the crop aside. 

The redness would fade soon, leaving no traces. In a line of work, where leaving marks could very well ruin his client’s lives, Thor was very mindful as to how far he could go. 

He loosened the knot, keeping the rope attached to the hook taut and pulled it from the ring of Loki’s collar, whose head immediately dropped forward, as he filled his lungs with large wet breaths. 

Next, Thor knelt down behind Loki and took a moment to tightly grip his heated buttocks, pulling them apart to get a good view of his ruined hole. He was stretched out by the way the hook had pulled upward but he still tried to tighten up when Thor traced his rim with one finger. 

Thor watched with awe for a moment, then he pulled the heavy object from Loki‘s body who buried his face into his shoulder to muffle the moans that were drawn from him in response. He put the hook aside and got up to release the rope that was holding Loki’s arms up. 

It was only due to his own physical strength, that allowed him to lower the rope bit by tiny bit, which prevented Loki from just crashing down on the floor. This way he sank slowly into a shivery but relaxed heap at Thor’s feet. 

Thor briefly smiled down at him, but his heart was already heavy, knowing that Loki would demand to be left alone in a few brief minutes. He knelt down beside him and stroked Loki’s sweat-chilled back before he loosened the ties holding his wrists together and gently massaged his fingers to make sure that the circulation was working well. 

It was then that Loki was already growing a little uneasy, but it was only when Thor removed the blindfold, that Loki went back into defense mode. 

Thor couldn’t help but be reminded of a parrot in a cage that started screaming and bickering the moment the blanket was pulled off the cage.

The blindfold was damp with tears and Loki’s eyes were reddened and puffy and still, he came at Thor as though he had personally offended him. 

“I want to be left alone now. Why won’t you leave me alone?”

“Jesus, I just made sure everything was alright with your hands,” But Thor had already backed away, holding up his hands in what he hoped was a soothing gesture. “It’s okay, I’m already leaving. Like last time, don’t hesitate to call me, I’ll just be in the other room.”

He put down Loki’s phone in front of him and took another few steps back, waiting for a response from Loki.

But Loki didn’t answer him, he just covered his face with his hands and waited until Thor had left the room.

~

This time around Thor didn’t feel _as_ guilty but the worry still weighed heavily in the pit of his stomach. It was so bad even, that to keep himself busy he really did start making Loki’s stupid tea, which didn’t have any business being so damned complicated- but Thor guessed it reflected Loki himself.

Fucking complicated. But worth it to a few people. 

He found some distraction and even comfort in following one step after the other, stopping every now and again to listen for any sound coming from the playroom. But apart from the sound of the shower, everything stayed quiet, and briefly, after Thor got done with the tea, Loki left the room, looking impossibly perfect and untouched, like the last time around.

It was a miracle to Thor just the same, one that he didn’t think he could ever get used to.

He gawked at Loki, who pretended not to notice, as he crossed the room to pick up the cup of tea Thor had prepared for him.

“How very kind of you, I was half expecting you to tear up my detailed instruction,” He said, as he put the cup to his lips and took the first sip. “Hm. And it’s not even half bad. With time it’ll probably be quite enjoyable.”

Thor already regretted not having used the opportunity to slap Loki a couple more times during their sessions. Now it was too late.

The only thing he could do now was huff and cross his arms over his chest.

“You’re lucky if I ever decide to make you tea again. This is absolutely ridiculous.”  
But Loki only shrugged his shoulders and took another sip, like he was already certain that Thor would do what he wanted him to in the end. 

And Thor probably would.

“How are you doing though,” Thor asked instead of pursuing the topic further, despite already knowing that he wasn’t going to get a genuine answer.

“Oh, I am very well. I really liked today's session a lot. And my fragile psyche is still intact, as are my hands if that’s what you have been worrying about.”

Thor’s hands balled into fists. He hated just how easily Loki brushed him off and locked him out like none of this was any of Thor’s business. But whether or not he wanted it to be, by being the one inflicting the hurt, it was very much Thor’s business what would become of it. Some wounds started festering. He had experienced that before.

“I’ve also been worrying about your weight. You seem to have lost quite a bit, what’s that about?”

“Who are you? My grandma?” Loki laughed, but it wasn’t the sudden, spontaneous laugh from earlier, that Thor had loved so much. This one was dripping with irony. “But as a matter of fact, yes I’ve lost weight, thank you for noticing. This season I will be walking for Dior on the New York fashion week and they tailor their suits very, very narrowly. But more importantly, even, I am booked by Versace to model for their Haute Couture show. And since you most likely have absolutely no idea how big of a deal that is, I will just tell you, that it is a ginormous deal. If you think you have any idea of how important this is, try to multiply it by five and you might get close.”

Thor listened to Loki, and even though he barely understood anything of what he was saying, it was the most the younger man had ever spoken about himself and Thor was not going to interrupt him, especially not since his eyes were shining with pride. 

“Wow. That’s…that’s really impressive,” Thor said and watched as a tiny smile tugged on Loki’s lips, as he took another sip from his tea. “But can’t they just make the clothes a size larger?”

That earned him a huff from Loki and a look like he was by far the stupidest person on this planet.

“The dress I will be wearing has been in the works for months. Just creating it takes almost a thousand hours of work, from the most skilled tailors, and before that there has to be the concept and the design…they can’t just make it _larger_. The dress won’t ever budge. So, it’s me who has to get smaller. They sent me the measurements and needed me to confirm that I could achieve those, which I agreed to. Briefly before the show, there will be a few adjustments. But if I don’t fit, I don’t fit. Then I can basically throw my entire career in the next garbage can.”

Loki spoke with such fierce passion for the industry and such cold detachment toward himself, that it left Thor speechless.

Sure, he had heard every now and again how harsh the modeling industry was, but he had never really been thinking about it. It was too detached from his everyday life.

“When I began my career, things were easier of course,” Loki continued. Apparently, once he started talking, he couldn’t quite put the lid back on, but Thor didn’t mind that in the slightest. “Ever since it’s been more difficult to keep my figure…a lot of people including my agent are very upset by that. But that just means that I’ll have to work harder, you see?”

“But you’ve been fourteen when you started. Of course, you won’t keep that figure! That’s absolutely insane!” Thor was too shocked by what Loki was telling him, to keep himself from blurting out, what he had wished to keep secret. 

But it was too late. A sharp grin already spread on Loki’s face.

“Been doing some research I see? Well, one might argue that the fashion industry _is_ insane. But I am already infected with that insanity. So, I’ll be part of that circus for however long I can. But my best days might already lay behind me. Per average a modeling career lasts about five years and I’m already far beyond that. And I’m getting old too.”

“Loki you’re twenty-three, that’s not old!” 

“It is when the designer has the chance to book a model that’s seventeen. So, whether or not anyone will care about hiring me in the future, will depend on how the next season is going for me. If I pull off the Haute Couture show, I’ll be going down in modeling history. I’ll be the first man to model female Haute Couture, and half of the industry will hate my guts for it, but I’ll also never be forgotten. Someone will always want to put me in their show, once I’ve done this. And if not…then I wouldn’t even know what to do. Modeling is all I have. If my career ended, my life might as well end with it.”

“Loki…” 

“Stop. I don’t want your sympathy,” Loki cut him off coldly. He had opened up but now his shell snapped shut again, leaving Thor locked out once more. 

Loki went on in a more neutral and controlled tone of voice, setting down the cup of tea on the counter. It was only half empty. “I apologize. I am getting a little melancholic and that is never fun to be around for. Luckily, I have to get going anyways, I am meeting my agent for a drink.”

And before Thor could even grasp it, Loki had already gone to get his jacket.

“I will call you about my next appointment. Thank you for the session, I really enjoyed it a lot. And thank you for the pictures too. They are pretty good, you have a good eye,” Loki spoke, as he put the jacket on and zipped it up. 

Thor had followed him to the door with a deep frown.

“You know Loki, I don’t mind melancholy. You can call me to just talk if you need to.”

Loki stopped, his hand already resting on the handle of the door. And the way he was looking at him now told Thor that Loki was now pitying _him_.

“We both know that I’ll never do that. But thank you nonetheless. It’s very sweet.”

And then Loki just left, leaving Thor feeling lost, while standing in his own studio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a long chapter, I hope you didn't mind! At this point thank you so much for your support and especially your kind words in the comments! I unashamedly admit that it's a solid 70% of my motivation in updating :) 
> 
> I'll try to keep the wait for the next chapter short but I can't make any promises about when exactly I'll update, so thank you for your patience!


	4. Chapter 4

“Thor, there is one question that I would like to ask you.” 

Thor turned to look at Loki the moment he had spoken up. He had opened the door for him a few minutes ago and was waiting for Loki to free himself of his layers of winter clothes. Thor nodded his head encouragingly. 

“Sure, what is it?”

“How comes you don’t fuck me?”

For a moment Thor didn’t even know how to react. Talking about sex was a very basic part of Thor’s job but the way Loki put those statements so bluntly and out of nowhere, still made him stumble every now and again.

It only took a moment to come up with a response, because that too was a question that he had been asked many, many times. Loki wasn’t always as special and unique as he liked to believe.

“I don’t have intercourse with anyone during the first few sessions,” Thor explained. “Firstly, I don’t want sex to be the standard. I’m a Dom, not a hooker after all. Also, it depends on the person. Some people while I really love doing sessions with them, I don’t feel a sexual attraction-“

“But you do feel sexual attraction for me,” Loki interrupted, stating it as an indisputable fact.

“Maybe I do,” Thor admitted, at which Loki smiled as he put his cashmere scarf on the hanger as well. 

“But sex is also very personal, especially during a session. I think you underestimate how overwhelming it can be to have someone fuck you, while you’re completely helpless.”

“Hm, I think I have a pretty good idea,” Loki said nonchalantly and shrugged his shoulders as he put his gloves into his coat’s pockets. 

“You’ve done that with a partner before?”

“In a way, yes,” Loki didn’t seem to want to provide any more detail but something about that statement bothered Thor. And he had sworn to himself, that if he wanted to continue things with Loki, he couldn’t allow himself to look the other way when something felt off to him.

“Consensual, right?” 

“Oh god Thor, I didn’t expect you to have dug that deep during your research. Those allegations happened years ago. Let it go, everyone else did as well,” Loki had meant to brush it off but when he saw Thor’s expression darken, he stopped in his tracks.

“I’ve never read about any allegations,” Thor said, willing his voice to remain steady. 

“Well, then never mind. As I said, those allegations have been made years ago and nothing was ever proven,” Loki answered vaguely, and when he saw that Thor’s features still hadn’t softened, he sighed. “My agent once got into trouble because apparently he had harassed one of the models. But what of it? It happens a dozen times every week and nothing ever comes of it.”

Thor was too stupid to question whether the harassment or the accusations happened a dozen times a week- but in the many sleepless hours that would follow this session, he found himself wishing that he had.

“Did he ever harass you?” 

Loki looked at Thor and for a moment everything seemed to be possible. His lips parted and he looked at Thor like he might really come forward with something genuine. Thor steeled himself for the worst.

But of course, there could have only ever been one answer, really. 

“No. Thor, you’re ridiculing yourself. I like kinky sex. And yes, I’ve had it in the past, perhaps with people less virtuous than yourself but that doesn’t make it rape. And if it was, then it wouldn’t be any of your business either.”

“It would be,” Thor said softly.

“Oh? And why is that?” Loki asked entirely too sharp.

“Because then I might be deepening wounds that I don’t even know about. And I want nothing to do with that.”

“I suppose there’s a story there?” Loki asked after a brief pause. But Thor wouldn’t let himself be played like during their first conversation, when Loki had made him share something about himself, without ever intending to let Thor in on any of his own stories.

“Yes. But that _really_ is none of your business,” Thor said harshly, and Loki lifted a brow. But even he seemed to know not to push it. 

“So…” Loki drawled after a few seconds of awkward silence had passed between them. “We are going to make use of that appointment, aren’t we? I won’t be able to have another one until the shows are over.”

Maybe, if Loki didn’t say that, if he didn’t look at Thor so hopefully, Thor would have denied him.

Maybe he would have told him, that he was having a bad feeling and first wanted to clear that up before going any further. 

That would have been the perfect, responsible thing to do. But reality was different, messier, and Thor pushed his discomfort away against his better knowledge. 

Because he had no valid reason to believe that anything was wrong and he also didn’t want to disappoint Loki, who was looking forward to the session so much and wouldn’t be able to just come back again next week. And fine. Admittedly, he was looking forward to the session as well. He had anticipated it, ever since Loki had called for his appointment.

“Yes, we will,” Thor agreed, and Loki just smiled at him, pleased. “Same old. You know the drill by now, don’t you?”

“I’m a quick learner,” Loki assured with his trademark grin, already on his way to the playroom.

~

When Thor followed, he found Loki on his spot in the middle of the room, still looking just as regal and beautiful but he was also more restless than the last time, shifting and fidgeting, in a way that he hadn’t before.

Thor wondered whether it might be because of the shows that were getting closer with each day. 

Poor Loki was probably stressing out about it, even if he refused to let it show openly.

He wished to relieve some of that tension and give Loki some of the distraction, that he was probably hoping to get out of this session.

Thor walked right past him and over to the bed, where he sat down on the edge. 

“Come on over here,” Thor said, and Loki moved, to gracefully get up on his feet but Thor stopped him. “No. Not like that. On your hands and knees.”

Loki looked at him, frozen mid-movement. Thor could basically see Loki calculating, whether or not he wanted to disobey and when he finally returned to his sitting position, without making any move to do as he was told, Thor knew exactly what to do. 

Thor got up and walked over with heavy steps to bury his fingers in Loki’s jet-black hair and drag him towards the bed by it. Loki was struggling and kicking but it was all for show, Thor could tell. In front of the bed, he pushed Loki’s face to the ground roughly and kept him there for a moment, listening to the ragged breaths coming from behind the curtain of dark hair. 

“Stay like this,” Thor told him, his voice threateningly low and Loki’s lack of response made him tighten his grip on his hair until he whimpered quietly.

“Yes, sir,” Loki said, and that made Thor let go and straighten up again. 

With that out of the way, he went to the cabinet, to receive what he needed for today’s session, uncaring whether Loki could see. He would probably not be able to get the full picture just from seeing those objects. Thor put them down next to one another on the bed and then sat back down again. 

“Look up at me Loki.”

Loki straightened up and shook his head to get the hair out of his face, before he made eye contact with Thor, lifting a brow questioningly.

Thor had to admit it. Loki was tough. Most of the people he worked with, would have already been intimidated by now, but Loki needed more to finally succumb and allow himself to drop into subspace.

“If you’re going to be good, we can do this on the bed. It’ll be a lot nicer for you. But if you want to play it rough, I have no problem keeping you here on the floor. Your call. Got it?”

A smirk made the corner of Loki’s lips quirk up, but he tried to suppress it, so Thor pretended not to see.

“I promise to be good,” Loki managed to sound both sincere and ironic and Thor huffed an amused laugh. 

“Come on up then. Hands and knees,” He patted the middle of the bed and then watched as Loki came crawling up the bed, with a grace that still surprised Thor. Just the way Loki moved, so smoothly yet with an underlying strength- but Thor couldn’t get lost on it now, not with so much to do. 

He lied his hand on Loki’s back and pushed him down on it until his shoulders were resting on the mattress and his face was pushed against the soft fabric of the blankets beneath. 

Loki replied with a low hum, that made Thor’s lip quirk up.

He really was a sub by heart, enjoying all those small shows of dominance. 

Thor took a hold of Loki’s wrists and pulled them backward, to rest at the small of his back. One of Thor’s hands was enough, to keep his hold on Loki’s wrists, even as he started struggling, trying to break free. But he didn’t stand a chance, Thor had reached for a pair of handcuffs and expertly tightened them around Loki’s wrists before he let go. 

Then Thor reached for a long metal bar, with two cuffs at either side, meant for Loki’s thighs. He sat behind Loki, nudging his legs further apart until there was enough space for the bar to fit, then he attached one of the broad leather straps to Loki’s thigh, just above his knee and then repeated the process on the other side. 

Loki moaned so beautifully, as he tried to close his legs, that Thor grabbed two lengths of rope, to tie his ankles, to his upper thighs, thus intensifying the feeling of helplessness and being exposed. And sure enough, it did draw the most delicious whimpers from Loki when he realized what was being done to him.

“I’ll explain to you what will happen now,” Thor said, now that Loki was rendered completely helpless. He uncapped the bottle of lube and started pushed one finger into Loki’s obscenely presented hole. “You’ve probably already noticed the anal beads and the bullet vibrator on the bed.” 

“Yes, I did,” Loki breathed out, his voice nothing but a low murmur, that’s how far gone he was already.

“I’ll attach the vibrator to your cock. And I’ll work the beads into you. Once that’s done, you will receive twenty blows with the paddle, while the vibrator is turned to a higher setting. You’ll count and if you fail to do so, we will start over. All the while you must not come. Then I’ll remove the beads and if you don’t come on that either, a reward awaits you. If you do come, I’ll leave the vibrator turned on until you can’t even beg for it to stop. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir,” And if Loki had been far gone a few minutes ago, he had sunken even deeper by now. His hole had started to rhythmically clench around Thor’s fingers and his cock hung hard and heavy between his legs.

After pulling his fingers out and cleaning them, Thor picked up the vibrator, shaped like a little egg and attached to an adjustable band, it was easily tightened around the base of Loki’s cock, somewhat serving is a cock ring, to make things at least a little easier on Loki. 

The press of a tiny button made the unsuspicious toy come to life at a low setting, which drew a long, heavy moan from Loki. That moan turned into a shriek, when Thor tightly gripped the head of his cock, letting his blunt fingernails scrape lightly over the smooth head.

Loki almost lost his balance and Thor withdrew with a laugh. 

Next, he picked up the beads. They were six silicone balls, held together by a band of the same material. The smallest was the size of a marble and they grew continuously bigger until the sixth one was about the size of a small egg.

Thor had not spent too much time preparing Loki, so he moaned even as the first ball slipped into him with relative ease. The next one still didn’t need any real pressure to be pushed inside but by the time Thor reached the fourth one, he needed to push harder until the rim of Loki’s ass would open up and swallow up the silicone.

Once it was inside, a heavy full-body shudder went through Loki and Thor lied his hand on the small of Loki’s back, to rub the muscles there soothingly. 

In response, he heard a soft sob coming from Loki and he leaned over and brushed his hair aside to get a look at his face. His pale skin was flushed, his eyes dark and shimmering with unshed tears. Thor gently lied his hand on Loki’s cheek, but Loki snapped out of his state for a second to glare at him.

“Thor…” He started threateningly. He needn’t continue. Thor withdrew with a sigh, knowing that this wasn’t what they agreed to. Loki wanted a tough Dom and not to be comforted. He had made that clear during the first time they talked, and Thor had agreed. Which made it wrong, to force-feed him his kindness, even if it was tempting.

But at least Loki‘s response showed Thor that he was doing okay so far.

To make up for his misstep, Thor gave Loki’s ass a hard slap before he went on to force the fifth bead into his tight opening. It took more pressure than before and Thor could hear Loki’s breathing going raggedly, as his tied hands tightened into fists.

“Come on, open up,” Thor said, massaging the rim with his thumb. “Be good. Take it…yes, that’s it, there we go.”

Loki let out a relieved sob. He must be feeling so full already.

Thor took a minute to just knead the firm, yet supple flesh of his buttocks.

“One more to go. Think you can do it?” Thor asked, hoping that Loki would take the question as seriously as he meant it. If Loki were to say no or use his safeword, they would stop.

But Loki only rasped out his agreement and shifted on his knees, to brace himself for what was about to come. 

The last one took more time still, Thor put some more lube on his fingers to massage Loki’s taut hole, to get it to relax further. 

Loki’s whimpers grew in volume and frequency, soft tremors were running through his bound legs but Thor was unrelentless. 

And finally, the ball was pushed in up to its widest point and then got sucked inside with ease. At first, the shivers grew worse, the feeling of fullness and his sore rim must be turning into a strange sensation since it was so unlike the penetration that came with being fucked.

“There we go, that was the last one,” Thor said, which made another choked little sob fight its way out of Loki’s throat. 

He would have liked to take a few minutes just to rub Loki’s back, his legs, chase away the trembling but Loki wasn’t going to like that, so Thor only gave him a bit of a break, to get accustomed to the feeling, before he reached between his legs, to press the tiny button on the bullet vibrator twice, making it go up two levels of intensity.

It drew an instant reaction from Loki, who moaned throatily and bucked his hips. But his angry red cock had nothing to rub against and Thor watched mesmerized as a drop of precome gathered at the tip, building up until it dripped down.

Fuck. His own dick made itself noticeable by how painfully hard it was getting. 

To think that he could let Loki suck him off, almost drove him wild with need. But he couldn’t. Not now. Not with the way things were between them already.

He pushed his hand on his cock to give himself some relief before he picked up the paddle. 

Thor lifted his arm and brought it down to make the paddle connect with the soft flesh of Loki’s ass. 

But the only sound that came from him was a surprised gasp. 

So, Thor repeated the movement a few times, before giving Loki the reminder he obviously needed.

“We are still at one,” Thor said. “I can keep this going for however long I have to.”

It still took Loki a second to make sense of Thor’s words but just before Thor could hit him again, Loki hurriedly gasped out: “One.”

“There we go,” Thor sounded pleased and lifted the paddle again, making it connect with Loki’s ass once more. It was already starting to turn a rosy colour. 

“Two,” Loki said hoarsely, this time without being prompted. “Three…”

They got to ten like this, that’s when Thor reached for the vibrator again to make it go up another level. That made Loki flinch dramatically before he got used to the new intensity. But now he was only just barely gasping out the numbers in between ragged moans and shouts. Thor had to tell him to keep still twice because his hips would start stuttering on their own.

By the end of it, Loki was beautifully undone, he was begging softly in between moans, his hair damp with sweat, and Thor would have liked nothing more than to fuck him now.

“Please…Thor, please. I can’t. I don’t know if I…I’ll come,” Loki begged. 

Watching Loki shift and move so beautifully had given Thor an idea.

“Loki. Listen to me. I can either turn off the vibrator now and remove the beads, or I go and get your phone to take some pictures, but the vibrator stays on until then. How about that?”

Loki whimpered pitifully and flexed his bound hands.

“Pictures. Take a picture of me. Please.”

Thor patted the heated skin of Loki’s ass and turned the vibrator down one level, to give him a fair fighting chance, before he got up to get his phone from the suit folded in the corner of the room. 

Unlucky for Loki the damned thing had about a dozen different pockets, so it took a while for Thor to find the right one. As he searched, he found other objects. 

A foldable comb, a sample size of cologne, a small tube of colour correcting concealer, and a tiny palette that had blush, bronzer, and highlighter in it. 

Thor realized that this must be what helped Loki look so untouched right after the session. He was quite literally covering everything up.

But it wasn’t before his fingers brushed smooth plastic and he pulled a tiny bag of white powder from the front pocket of Loki’s jacket, that his awe turned to disbelief. 

Thor stared at it for a moment unable to process the implications until a loud moan, coming from the bed made him return to reality.

“Thor. Oh god, please I can’t…I can’t…” Loki sobbed, and Thor numbly put the bag into his own pocket, before he finally found Loki’s phone in the opposite pocket and returned to the bed. 

Thor couldn’t even process what he had just stumbled upon, much less decide on how to react and so his body went to autopilot and continued as though nothing happened, even as his head was like it was stuffed up too tightly with cotton. 

He took the pictures for Loki, letting the camera capture his wet and ruddy face, his parted lips, and his eyes squeezed shut with the effort to hold back his orgasm. 

A frustrated scream came from Loki, so unexpected that Thor almost flinched when he turned off the vibrator, but the sound slowly turned to sobs, probably both of relief and frustration. Reaching below Loki, he found that a small wet spot had gathered, from where drops of pre-come had leaked from his cock.

Usually, he would have been proud of Loki for holding on. Would have praised him for being so obedient but Thor found that he was unable to. He didn’t even remember that he had promised him a reward.

He didn’t soothe him either, when Loki started crying for real, as Thor slowly pulled out the beads, one after the other. The sensation of them going out was much more intense than them going in, drawing a mix of needy moans, and choked sobs from Loki, who had slumped down as far as he could.

The tension had made way for heavy exhaustion and Thor didn’t even attempt to correct Loki’s position anymore. He had gone through so much he was being good just holding still. Only when Loki started rutting against the mattress, Thor put a hand on his back, and even without a verbal order, Loki stopped immediately, with no other protest than a frustrated cry.

Once the beads were out, Thor undid Loki’s bondage, first freeing his ankles and removing the spreader bar before he gently massaged Loki’s legs to relieve the tension and get the circulation going. 

Then he opened the handcuffs and freed Loki’s wrists from them, which made his arms fall to the side. His entire body was slumped down from exhaustion and once free, Loki immediately curled up on his side with a soft whimper, just like he did the last time. 

And that helped Thor snap out of his detached state of mind. The wellbeing of his subs always had to come first.

“Hey Loki, you okay?”

“Mhm,” Loki mumbled. “Leave. Please. See you in a few minutes.”

Thor sighed. His hand twitched at his side, wanting to reach out for Loki.

“If you want to come, feel free to, yes?”

“Yes…yes,” Loki sucked in a wet breath, refusing to look at Thor. “See you.”

~

Thor waited, sitting in his chair by the window, staring outside.  
It wasn’t even so much that he was lost in thought, much rather his mind had just gone blank.  
He listened to something being hit or kicked inside the bathroom, but he didn’t go in to investigate, he could figure what was causing Loki to lash out like this. Still, it wasn’t until after the shower and after having put his clothes and his makeup on, that Loki stormed out of the room, looking at Thor furiously.

“Are you mad?” Loki hissed. “Give it back!” 

Thor was surprised by just how bluntly Loki choose to address the topic. He didn’t even attempt to sugar coat it, or even pretend like he hadn’t noticed the sachet missing, to save them both the awkwardness of this talk. 

And Thor didn’t need any more incentive than Loki’s reaction, to blow up himself. 

He slammed his fist down on the wooden table in front of him and got up to face Loki directly.

“What the fuck Loki?! You’re doing drugs in my bathroom?! After a session? Are you fucking out of your mind?” Thor roared and Loki momentarily flinched away but came back at him, fuelled by the unholy power of the addicted. 

“So what? What’s the big deal with me doing a few lines?”

“So, it’s coke?”

“No, it’s baking powder- of course it’s fucking coke!”

Thor stared at Loki, his nostrils flaring with rage. How could Loki be so unapologetic about it? Like he couldn’t even understand why Thor took offense in him casually doing drugs in the bathroom.

He probably _really_ didn’t understand.

And realizing that made Thor calm down just a little. He was losing control, getting worked up and it wasn’t getting them anywhere.

“We made a deal. That I would check in on you, after giving you some time to gather yourself. But that’s all worthless if you’re high by the time I get to talk to you!”  
“Why? You only need me to say that I’m okay for the protocol. What does it matter?”

“It matters because it’s the only thing keeping me from being an abuser! Don’t you fucking get it? I beat you up. I hurt you. Having your consent and taking the time to care for you, is the only thing making this any different from me abusing you and you just think it’s a joke!’

That was the first thing that made Loki shut up. Thor realized that tears were beginning to blur his vision and he roughly wiped them away.

“Why are you doing this?” Thor tried. “Is it really that terrible to be taken care of for even five god damned minutes, rather than fucking over the person who trusts you?” 

“It wouldn’t be five minutes,” Loki said, suddenly sounding defeated. “I’ll break down. Everything will get messy. I won’t be able to put myself back together again and I can’t afford that.”

Thor wasn’t expecting this sudden honesty. 

“Why not? Everyone breaks down every once in a while. It’s normal. It’s human.”

“You just don’t get it. I cannot take that risk. I have to keep moving, otherwise, I’ll never get back into the rhythm again. There’s so much I need to do…my schedule is full to the brim. I can’t just take a few days off or arrive at a shooting with a snotty nose and puffy eyes, just because I’m in a bad mood,” Loki drew in a shaky breath. “You’re really going to demand I risk my career, so you feel less guilty?”

“What kind of career needs you to take drugs in order to keep functioning?”

“Bankers, doctors, lawyers…It’s everyday reality, not just for me. Don’t act like you’re morally superior, just because some people do what they need, to keep up.”

“Is it worth it?”

Loki shrugged in response. “What does it matter? This is my life. What do you expect me to do about it?”

Yeah? What was he expecting Loki to do about it? Demand that he go to rehab miss the season that was so vital to his future? To quit his job altogether and go look for something less stressful?

“I can’t go on like that,” Thor was suddenly feeling very weak and he sat back down in his chair. “I can’t keep this up if I can’t keep you safe.”

“Are you fucking serious right now?” Loki stared at him in disbelief and Thor watched as a tear fell from his eye, tracing his cheek and dropping from his sharp chin. 

Loki’s lower lip trembled, and Thor had to look away.

“I am serious. I can’t take the responsibility that way. And while I can’t stop you, I strongly advise you not to go to the kind of Dom that doesn’t have a problem with any of this. Because they might cause you real harm,” Thor said wearily. 

“Oh, fuck you. Maybe I’d prefer someone who _actually_ listens to me and who isn’t as fucking soft as you are,” Loki spat at him, like a venomous snake. “Now are you going to give me back my coke, or do you really have to make me get new one?”

Thor stayed still. He refused to give Loki back the sachet. It felt wrong to give drugs to an obviously upset person and he was done compromising his morals.

“Oh my god,” Loki threw his hands in the air theatrically and then pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. “Fuck you so much. You think you’re so great but you’re just an ass who doesn’t understand _anything_.” 

Thor watched, as Loki went to grab his coat, not even bothering to put it on. He seemed to only want to get out of here as quickly as possible.

“Loki, wait-“ Thor tried and Loki did stop, glaring at him from across the room. “Be safe okay? Don’t be stupid now.”

Loki seemed to be momentarily taken aback by the tremor in Thor’s voice but just a second later, he ripped the door open and slammed it shut behind himself, leaving Thor alone in the studio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki learns the hard way, that normal people don't appreciate it when he takes drugs in the bathroom. But what do they say? It has to get worse before it can get better???
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for all your lovely comments, reading them always puts a smile on my face!  
> I hope the next chapter will be ready in the next few days!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind the tags for this chapter if you are easily triggered by mentions of suicide!

_Thor was just on his way home he had already reached the door to his apartment building when he remembered. He had left Sigyn at the studio._

_He had tied her up and then forgot about her and just went home._

_The realization was like a bucket of ice water being emptied over his head and woke a sense of panicked urgency within him. He hurried back but it seemed to take him forever, his movements were so painfully slow, and for some reason, he couldn’t properly open his eyes, so he couldn’t see where he was going, he kept bumping against things, slowing him down further._

_And even once he reached the building the studio was in, he kept slipping down the stairs over and over again. Thor wanted to cry in frustration, he needed to get to Sigyn as quickly as possible but no matter how hard he tried, he could hardly even make it up the stairs._

_Once he finally fought his way into the playroom, he saw her tied up and hanging from the ceiling. Red rope was tied around her legs, her arms, her upper body- around her neck._

_But when Thor got closer, he realized that it wasn’t Sigyn at all._

_It was Loki who was hanging in the ropes like a fly in a spider’s web, struggling and choking. God, he was choking. He was going to die._

_Thor tried to undo the knots, but his fingers were huge and numb and he couldn’t open them…Loki was looking at him, silently begging for help and suddenly his gaze turned blank and his body went limp and Thor was still trying in vain to undo the bondage-_

When Thor woke up, he was drenched in sweat and tears, cold and hot at the same time, as reality was slowly falling back into place around him. 

Oh god.

He was in his room. It was in the middle of the night.

Loki was alive. He hadn’t killed him. He was alive…everything was normal again.

The dream’s reality was only slowly loosening its cruel grip on Thor and he was overcome by emotion, starting to sob messily, in the safety and privacy of his darkened room.

It had been so long since he had last dreamt of Sigyn. But every now and again the past still haunted him, breathed icily down his back as if to say: _I’m still here. You can’t get rid of me._

Thor couldn’t say in bed. 

He got up to make himself a cup of hot chocolate, hoping that it might calm his nerves. And it did. The tears stopped and he grew calmer again. 

But for the remainder of the night, he never found enough peace to go back to sleep. The fear of having an equally unsettling dream was too strong.

_~_

The next day at work, Thor was exhausted. Memory’s of both Loki and Sigyn assaulted him out of nowhere and as the day progressed, it got so bad that he realized that he couldn’t go on. Thor had just canceled his last appointment for the day, to get home early, when his phone rang, and glancing down at the screen made him freeze.

It was Loki.

“Hello?” Thor asked when answering the call and for a few seconds, he was only met with silence. Maybe Loki had called him on accident? Or he had changed his mind. But just as Thor wanted to hang up, he started speaking.

“Hello. I was…I was wondering if I could get an appointment? Now?” Loki sounded like he was struggling to speak, every word seemed to be an effort to him, but his voice remained even and steady. “I will pay you double for the inconvenience.”

Something was wrong. But Thor’s intuition told him to keep Loki on the phone and to get him here, rather than to question him now and maybe drive him away.

“Sure. I have an appointment open right now, you can get here immediately if you want to.”

“Yes. Yes, that’s good. Thank you very much.”

“When will you be here?”

“I- in fifteen minutes?” 

Thor gripped his phone tighter.

“I’m waiting for you. Don’t be late.”

And then Loki hung up. 

Thor stared at his phone blankly. This was so unlike Loki- he usually called at least two weeks in advance for an appointment. As he loved to remind Thor, he was extremely busy. 

So, what the hell was this about? A sudden change of heart? Did he want to apologize?

No. Thor quite frankly couldn’t imagine that. 

The minutes passed by slowly and the bad feeling that had been resting in the pit of his stomach like a heavy, cold stone ever since he had woken up from that nightmare, seemed to be growing larger.

Thor didn’t want to start worrying before he even knew what was going on, but his mind had already gotten started on multiple theories, all fabricated out of the limited knowledge he had gathered on Loki. Was it the drugs? Or was it something regarding Loki’s weird agent perhaps? He wouldn’t hurt Loki. Right?

He was grateful to be cut off by a knock on the door and he hurried to go and let Loki inside.

But as he opened the door, he wasn’t greeted by the usual sight of a sharply dressed, confident Loki with a beautiful yet somehow wicked smile playing around his lips.

No, this time around Loki’s eyes were hidden away by sunglasses, that seemed far too big for his gaunt face, his lips were turned downwards and instead of moving smoothly, like a cat, his movements were erratic and tense. 

He stepped past Thor without even saying a word and started taking off his outerwear, leaving his sunglasses for last. But when he took those off, Thor couldn’t help but stare.

Loki’s eyes were puffy and red, oddly and tragically beautiful with the way it made the green of his irises stand out. He looked like he had been crying for hours.

“Loki, what happened?” Thor asked, unable to hide the shock from his voice, which made Loki scoff.

“Who says anything must’ve happened? Do I have to be judged here too, just because I look like shit?” Loki’s voice was so sharp but also hoarse from crying. 

“You know that’s not the point I’m trying to make…”

“I really, really need you to just…do your thing. Do whatever. Tie me up, beat me. Please. I’ll pay you a lot of money. And I won’t do any drugs, just…do that for me,” Loki was begging desperately, his speech pattern was cut off and derailed, as it usually only was by the peak of a session. So, unlike him.

“Not until I know what this is about,” Thor said, and he hated the way Loki’s face crumbled in anger and barely masked desperation. But still Thor insisted. “We talked about this last time. I don’t want to take part in this if I don’t even know what role I’m playing. What is this about?”

“They replaced me,” Loki finally gasped out and now his expression twisted into a pained grimace. But Loki fought to get himself under control. His fists were clenched tightly at his sides and the sob that was trying to claw its way out of his throat only came out as a tiny, broken wail. Like a boiling kettle.

“Who?” Thor asked as he took a step closer towards Loki, who looked like he might crumple down on the floor at any given moment.

“For the show,” Loki choked out and Thor felt sorry for even forcing him to keep talking when it was painful to even listen to him. But Loki continued on his own, without prompting. “F-for the Versace. The Haute Cou-couture. They don’t want me anymoreeee…” 

Loki ended in a wail and brutally bit down on his lower lip to get himself to shut up again. Which hardly worked, the next sobs already made his shoulders shake. 

“Oh my god Loki, I’m so sorry,” Thor was right in front of Loki now, his arms awkwardly angled at his side, because he wished to hold Loki, but didn’t dare to reach out for him.

“I’m not here to be- to be pitied-“ Loki was still struggling to keep the sobs inside, probably without realizing that it made him look so much more pitiful. Thor wanted nothing more than to make it stop and to help Loki but there was no way that he could have a session with him now. Not in the state he was in. 

“I know…I know Loki,” Thor assured soothingly. “I’m sorry. I’m not pitying you.”

Loki didn’t respond, he was standing in the middle of the room, stiff as a wooden board, his fingers oddly spread apart and trembling with tension, while the effort to keep himself quiet, made a vein stand out at his temple and his jaw muscles shifted beneath the skin with how tightly Loki was biting down. 

Fuck. He was going to have a panic attack. Or a meltdown. Or maybe he was already in the middle of one.

And Thor didn’t dare reach out for him and hold him. It was the way he usually handled things. By physical comfort, a hug, a back rub, or even just holding someone’s hand- and most of the people he was with, reacted very well to it. But the memory of Loki had actually flinching away during their first session held Thor back.

He didn’t know how to talk someone out of a panic attack, he had no idea what to say and the sense of helplessness was starting to make him panic too. But looking at Loki, he got an idea. While he couldn’t physically embrace Loki, he could offer him the next best thing. 

“I’ll be right back Loki. Just a second, alright?” Thor said, waiting a second for Loki to respond but when he didn’t, Thor just hurried into the playroom, to get one of the heavy blankets that he kept in a closet by the door. He returned to Loki, who hadn’t moved by a bit during the time Thor had been away.

“Gonna put that around your shoulders,” Thor told Loki before he put the blanket around Loki. Despite the warning, the younger man still startled. But he didn’t move away, didn’t grow more panicked. And once a few seconds passed, Loki seemed to grow calmer. 

Thor went on to wrap the blanket tightly around Loki’s upper body, so tight that it was pressing his arms to his body and applied steady pressure, making him unable to move and that seemed to do the trick. After the tension peaked, when Thor approached him, now it seemed to fade away. Loki’s tense shoulders lowered, his rigid back slumped forward lightly and Loki sucked in the first deep breath, ever since he had entered the room.

It worked for the same reason bondage did for some people, allowing them to just be in the moment for a while. Making them feel their bodies more consciously and that ultimately allowed them to relax.

Of course, this was different, because the blanket was also warm and soft and if Loki choose to start struggling, it would come undone within seconds. But Loki stayed perfectly still, almost like he didn’t want to risk making the blanket slip away from him with a careless movement.

Loki was still choking on the sobs, that he was trying to keep inside but for the first time, he could actually stand to look at Thor, with his bloodshot eyes which were swollen and shimmering with tears. 

“There we go. Go sit down now.”

Was it okay for Thor to start calling the shots now? He wasn’t sure. 

Was it effective? Yes. Very. 

Loki didn’t even fight back, he just quietly walked over to the chair and sat down on it, leaning back in it with a heaving sigh.

Thor went to sit down in front of him, allowing the silence between them for a minute but then he grew too impatient and restless. Just like he wasn’t good at denying himself, he wasn’t good at making himself wait either.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Thor asked softly and Loki scoffed in response, the sound so cynical and yet so sad.

“What about?”

“Why did they…turn you down?”

“It was too risky for them,” Loki still seemed like he was struggling to speak but for a new reason. He no longer had to viciously fight his sobs, they had died down, even if his eyes were still brimming with tears. Now he just sounded endlessly tired, like every word was taking an enormous effort for him to say.

“I think…they’re scared they’ll be excluded by the Haute Couture committee,” Loki took a break like he had to gain new strength to keep on speaking. A tear fell from his eyes and he briefly glanced down. “So now they’ll just get someone else. Won’t be difficult. They have thousands of girls to choose from.”

“Fuck Loki, I’m so sorry…”

Loki snorted and briefly looked up at Thor to offer him his usual ironic smile- though much of its sharpness was dulled by how impossibly sad he looked. 

“You already said that.”

“I’ll say it again. Because I _am_ sorry. And it sucks, they suck. Those spineless fucking bootlickers-“

Loki’s smile momentarily brightened by the tiniest bit, like a flickering candle in a gust of wind but then it slipped from his face again entirely.

“My agent…he thinks it’s because they weren’t sure I could get the measurements,” Loki said his voice heavy with worry.

“Well then he’s just as much of a spineless bootlicker,“ Thor had hoped that the expression might make Loki smile again but this time his lips stayed slack, the corners slightly downturned. “He should be giving them shit for turning you down on such short notice, instead of putting the blame on you! How long was it until the show anyway?”

“A week,” Loki’s voice broke again, and a powerful sob shook him, one that even he couldn’t swallow back down. “The flight would’ve been in two days.”

“Oh god…” Thor felt overcome by how much he felt for Loki at that moment. He couldn’t truly understand the dimension of what Loki was telling him but the pain radiating off of the young man seemed to hit him directly and sink deep to his core, like radiation. “Are you still gonna go?”

“Of course not. It would only be humiliating.”

“So, what will you do instead? You probably don’t have much planned for the next few days. Must be weird when you’re used to being busy every minute of the day.”

“I don’t know,” Loki shrugged his shoulders under the blanket.

“Any friends that could keep you some company?”

“None that I’d like to see right now.”

Thor frowned at that.

“You know, you shouldn’t be alone like that,” He pointed out quietly.

“Oh, am I on suicide watch now?” Loki answered and the cutting edge had returned to his voice. Thor couldn’t help the small flinch that went through him after what Loki had said. 

“Oh fuck, I am,” Loki chuckled mirthlessly and shook his head.

“That’s no joking matter,” Thor said seriously, and Loki looked up at him, just holding Thor’s gaze for a few quiet seconds.

Thor wondered if Loki would ask but the young man decided against it, letting the moment slip away. Something for which Thor was deeply grateful. He was worried he might break into tears if he was confronted, while he was supposed to comfort Loki- already his eyes were stinging suspiciously, and he tried to blink the unpleasant feeling away.

“You won’t have a session with me, will you?” Loki asked to break the silence. He sounded weary and hopeful but also like he already knew the answer.

“No. Definitely not.”

“Then I should probably leave,” Loki said but he made no move to free himself from the blanket, still wrapped tightly around his upper body. 

“To do what? Be miserable and alone?” Thor sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. “You know…you definitely don’t have to say yes but at least think about it for a moment. You could come back to my place. Just for a bit. It’s already late. And yeah, night-time is vicious when you’re at your weakest. You shouldn’t be on your own.”

Loki stayed still, quietly considering Thor’s offer. 

“I take it you’re no longer on your diet? There’s a really great Pizza restaurant just by my apartment. I was gonna go get some,” Thor offered, hoping that it might convince Loki to agree, even if it must be so meaningless to him right now.

“My agent will be super mad, if I immediately gain all that weight again,” Loki said hesitantly.

“Jesus Christ Loki…you won’t gain any weight from having one pizza. And even if? I think everyone including your agent deserves a big middle finger up, after all of this. Don’t you think so?”

Again, Loki’s lips twitched in the faint shadow of a smile.

“Maybe…”

“So, are you going to come with me? I won’t actually make you eat any pizza if you really don’t want to.”

“…okay,” Loki said after another moment of hesitation, and Thor’s expression softened.

“Let’s get going then. My apartment isn’t far.”

~

About an hour later, they were sitting on the floor in Thor’s living room, eating pizza and drinking ice-cold cola along with it.

At first, Loki had only taken small, dainty bites like he was trying to make a point of how he didn’t really want this but after the first slice his self-control seemed to have vanished and Loki went on to eat with such a single-minded focus, that Thor simply allowed him to enjoy, rather than to pester him with questions.

Thor had borrowed him some jogging pants and a shirt, which Loki only put on after making sure that Thor knew, that he wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that in public. Which was a shame, because he looked very cute in the oversize clothing. But somehow Thor liked the idea that Loki dared dress so unfashionably just in front of him. It felt like something really intimate.

When Thor was done, he leaned back against the couch with a sigh and just watched Loki. He still looked really shaken but not like he was going to slip into a panic attack at any given second.

“How was the pizza?” Thor asked once Loki was done eating as well. 

“It was okay,” Loki said with a shrug and Thor could barely hold back the chuckle, because with the way Loki had eaten it was such an obvious lie.

“I’m glad to hear. Sometimes you just need pizza you know?”

“I guess…” Loki drew patterns into the carpet with his index finger. “So, you want me to stay the night?”

“I’m inviting you to stay yes, but you shouldn’t feel obliged. Even though I think it would be better for you to have somebody around.”

There was a brief pause between them.

“You really are worried that I’ll kill myself,” Loki said, stating it as a fact, though the underlying question was so obvious, that he needn’t say it out loud. 

Thor swallowed heavily and now it was his turn to look down at the carpet. “I’m just saying that no one should be alone when feeling like shit. That’s all.”

“You lost someone, right?” Loki asked and Thor wasn’t prepared for the way that question seemed to feel like a punch in the gut.

“No. Not in that way…but I guess I did lose them,” He admitted quietly. 

“You could tell me,” Loki suggested and when Thor opened his mouth to tell him no, he added: “Maybe I’d understand a few things better that way.”

Thor looked back at Loki and frowned. Was this just meant to manipulate him? Did Loki just want to sate his curiosity? But even if, he was probably right anyway. He was holding Loki to standards, that he probably genuinely didn’t understand most of the time.

And their misunderstandings had caused both of them enough harm already. 

“You know, it really isn’t easy to talk about,” Thor tried to chuckle, but the sound came out broken and sad. Loki was still looking at him insistently but said nothing, didn’t tell Thor that it was fine and that he didn’t need to talk about it like he had hoped that he might. 

“Remember what I told you about the mistakes I made, how I hurt people?” Thor looked down at the carpet and flicked away a crumb. “There was this girl I was with, Sigyn. She was by far not the only girl I was with at the time and she knew. During that time…I didn’t care much for anyone in particular. I didn’t love her, and she knew that too. The only thing I loved was what she’d let me do to her. She let me tie her up, hurt her, degrade her. Fuck. I did awful things to her. Called her awful things.”

Thor still stared at the carpet, but it was slowly dissolving in front of his eyes, as they filled with tears.

“I never asked for consent. There was no safe word or anything…she seemed to enjoy it as much as me. She never told me told me to stop, she never got angry with me or pushed me away and that encouraged me to go on. Because I thought that was enough, you see? I was so fucking stupid back then. And I think…in some way she did like it as well. After all, she kept calling me and asked me over, knowing exactly what would happen. But I didn’t realize that she was just using me. I was just an elaborate tool for her to harm herself with.”

Thor harshly rubbed over his eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm down. Loki was still so silent and something about that just made the story spill from Thor so easily. He hadn’t been talking about this in so long.

“I only realized when she tried to kill herself. She wouldn’t pick up the phone and the messages I sent weren’t delivered. So, I reached out to one of her friends and he told me that she was in hospital. And he looked at me with such…disgust. God. It was eating me up. Because I’ve been hitting her and called her an undeserving whore just the other week- and I never stopped to think, that she might take any of that to heart. That she sought contact to me, so that I’d tell her all the things, she believed to be true deep down. I tried desperately to contact her. It was weeks before my messages were even delivered, where she was, she probably wasn’t allowed a cell phone. And when she finally did read my messages, she told me that she was in recovery and that I please should never contact her again.”

“That’s harsh,” Loki said and when Thor looked up at him, he could see that he was frowning. “After all she played a part in this too.”

“Maybe. But I played an undeniable role in this as well. I didn’t even realize that taking control meant taking responsibility. I was just so fucking blind.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself. After all, in a way she was taking advantage of you as well,” Loki pointed out. 

“Stop trying to defend me, this isn’t at all why I’ve been telling you this story,” Thor said his tone a little too hard, making Loki shift away from him. “It’s just…I know I‘m to blame. Not fully. I don’t think she tried to kill herself _because_ of me. There was probably a lot going on in her life besides me, there must have been a lot of hurt outside of what I did. But the thing is, that I’ve never bothered to ask either. I thought we were just having fun, but I was too self-absorbed to think that there’s dangerous elements to BDSM. Physically and psychologically. I never bothered to educate myself.”

“Well, but you’re educated now. So why are you telling me that story?”

“I think you know why,” Thor said and he finally dared to look at Loki again. “Because I can’t shake the feeling that I’m the same thing to you, as I was to her. A tool for self-harm. You came today, upset, asking to be hurt. What was that about? A way to cope with your emotions? A form of self-punishment?”

Loki looked so…caught that it would have been hilarious in any other context.

“No,” Loki said defiantly but it sounded like he was arguing with Thor just because.

“I just…I want you to think about it okay? Just take the time to really make an effort and ask yourself those questions. What exactly do you want? And why? And then we can work on how to do that safely,” Thor said. “I don’t want to end this with you…but I _can’t_ go on, if I won’t be able to do my part in protecting you.”

Loki didn’t reply to that and Thor decided not to push it now. Loki had gone through enough today.

Not to mention that Thor himself had gone through a lot as well. Leaden tiredness seemed to overcome him all of a sudden.

“I’ll get the bed ready for you, okay?” Thor said as he pushed himself up to stand. “I’ll be staying on the couch tonight.”

Loki laughed dryly and when Thor looked down at him, he saw him shaking his head.

“What?” Thor asked, with a frown. 

“Nothing…that’s just exactly what I’ve been expecting from you at this point,” Loki explained. Which only left Thor more puzzled.

But figuring Loki out was definitely a task for another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Thor got B A C K S T O R Y now! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading and I can't wait to hear about your thoughts!


	6. Chapter 6

That night Thor had slept much more peacefully on the couch than he had in his bed night before. No nightmares plagued him and as he opened his eyes to the first rays of sun seeping into the apartment from behind the curtains, he felt well-rested and at ease.

As he got up to look out of the window, he was greeted by the sun, that had just risen above the buildings, barely obstructed by the shreds of clouds floating slowly across the pale blue sky. It was a perfect day and his first appointment wouldn’t be before late afternoon. 

Perhaps he should ask Loki to spend the morning with him, they could go to the nearby park for a walk. Or visit a museum. Or whatever Loki liked to do.

Thor went to go wake Loki up and then ask for his opinion on the matter, but as he knocked on the door to his bedroom and Loki told him to enter, he found that the young man was on the floor, balancing on his forearms, while his back was heavily arched and his legs were high up in the air, curved over his head.

He held the pose for a few admirable seconds before he slowly brought his legs down until they were back on the ground and Loki could straighten up to kneel in front of Thor with a cocky smile tugging on the corners of his lips, making him look that much more enchanting.

“You’re already up?” Thor asked stupidly after he cleared his throat.

“Have been up for two hours now. And now I’m almost done with my yoga routine.”

“That looked really cool,” Thor said, and it seemed to be exactly what Loki wanted to hear because his face lit up even brighter. His eyes were still puffy, and he was still paler than usual, but he seemed to have rebuilt most of his façade already. And Thor hoped so badly that was a good sign. 

“Oh why, thank you. It’s called the scorpion. I could try to teach you.”

Thor huffed a laugh. “You only want to see me fail, to feel better about yourself!” He pointed out with a chuckle and the way Loki’s eyes sparkled with mischief, told him that he was exactly right. “I’m not much into yoga as you probably guessed.”

“No, I wasn’t expecting those muscles to be the result of the downward dog pose,” Loki said as he smoothly moved to get up. “Let me guess, you go to the gym a lot?”

“That too. But I do kickboxing as well. Not as much as I used to but it’s a good outlet you know?”

“Yes, I figure,” Loki said, and he was looking at Thor a little too thoughtfully for his liking. Like he was trying to see right through him, making Thor shift uncomfortably for a moment.

“You want to have breakfast? I was thinking we could go to the park afterward?” Thor suggested, to change the topic of the conversation. 

Loki stretched, arching his back and showing off the pale expanse of his stomach, as his shirt slipped up a little with the movement. Thor had to swallow and physically turn his head to look away from the intriguing sight. Now wasn’t the time. Definitely not the time.

“What would you suggest for breakfast?” Loki asked once he brought his arms back down and arched a brow.

“I could make some pancakes,“ Thor offered. „Or scrambled eggs. I’ve got some cereal as well, uh, I think it’s Frosted Flakes or something.”

The expression on Loki’s face told him that he wasn’t particularly interested in any of those options. 

“That’s not really my kind of breakfast. Processed sugars make me break out and the other stuff is basically fried food. I can’t have that after the pizza last night,” Loki argued, with his arms crossed over his chest. 

Thor almost rolled his eyes, because that was ridiculous to him, of course, he _could_ have some scrambled eggs right now, to Thor that counted as a pretty healthy breakfast, but Loki seemed to disagree. And Thor wasn’t intent on starting a discussion about food now, especially since Loki’s diet really seemed to be important to him.

“So, any suggestions about where we could go instead?” Thor asked and watched as Loki’s arms unfolded and he took a less defensive stance. Instead, his face seemed to light up a little.

“Yes, there’s this really great place over by Westmond Street. You’ll love it, it really is amazing,” Loki promised. „Just give me a few minutes to get ready.”

~

The place definitely was _not_ great and Thor would be lying through his teeth if he had to say that he loved it.

It was a trendy café, with a clean interior design of white marble with copper details and potted plants fucking everywhere. And Thor could have dealt with that, even though he much preferred a comfortable and homely café over this, but the menu was what made this place truly awful.

Everything was vegan and chia, goji berries and avocado were more dominant ingredients than they had any right to be. 

The pancakes he had ordered were made with oatmeal and chia seeds and tasted just how he would expect wet cardboard to taste like. The chocolate topping, that had no right being called that way was bitter and somewhat grainy like it was merely one hundred percent cacao powder mixed with plain water and it was only bearable if he ate it was some banana.

Meanwhile, Loki seemed to be happy drinking a green smoothie and eating from a plate of raw fruit and vegetables, which was arranged with small dots of sauce, nuts, and edible flowers to make it look less sad Thor assumed.

“When I’m here with En Dwi, he always orders me the vegetable assortment instead, because of the high sugar in the fruits…but when I’m here alone, this is my favourite,” Loki told Thor, as he picked up a piece of mango with his fork.

Thor frowned.

“He orders for you?” 

“Well yes,” Loki seemed to be taken aback, that Thor seemed to find that questionable and Thor could practically see how he was lifting up his defenses again. Somehow questioning En Dwi, seemed to be the same as questioning Loki. “It became a habit when I got started in the industry and didn’t know what was good for me. And sometimes he still makes better decisions, you see. There’s nothing wrong with him ordering for me. A lot of people do that.”

“Yeah. Yes, of course. Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Thor rubbed the back of his neck and scratched some ‘chocolate sauce’ from his pancake. “What kind of habits did you have that weren’t good for you?”

“Well, for once I was eating a lot of sweets. I liked…all kinds of candy really. Chocolate and licorice or sour candy, gummy candy. I could eat it all day. But of course, I couldn’t keep this up in my profession. These days I avoid all processed sugars. No meat. No white flour, no white rice…”

Thor thought that all of those things were still healthier than coke, but he wisely kept his thoughts to himself. Maybe if he could get Loki to open up about trivial things, there would be a base of trust, that would allow them to have more serious conversations about Loki’s needs, motivations, and limits. But they wouldn’t get there if Thor criticized or questioned everything Loki did decide to share about his life.

“I’d guess so. You’re very disciplined, I don’t think I could give up so much,” Thor said, packaging his doubt as a compliment, which Loki happily accepted. Maybe he should praise him more often during their sessions. Every compliment seemed to make Loki light up like he was starved for them- which shouldn’t be the case, Loki was probably told all day how beautiful and perfect he was. Being booked and paid high sums of money for how good he looked, should also speak for itself.

“Yes. I don’t think a lot of people realize how much it takes. But it’s worth it.”

Thor recognized the phrase from their first conversation and this time he decided to dig deeper.

“So, stupid question ahead, what makes it worth it?”

Loki snorted a laugh, as he took a sip from the disgusting green drink in front of him. “That is indeed a stupid question, Thor. I get to travel a lot, meet a lot of interesting people, I get invited to events and I get sent presents just about every day. Especially since social media has started to become more interesting for marketing, I always get packages with skincare, cosmetics, clothes…everything. I’m _someone_. I’m important. People want me to talk to them, to wear their clothes or go to their events. Well…most of the time at least,” Loki trailed off melancholic, hitting the metal straw that came with the smoothie against the glass.

“And that’s not the case outside of modeling?” Thor asked gently but it only made Loki chuckle.

“Oh wow, Mister Freud, I didn’t realize we were in the middle of a psychoanalysis session. If you’d told me I would have found a couch to lie down on,” Loki joked. But then just as Thor was about to apologize, he actually went on to answer the question. “There’s no ‘outside’ of modelling. Not for me, not anymore. Everyone I know, everything I have or do, is either because of modelling, or to be able to keep modelling. I gave it my heart. You know, back in Iceland, my peers called my goblin or gollum or…faggot. Things like that. Because I was so tall and lanky and had that weird face.”

Loki still looked distraught, even though the events he talked about were years in the past.

“It was En Dwi who saw something on me. All the things the others found ugly about me, where what made me interesting for modelling in the first place. And he gave me so much more than just a chance. He was there every step of the way. Without him, without the industry, I’d probably be some sad nobody on an island in the arctic ocean, working in tourism, or herding sheep or something.”

“Herding sheep doesn’t sound like a bad life,” Thor pointed out gently, which earned him a sour look from Loki. So, he didn’t insist on it. Instead, he changed the topic. 

“And do you still have contact to your family? Do you get to visit a lot?”

“No. My last visit was…probably five years ago. And only a formality. I am not welcome there. And they don’t have anything I could want either.”

Thor really, really doubted that. There was always something you wanted from your biological family, even if you didn’t get along with them. An apology. Or even just closure. He knew about that himself. 

“Why is that?” He asked. Loki seemed to be oddly glad to have someone to talk to, someone who cared about what he had to say, because despite his previous efforts to keep to himself, it probably just felt too good to have someone listen, to hold it all in.

“My brother’s they’re twins you see. Not identical…but they have a special bond. They’re also four years older than me, so I was never really close to either of them. And my father…well, I took his wife from him. And for my brother’s, I took their mother away,” Loki swallowed heavily. But he was speaking firmly with no traces of doubt like he was just stating facts. 

“My birth was difficult. Everything with me is always difficult. They were complete before I got there. I took the most important person from them but didn’t add anything of value, to even begin to make up for what I’ve destroyed…I was just a lot of trouble. I still am, don’t get me wrong-” Loki shot him a grin, as if to say that Thor should know about that already- like Loki being troublesome was an inside joke and Thor was in on it. “-but I have something to make up for it now. I’m good at what I’m doing.”

The more Loki talked the more horrified Thor became. 

“You can’t seriously think that your mother died because of you?” Thor asked a deep frown etched into his forehead. Loki had just been _born_. It wasn’t like he had had any say in that. Much less in the death of his mother.

“But she did,” Loki shrugged and looked down at his half-empty plate. “Sure, it wasn’t on purpose. But there is no doubt that she would have been alive if it wasn’t for me. That’s a simple fact, you can’t tell me any different just to make me feel better.”

“You were just a baby. You…you do realize that she was your mother too, right? That you lost her just the same as the rest of your family did? And that they were meant to support you all the more for it?” Thor felt desperate to make Loki see these things as true but the younger man only stayed silent. “You make it sound like you’re a mistake. But you’re not. You’re aware of that, right?”

Loki stayed quiet for a suspiciously long time. Thor wasn’t even sure if he was even breathing. His pale throat worked as he swallowed a few times, while strictly keeping his gaze fixed to the plate in front of himself. Only after a minute or two had passed he dared to look back up at Thor again.

_Control freak_ , Thor remembered. He must have been about to lose control. Close to start crying most likely. But the danger was averted now and when Loki went on to speak, his voice was smooth and steady. 

“I know that I’m not a mistake here, with what I do,” Loki said, which was the shittiest, most evasive, non-answer Thor has heard in a while. “En Dwi makes sure that I know that. He makes sure I know that I have a place in this world.”

“He sounds like a great man,” Thor couldn’t even pretend to sound convinced. “Maybe I get to meet him someday.”

“I don’t think you’d get along,” Loki pointed out, the thought made a faint smile curl around his lips.  
“Why is that?”

“Oh. Just a feeling.”

~ 

They were on their way back to Loki’s apartment, sitting next to one another in the car. Loki had insisted that he was going to be alright on his own and while Thor would have rather kept him around, he had to trust his judgment. 

“You know Loki, you’ve been wrong,” Thor said as they stopped at a traffic light. Loki had given him his address and just by the name of the street Thor had recognized that he was living in one of the most high-end quarters of the city. Thor remembered the nice buildings, the trendy eateries, and restaurants as well as the small parks and impeccable lawns of that neighbourhood, from having driven past it a few times.

“Oh?” Loki asked. Out of the corner of his eyes, Thor could see Loki was looking at him. 

“There is an ‘outside’ of modelling in your life. You came to me. Which has absolutely nothing to do with your career,” Thor couldn’t help but sound at least somewhat triumphant at having found that at least not Loki’s _entire_ life revolved around his work. 

“I guess you’re right,” Loki admitted after a second and turned away to look out of the window.

“What’s the matter?” Thor asked and glanced over with a frown. “You sound sad.”

“No. No, it’s just funny, because you probably won’t continue to see me,” Loki explained. “You’re too good-hearted and too scared of hurting me for real. And I’m too fucked up. This is not going to work out.”

Now it was Loki who was taking him aback. Like he did every god damned time. 

Because he was right in a way. Loki had a lot going on. Thor quite frankly didn’t agree with the way he lived his life. He didn’t like the idea of Loki permanently dieting, despite being so skinny already, he didn’t like how much influence Loki’s agent seemed to have over him and he didn’t like that Loki’s entire self-worth seemed to be tied to his career. It seemed…cultish to Thor. 

And with all that in the background, Thor felt bad about hurting Loki, even just in play. Especially if Loki didn’t allow himself to be taken care of. 

“We can just be friends?” Thor tried and if he didn’t realize how stupid that sounded on its own, Loki’s ironic laugh made sure he knew.

“Friends? You’re so cute, Thor. Unbelievably cute. You want to fuck me, you’re aware of that, are you? Since the first second, you saw me. I’m surprised that you haven’t already, given that every time we saw one another, the opportunity presented itself. I guess you’re very disciplined yourself. But to be friends? You’re kidding yourself.”

Thor wanted to argue, to make a point but Loki already went on, not giving him the chance.

“You know what friends are? Two people who like each other and support each other. Not one fucked up guy, trying to be nice to another even more fucked up guy out of pity. And that would leave every desire I originally came to you for, unsatisfied. Oh, by the way, I have my eyes on a new dom too. I will meet him in two weeks, and he was delighted with me e-mailing him my list. He said we’ll get started right away,” Loki was saying it so casually, but he must know that he was hurting Thor.

He must know that his words cute like blades- because he sure was using them like knives.

Thor gripped the wheel tighter, unprepared for the way it just… _stung_. He never realized how deep his connection to Loki had gotten until now that it was hurting.

“He calls himself Thanos, I’m not sure if that’s his real name, or if-“ Loki was cut off by Thor hitting the brakes, making them stop sharply. Someone honked behind them, but Thor didn’t care. He just stared at Loki. 

“You contacted Thanos?! Are you fucking out of your mind?!” 

“No? Last time I checked-“ But Thor cut him off again. He couldn’t. He was too worked up over the fact that Loki had been intending to visit _Thanos_. He had an appointment with him.

“No. Loki, you can’t go to him. He’s not a good guy.”

“So what? I think I need someone a little less good then yourself if that’s what you mean. And just because he does things differently, doesn’t mean he’s bad. Are you jealous? Is that it?”

“No. No that’s not it at _all_. Thanos is…he’s not convicted. And to me, it’s a mystery that he isn’t. Because he’s…he’s brutal. He goes too far. I’ve met him a few times and I’ve seen him inflict punishments on his subs that were…appalling. Even for me. One of the girls failed a task she was given and he sent her outside, wearing nothing but a collar during a snowstorm. A fucking snowstorm. After a few minutes, everyone at the party got nervous and urged him to bring her back inside, which he did but only reluctantly. God knows how long he would have made her stand there. But even then she was freezing and out of her mind with fear, by the time she got back inside. She threw herself at his feet and apologized,” Just recalling the story made white-hot anger rise in Thor. 

No one should have even allowed that she go outside _at all_. But everyone was too shocked and taken aback. And frankly, even in a room full of naturally dominant people, Thanos had an air of power surrounding him. Maybe the few minutes of delay were really due to the fact, that the others were scared of questioning his authority. And Thor had felt it too. That primal hierarchy. That alpha male mentality that was so fucking ridiculous of course but enough to hold a room full of people captive for a few minutes.

“And he justified everything by saying that he’s the dom and that means he gets to decide what happens. And if someone doesn’t like it, they shouldn’t invite him or shouldn’t agree to be his sub in the first place,” Thor had started driving again but he was feeling somewhat jittery with how worked up he was getting over this.

“He has multiple girlfriends. And they have this weird dynamic going on, where he is a kind of father figure to them? It’s fucked up. They’re really young. I don’t have proof, but I can’t help but wonder if their relationship started before they were of age,” Thor exhaled shakily. “What I’m trying to say is, that you have to cancel that appointment. By all means. Do you understand?”

“I will consider what you’re saying but-“ Loki tried and Thor cut him off _again_ and he was starting to feel awful for it but he was too desperate to get his point across.

“What’s there to consider? Do you really need two questionable relationships in your life?!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Loki’s head snapped around to look at him and Thor could sense that he had made a fatal mistake by bringing En Dwi into this. But it was too late. 

“I just…it kind of sounds like your agent has a lot of control over you,” Thor tried to justify himself.

“So what?! He’s my agent, of course, I listen to him when he says something! He’s the reason I got this far in the first place. Honestly? I thought you’d understand after I told you what all of this means to me. But once more, you prove that you don’t have a clue about anything. Just- stop the car, Thor. Let me out.”

“But Loki-“

“No. Let me out.”

It was the worst place. They were at an intersection the traffic was busy and they were in the middle of the road.

“I’ll drop you off in a second, just…” Thor waited for the traffic light to change. Loki was slipping away from him once more and there was nothing he could do about it. “Just please don’t go see Thanos. Not out of spite towards me, or out of some self-destructive urge. Don’t do it. And- and I don’t think we’re past mending. We can work things out. Friendships can come in many forms. Or we can go for a session again if we get to talk some things through. And if you need someone I’ll be there for you. I’ll just be there, no questions asked. I just want you to know that.”

At this point, Thor was just rambling and he wasn’t sure if Loki was even listening to him. They had crossed the intersection and Thor had stopped the car by the side of the road, looking over at Loki worriedly. He had rebuilt his façade since last night, but what Thor had seen yesterday, was how truly distraught Loki was by the loss of the Versace job. The next few days, while the show was happening without him, would be hard on him.

“I’ll give you an insider tip,” Loki said, his voice sharp as broken ice. „You should be glad that the opportunity to get rid of me arises so quickly and naturally. You might not realize it yet, but you are better off without me intruding into your life. Just thank your lucky star and move on,” Loki had opened the door and was about to climb out of the car, but Thor reached for his wrist to stop him.

Loki froze and Thor instantly withdrew his hand.

“Don’t tell me what I’m supposed to be feeling Loki,” Thor said, and Loki looked down at him from where he was standing next to the car. “I’ll call you tomorrow to check in on you. Don’t pick up if you want me to back off, I’ll get the hint. But before that, ask yourself what you really want. And why.”

“Yeah, you already told me to do that. Just…ugh.” 

Loki seemed to have no witty comeback to any of the things Thor had said. He just slammed the door shut with force and Thor had to watch helplessly as he walked away, just like the last time.

~

“No Sif…I’m not in love,” Thor took a gulp of beer from the bottle. He was sitting next to his best friend on a wobbly garden chair, on the rooftop of her apartment building, watching the sun go down over the city. “I just care for him. I don’t think he has much of anybody out there…save for his agent but I’m getting weird vibes off of him. He doesn’t let him eat fruit because it has sugar in it. That’s weird. Please tell me it’s weird.”

“Careful Thor, your protective streak is showing,” Sif chuckled and lightly kicked his leg. Then she sighed and leaned back. 

“But you’re right. It does sound odd. And along with the other things you’ve told me, Loki might really be in a bad place…but if he wants to stay there, that’s on him. You’ve gotta think, what would happen if he had to give up all the things you believe to be bad? You need to realize what all this means to him. Let’s just ignore the fact that he doesn’t seem ready for that in the first place. What would happen if he really did give up all the things you disapprove of?”

“I guess he’d be sober and rid of a shitty agent?” Thor rubbed a hand over his face because Sif’s silence meant that this was absolutely not the answer she wanted.

“Or…well he would probably lose a lot of what he’s worked for. I can’t imagine he’d be able to keep the same level of success. And that stuff is…it’s not just a job for him. He doesn’t even speak to his family anymore. He would risk losing everything he has going on for himself.”

“Hm. Makes sense to get protective of your weird agent and your drugs, if you view it like that, huh?”

“I suppose,” Thor admitted quietly. “It just makes me so sad. And angry too.”

“Yeah. It’s fucked up. But you’ve gotta be realistic. If your moral code isn’t compatible with the moral code of the entire rest of his world, don’t be disappointed if he doesn’t choose you.”

Thor stared into the sun, making his eyes hurt. It was slipping away, every second a little more of it was past the horizon until all that was left was a sliver of glowing red, that disappeared within the next breath. 

But the sun’s light still warmly illuminated the city and the air had not yet cooled down around them.

“Call me stupid all you want, but I think there’s still room for hope.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Loki doesn't appreciate anyone questioning his lifestyle apparently. Unfortunately, there's a lot of Thor to question. 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, I'd love to hear your thoughts!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is darker in nature than the others, please mind the archive warnings and the added tags!

Loki should have known better in more ways than one. He should know that weed was always a gamble and that sometimes it just amplified his mood, making melancholia and fear turn into soul-crushing sadness and all-consuming paranoia.

It did dull the pain, just like he had hoped it would, but it also made him careless. 

He had already dialled Thor’s number. One push of a button and he would connect to him and hear his voice, warm and soft on the other side of the line. And if he asked him to come over, he knew that Thor would be there, even if it was the middle of the night right now.

There were many reasons why he shouldn’t call him though. But as time progressed, Loki didn’t seem to be able to remember any of them. 

The only thing holding him back now was the undefined yet unshakable knowledge, that if he pressed that button now, he would never be able to get out of this again. Not without leaving a piece of himself behind at least, and he couldn’t afford to lose any more pieces along the way.

He was so incomplete already. 

Thor was going to scold him for being so stupid. Loki shifted and let out a soft ‘oh’ as the dull pain rolled through his body. How did he end up like this? Just this morning he thought that he was going to get through this unscathed.

~

Loki had gotten up at five am, he had gone running and finished his yoga routine. His breakfast had consisted of half a slice of dark rye bread with avocado, raspberries and an assortment of vegetables and he knew that En Dwi would have been proud of him for sticking to the routine. He had made himself a kale shake because he hated kale and sometimes it felt like he was doing better if he wasn’t enjoying himself. Like that was an indicator for his progress.

And two days ago, when Thor called, he had let the phone ring. It was ringing for almost a minute before Thor finally gave up and every second of it had been torturous, like something painful and disgusting had actually started to grow within his chest, a living thing that physically squeezed his heart, tighter and tighter with every piercing ring - and then the phone went quiet and the creature let go all at once and Loki knew that he had won. It was over now, he was free.

Looking back at it in the morning of a bright new day, Loki realized just how closely he had avoided a disaster that day. Everything would have fallen apart. But he had been strong, resisted temptation and he was proud of himself for it.

Now he had everything under control. Today he would go to have a facial and then go swimming in the afternoon and later on he might go shopping. And Loki told himself that he had a great day ahead of him, but the truth was that he felt lost without being under pressure, like a deep-sea fish that was brought to the surface too quickly.

En Dwi would have made sure to keep him busy…but of course he was gone. 

_‘Loki sweetheart, darling. I know how hard this must be for you. But you must realize that I need to go, right? I can’t just stay home with you sulking. This is my job. And who knows, maybe I’ll secure a new deal for you? How does that sound, dear?’_

Loki had agreed, even though he knew that En Dwi had already made a decision and his agent had taken the flight to Paris, that they were meant to be on together, leaving Loki behind.

But when Loki had emptied half his smoothie, while scrolling through Instagram, he saw something that made his optimism for the day crumble apart within seconds.

The picture he saw, was of En Dwi, smiling brightly while next to a young girl. She was beautiful. Large dark eyes, almost black, and full lips, freckles that stood out against her honeyed skin and copper hair that fell in small curls over her shoulders.

She had everything people wanted these days, Loki knew. She was perfect enough to meet all the standards for conventional beauty but at the same time those trademark freckles all over her face, this unusual array of colours, would make her instantly recognizable.

These days, modelling was about creating a brand. If you wanted to stay relevant for longer than a few years, you needed to be memorable and unique. Someone that people would recognize and that designers want to be associated with. You needed to be more than just a pretty face- but a pretty face still mattered a great deal.

_Once in a lifetime kind of talent at the #Givenchy show in Paris, with #MorganBrooks!_

Loki was petrified. His mouth grew dry. The mix of dark rye and kale threatened to make its way back out of Loki’s mouth, pushing up sourly against the back of his throat but he swallowed it back down.

What did En Dwi mean by that? He used to tell Loki that he was the most talented person he had ever met. He never failed to remind Loki, whenever he was becoming doubtful or frustrated or homesick. And yet En Dwi had written once in a lifetime, implying that Loki had been surpassed. By someone younger and better than himself.

His ears were ringing as he selected En Dwi’s profile only to see that among the pictures he had posted, there were three more pictures he took with that Morgan Brooks person. Three. En Dwi had never posted three pictures of himself with one person in a single day, not even with Loki. He said it made him look stupid.

And each photo came with more praise for her.

In the last picture, they sat together at what looked like a bar, each one of them with a glass of champagne in their hands and the caption read.

_To the beginning of a wonderful friendship with #MorganBrooks. Dream team!_

The air around him seemed to grow thin like he was at the top of a very high mountain. No matter how quickly he seemed to breathe, no oxygen reached his lungs.

This was the end. He had tried to tell himself that the setback he had experienced was only something minor and that he would move past it, like he always had. En Dwi would secure a new deal for him and everyone would forget the embarrassing incident. But he had been wrong about that, En Dwi was clearly busier trying to get a promising young model to sign a contract for his agency, rather than promoting Loki right now.

He was a sinking star. And he had no illusion, En Dwi’s affection and care weren’t unconditional. Once Loki’s career halted, En Dwi would look forward, rather than to stay stuck in the past. And Morgan Brooks seemed to be the future. 

Oh god.

Loki was falling, he was burning from the inside out with electricity scorching his veins, he couldn’t stand this, he couldn’t, he needed to crawl out of his own skin and become someone else, he needed to get away from _feeling like this_.

The line of coke didn’t help at all with making him feel any less terrible, but years of usage had conditioned his body to relax and to calm down as it anticipated the effects of the drug. It took off the most acute edge. He no longer felt like he was seconds away from dying anymore, even as his heart still hammered wildly in his chest and his thoughts were racing at a hundred miles per hour, making him dizzy and sick.

No, he needed something better than coke, he knew that. Something so strong and all-consuming that it wouldn’t leave room in Loki’s head to remember even one of the awful things that were eating him up alive right now.

Something like Thor. But he remembered how great that had worked out last time and he knew that it was not an option. Thor would baby him, scold him for being high and then give him shit for being so fucking dependant on En Dwi. All while giving him none of the things he actually needed right now.

His appointment with Thanos wasn’t until the end of next week. And despite Thor’s warning, he had not cancelled it yet. To be honest, the idea of someone so ruthless was oddly appealing to a dark part of Loki’s psyche. Unlike Thor, Thanos would not hesitate to take control and to make Loki feel, something, anything else than what he was feeling right now.

With shaky fingers he sent a message to Thanos, asking for the next possible appointment and then waited anxiously for a response while looking through En Dwi’s pictures over and over again. 

He sent a message to En Dwi too but didn’t get an answer either.

His thoughts were spiraling downwards during the time he spent waiting and while the message he had sent to Thanos has been read twenty minutes after he sent it, it wasn’t until two hours later that he finally got a reply. En Dwi meanwhile still hadn’t found the time to get back to Loki.

_Fine. Get here in three hours. Come prepared._

_I’ll be there_ , Loki replied. _Thank you._

~

The address Thanos had given him, was a bit out of town, a small house in the more secluded suburbs, rather than an easily accessible apartment like Thor’s studio. And somehow that fact almost made Loki chicken out. He had given the address to colleague he trusted, just like he had when he had visited Thor, but this house still stirred undefined anxiety awake within him.

The windows were all closed, so there was no way to see inside and there were two lions made of stone, guarding the door, both covered in a sickly green layer of moss. 

But Loki couldn’t turn around and return to his flat now. He was going to see this through, he knew that the moment he had texted Thanos. 

Loki watched his hand-shoed hand reach out to ring the doorbell and listened to the shrill ringing that came from within the house in reply. Mere seconds after that jarring sound had faded into silence, the door was opened by a young woman, dressed in a black leather corsage, that went with dangerously tight black jeans. And if that get-up wasn’t enough of an indicator, the heavy collar around her slim neck sent a very unmistakable message. 

“I am Loki Laufeyson, I have been in contact with Thanos,” Loki introduced himself, offering the young woman a polite, well-practiced smile. Her own expression remained unchanged, her lips briefly twitched but the movement was gone before Loki could determine, whether she had wanted to smile back or answer him.

She did neither. Wordlessly she turned around and walked through the corridor, quietly expecting Loki to follow, which he did. He closed the door behind himself, thus shutting out the only source of daylight in the house.

While Thor’s studio, had this cute little space before the actual playroom, that tried so hard to be normal, there was nothing of the like here. The floors were made of dark wood, the walls were painted a bleak dark purple, while the windows were barricaded with metal plates, to keep curious neighbours from catching a glimpse inside. But it wasn’t before they reached the basement, that Loki was truly starting to feel claustrophobic. 

The air grew heavier around them and even though the upstairs floor had been just as devoid of sunlight as the basement, the lights seemed to grow sharper as they descended, making dark shadows follow them on their way downstairs.

By the time they got to a dark wooden door Loki’s heart was hammering in his chest and Loki was aroused and downright scared in equal measures. This was the real deal. Not the whimsical, feel-good, pseudo-BDSM Thor had been doing. 

“Undress,” The woman told him, her voice hard and cold, as she waited in front of the door. “In his presence, you should only ever wear, what he has given you, or nothing at all.”

Loki didn’t reply, he feared that his words would get stuck in his throat, and then the panic would truly overcome him. He simply took off his clothes, tolerating the woman’s dispassionate gaze upon his body. 

A memory stirred within him when En Dwi had brought him for a casting and the client demanded he take off his clothes. He was scared and ashamed back then, at being stared at fully exposed. Touched even. But it was just the way it was sometimes, En Dwi explained to him. Sometimes you just had to swallow down your pride and your goddamn ego, to get where you wanted to be. 

Oh, he’d done quite a bit of swallowing down, literally and figuratively, before he made it to where he was now. 

Only to have it all crumble away beneath his feet- the thought made his throat constrict but he was practiced to not let it show. He took off his underwear as well and straightened up once more to look at the woman, lifting a brow.

She took another moment to look him over and then nodded her head. “That will do. I think he’ll like you,” She told Loki. And it made something tiny and warm flutter alive in Loki’s chest, amidst all the fear. And then she finally opened the door but before he could take the time to look around, he was pushed inside, and the door was closed once more behind him.

The audible click, as the door was shut made panic spike within Loki. If he were to try to open the door now, would it even open?

There was no time to find out. 

A movement drew his attention and when his head whipped around, he was looking right at Thanos, whose cold and unreadable gaze was already resting on him. He was radiating a power, one that Loki had rarely experienced. Thor too had an aura of dominance and power surrounding him, but while he tried to downplay it and appear less intimidating, at least outside of his sessions, Thanos seemed to be fully aware of his effect on others and seemed to boast it with prideful confidence.

He was sitting on a god damned throne for fucks sake. And it only took a split second for Loki to realize what that meant and what was expected of him. He sank down on his knees gracefully, hands behind his back, just like Thor had seemed to like it as well and before he turned his gaze towards the floor, he caught a flash of the grin that was starting to spread on Thanos’ face.

“Oh, look what we’ve got here. He’s already got some manners. And he’s very beautiful too,” Thanos said. His voice was low and strong and just the tone of it made a shudder run through Loki’s naked form, while the praise made his cheeks heat up. Loki briefly glanced up and calculated in his head, what kind of reaction the man might anticipate. 

He surely wanted a title. He was sitting on a throne; this was clearly an ego trip for him. And sir was most likely not enough for a man, who chose to present himself like that. So, master, it was.

“Thank you, master,” Loki said softly, and just as he had anticipated, Thanos seemed to be very pleased. 

“Looks like I can save myself the tedious work of beating the basics into you,” Loki watched as Thanos got up. Unlike Thor, who kept his equipment stored away in different cabinets, Thanos kept all of it on display. The walls were covered in hooks holding gags, floggers, collars, cuffs…while the toys were placed on shelves, attached directly to the wall to make them easily accessible. 

“Have you been bad? Have you come here because you need to be punished? You seemed pretty desperate,” Thanos asked Loki, as he stepped behind him, his gaze was burning on Loki’s wiry back and he shifted uncomfortably on the too hard floor.

“I wasn’t exactly bad,” Loki said truthfully and swallowed heavily against the lump in his throat. “But I fear, I wasn’t good enough either.”

“That would be unsurprising. You look like the kind of disappointing slut, who does well enough to get someone’s hopes up but could never actually get it right,” A small sob unexpectedly freed itself out of Loki’s throat, at the verbal abuse. Fuck. He bit down on his lower lip and squeezed his eyes shut. Not yet. He couldn’t just crack open as easily as that. But Thanos insisted. “Is that it? Answer me, slut.”

“Yes,” Loki admitted, his voice heavy and tense with the tears he was trying to hold back.

Out of nowhere, he received a smack on the back of his head, more shocking in how surprising it was, than it actually being painful. Loki turned his head in confusion to look at Thanos, who was looking at him coldly. It took a moment to guess his mistake.

“Yes, master,” Loki tried again and that seemed to be it, because Thanos went on talking afterward.

“You know why most people get here?”

“No, master.”

“Because they don’t get what they deserve anywhere else. They’re being let off the hook easily, get coddled and spoiled, they’re constantly being told that it’s okay, that they’re good enough, even if that isn’t the case and that’s how true penance and thus true forgiveness is forever out of reach. But I’ll show you your place and I’ll make you truly sorry,” Thanos ended his brief monologue by lifting up Loki’s chin with one large finger, making Loki look up at him fearfully. “Do you understand?”

“Yes, master.”

“That’s what I wanted to hear,” Thanos said, as he gripped Loki’s jaw to force his lips open and put two rough, large fingers inside to explore the tender inside of his mouth, pushing down his tongue and reaching down further back into his throat. 

Loki’s hands flew up from behind his back to intuitively get rid of the intrusion, and it seemed successful because Thanos suddenly removed his fingers. But in the same moment, Thanos lifted his hand and slapped him _hard_. 

Thor was strong but he also held back. This slap made Loki’s entire head whip around, leaving him to gasp in surprise and pain. He could practically feel the imprint of Thanos’ palm burning red on his face like a mark.

“If you can’t be good on your own, I’ll have to help you with that,” Thanos had picked a pair of handcuffs from the wall and used them to fasten Loki’s wrists together behind his back. Then he pushed Loki over just out of cruelty, watching as he hit the floor, without a way to catch his fall. And with a cold smile on his face, Thanos made his way over to his throne on the other side of the room. 

“Come here,” Thanos said and Loki watched, from where he was lying on the floor, as he freed his cock from his pants. 

He apparently wasn’t following the same no-sex rule Thor had put on himself and Loki wasn’t sure what to think of it. In fact, he wasn’t thinking about much at all. It was just like he had hoped, all thought had been drained from his head, leaving him completely safe from the overwhelming fear of a precarious future. All he had to worry about now was the present and that gave him plenty to busy himself with. 

For example, whether he should obey or not.

But Thanos had him on track right away and Loki didn’t feel much like testing the man’s boundaries right about now. The pain in his cheek still hadn’t faded, serving as a reminder for him, to do what he was told.

Loki had to struggle to get back up on his knees, without the use of his hands and then stood up, to walk over to Thanos and kneel back down, between his thick thighs. And suddenly he wasn’t quite sure about any of this anymore. 

Thanos’ dick was big and right in his face and it was glaringly obvious what he would be expected to do. And unlike Thor, Thanos didn’t seem to take no for an answer. He wouldn’t simply take a break and figure out their boundaries- which made the game so much more exciting, the fantasy so much more complete. But at the same time, it was starting to get genuinely scary. He was genuinely at Thanos’ mercy, rather than just pretending to be. 

Loki’s chest constricted, he struggled against the cuffs linking his wrists together, but of course, it made no difference. Loki leaned away and looked up at Thanos doubtfully, his lips parted but he didn’t say anything, unsure as to how to formulate his sudden tentativeness.

But the man either didn’t notice the inner turmoil, happening within Loki or didn’t care, because he wasted no time, gripping Loki’s skull with two hands to push his cock past Loki’s open lips and into the wet, tender heat of his mouth. The taste of it flooded his tongue and he moaned around the intrusion, whether in surprise, disgust or pleasure, Loki wasn’t actually able to determine.

Everything was starting to become so messy. All the clear lines were blurring together, and Loki was caught up in the chaos. 

It wasn’t much of a blowjob at all, much rather Loki was just used like a fleshlight, while Thanos’ grotesquely large hands squeezed his skull with unnecessary force until it was starting to hurt. A metal vice was being tightened around his head and it was going to crack, the pressure was building up on his brain and he wanted to twist away but he couldn’t. 

The pain got so bad, that Loki tried to shout, but it came out as a muffled cry and the vibrations only seemed to make the experience more pleasurable to Thanos, who moaned heavily above him.

“That’s what you wanted, huh? To be on your knees with a fat cock pushing down your throat. You look good like that…” One of Thanos‘ hands moved away from Loki’s head, to wipe away the tears streaming down his cheeks, while the other moved to the back of his skull, to keep control of the rhythm. “Better than you do on all those other photos of you. Maybe this is your true calling. Being nothing but a cumslut just for me.”

Thanos pushed Loki’s head further down towards his crotch and while before it had been uncomfortable, this particular thrust triggered Loki’s gag reflex so violently, that his throat constricted suddenly, giving Loki the vivid sensation of drowning while being on solid ground. His nostrils flared but no air would reach his lungs, Thanos simply wouldn’t let go. And out of desperation, Loki bit down on the cock that forcefully intruded his throat. 

Not hard. Not enough to draw blood, or to do worse damage, but it was definitely enough to make Thanos let go of him and push Loki away, with such might, that on impact with the wooden floor, the shred of air he had managed to suck in the moment Thanos pulled out of his mouth, was pushed right back out, leaving him to gasp and wheeze helplessly, flailing on the ground.

Before Loki could recover, Thanos was above him, one knee planted on his chest, thick like a young tree. A hand wrapped around Loki’s tender throat, large enough to almost fully encircle it. And it was tightening, tightening, until Loki’s eyes were threatening to pop out of his skull, with how much he strained to breathe. 

“You little slut,” Thanos snarled, his face distorted with sudden anger. But it was dissolving in front of Loki’s eyes and Loki struggled to focus. His vision was flickering, then went black for a few seconds. But he could still hear his voice, so loud and grating in his aching head. “You fucking take it! Whatever it is I give you, you always fucking take it. You want to disobey me? Good. I’ll show you what happens if you disobey. Let that be a lesson for you.”

~

Time moved weirdly then. Loki was sure that the punishment would never end, there would always be more pain forced onto him but at one point, Thanos was done and he left the room, leaving Loki on the floor, wheezing and drunk on agony.

From that point on, everything seemed to only happen in flashes and broken fragments.

In one moment, Loki was struggling to get up, while his vision flickered on and off and his ears were still filled by a metallic ringing.

In the next, he was closing the buttons on his shirt with shaky fingers and a second later, he was in a cab, awkwardly leaning to the side, to not put too much weight on his ass. 

He blinked and suddenly he was in the shower of his apartment, with cold water raining down on him.

Then he was in bed, lying on his stomach, crying soundlessly for an undefined amount of time. 

And in the next flash of memory, his face was still wet with tears but a joint had appeared out of nowhere in his hands and he had propped himself up to smoke, just waiting for the drug to take effect.

It got better at first. The pain faded away and his spirits seemed to lift too but then it took a turn for the worse. He was so sad all of a sudden. All hope and all warmth drained from him, all while anxious thoughts culminated into a full-blown panic. 

Everything was over for him. En Dwi would lose interest in him. He already had. And then his career would be over. And no one would love him anymore and no one would remember him- and what even would be the point of anything then? 

Wouldn’t it be more graceful to just take his exit, while people still cared for him, rather than pitifully withering away, with no one there to even notice?

His thoughts moved in useless damning circles, never changing in nature, or coming to any kind of result, they only grew darker and darker until Loki was drowning in black tar and the struggle to stay up became more and more futile.

At one point, remembering Thor’s offer from a few days ago, Loki picked up his phone and opened his contact, only to stare at the blindingly bright screen for minutes. But he was still undecided.

Thor would be angry with him for choosing to see Thanos. And for being high. Or worse yet, he would be kind and understanding, unknowingly breaking Loki in a completely new way, perhaps irreparably. 

And then when it came to picking up the pieces, he would become tired and exhausted from Loki and leave him to complete the task on his own. 

But then again, what of it? Perhaps a final push was exactly what he needed. Whatever this purgatory was, that he had found himself in this night, it either had to get better or worse- Loki didn’t care much for what option it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And of course the moment Thanos gets thrown into the mix, things can't end well- or can they? I hope you liked reading from Loki's perspective for once! I look forward to hearing your thoughts and opinions!


	8. Chapter 8

It was two in the morning when Thor’s phone rang. The shrill sound startled him so badly, that he almost fell out of bed. He cursed to himself as he struggled to sit up and blindly searched for his phone on the nightstand. If this was Fandral, asking to be picked up from some shitty night club again he would- but as he blinked at the glaringly bright screen, he realized, that it wasn’t Fandral at all. This was Loki’s number.

And suddenly, he was wide awake.

“Hey Loki,” Thor said, as he answered the phone, pressing the screen tightly to his ear as if he might be able to physically hold on to Loki and not let him slip away like so often. “What’s up?”

“Hey Thor,” Loki sounded quiet and raw. The line was quiet then, Thor could only hear wet, heavy breathing from the other side of the line.

“So…what’s up?” Thor tried again while running his fingers through his tousled hair.

“Nothing. I just couldn’t sleep. Did I wake you up?”

“No- well yes. But it’s alright. How are you?”

“I’m okay. I was just wondering, there’s this movie and I thought maybe we could watch it together…”

“You want me to come over?”

“You don’t have to. It was just an idea.”

“No. It’s okay, I’ll be over in…half an hour?” Thor said while blinking at his alarm clock. 2:17 in the morning. But he wasn’t all that upset by being woken up at this ungodly hour- not if it was Loki.

“Only if you want to. You really don’t have to.”

Thor wasn’t sure whether it was just his protective streak all over again, but Loki sounded off. Seriously off. And it wasn’t like him to reach out for help, much less in the middle of the night, if there wasn’t something wrong. So, Thor’s choice was already made, even before Loki asked. Damn, if Loki hadn’t suggested that he come over, Thor would have offered it on his own.

“Half an hour Loki. Get the movie ready, alright?”

“Alright.”

And then Loki just hung up.

~

By the time Thor had made it to Loki’s apartment, twenty-four minutes had passed. He was still wearing his pajamas, that were just old jogging pants and a shirt, so he didn’t think much of it. His hair was pulled up in a messy bun, just so he wouldn’t have to take the time to comb through it.

When he rang the doorbell at the front door, the buzzer opened for him within seconds, letting him enter a large entry hall, with a pattern of different coloured marble tiles on the floor and abstract artwork on the walls. It felt like he was entering a hotel lobby, rather than an apartment building.

He crossed the hall and pressed a gold-coloured button to get one of the elevators but after a few seconds of waiting, he grew impatient and decided to take the stairs instead, always taking two steps at a time. Finally, slightly out of breath he stood in front of Loki’s apartment door.

It was closed. Ice water trickled down his back. Thor lifted his hand to knock, undefined panic rising in his throat. He couldn’t be late. He got here so quickly.

“The door’s unlocked. Come on in.”

It was Loki, his voice muffled from within the apartment, and really when Thor pressed lightly against the door, it gave in and he stepped inside.

It was dark and cool in the apartment, the night air was coming in through open windows but the smell of weed still clung to the rooms. There was no light, except for the glow of the street lanterns from outside and it was just enough to see the vague outline of the room and the furniture within it.

Thor’s eyes only got used to the darkness slowly, after the strong lights from the corridor, so when he reached the living room he almost stumbled over Loki, who was lying on the floor on a blanket, propped up on his elbows. His pale face seemed to be floating in the darkness, while his black hair and dark clothing easily blended in with the room’s deep shadows. The gaunt features were eerily illuminated by the light coming from the TV. Thor’s heart skipped a beat in terror, before continuing to beat at twice its regular speed.

Fuck. It was no ghost, it was just plain old Loki, being weird.

“Jesus, Loki what are you doing on the floor?” Thor had backed away a step, holding one hand over his chest, to soothe his racing heart. If he hadn’t been fully awake before, now he definitely was. And apparently, that must be amusing to Loki, because the tiniest smile made his lips twitch, as he looked up at Thor.

“Hey Thor. Well, I just found it comfortable,” He explained, giving a small shrug. “So anyway, there’s this new James Bond movie, I haven’t seen it yet and I was thinking it might be something you liked,” Loki turned away from Thor again and fumbled around with the remote, removing the batteries and putting them back in again, just to keep his hands busy.

Something wasn’t right. And of course, that wasn’t much of a surprise, no one who was doing perfectly fine would call an almost-stranger in the middle of the night to hang out and watch a movie. But something about Loki lying there, on his stomach, staring intently down at the remote while prying the batteries out of it, then popping them back in, prying them out-

“Loki. Why are you on the floor?”

“I already told you.”

“No. You didn’t tell me anything, you just came up with a shitty excuse and then tried to change the topic. What the hell is going on?”

In response, Loki chuckled nervously and as he removed the remote’s batteries once more, one of them fell down and rolled under the couch. It was just a small mishap, but it made Loki’s tense laughter turn into quiet little sobs. The difference was almost unnoticeable at first but then Loki’s arms gave in beneath him and he just slumped down on his stomach, hiding his face in the pillow, while his body shook like an earthquake.

Thor crouched down beside him and tentatively reached out to touch Loki’s shoulder. And when that didn’t make the younger startle, he began to rub his back in slow circles.

“Hey…I’m here, you’re alright,” He spoke soothingly but that only made Loki sob louder into his pillow. It was heart-breaking to see Loki like this. He was such a proud person, so elegant, perfect even at first glance. And now he was reduced to a miserable mess, lying on the floor in darkness, all alone. How long had he been here like this before Thor got here? “It’s okay to cry. Just let it out. I’m not going anywhere.”

Beneath his palms, he could feel Loki’s body tremble and shake, his chest falling and rising with the rhythm of his sobs and despite the nature of their relationship and what Thor had put him through, it was the most vulnerable he had ever seen him. The fact that Loki wasn’t even trying to get control over his sobs, told him a lot, about how far down Loki truly was.

It took a long time, in which Thor just sat next to him in the darkness, gently stroking his back, running his fingers through his hair at times, until Loki’s sobs died down, the quivering mass of Loki’s body turning calm and quiet beneath his touch, except for the slow up and down of his chest with every wet breath he took.

“Come on Loki, sit up,” Thor said gently, removing his hand from Loki’s back. But the other didn’t move. He stayed flat on the floor.

“Loki please, I want to talk to you-“

“I can’t,” Loki pressed out the words, it was an effort for him to speak, without starting to cry all over again.

But those two words were already enough to make an uneasy chill crawl up Thor’s spine. “Why not?” He asked quietly and the moment the question was past his lips, he was already dreading the answer.

The ghostly illuminated room stayed quiet for a while and just as Thor was about to tell Loki that it was okay, that he didn’t need to say anything, he started speaking. Quiet and awkward, like the right words weren’t coming to him with the same ease they usually did. But the longer Thor listened the more he understood why Loki was so derailed.

“I just…you must know today was really quite…well never mind. It was just that I was having a little bit of a…a need for some distraction I suppose. And I wasn’t sure what to do. And admittedly, it was a stupid idea, and I shouldn’t have…but I am stupid like that sometimes. And I know you will get mad, so maybe I shouldn’t…”

“No, I won’t get mad,” Thor promised quickly, intent on getting Loki to go on. Which he did, making Thor realized how naïve it had been of him to make this promise so quickly.

“I went to see Thanos. And it didn’t go quite so well, because I suppose sitting will not be an option for a little while which is…I guess I only have myself to blame, it’s not like you didn’t warn me. So, forget what I have been saying, it is really just…just an inconvenience, that is my own responsibility.”

Thor had to take a moment, because just the mention of Thanos’ name was enough to make his blood boil. And yes. He was angry at Loki too, for being so fucking stupid, for caring so little about himself that he went to see the person, Thor had explicitly warned him about, for not picking up his phone when Thor had called, for letting himself get hurt like that…

But that wasn’t the point. Loki was vulnerable now and he had called him because he trusted Thor to be there for him and to help him, not to get angry about the fact that Loki was hurt. Fuck. He was hurt. Probably quite badly so.

“Loki, what did he do?” Thor asked, forcing his voice to remain steady.

“Well, he did spank me. As a punishment…but it still seemed a little excessive,” Loki’s voice was shaky and broke every now and again, giving his eloquent phrasing something comically and simultaneously incredibly sad, rather than the cool and detached tone Loki was probably aiming for.

“Let me see,” Thor asked quietly.

“You want to see my ass?” A broken little laugh spilled from Loki’s lips. “What for? It’s bruised. What are you going to do about it?”

“Please just let me have a look,” Thor’s tone turned into pleading now. The thought that Loki was hiding something from him, that he might need help and Thor just sat next to him, completely oblivious made him uneasy. He had a vague idea of what Thanos was capable of. And he knew that Loki made it a point not to show weakness, to keep his façade up, no matter the cost.

But this time around, Loki was so worn down that he agreed with a nod and a broken little sound, coming from the back of his throat.

Thor got up to turn on the lights, making Loki wince and hide his face away in the pillows he had put down in front of him.

“Sorry,” Thor mumbled, as he knelt back down next to Loki and ran his hand over his back soothingly. Then Thor carefully pulled the blanket away, that Loki had covered himself with and then pushed down his sweatpants together with his underwear. It wouldn’t go at first, so he tugged a little harder, which drew a muffled scream from Loki.

At first, Thor didn’t understand but as he looked down on his buttocks, he realized with horror that the fabric of Loki’s underwear had clung to two spots, at which the skin had broken. Fresh blood rose to the surface in these places, shimmering in tiniest droplets in the light.

Fuck. That was bad.

Loki’s butt was a scarlet red, raised welts covered the flesh in a cruel criss-cross pattern and at some points, so much force had been applied, that the skin had burst, leaving shallow yet painful wounds that were almost black with crusted blood. At some points, the bruises had already begun to form but Thor knew that it wouldn’t be until tomorrow, or the day after, that Loki’s skin would bloom a shocking, purplish-black.

Years of experience taught him that this was going to bruise badly, even if it didn’t look like that way yet.

“Oh my god…Loki what the fuck did he do?” Thor was too shocked to even be angry, his fingers hovered over the abused flesh, but he didn’t dare to touch, lest he cause Loki more pain.

“Thirty with the paddle, twenty with the crop, ten with the cane,” Loki recited, and another nervous chuckle erupted from him. “It was a punishment. I had it coming.”

“Fuck no…Loki what the fuck. No,” Thor was at a loss of words, just staring down at the bloodied mess of Loki’s behind. “Didn’t you tell him that you don’t want to be marked? Like you told me?”

“Well…yes, I did. But most of my shoots aren’t nude. I usually have my ass covered, so my reasoning doesn’t really work for that.”

“You don’t need reasoning!” Thor’s voice grew louder, but he couldn’t help it. He was angry but not at Loki. It was Thanos, who made rage crackle in his veins and get to his head. “If you say you don’t want something, you don’t want it. End of discussion. He should have never…never. And especially not like this. This needs to be discussed prior. Fuck. We need to get some ice on this…to prevent the worst bruising. And to clean the wounds. Where do you keep your first aid kit?”

“In the bathroom. In the cabinet behind the mirror,” Loki answered, and he sounded so meek and broken that Thor regretted the way he had raised his voice immediately.

“I’m sorry. This isn’t about you okay? I just can’t believe that he would do something like this. I’m not mad at you, just to set the record straight. I’ll clean those wounds and get you some ice, I’ll be right back,” Thor had already gotten up and left Loki lying on his stomach in the middle of the room.

He was hoping that he wouldn’t take long but the apartment was so much larger than he had expected.

The first door he opened lead to a small at-home gym, the next one to a bedroom, the other to an office. He finally found a bathroom and began rummaging in it, but Loki called out from the living room: “Not that one. The other one at the end of the corridor.”

So, Thor went on, and finally, he found it along with the first aid kit in it and hurried to get back to Loki, who was still lying exactly where Thor had left him.

“This place is big,” Thor said as he knelt back down beside him and opened the small suitcase to look for cotton swabs and disinfectant.

“Kind of, yes,” Loki agreed, and his voice betrayed how tense he was. Thor knew just how difficult it was for Loki to let himself be taken care of. And more reassurance probably wasn’t going to do much for him, but a compliment on the other hand…

“I like the way it's decorated. Did you do that?”

And as expected, Loki perked up and lifted his head to look at Thor over his shoulder. Something bright flickered in his heavy, red eyes.

“Yes, actually. Well, the apartment I used to live in before, I did all of that on my own. So, when I moved here, I just rearranged most of the things,” Loki explained, sounding just a tiny bit livelier than he had before.

“That’s really cool. You saw my apartment, I just kind of put furniture in and the kind of stuff that I get along the way. Maybe you should help me get on track, you know? I don’t even own a rug. Or a painting,” Thor chuckled as he soaked a cotton pad in alcohol. “This is going to sting- sorry. But I like the paintings you put on. Where did you get them?”

In reality, Thor had been so busy getting back to Loki as quickly as he could, that he had hardly paid any mind to the interior design of the rooms but he would keep talking about it for however long he could if it helped Loki relax.

“Which one do you mean? The one with the snowy landscape?” Loki asked. He still sounded so sad, his voice scratchy and leaden but something small and warm had come alive in it.

“Uh, yes,” Thor said, as he was cleaning the wounds.

“That one I got -ah fuck that burns- I got it at a small atelier in Paris. This old deaf lady painted it and ever since she lost her hearing, she only painted snow, because she said that’s how it feels like to live in silence. She’s…she’s really funny when you get to know her though. I have another one of her paintings in the second guest room.”

“I gotta take a closer look at them later,” Thor promised. “You’ve got an eye for colours and shapes though. I like how everything works together.”

“Developing a sense for fashion, always means developing a sense for atmosphere and design as well,” Loki answered quietly. He was fiddling with the remote again, this time tracing the buttons and pushing them in regular intervals.

“I guess so. Anyways it’s really cool. And I’m done here too, so I’ll just go and get some ice for you, it will keep the swelling and the bruising down,” Thor said as he got up to go to the kitchen, which luckily he could already see from the living room, thus minimizing his risk of getting lost.

“Do you want anything from the kitchen?” He called out. “Have you been eating?”

“I’ve had a big breakfast,” Loki answered and if that was meant to calm Thor, it did no such thing.

“You’ve only had one meal today?” He stared at Loki from over the kitchen counter, but he only saw him shrug. If that breakfast was anything like the one, they had had at this god awful café, it probably didn’t count for much of a meal, to begin with. “I’ll get you something. Your body needs the energy to heal if you want to get better soon.”

He didn’t get an answer, so he just looked through Loki’s cabinets and his fridge to find something good, but the only problem was, that every item of food Loki owned seemed to suck. Sure, the fresh fruit and vegetables were nice but there wasn’t much to go along with them. He found some fish and some rye bread, as well as some eggs, as the only things that weren’t fruit or vegetable.

That and some truly disgusting quinoa puffs that lacked absolutely every flavour. They weren’t even salted.

“How do you live like this?” Thor asked as he searched the cabinets for some olive oil or butter but the closest thing he found was some coconut oil stored in the fridge. It would do.

“I’m living okay as you can see,” Loki answered from the other room. His tone was defensive once more but unfortunately, his argument wasn’t particularly convincing, tonight less than ever.

Thor could only sigh.

As he put together the meal, he tried to keep the conversation up. He didn’t want Loki to be lying on the floor alone, with nothing to focus on except the pain.

“So, what about the painting in the living room? I don’t get it,” Thor said, as he cut some onions and crushed some garlic, to put it in a pan alongside with the coconut oil.

“There’s nothing to get Thor. It’s about feeling. You just look at it and it makes you feel something. Gets you to think maybe,” Loki explained, and just like when he had talked about whether or not dresses could be made a size larger, he sounded like Thor was being particularly stupid. Which was a big relief. If Loki could be a cocky, arrogant bastard, he was probably going to be okay.

Thor briefly glanced up. He could see part of the picture from here. It was a city, with large skyscrapers but he wasn’t able to name the city, or even determine if it was real or fictional. The sun shone orange above it but all the buildings were covered in vines and thorns, trees were growing in the middle of the streets and flowers bloomed on the traffic lights. He liked it.

“Hm. I guess I feel pretty calm looking at it. And kind of sad too,” Thor added the salmon to the pan and added some lemon juice as well as two slices of rye bread, to roast.

“It’s called Urban Jungle,” Loki explained. He was looking at the picture as well now. “I got it from an artist in Stockholm. If you look closer there are animals too. Predators and prey.”

Thor swallowed heavily.

“Yeah, I guess you need to be careful when walking these streets,” Thor mused, as he cracked two eggs into a small pot of boiling water to poach them. They both knew that they were talking about Thanos once more. The predator, who sought out the people who were at their weakest to take advantage of their state.

“I suppose,” Thor could barely hear Loki, over the sizzling of the pan. He turned down the heat and prepared two plates with a slice of garlic roasted bread, a piece of fish, a few slices of avocado, and one poached egg for each of them. It wasn’t the best he’d ever cooked but he had to work with what he got. He balanced both plates on one arm while carrying the cool pack in the other hand.

He returned to his spot next to Loki and carefully put both plates down in front of them, before placing the cool pack, that was wrapped in a thin dish towel over Loki’s butt. It drew a hiss, then a heavy sigh from Loki, as the cold first began to seep soothingly into his heated flesh.

“There we go. There wasn’t much, but I think it’s pretty good,” Thor explained as he set the table and the cutlery down in front of Loki, who propped himself up further on his elbows.

It was the first time that Thor got a good look at his face that night. The crimson pathway of veins in his eyes, from smoking and crying both and the purplish-blue rings beneath, were the only colours in Loki’s otherwise eggshell-white face. Even his lips barely differed in shade from the rest of his face.

He picked up the fork and hesitantly cut the fish into smaller pieces like they were easier to tackle that way.

“Come on,” Thor urged him, while he took the first bite, to be a good example. It was nice actually. And finally, Loki gave in as well and ate in small, hesitant bites, like a bird that was expecting to be chased away by a bigger and larger animal.

They ate in silence, just like the last time. Thor avoided looking at Loki’s face because it made questions bubble up insistently and now wasn’t the time for questions. They would only make Loki wary and tense, just as he had relaxed the tiniest bit.

Instead, he looked at ‘Urban Jungle’. And started thinking about the nature of man. His own nature. About how he was different from Thanos- and how they were the same. And Loki was right. That seemed to be what the picture was about, the feeling and the thoughts it roused.

By the time Thor was done eating, Loki had only finished half of what was on his plate and he pushed the food from side to side, with a discontent expression.

“I can put this in the fridge for you? For later,” Thor offered. Sure, it would feel good to make Loki finish his plate, to know that his wiry body had enough, not just to survive but to thrive and to be warm and comfortable- but it would instantly crush the tiny sapling of trust, that had begun to grow on barren land.

And Loki nodded his head, as he reached the plate to Thor.

“Thank you. It’s not that it wasn’t good, it’s just that I am not particularly hungry right now,” Loki excused himself.

“I see,” Thor nodded as he went to return both plates to the kitchen. “But you’ve got to explain one thing to me. Whenever I used to smoke weed, I used to get immensely hungry. That doesn’t happen to you?”

Loki chuckled in response.

“Well yes. What do you think why my kitchen is as empty as it is?”

Thor couldn’t help but laugh as well, a low, warm rumble in his chest, as he shook his head.

“Clever thinking, I’ve got to give you that,” And when he glanced up over the counter, he saw Loki smiling wryly.

Thor was balancing a thin line. He didn’t want to accept the things in Loki’s life, that he thought were harmful to the young man, didn’t want to come across like he was okay with the way he destroyed himself. But at the same time criticizing his habits made Loki withdraw rapidly from him- understandably so. If someone walked into Thor’s life and started to give him shit about everything he did, everything that was important to him, he probably wouldn’t like that either.

But humour seemed to be a good way to hold that balance. He was neither approving Loki’s habits nor did he lecture him about them. And sarcasm seemed to be a language that Loki understood well.

“Thanks. Believe it or not, I’m actually pretty smart.”

“I never doubted it- okay a few times I may have.”

“Fair enough,” Loki replied, his voice once more turned brittle and he sank back down to rest his head on his arm, just as Thor returned to sit next to him. The minimalist clock on the wall told Thor that it was half past three.

“Loki?” Thor tried again. There was no right time to talk about what happened- but if there ever was a time to have this conversation, three am seemed to be the best. There was just something about this time of the night when everything was silent and dark and even reality felt like it was made of a dream-like fabric. “What happened today?”

“Why do you want to know?” Loki asked, his voice sounding like he had run up a flight of stairs. Breathless. Hectic. Exhausted.

“I don’t want to know. I was just thinking that you might like to talk about it.”

Silence.

“I might not be the worst person to talk to about this. I don’t know any of the people you do. I don’t care for any of them either. I’m just a guy, with some insight on the issue,” Thor tried to explain himself while looking at the profile of Loki’s weary face. “It’s just an opportunity. I just got the feeling you don’t have a lot of people you could tell if you wanted to.”

“I just…I needed something to clear my head,” Loki began after another moment of hesitation. Thor had almost expected him to deny himself once more. But Loki was so worn down. And now in the dead of night, after a good warm meal, he gave in easily.

He told Thor how he had texted Thanos.

How he arrived at his house and how a girl opened the door for him and lead him into a basement.

A fricking basement dungeon. Geez.

And then he told Thor how he had bitten Thanos.

“It was an accident,” Loki briefly glanced over at Thor, pleading Thor to believe him. “I didn’t mean to. But obviously…well of course he couldn’t just let it slide.”

“There’s a whole lot in between letting something slide and beating someone bloody,” Thor pointed out seriously. “He should have known better. You have to build up to something like that. In terms of trust. It wasn’t your fault at all.”

Loki shrugged, looking so awfully unconvinced.

“Well, he punished me anyways. As I’ve told you. And then he fucked me.”

“He fucked you after doing _that_ to your ass?!” Thor just stared at Loki in utter disbelief. “That must have hurt like hell.”

“That was the entire point I’d say,” Loki chuckled sadly. “It wasn’t like I didn’t agree to any of that. You know the documents I gave you as well. It said that I’m okay with pain, as well as oral and anal sex.”

“It also said you weren’t okay with being marked.”

“Well yes…but he didn’t mark me anywhere where it would be seen.”

Thor frowned. Why on earth was Loki defending Thanos? He was actively making excuses for a guy he barely even knew. A guy who had severely hurt him.

“None of that was discussed in any way. He crossed multiple lines. I doubt he sat down with you and talked with you about any of this. About whether you were ready to include sex into the session,” Thor tried so hard not to get carried away. But it wasn’t easy- he would have liked to just get in the car and drive over to Thanos’ house and just punch him in the face. Hard.

There it was again. This shitty alpha male mentality. Punching Thanos wouldn’t do anything. What truly mattered was being here with Loki. And to stay there.

“I-it was all on the papers I sent him,” A tremor had crept into Loki’s voice.

“Loki? Why the hell are you defending him?” Thor asked, his voice growing quieter, as a frown drew his brows together. “He hurt you in ways you didn’t agree to. And…and honestly from what you’ve told me I think he might have raped you.”

Thor’s tone had been so gentle, but Loki suddenly flinched like he had been burnt.

“Don’t say that. He didn’t…do that,” Loki swallowed heavily. From the side, Thor could see how the tears were pooling in Loki’s eyes. They grew fuller and fuller with it before the surface tension broke and the first drop fell down his cheek. “He didn’t. I agreed beforehand. And I never told him to stop. And I bit him. And you warned me. I was just…I just…just…”

Loki trailed off brokenly, unable to put whatever reasoning he had into words.

“You think you deserved this because you played a part in this?” Thor asked.

More tears but no sound.

“Guess what? A lot of victims play a certain role in their abuse. The perfectly innocent victim with absolutely zero leverage, the one that ‘deserves’ to call what happened to them abuse- they exist only rarely. Often times it’s a hell of a lot more complicated than that. But that doesn’t mean it’s their fault. Or that they aren’t deserving of help. Or that what happened to them wasn’t deeply, entirely wrong,” Thor stayed silent for a second, waiting for Loki to say something but he didn’t.

“You’re right,” Thor began again. “What happened was…extremely dubious. Maybe factually, you did agree and maybe to some people that means that it wasn’t rape. But that’s not what matters. What matters is whether or not you felt violated.”

Loki had turned into a marble statue next to him. Even his breath had halted, his empty gaze fixed on the wall in front of him, while tears steadily leaked from his eyes.

“Did you Loki? Did it feel like you were being raped?” It was the last, small push, the question as quiet as a gust of wind. But it made Loki’s control fall apart like a house of cards.

The dam had broken, and the flood crashed down with a violent momentum after Loki had held back for so long. Thor realized that even as he had been crying before, Loki still hadn’t been able to let go entirely.

The sobs that ripped out of his throat now were of a different kind, torturous to listen to, broken sounds and drawn out wails, while Loki buried his face in his hands. But it were the words that followed that made the air in the room tremble with the pure pain that radiated off of Loki in waves.

“I-it huuurtt…it hurt so ba-baaad. I can’t- I ca-can’t take it. Oh god,” Loki sucked in breath wetly, while Thor sat next to him petrified. “A-and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t. My throat was- I couldn’t breaatheeee…I was going to dieee. He was going to kill meeee. Oh god, Thor. I can’t. Everything hurts. Everything. Please, oh my god. Why? Why can’t I just dieee…I did soo-sooo much. And I’m just…just tired. I can’t. Why did he do tha-that? Why did he hurt me? Why would he leave me?”

Thor was frozen in place for a few seconds. He hadn’t been ready to see Loki like that, crying without abandon like a hurt child. Until now everything Loki had done, had held a certain grace and beauty but the way he was crying now was just…ugly. Raw. Difficult to stand.

But it was real.

Thor reached out for Loki then, put a hand on his shoulder and Loki screamed, piercing and agonized before he returned to sobbing brokenly. But Thor kept his hand where it was, as he lied down next to Loki and gently pulled the brittle young man closer, into his arms to lie half on top of him, while Thor ran his hands over his back, up and down, over and over again, while listening to Loki’s tattered and torn speech, as agonizing as it was to hear.

He didn’t tell Loki to calm down. He didn’t shush him, didn’t tell him that it was okay. That he’d be fine.

He just let Loki cry. Heaven knew he seemed to need it.

Any attempt to get him to quiet down would have only been made to make things easier on Thor himself, rather than to truly help Loki.

But there was one thing that he did tell Loki, one that Thor urgently wanted him to know. So he repeated it over and over again.  
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo I guess Loki got help? In a way? Yay? 
> 
> I hope you liked reading, hearing about your thoughts is always the best part of uploading a new chapter :)


	9. Chapter 9

Thor had helped Loki get back to bed last night, once he had cried himself empty and could no longer keep his eyes open. When he lifted him up in his arms, Thor briefly believed that he was asleep already. Loki didn’t even move as he gently lied him down on his bed and covered him with a blanket.

But when he was about to leave the room a rough whisper reached his ears, like a chair being pushed over carpet.

“What was that?” Thor asked gently into the darkness.

“Stay.”

“I’m staying. I’ll be in the guest room next door.”

“Here.” And then a second later: “Please.”

And how could Thor deny him? He had made a promise after all. He lied down in bed next to Loki and watched his silhouette that barely stood out in the dark room.

“Just sleep. I’m not going anywhere,“ Thor assured, and the shadow gave a deep sigh.

~

A few short hours later the silver-grey light from outside woke Thor up again. And he should be tired and annoyed, he probably hadn’t gotten more than four hours of sleep that night. But on the contrary, he didn’t feel the slightest bit exhausted.

The remaining tiredness easily fell off him, when he looked over and saw Loki right next to him, still caught up in sleep. 

All the colours of the most beautiful dawn were displayed on his face at that moment. His hair black as the last remaining night, the purple and blue shadows beneath his eyes, resembling the lines in the sky, where the new light had only just begun to reach. The crying had left the rest of Loki’s face tender, rose blooming on his cheeks, the tip of his nose but most prominently his lips.

If Loki’s face was the dawn, his lips were pink as the sun rising above the horizon. 

Thor wanted to kiss him more than anything else then. He was longing for it with an intensity that took his breath away.

And it was then that a realization was dawning on Thor. Why he had so readily gotten out of bed last night. Why he felt so energized after a night that was supposed to leave him drained and exhausted. Why he has been looking at Loki’s face for five minutes now and still hasn’t grown bored. It was a simple truth, glaringly obvious even, yet it flipped his world upside down.

He loved Loki. 

Of course, Thor had been attracted to him since he saw him take off his gloves in front of his door that first time they met, but somewhere along their push and pull, between the flashes of hurt and anger, something had grown between them and Thor simply hadn’t noticed the signs, though now they appeared impossible to miss. 

Sif had been right. 

But Thor wasn’t given the time to consider just how damning that realization was. 

Loki stirred awake beside him and Thor could see how his features slack with sleep twisted into an expression of pain. It was the first thing to greet him that morning, when Loki carelessly tried to roll on his back, a decision he much regretted. 

The second thing to greet him was Thor, who reached out for him to gently help him lie on his stomach again. 

“Hey, it’s okay Loki,” Thor said soothingly, searching for Loki's eyes, that slowly filled with realization, as he remembered what had happened. Thor's hand lingered on Loki’s back for a few seconds before he withdrew. 

“How are you?“ Thor asked as he pushed himself up to sit. Why was his heart beating like that? He felt like he was caught doing something forbidden.

“I don’t know,” Loki mumbled. It would have been easy to mistake the tone in his voice as nothing but tiredness, but Thor recognized it for what it was. It was numbness. It wasn’t just the roughness and confusion that came after waking up from a dream, it was an emptiness, a cold that Thor had only rarely encountered in his life and it made him shiver.

“I’ll make us some breakfast, how about that?” Thor offered, in an attempt to do something about it.

“Do I have a choice?” Loki mumbled dispassionately. 

Thor swallowed, as he watched Loki.

“You know the answer,” Thor said softly. “You’ll always have the choice when it comes down to it. However…however, if you want me to make that choice for you now, I’ll do it.”

Loki’s eyes opened to look at Thor. The otherwise brilliant green was dulled today, and his lids were thick and swollen from crying, which just made him look so…done. But there was the tiniest glimmer of interest and curiosity, that usually brightened Loki’s eyes and Thor could just tell that even now he was carefully considering his words.

So, when Loki shut his eyes once more, Thor didn’t count it as an act of indifference but as a decision. 

_Alright. Make the choice for me. Care for me. Enjoy it while it lasts, because I won’t allow it for long._

And Thor was planning to make the most of it.

~

The thing about Loki was, Thor thought, that for most of his life he has been forced to do things. And at one point that outside control exerted over him, turned into inside control until he was his own prisoner and his own guard, simultaneously being forced to follow the rules and enforcing them.

Forcing himself to not pick up the phone when Thor called.

Forcing himself to not allow a shred of tenderness. 

Forcing himself to starve.

Maybe taking the choice from him was the wrong approach to breaking this cycle. But maybe if he had Thor to take the responsibility, he would allow himself the things he otherwise wouldn’t. After all, Thor made him do it. 

And maybe just maybe, paradoxically he’d learn what he truly wanted if Thor made a few choices for him.

~

Thor had made omelet, with some rye bread, some tea and he arranged some fruits and vegetables on a plate, for them to eat in bed. He had also gotten Loki a new cool pack to help with the pain and now they were sitting next to one another in bed for breakfast.

Just like last night, Loki ate slowly, pushing his food from side to side on his plate and cutting it up into small pieces, which made the entire process of eating painstakingly slow. 

It was then, while they were eating, in the dulled light coming in through the windows, from behind grey clouds, that Thor saw the necklace of bruises around Loki’s neck. The green and yellow spots were unmistakably finger-shaped, a phantom of Thanos' cruel grip. Once Thor noticed, the egg tasted like sand in his mouth. 

“Does it hurt?” He asked softly. “To swallow I mean. I could get you a painkiller.”

Loki put down his fork and the fingers of his free hand ghosted over his throat, where the bruises encircled his throat like a collar. One that he couldn’t take off. 

“Yes. That’s a good idea,” Loki said hoarsely. “Second bathroom. In the cabinet.”

Thor just hated the way all of Loki’s words were a monotone whisper, a mumble, or even just a breath today. He hated how his irony, his wit, and his charm had been swallowed up by the pain and the only thing it left was this apathy. He just wanted Loki to be okay again. But he wasn’t as naïve as to think, that he could simply drag Loki out of this state by the hem of his shirt. 

This would take time. And many small steps.

So, Thor went ahead and got up, to get the painkillers for Loki. This time around he was in less of a hurry and the light of day revealed more details to him as well. He actually noticed the paintings on the walls now and he briefly stopped in front of the picture of a magpie sitting on a snowy branch with a bright yellow bottle cap in its beak. 

That must have been the picture he had unknowingly talked about with Loki this night. 

He went on and noticed a stairway that went up to another floor, like Loki’s apartment wasn’t already too big for a single person. But Thor passed the stairway as well, despite his curiosity of what more Loki could possibly have up there and turned left to enter the bathroom.

The large sink was overfull with jars and bottles, containing creams, lotions, and serums. There must be dozens, all in different colours, shapes, and sizes, reminding Thor of a witch’s kitchen, full of potions. And poisons. 

His eyes were magnetically drawn to a tiny sachet of white powder next to a razor blade, both were easy to miss between the colourful array of cosmetics. Thor picked the sachet up with dread and wonder but after he had stared at it for a moment, he put it back down again. 

This was Loki’s apartment after all. Thor couldn’t enforce his rules here, no matter how much he wanted to.

So, Thor let it go and opened the cabinet in search of Loki’s painkillers. And he found them immediately, as part of a small well-sorted apothecary that contained different types of painkillers, sleeping pills, tranquilizers, all alongside supplements. Vitamin pills and ones that promised healthy nails, shiny hair, or glowing skin. 

Geez. 

Who needed all that stuff at Loki’s age?

Thor decided not to dwell on it now. He simply took the painkillers, filled a glass with water, and returned to Loki, whose plate was still as full as it had been when Thor left. Loki had lied back down, his head turned towards the window but as Thor he noticed Thor, he propped himself back up and silently reached out for the glass of water and the pills.

He took two of them at once and emptied the entire glass in one go, while Thor stood awkwardly next to the bed.

“What is it?” Loki asked once he had put the glass down. 

“Nothing. I just thought about how big your apartment is. Don’t you ever get lonely here?”

Loki sighed. Gathered the strength to string together the words necessary to answer this question. It was an answer he had given many times before already, which made it much easier for him.

“I’m around loads of people, that are all up in my space all the time. Touching my face, touching my hair…I think I can stand to have a bit of space to myself every now and again.”

“Hm, yeah. So, what’s upstairs?”

At that, the corner of Loki’s lips twitched into the world’s smallest, saddest almost-smile.

“I can show you. Just give the painkillers a moment to work.”

Thor lied back down next to Loki again and for a few minutes, they just shared the same space. 

Loki stared out of the window, perfectly motionless, while Thor was doing his best to stand the silence. But he couldn’t keep it up for long. Keeping quiet simply wasn’t among his biggest strengths.

After Thor asked Loki, if he really wasn’t going to eat more and he declined, he took the plates to the kitchen to do the dishes and to clean up from his nightly cooking session. And while he stood in the front of the sink, his phone vibrated in his pocket. 

It was Sif, asking if he wanted to meet her and the guys at the park tonight.

_I don’t think so Sif. I’m with Loki. T_

_That’s a surprise. Well, he can come too. S_

_He’s not doing so great. T_

_Oh. But maybe it’d be a good distraction. We are the coolest people in the world after all. S_

_And don’t get too caught up in playing the hero. S_

_Thanks, Sif. I’ll keep it in mind. T_

Thor smiled down at his phone. 

He couldn’t quite picture Loki among his friends, drinking beer and swapping stories. It would feel like it was going to be a bit of a culture shock. But maybe of the fun kind.

If Loki recovered a little until tonight, he’d certainly make him the offer to join. But so far there was no way to predict what state Loki was going to be in by the end of the day. 

Thor was trying to be optimistic. But with the way Loki was acting now, he was doubtful about what to expect.

Thor returned to Loki’s room, to find that the young man had already gotten up. When he walked in, he caught a flash of a pained grimace on Loki's face, as he held onto the windowsill, but the moment Loki noticed him, he schooled his expression, made it go neutral. But he couldn’t will the paleness or the tension in his body away. 

“Do you want to wait a bit longer for the painkillers to work?” Thor asked worriedly, as he took a step forward, but Loki shook his head in response.

“No, it’s okay. I‘m already much better.” Loki assured as he moved across the room, past Thor, and started walking down the corridor. Quietly expecting Thor to follow him.

And Thor did, slowly to match Loki’s pace and with his hands slightly raised to be ready the moment Loki needed help. But he didn’t. Loki stoically took one step after the other until they reached the bathroom door, where Loki stopped and turned around. 

Thor looked at him questioningly and Loki scoffed.

“If you'll excuse me for a moment,” Loki said, an underlying bite of irony in his tone even now.

Loki probably really did need to go to the bathroom. But the water from the faucet was running for a suspiciously long time and when Loki returned, his dull green eyes were unnaturally dark and he was absent-mindedly brushing his fingers over his nose.

Thor tightened his jaw and looked away. He couldn't stand to see the signs that he had missed before, so painfully obvious in front of him now. But he said nothing. Did nothing. 

This was Loki’s home. If he wanted to be high in it, Thor couldn’t do anything to stop him.

However, moving seemed to be easier for Loki, after that suspicious bathroom visit and he lead Thor up the stairs with relative ease. Only occasionally a pained little gasp came past his lips and he held the railing a little tighter before he went on.

Upstairs, once Loki had taken a few moments to recover, he took a few steps through the corridor there.

“You know, upstairs is the fun part,” He explained, and Thor felt like his voice was a little less…dead now. “I had all of this done myself, the previous owner had some boring office and a pool table or something up here.”

Loki opened a door to the left to reveal a tiled room, with a large window front that looked over the city. There were comfortable looking lounge chairs, some potted plants, and a rainforest shower, as well as a glass door that lead into a small sauna. 

Thor felt like he was in the spa area of one of the cool hotels he used to go to with his parents when he was a kid.

It even smelled the same way.

“Do you like to go to the sauna?” Loki asked as he watched Thor slowly move through the room and look around.

“Well yes, sometimes if I have the time. My gym has one, so in the winter I go there. But it’s not as nice as this one.”

“It helps me to relax. When I’m uneasy or can’t sleep…sometimes it helps,” Loki explained. “If you want to maybe you can use it some time.”

Loki let the vague offer hang in the air and Thor was too confused to come up with a proper response. Was Loki hitting on him? Was that a friendly gesture? Or just an offer that was made out of politeness and was supposed to be turned down?

Thor didn’t figure it out in time, Loki had already turned around to lead the way to the next room and Thor followed him

It was right next door and when Thor entered, he already noticed the expectant look on Loki’s face. 

It was a library. There were no visible walls at all, only large shelves, that reached to the ceiling and were filled with books. The room must be filled with hundreds of them, thin little poetry collections, and thick novels alike, lining the room. Apart from the different coloured books, there was only a desk with a chair right in front of the window. 

“You like to read?” Thor asked stupidly, as he looked around.

“I might be paid to look pretty but I’m no airhead.” 

“Well, indirectly I’m paid to look pretty too, but I’m pretty fucking stupid at times,” Thor grinned at Loki and in response, he got the tiniest flicker of a smile. He’d make more jokes about himself being stupid if that made Loki lighten up. “No for real. I’m not that big into reading, I probably don’t have the right amount of focus for that. But this place is cool. Did you read all of those books?”

“No…no unfortunately not. But a lot of them. I just get too greedy. Too many books here are still biding their time waiting to be picked up,” Loki seemed like he was thawing, the thick layer of ice he had been encased in was growing thinner and speaking was less of a pointless effort to him. He ran his fingertips over the books as he continued to speak. 

“But oftentimes I take some of the books for when I’m traveling. I fly very frequently, so I can get a lot of reading done on the plane.”

“Cool. I love what you’ve done to this place. All those things seem to fit you really well,” Thor looked at Loki, to not miss the shimmer of light fly across his face at the praise. He wasn’t disappointed. 

Loki’s face momentarily lit up and he even smiled softly. 

“You’ve asked me what makes my career worthwhile. Having this place is a pretty big part of it. And there’s something I have yet to show you. Come on, it’s just down the corridor.”

Thor walked behind Loki once more, as he dragged himself through the corridor, slow and painful until they got to another door, which Loki opened and gestured for Thor to step inside first.

At first, Thor didn’t recognize what it was. But when the lights turned on, he realized that it was a large walk-in closet, filled to the brim with clothing, bags, accessories, and shoes. In neat rows there were shirts, jackets, and pants, all sorted by colour, making it obvious which ones Loki liked best. There was a sheer endless array of green, in different shades, patterns, and fabrics as well as an ocean of black.

“Can I look around?” Thor asked and turned to look at Loki, who was still standing by the door.

“Yes of course. But be careful, a lot of those pieces are irreplaceable,” Loki must be incredibly pleased to show off like this, Thor could tell and he had to hold back a fond smile. 

It was cute, endearing even of him to give Thor this little tour, show him all the cool stuff he had. Like a magpie showing its treasures.

Not that Thor cared too much about the stuff itself. He wasn’t easily impressed by wealth. Thor's family had always been very well off and as an only child, he had been spoilt rotten for most of his life. It had taken him a while to get used to a more modest lifestyle but once he did, he saw everything more clearly. Flashy jewelry, fancy cars, and nice houses were no longer enough to blind him. He knew first hand that none of those things were necessarily an indicator of a good life. 

“I’m not that big into fashion, you already know,” Thor said as he let his eyes roam over the large array of shoes, behind a glass window. “But my mum dresses very well. She’d love to have a closet like this, but she probably wouldn’t be able to even fill half of it. She is a rather modest woman when it comes down to it.”

“Your parents live nearby?”

“Yes. Further up north, we have a cottage, right by the ocean. I moved to the city for college and then stayed here for my job. I used to visit very frequently, but…two years ago they found out what I was doing for a living. And let’s just say my dad doesn’t love it,” Thor looked up from the shoes with a sad smile. 

“I would suppose that it’s probably not a parent’s dream, is it?”

“Not exactly. My father was repulsed the moment he heard about it, but it wasn’t until he realized that my clients weren’t exclusively female, that he uninvited me from our home. But I’m still in contact with my mother. Occasionally we even meet up.”

Loki has been listening quietly, his gaze was unreadable when Thor looked back at him. 

Did he feel awkward at hearing about Thor’s problems? Did he feel comforted by the fact that Thor’s life wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows either? Or maybe he just felt sympathy. He knew what it was like to be estranged from one’s family.

“Have you tried to reach out to your father?”

“No…not exactly,” Thor rubbed the back of his neck. “He can be an intolerable ass. And admittedly I’m really stubborn too. Things blew up between us and neither of us apologized. Can’t really find it in me, because I could never apologize for who I am or what I love. But the old man won’t back down either, so…”

Thor chuckled sadly.

“I think you should reach out to him,” Loki said firmly. 

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I don’t want to cower in front of him all over again…” Thor sighed. “If I have to apologize for who I am, maybe- maybe some things are better left in the past.”

“Maybe so,” Loki agreed with a shrug. “But when you talked about the house your parents live in, you called it the cottage _we_ live in. In your head, you still believe that this is where you belong. You still think of you and your parents as a family,” Loki explained, and Thor gaped at him stupidly, as he tried to put together what Loki was saying. “I don’t think you really want to leave it in the past. So maybe you shouldn’t.”

“…maybe. I’ll think about it. Thanks for the advice Loki, that was really…I never noticed I was doing that.”

“Hm. You can go figure how much my advice is worth,” Loki said bitterly, and Thor watched him take slow steps through the room. The melancholy was back, wanting to drag Loki under again but Thor didn’t want to let it happen.

They were in a room full of Loki’s favourite stuff. There had to be something to distract him.

“Those shoes are really cool. Where’d you get them?”

Loki turned his head to look at the burgundy leather shoes Thor was pointing at. And indeed. His eyes came alive as he stepped next to Thor to open the cabinet and take them out for Thor to get a better look.

“A shoe-maker in Milan. I got them when I was there for fashion week for the third time.”

“That’s really cool. On an entirely unrelated note, what shoe-size do you have?”

At that Loki even briefly grinned at him, amused, and Thor was smiling too, seeing him like this.

“Definitely not yours. Sorry, you can’t borrow any of them. And I doubt any of my other clothes would fit you either.”

“Shame,” Thor walked further towards a pale-yellow fabric that had caught his attention. He picked it up from where it peaked out and looked at it puzzled. “What’s this though?”

“It’s a cape,” Loki put the shoe back before he took the piece from Thor’s hands and removed it from the hanger, to hold it up. And now Thor saw it. It was long, reaching just above Loki’s ankles. Outside it was a dark teal, while inside it was made of mustard coloured silk. And even while Loki was just holding it up, Thor could imagine how beautiful it must look on Loki how it must flow and flutter around him with every movement.

“Wow,“ Thor breathed out. “And where’d you get this?”

“It’s handmade and was specifically made for me by a couturier near Paris. En Dwi had requested it and gave it to me as a present, once I secured I very important job…”

Loki’s voice betrayed no emotion, but Thor got wary as he listened. Maybe it was the mere mention of En Dwi that set him off, or it was the way Loki’s gaze grew hollow and distant, as he was talking. 

There was a story here. 

“What kind of job was it?” Thor asked quietly, inviting Loki to talk about it if he wanted to. 

“It was for a line of photos. A Harper’s Bazaar special. The client was still undecided…but En Dwi arranged a dinner, for us to meet. And I’ve been able to change his mind,” Loki hesitated to go on. But he did after a few seconds of silence. “Not during dinner though. Afterward.”

“What happened after dinner?” Thor’s voice was so untypically quiet, worried lines carved into his forehead, as he listened.

“He invited me to his room. And I agreed. Of course. I don’t think I need to spell out to you what happened. But I got the job. Sometimes…sometimes it’s just necessary to go the extra mile. And it paid off, as you can see. Without that job, I wouldn’t be where I am right now.”

“How old were you?”

“Fifteen. Sixteen. What does it matter?”

“It matters because instead of being extremely dubious, that makes it actually illegal,” The closest feeling Thor could identify now, was just utter disbelief. Because this…this surpassed simple anger. He had always known that something was odd between En Dwi and Loki and this story confirmed his worst fears.

“But I consented,” Loki argued. “He asked me to go to his room and I agreed…of course it’s a little…dubious as you put it because I was a few years from being legal. But it was nothing I didn’t agree to. And it might not have been the most…pleasant encounter I have ever had. But he didn’t hurt me or anything of the like.” 

Just like last night, Loki was defending the people who harmed him, with the exact same arguments. 

But now Thor had an idea, where Loki might have learned that kind of sick reasoning. 

“You’re doing it again,” Thor said accusingly. “You’re defending those people, right after you tell me what terrible things they've done to you.” 

Thor looked at Loki incredulously, who was holding onto the cape like it was his lifeline. 

“I’m just…just putting things into perspective,” Loki spoke softly and shook his head, but he was no longer able to hold Thor’s gaze. “You’re not part of the scene…you don’t know the way things go. If I wouldn’t have taken that opportunity, someone else would have and they would have gotten the job.”

“Is that what En Dwi told you?” Thor asked and he could no longer keep the disdain out of his voice. 

“That he was only giving you an ‘opportunity’ to advance your career?” Thor huffed. He shouldn’t. He should remain cool and level-headed, but he was getting so worked up about everything Loki had just told him. The implications of it. The god damned injustice. The fucking abuse. And the fact that Loki didn’t even want to recognize it for what it was. 

“You know what he really did? He sent a child to get raped. That’s it. He knew exactly what would happen to you and exactly how much influence he had. He knew that you’d do what he tells you and shamelessly took advantage of that fact. But the worst thing he did? He made you believe that you made a choice. He made you believe that this was actual fucking consent. How often? How often did that happen?”

“I- only a few times. Maybe…I don’t know. Maybe once or twice a year? I don’t know.”

“So, you’re saying this happens regularly?” Thor simply couldn’t believe it. “This vile bastard! That’s fucking…that’s evil okay? That’s actually fucking evil. You’re damn right, me and him wouldn’t get along. If I saw him I couldn’t guarantee…”

Thor rubbed both of his hands over his face, willed himself to push his rage back down. Willed himself to _not_ imagine Loki, young and scared to disappoint the person who had freed him from a lonely and hopelessly place. Of course, he'd say yes. The entire idea of this being an actual choice was sickening.

He opened his mouth, to continue his anger-fuelled monologue, but when he glanced at Loki again, he saw his face was all scrunched up, the tears rolling down his cheeks, as he tightly gripped the silk cape in his hands.

“I love him,” Loki’s broken whisper felt lost in the large, overfull closet. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

“No, you’re not…you’ve just had a lot of bad luck,” Thor explained quietly as he took a few steps closer towards Loki. 

“Feels like I’m fucking cursed with it then,” Loki gasped in a breath and held it there for a few seconds, staring straight ahead before he continued. “Because En Dwi…he was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was always there for me. And if- if he- then, then nothing is worth anything anymore.”

“You’re scared to stop defending him because then you couldn’t keep this up anymore?” Thor asked softly and tilted his head to catch a better look at Loki’s face.

“No. No, I’ve got to…he’s all I have. And he’ll leave me. He found someone better…” Loki’s voice broke and suddenly the sharp sound of tearing fabric joined the pitiful noise coming from the back of Loki’s throat. They both glanced down at the big, torn gash in the beautiful yellow silk. Loki seemed to be just as shocked as Thor. A pained gasp left Loki before he let go of the cape as if it had burnt him. 

When he looked back up at Thor, something had changed in his face. 

It was alive with desperation and Thor recognized the expression in his eyes well enough. Loki was torn between refusing to accept what happened and getting completely dragged under by the realization of it, all while Thor struggled to put together the pieces and make sense of what Loki had just told him.  
“Maybe it was rape," Loki said feverishly. "Maybe you’re right. But I’d let it happen a hundred times over if that meant that nothing would change between us. Because everything is better than- But I’m not even given a chance. Nothing will be like it was. He’s…he’s got a new model. She’ll take my place. I’m getting old. I’m out of fashion. He’ll leave me, and everyone will forget about me and then-“

“Loki. Stop,” Thor interrupted firmly when Loki’s voice became choked and panicked. “Take a deep breath. There you go…that’s good.”

He stretched out his hands for Loki, quietly offering him to reach out and take them.  
But Loki didn’t take his hands. He did a lot more, falling into Thor’s arms so suddenly, that Thor almost didn’t catch him. But he did and he felt Loki’s face pressed against his chest, wet and hot with the tears that were seeping into Thor’s shirt.

And Thor, who had been aching to hold Loki the entire time, wrapped his arms around him tightly.

“I’m so sorry Loki. I’m so sorry…”

“In Paris. She’s so beautiful,” Loki gasped out. “She’ll…and he didn’t even answer me. Until today. He just…he just pretended like everything’s okay. But it’s not. Nothing is. He doesn’t even care what will become of me…” 

Thor soothingly ran his fingers through Loki’s hair.  
“You know he’s a bad person. You’ve known for quite a while. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have blown right up, the moment I even questioned him- cause you knew there was something to question. . So maybe…maybe you’re better off without him caring if that’s what his care includes.”

“And what will- what will become of me? E-everything is just downhill from here. I should just die before it gets really bad.”

The words hit Thor right in the heart, but he couldn’t let it show. Loki was quite literally clinging onto him. 

“You don’t wanna die Loki. You’re scared. And really really hurt,” Thor whispered softly, and stroked his hand up and down Loki’s back slowly. “But you called me. And you told me. At least some part of you wants to take that leap of faith and see what’s beyond. Beyond the industry. Beyond En Dwi. Cause I promise there’s so, so much beyond a thriving modelling career and death. Good things. Maybe even better things…”

Loki stayed quiet and Thor could feel the doubt radiate off of him. He was expecting him to fight him on the matter. To insist that nothing could possibly be better. But when he spoke, sounded meek and timid, like he was scared of the answer. Like he was scared that maybe Thor couldn’t even come up with anything.

“Like what?”

“Like reading all the books in your library. Or having a nice meal, without having to worry. Sleeping in the next day. Wasting time just strolling around town, without feeling like you’ve gotta be anywhere or do anything…” Thor’s shirt was growing wetter and wetter, where Loki was still resting his head against his chest but the young man stayed silent. 

“You’re so young Loki,“ Thor’s voice cracked but he cleared his throat and went on. "I don’t think you even realize how young. You can go to uni. Study and make some friends. Or start a job somewhere. Or just take some time to figure things out. And if you want to go on modelling, you can do that too. There are other agents out there…the world is so big. And you’ve got a place in it, wherever that might be. I know it.”

“I’m so scared,” Loki whispered, petrified.

“I know. There’s a lot to be scared of.”

“Where would I even begin? Modelling is the only thing I know anything about.”

“Hm, I doubt that. And let me tell you something. When I was your age, I didn’t know shit about anything, not even modelling. I think it’s not unusual to not have a clue at twenty-three,” Thor explained

“And what if En Dwi actually still wants me?” 

Fuck, that quiver in Loki’s voice was getting to Thor. He recognized it as hope. Raw hope, that maybe he wasn't given up by the person that instrumentalized his rape. He wanted to shake him, shout at him that he was better off without this guy. But he remembered Sif. Remembered what she told him about trying to imagine what all of this must mean to Loki. 

En Dwi was a monster. Thor had no doubt about that. But he was so much more than Loki’s agent. What he had given to Loki must be immeasurable- much like the things he took. 

Thor took a hold of Loki’s shoulders and carefully pushed him away just enough to look at his face.

“I can’t tell you,” Thor said honestly. “But you can’t go on the way you always did. Something’s got to change. Since the first day, I’ve always seen you suffer. And maybe I’m stating the obvious but it seems like you don’t have much to compare your situation to. But that’s not normal. That’s definitely not the way it’s supposed to be. There’s a way to do things differently.”

And maybe that really wasn’t that obvious to Loki. Because he looked at Thor with disbelief and doubt. He was expecting Thor to be lying to him. 

“And not everything has changed yet. You’re still a model. You still have some jobs lined up. En Dwi hasn’t even tried to get out of the contract yet, has he? Things might change. But not all of them right now. You’ve got time to adjust.”

“I’m not sure if time will be enough,” Loki whispered. 

“You’ve got me too,” Thor blurted out then. 

And now they were looking at each other awkwardly. Thor flushed. And after a long silence, Loki nodded his head once and cast his eyes down, to the torn cape.

"Yes," He finally agreed. And he sounded surprised. Taken aback by his own words. "I've got you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after nine chapters Thor first realizes that he might be...in _love_. I wasn't sure if I'd manage a slow burn story but if that's not slow I don't know what is xD
> 
> Thank you for sticking to the story, I hope you liked it thus far!


	10. Chapter 10

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea. Your friends won’t like it when you drag along some random guy. Your _client_. Is that in tune with your morals? Mixing business and private?”

Loki seemed to be pretty pleased with himself, for having found yet another reason why he shouldn’t be joining Thor tonight. And it was indeed impressive because they have been talking about this for twenty minutes now, ever since Thor invited Loki to come along to meet his friends. 

But Thor dealt with people who struggled to allow themselves what they truly wanted on a daily basis. 

It was enough to recognize that Loki didn’t despise the idea as much as he let on. He could tell because Loki never outright told him that he truly didn’t want to come along. He was just coming up with outside reasons on why he shouldn’t go. Excuses rather than reasons and that was a familiar pattern to Thor. 

“In tune with my morals? Loki you truly are something else. We crossed the line from business to private quite a while ago,” Thor sighed and looked over at Loki, who sat across from him at the table, with his arms crossed over his chest. He continued in a softer tone as he looked Loki in the eyes. “I don’t want to argue with you. I don’t want to force you into going, even though I know you’d probably feel better about yourself if I did-“

Loki glared at him, but Thor felt like that it was only because Thor had had the audacity to call him out.

“-so, if you don’t want to go, that’s fine. Tell me right now that you’d rather not and we will stay here. But if you want to give this a go, stay quiet and I’ll count your silence as a yes.”

They looked at one another for a few seconds until Loki averted his gaze to brush invisible crumbs off the table's surface.

And thus, it was settled. Easy. 

“We don’t have to stay any longer than you want,” Thor assured.

“I need to get ready,” Loki said as he got up from his chair and raked his fingers through his messy hair. “I look hideous.”

“Wait-“ Thor blurted out and Loki stopped to look at him with a raised brow. “Can I watch?”

“Excuse me?”

“Watch you. Get ready I mean,“ Thor explained. “I want to know how you do it. How you did it back at the studio.”

“What for?” Loki had narrowed his eyes at Thor, his black brows drawn together into a frown as if Thor had just asked for the most outrageous thing possible. God. Did Loki truly believe that he would do something to fuck him over after everything they've been through? 

“Don’t be so distrustful Loki. I’m just curious. And it’s not that much to ask.”

Not in comparison to everything Thor has done so far at least. They both knew it, the unspoken words hung heavily in the air between them, but Thor didn’t dare say them out loud. He didn’t have to either, with a heavy sigh, Loki finally rolled his eyes and Thor knew that he had won.

“Fine. I don’t see why you’d want that though. I always assumed that it was more…enticing to just be presented with the results. But since you’ve already seen me in some of my less graceful moments, why not?”

Thor shot him a smile.

“Alright. So how do you get started?”

~

Thor didn’t realize that this question was all it took for Loki to dump the entirety of his knowledge regarding skincare and make-up on Thor. It was like most things with Loki. At first, he refused to open up at all but at once a certain point was reached and he let go, everything released all at once and he couldn’t get himself to shut up anymore.

Not that Thor minded it in the slightest. Loki had a mesmerizing, silky voice so hearing him go on and on about the dozens of different potions he put on his face and the alien-looking tools he used was beautiful, even if Thor only really understood half of it. 

But understanding was secondary. What truly mattered was that Loki enjoyed talking and enjoyed being listened to, while Thor thoroughly loved listening. 

And apart from that fact it was fascinating to see how slowly but surely Loki’s face took on the clear, radiant and untouched look Thor was used to. It was like magic to him. Layers upon layers of illusion cast to create something beautiful and fascinating in its own right.

At first the swelling was reduced by some kind of weird orb-shaped tool Loki stored in the fridge, then the redness was soothed by some different types of serums Loki put on with cotton pads and droppers, massaging them in with another strangely shaped tool. 

Just like Loki’s weird tea, this too took at least twelve individual steps but by the time he was done he looked more radiant and flawless, even before he had put any make-up on at all. 

And as Loki was getting ready, he seemed to gain new confidence too.

He had already straightened his hair, banishing the soft waves Thor found so endearing and had slicked it back with some gel, so that they no longer framed Loki’s face in free-falling strands, which made him look older and a lot more serious. Less vulnerable and soft.

Now Loki was focusing on applying an odd array of pastel colours to his face, which he blended in with an amount of patience that was completely foreign to Thor.

“Okay I got it, so you put that green stuff on your face to get rid of the redness. But why are you putting on yellow now?” 

“For the shadows under my eyes. And the bruises. Yellow cancels blue and purple out. You truly didn’t pay any attention in art class, did you?”

“Who the hell pays attention in art class?”

Through the mirror Thor could see Loki roll his eyes, but a barely-there smile made Loki’s lips twitch and that made a smile spread on Thor’s face as well. He watched as Loki picked up an egg-shaped sponge he had used before and began to blend the colours into his face and his neck, where oh wonder, they truly did have the effect Loki prophesized that they would. 

To cover the bruises, Loki needed to put on a few more layers of yellow paste but once he was done with them, they were practically invisible. Not even Thor, who knew that they were there could spot them anymore, which was as fascinating as it was troubling. 

If Loki chose to, he could probably keep just about everything a secret.

“Anyways,” Loki pulled Thor out of his thoughts. “Now to the actual make-up. I’ve got to be a lot more subtle than a lot of my female colleagues…make it appear like I am wearing no make-up at all for most of the time. But I can’t get away with actually not wearing any, you see? At least not me. Not with the brand that I’m selling and the look that I’m going for,” Loki went on to explain, as he put some tinted moisturizer on his face and gently patted it in with his fingers.

“And what’s the look you’re going for?” Thor asked as Loki squeezed some foundation on the back of his hand.

“Sharp and flawless,” Loki explained. “Like I might not be real at all. Some mystic creature, that wandered out of the land of myths and legends.”

“Well, you nail it. Sometimes I- never mind. You really do look like you could be some viciously beautiful fae.”

“Oh, why thank you,” Loki offered Thor a brief sharp grin, before he began to pat the coloured cream into his skin, where it melted easily into his natural skin tone.

“Never thought about that. About people applying make-up to make it look like they’re not wearing make-up,” Thor admitted and Loki made a sound at the back of his throat, resembling a short laugh. 

“I didn’t think you would have,” Loki replied.

“You think I could benefit from some make-up myself?” Thor joked. “To look even more handsome?”

“I don’t believe that’s necessary,” Loki said and even the cosmetics Loki had put on thus far couldn’t hide the flush that spread on his cheeks.

It made warmth tingle in Thor’s stomach but also made a wave of fear roll over him. What was he getting himself into? Fuck. For the first time, he truly realized why it was called falling in love. He felt like he was just pushed off a skyscraper, weightless, the wind blowing all clear thought out of his head, while he was just waiting to hit the ground.

“Well, maybe someday we could try. For fun,” Loki said and went on to brush his brows with what looked like the world’s tiniest comb attached to a slender handle. 

“But not now, we’re probably running out of time. How much longer do we have anyways?” Loki asked, quickly diverting from that dangerous direction their conversation had taken, as he masterfully applied a hint of contour to accentuate his already sharp cheekbones. 

“No pressure. My friends aren’t exactly the type of people to be accurate by the minute. We meet up at around nine. Doesn’t matter if we get there half an hour earlier or later.”

Thor caught the brief look of puzzlement in Loki’s eyes in the mirror. Of course, Loki lived his life in a way that didn’t allow for wasting time. He recalled Loki knocking on his door, never even a minute early or late. It must be the way his entire life was playing out. 

When he wasn’t sitting at home abandoned by his piece of shit agent that was.

“Well I’m almost done anyway,” Loki insisted, as he checked his phone. “We still have thirty-six minutes then. How long is the drive?” 

Thor sighed. Loosening up definitely didn’t come easy to Loki. But Thor would go at his pace.

“The drive is probably ten minutes from here. We’ll be there in time, don’t worry.”

~

Loki’s transformation wasn’t complete until he had put on his clothes, a pair of tight jeans and a sweater with an embroidered snake on it, that made it look like the animal was lying across Loki’s shoulders, shifting and coiling with ever movement Loki made.

And with his hair done and his skin made perfected in what felt like a hundred different steps, Loki was as otherwordly beautiful as ever. But if one knew what to look out for, it was possible to see a few cracks in the façade. 

Loki hadn’t been able to change his eyes, that were still slightly redder than usual, and he couldn’t help the way he drifted off sometimes, his gaze becoming distant and heavy like he was far far away. Thor could bet that Loki didn’t see or hear anything in these moments, because he wouldn’t react to Thor speaking until he raised his voice and then the younger would startle violently. 

Only to act like nothing had happened a moment later.

But seeing the way Loki put himself back together again, was soothing and frightening at once. It felt good to see that Loki could still return to the aloof and arrogant person he had first gotten to know but at the same time, it was worrisome to know just how skilfully Loki could cover up his hurts. He’d look pretty while dying and no one would be able to tell and that scared Thor to no end.

But Loki had opened up before and Thor could only hope that he would do it again when he needed someone to be there for him. And hopefully when he did open up, it would be to the right people.

“You look amazing, Loki.”

“You think so?” Loki said, sounding entirely unsurprised but pleased with the compliment, nonetheless.

“Yes, definitely. Everyone will be amazed by you tonight.”

“You reckon I’ll be the best looking there?” Loki went on to ask and Thor laughed loudly in response. 

Now he was just fishing for it. 

“With me around? Sorry, no way,” Thor teased, still smiling as Loki shot him a sour look. But Thor didn’t let that irritate him, he just held the apartment door open for Loki, who followed him outside into the corridor.

“You know what I mean.”

“Well yes, I do. But tonight is just fun, okay? No competition. However, if you want to be sweet-talked all night, I recommend you sit down next to Fandral. Blonde skinny guy, I’ll point him out to you. He’ll tell you that you’re beautiful and amazing for hours, if he brings his guitar, he might even come up with a song for you.”

“Sounds very good,” Loki said as he locked the door behind himself and then walked alongside Thor towards the elevator. “Maybe I won’t even bother with you anymore after I’ve made his acquaintance,” He added teasingly.

“He’s not your type.”

“Oh, and what makes you think you have any clue about what my type is?”

“Well, the fact that I and Thanos are the two largest Doms in town, gives me a vague idea of what you might be looking for in a man.”

Thor cringed the moment he said those words. Why did he mention Thanos? Worse yet, why did he have to name Thanos right alongside himself?

But to his relief, Loki didn’t get triggered, he just chuckled wryly and pressed the button for the elevator.

“You’ve got me. So, I may have a type. But with just enough compliments, who knows, my tastes might be flexible.”

“So flexible that you could look past him not being dominant in the slightest?” Thor asked, lifting a brow. 

And now Loki hesitated, making Thor laugh again.

“Why do you care so much anyways?” Loki shot back, as they walked out of the elevator to cross the brightly lit marble hall. “One might think you don’t like the idea of me getting into a nice relationship, with a guy who treats me nicely and sings songs about me.”

“No. That’s not it,” Thor argued lamely but he couldn’t even convince himself. “I was just pointing out those things to you because...so you’re not disappointed. Just wanted you to know ahead of time.”

“So that I don’t accidentally fall for him that is?” Loki turned towards him and lifted a brow at him. “I’m good at keeping myself in check in that regard, if that’s what you're worried about. So far, I’ve never even been in a relationship at all.”

Thor looked over at Loki surprised, to find that his eyes were downcast, watching his feet move across the colourful marble tiles as they walked. 

“Hey, no shame in that,” Thor said softly. “Haven’t had many relationships either. First, because I was too much of a douchebag and later on because of my job. Doesn’t sit well with most people, you know?”

“I can imagine,” Loki said and this time around he held the door open for Thor. “I- I don’t believe I could handle being with a man who casually dominates a dozen other people on the side. I believe it would just be too painful for me. To know that everything he does to me, he does to everybody willing to pay.”

And if that statement was meant to hurt, it certainly did.

~

They had to stop at Thor’s apartment for him to change, before they went to the park, which had served in making Loki more nervous than he was before. It was already a few minutes past nine by the time he sat in the car again, next to Loki, who seemed annoyed and genuinely anxious.

“You’re certain that being late will not be a problem?”

“Of course not. The only problem we might have, is if they drank all the beer without us. And they wouldn’t do that either,” Thor assured, as he started the car again to drive them to the park. 

The day had cleared up in the afternoon and the last rays of sun were seeping through the clouds still drifting across the sky to give the fresh green leaves on the trees a golden glow. Back when he had first met Loki, it would have already been dark by now but spring was slowly but surely entering the land, making it come alive with its touch. 

“I really shouldn’t be joining,” Loki said out of nowhere. “It feels inappropriate. So, without trying to be disrespectful, I believe I should take a taxi back to the apartment.”

Thor sighed. Looks like they went back to square one with their argument.

“Come on, you’ve gotten all dressed up now. Can’t let that go to waste,” Thor looked over at Loki with an encouraging smile before he focused his eyes back on the road. “At least give it a chance. You can still leave if you don’t like it.”

“That’s not what this is about. I don’t believe they will like me,” Loki whispered.

Now that was different from the previous push and pull between them. It was vulnerable and heartfelt. Thor could feel the genuine worry behind the statement.

“Why wouldn’t they? You’re interesting, you’re clever, you’re fun. They’ll adore you, no doubt about it.”

“I’m not sure if I’m any of those things today,” Loki swallowed heavily. “After everything I’m just so…I feel so hollow after what happened. I’m so tired. I don’t believe I’ll be any fun tonight.”

“This isn’t an audition Loki. You don’t need to convince anybody,” Thor said calmly. “They’re cool. If you don’t want to talk or make jokes, they’ll get it. You’re not booked to be their private entertainment and they know that,” Thor briefly hesitated and then went on. “Me and them…we’ve gone through a few rough patches together. They know pain. They know what it does to you. None of them will judge you for it, I promise you.”

Loki shrugged his shoulders and turned to look out of the window.

“And if you don’t feel comfortable just say the word and we’ll leave,” Thor said. “Get ourselves a pizza, or go to the movies.”

“Yeah, I got it, Thor. I can leave anytime. Geez, you’re being just like you are during your sessions,” Loki scoffed but some of the anxiety had faded out of Loki’s voice and that was good enough for Thor, even if that meant that Loki circled back to giving him shit for safety precautions.

“I‘ll take that as a compliment,” Thor joked. “Just trying to make you feel safe and comfortable the way I know how to,” Thor said with a chuckle. "You can even use your safe word if that’ll make you feel more secure.”

“I think I’ll pass on that.”

But when Thor looked over, he caught a fleeting smile playing around Loki’s lips in the reflection of the window.

“Fine, just an offer. But I’m actually serious about this.”

The rest of the drive was spent in silence or with meaningless small talk, to help Loki’s anxiety at bay. The fact that Loki truly seemed to be anxious was baffling to Thor. Loki should be used to socializing, after all, he presented himself for all the world to see every other day of the week. And the world’s judgment was oftentimes harsh, unforgiving of every mistake. 

But this was just a small get together of people that Thor could personally vouch for.

But the reason this was so much more challenging to Loki, might be because he was at such a vulnerable spot. Or maybe he wasn’t used to meeting up in such a relaxed setting and it was foreign and thus frightening to Loki. 

But a part within Thor also wondered if it might have something to do with the fact that Loki actually liked him and was anxious to be accepted by his friends. But that might just be selfish, wishful thinking.

“Here we are,” Thor said, once he stopped the car and looked over at Loki. “Are you ready?”

“Of course, I am,” Loki scoffed, as he opened the car door and elegantly slipped out of it. He waited for Thor to lock the car and then moved close to him. “So, you lead the way?”

“Yes, it’s not far from here,” Thor said and for a moment he was about to lie his arm around Loki. He was so close. But Thor denied himself and instead stuffed his hands in his jacket’s pockets. 

They walked alongside one another in the day’s last light until they reached the park and from there, they followed the path until Thor could make out his friends, sitting around one of the fireplaces the park provided. 

It was just a brief walk through the grass to get to them, but Loki still made a face, as they walked off the path. 

“What is it?” Thor stopped worry made his brows draw together. Would Loki really back out of this at the last second? 

But when Loki answered, Thor actually had to hold back an amused snort.

“My shoes will get all dirty,” He complained, suspiciously eying the grass in front of him.

“You want me to carry you?”

“…no thanks.”

And so, Loki made his heroic way across the grass, to where Sif, Hogun, and Fandral were already gathered on blankets around the fire. Surrounding them, were thermos bottles and plastic cups, snacks and beer cans, the wild mix that came together when everyone just brought whatever they found in their cupboards along.

The conversation halted when they noticed Thor and Loki approaching them. 

“Hey guys,” Thor grinned but he knew that already the attention was no longer on him. Everyone was curiously eying Loki who offered them one of his beautiful, yet fake smiles. Thor lied a hand on his shoulder, to find that he was noticeably tense, even though none of it showed on his face.

“This is Loki. Loki this is Sif, who at any given time is the keeper of ninety percent of the groups common sense. Hogun, perhaps the smartest of us and not because of his medical degree. Unlike any of us, he actually knows the true value of knowing when to stay quiet. We still have much to learn from him. And here’s Fandral, who in the modern day would be commonly referred to as a fuckboy-“

“I’m no fuckboy! Don’t listen to him, he is just jealous because I possess a little something called charm, which little old Thor has never heard about in his life. Apropos. Can I offer you something? We have uh…beer, tea, hot chocolate?”

“Tea would be nice, thank you very much,” Loki still smiled as sat down on the blanket next to Fandral, which made Thor roll his eyes. But he shouldn’t complain, he had suggested that they should talk, after all, something he was starting to regret now. 

Thor himself sat down in between Loki and Sif and reached out for a beer. 

And even with Sif right beside him, he couldn’t yet take his eyes off of Loki.

Loki had taken a few painkillers before they had gone and was now half lying on his side, propped up on his elbow to not upset the bruises that still had barely begun to heal. 

And even though Thor knew the grim reason why Loki had positioned himself that way, he made it look stunning. His whole body created a curved line, one that reminded Thor of the snake Loki wore on his pullover. His long legs were resting on top of one another, while his waist was accentuated by the way it dipped behind his hips. He looked like a lounging Greek god.

The way his hair brushed over his shoulders as he moved and how his face was warmed in the flicker of the flames, his long fingers with glossy black fingernails, that reached for the plastic cup Fandral handed him.

Fuck. 

Thor was in deeper than he had thought because even the disgusted expression that briefly flashed across Loki’s face when he tasted the supermarket quality rooibos tea seemed endearing and beautiful to Thor.

“What is it?” Fandral asked, concerned. “Something wrong with the tea?”

“No,” Loki lifted both brows as he put the cup down on the grass in front of him. “Due to a lack of better options, I feel obliged to say that it’s perfectly fine.”

Fandral seemed completely dumbfounded and Thor laughed because that's exactly how he must have looked like when Loki had first insulted his coffee. Confused as to how to even react to such a statement. It was definitely fun seeing Loki have that effect on other people for a change.

“Don’t worry Fandral. Loki here has some expensive tastes. Don’t pay too much attention to it.”

And Fandral, being his usual charming self, whenever he was around an attractive person, that wasn’t already sick of him, turned this into an opportunity to compliment Loki, just how Thor had been expecting him to. 

“That’s no surprise. You don’t look like the kind of person who is happy with anything but the very best. Which makes me wonder, how comes someone as tasteful and beautiful as you made his way to our humble get-together?” Fandral asked as he leaned closer towards Loki.

Thor didn’t like seeing them so closely together. Bits and pieces of his old possessive and jealous behaviour still flared up but he forcefully pushed those feelings down. Took a deep breath. Fandral was a friend. And Loki most likely wasn’t interested. It would be fine. He took a large gulp of his beer and actively looked away from the two of them. 

“Me and Thor met at a café downtown,” Loki told Fandral. “We got talking and we met a few times after that. I haven’t anticipated to be meeting his friends this soon. But it just so coincided.”

“What a lovely coincidence,” Fandral flashed Loki a bright smile. But he grew serious a moment later. “So, are you guys…romantically involved?” 

Thor awaited Loki’s answer to that question with tension. Loki was looking into the fire, but Thor could see how his throat worked as he swallowed heavily. 

“I believe things aren’t really clear between the two of us just yet,” Loki admitted surprisingly softly. 

And unlike what Thor expected Fandral to do, which was to take this statement as an invitation to give it his best shot, Fandral briefly looked over at Thor. Their eyes met for a second before Fandral turned his attention towards Loki once more. 

“He’s a great guy,“ Fandral said, as earnest as Thor had only rarely experienced him to be. “You don’t meet someone like him twice. So, whatever’s holding you two back…I’d advise you to work it out. Thor’s a wonderful person. Never met someone as big-hearted and kind as him. And I’m not just saying that because he sits right next to you. Not to mention that you’ll also be granted access to the world coolest group of people, aka us,” Thor could hear the smile in Fandrals voice. 

“Wow, you got yourself quite the wingman there Thor,” Loki pointed out as he looked over at Thor, a faint smile playing around his lips. His eyes warmed by the flames. “And so humble as well. Admit it, is that why you brought me along? So that I’d hear everyone say amazingly flattering things about you? Is that your regular trick?”

“No it’s-“

“Thor never actually brought anyone to meet us,” Fandral interrupted. “Not even I am enough of a fuckboy to do anything to intervene with the two of you. Because this is special.”

For a brief moment, Loki and Thor looked at one another but Thor was the first one to look away. He was worried about what Loki might be seeing in his eyes if he got to look at them for a moment longer. He’d be lucky if Loki wouldn’t notice the flush on his cheek in the flame’s light.

“I thought you weren’t a fuckboy?” Thor heard Loki ask and Fandral chuckled in response.

“I’m really not! I swear. Would a fuckboy be offering you gummy bears? I hope they might be more fitting to your demanding tastes.”

“Oh, I shouldn’t…” Loki was starting to decline but Fandral wasn’t going to accept it. 

“Just try. Hogun’s wife buys those at this really fancy whole foods market. They cost like five dollars a pack. I swear you’ve never had gummy bears that good.”

“Fine. But just one,” Loki finally agreed, and Thor watched as he took a single gummy bear from the bowl he was offered. But as he continued to talk to Fandral about the outfit he wore and then about fashion in general, his hand continuously sneaked into the bowl and he put one candy after the other between his lips. 

And after a while, he even started to drink his tea without complaint, too distracted to remember that he was supposed to be too good for any of this.

Thor smiled to himself and then took a gulp of his beer. He had a feeling that Loki was going to fit in just fine. 

“You do realize you’re fucked?”

Thor almost flinched. He had been so absorbed by watching Loki, that the low whisper close to his ear came as a shock to him. 

“Jesus Christ Sif, what the fuck?!”

“Wow. This is serious,” Sif lifted both brows as she brought the beer bottle to her lips. “Are you guys officially dating now?”

“No. No of course not, would you keep your voice down?” Thor hissed quietly, but when he glanced back, he saw that Loki was still talking to Fandral and was not paying much attention to them at all.

“You’ve got to figure this out, big guy. It’ll consume you otherwise.”

“I know…” Thor rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “There’s a lot going on. Just let me sort out one thing after the other.”

“Sure. Just don’t use it as an excuse to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone,” Sif reminded him. God, her tone was so stern, like she was lecturing him.

But she was also so fucking right.

~

By the end of the evening, the bowl of gummy bears was completely empty and all of Thor’s friends seemed to have come to like Loki. 

Fandral, who had been drawn in by him from the beginning, started to practically worship Loki once he casually mentioned that he of course could have him and his band play at a club Fandral has been dying to be booked at for ages. 

And Sif liked him for having some basic manners, even though the bar was set really low, even lower when Volstagg joined, working as a catalyst to make the group that much louder and more unhinged.

“You can come along more often,” Sif said once they started to pack their stuff. “I think you’re the only one of the guys who hasn’t made a single stain on the blanket.”

“One would think that shouldn’t be too much of a challenge for everyone above the age of seven but thank you nonetheless,” Loki replied, humble as ever. He had a thick blanket wrapped around his shoulders and took the last gulp from his cacao before he handed the empty cup to Sif. “Thank you for having me.”

“Oh, it’s been really nice to have you. I hope I’ll see you again soon.”

Once they all said goodbye to one another and they told Loki that they would like it if he came along more often, they each went their separate ways to their cars. The night was cold, but the last clouds had drifted away to reveal the stars above them.

The moon shone so brightly, that the path was clearly visible in front of them. They walked next to one another in silence, that was all the more deafening after all the noise around the fire. Loki still wrapped up in his blanket, looking beyond adorable.

“So that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Thor asked, breaking the quiet between them.

“No…it was alright I guess,” Loki admitted softly and briefly stopped to look up at the stars. “Do you do this often?”

“What?”

“To meet up like that, I mean.”

“Oh. At least every few weeks yes. It’s not always easy to make everyone come together but then it usually works out. Why?”

“I’m just asking. It was really nice.”

“You know, you can come along any time you like. Even if…it’s not like we need to be a couple for you to join.” Wow. What a great way to put that. Thor wanted to just go ahead and slap himself.

Loki chuckled and started walking again. 

“En Dwi will be back from Paris tomorrow…and my schedule will resume at its usual speed by the end of the week. So, I don’t believe I’ll find the time to join your meetings anytime soon. Given that I will remain some amount of success for the foreseeable future.”

Loki was willing his voice to keep steady, but Thor recognized the heavy sadness in nonetheless. There was a longing for change and a fear of everything he knew being taken away from him.

“You’re always welcome,” Thor tried, even though he was aware that this was only a weak comfort. “I’ll let you know ahead of time, whenever we plan to meet up. Maybe you’ll make it every now and again.”

“Yes maybe,” Loki said just as they reached Thor’s car. “Will you…you’ll go back home now?”

“You can come along? Or we go back to your place,” Thor said, as he looked back at Loki. 

“I think I’d like to go to your place. It’s closer. If that’s alright that is?” 

“Of course it is. Hop in, we’ll be there in no time,” Thor said. But by the time he went to the other side of the car and opened the door, Loki still hadn’t moved. “Loki? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to say thank you.” Loki’s voice was so tight now, but it was too dark to see his face. 

Thor was grateful for it. If Loki started crying in this moonlit, empty parking lot, Thor might cry along with him.

“Any time Loki. I mean it,” Thor said and while it might sound like he was being helpful, Thor knew the truth about himself. 

It was nothing but a selfish wish to remain close to Loki. He could only hope for it to be fulfilled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A more light-hearted chapter for a change but I struggled more to complete it than the ones before. I really hope you enjoyed reading and I wanted to let you know that with my holidays over, my updates will be less frequent. I'll still try to post regularly though!


	11. Chapter 11

“Fuck Loki, with prices like this, we might as well book a weekend trip somewhere.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll pay,” Loki didn’t even look up from his menu, which listed dishes that came with a truly scandalous price tag. And most of them were completely foreign to Thor. 

“They ought not to list the prices at all,” Loki went on. “The people who can pay for such a meal won’t mind anyways and the people that can’t will be shocked. Pay no mind to the numbers.”

“Well, what else should I be paying mind to? I don’t even know what half of that stuff is,” Thor glanced at Loki doubtfully. So far, he didn’t like it here any better than he had in the café Loki had picked for them the first time he stayed the night.

The walls and the floors were kept in dark graphite and charcoal tones, while accents of silver lit up the room, alongside large artfully placed lamps.

Thor supposed it looked good. But the atmosphere was stiff, everyone only seemed to speak quietly to one another, polite and dispassionate discussions about the wine, the food, the business. To Thor, it seemed like no one was actually getting any enjoyment out of this.

“If you trust me to, let me pick for you,” Loki looked at Thor from across the table. “You’ll like it. I’m sure.”

“Fine,” Thor said even though he didn’t trust Loki one bit to make food choices for him. 

After all, this was the same person who on the ride here had been going on and on about the health benefits of water with apple cider vinegar, while having the audacity to claim that with a dash of cinnamon it tasted _exactly_ like apple pie. No. Loki was definitely not to be trusted to have any idea about what good food actually was. 

But love made you do crazy things. Thor was experiencing that first-hand right now. 

Loki closed the menu and called the waitress by elegantly lifting his arm. He looked stunning anywhere, but here, surrounded by shades of silver and steel, in his black suit with the emerald shirt, he looked almost too beautiful to bear. 

And for a brief moment, Thor caught himself thinking that he regretted not having slept with Loki while he had had the chance to. 

The thought was only fleeting, as it always was because a second later reason caught up with him again. It would have been wrong to fuck Loki then, when there was no trust between them and it was also wrong now because while some trust had grown, Thor wouldn’t dare to underestimate how severely the encounter with Thanos and En Dwi’s betrayal had impacted Loki.

Not that Thor could tell at what point Loki was right now emotionally.

He was completely unreadable and ever since his agent returned, he had continued to live his life at the same pace as before. Creating new pictures, that would come and haunt Thor, whenever he was apart from Loki.

All of a sudden, he’d see those eyes, that smirk, those legs and he was never ready.

Loki simply wouldn’t let him go, even when he was away and wasn’t calling for days on end.

“We will start with miso soup and a seaweed salad for each of us,“ Loki told the waiter. “And as for the main course I will have the Unagi and my companion will have the wagyu steak. One glass of plum wine and one sake to go along with it. That would be all for now, thank you,” Loki briefly smiled at the waitress, before he handed her their menus.

Thor took a sip from the water they had ordered beforehand when he caught that peculiar look in Loki’s eyes.

“What is it?” He asked once he set his glass down and watched as Loki picked up his bag. 

“I have something for you,” Loki reached into the bag to retrieve a dark blue envelope from it. “Do not feel in any way obliged. But perhaps you should know that a lot of people would legitimately kill for this.”

Thor eyed Loki doubtfully as he took the envelope and ripped it open, without much care to the heavy expensive paper. Inside the envelope was a midnight blue card with golden lettering that read: 

Yves Saint Laurent Summer Collection

Invitation Exclusive Presentation

08.06. | 20:00

Mr. Thor Odinson

Thor must have been staring at the card for a moment too long because Loki went on to explain before he could even look up. 

“I will be walking in the show. I was wondering if perhaps you would like to see me?" 

“Yes,” Thor said quickly when he finally looked up from the card. “Absolutely yes. That’s really cool. Thank you for the invite. Seems pretty…exclusive?” 

“Yes, it says so, doesn’t it? Which means that you will please wear something other than a shirt and jeans. I could pick an outfit for you?” Loki suggested and lifted a brow. 

But Thor snorted. There was the control freak again. 

But enough was enough. He’d let Loki choose the fancy restaurant, let him decide his order, but he definitely wasn’t going to become his dress-up doll. Oh, how he’d like to get the chance to show Loki who’s boss. Make him fall apart and succumb. He always did so with such natural grace. 

But he couldn’t suggest they just start again where they left off. Everything has changed. Loki has been raped. And they were caught up in emotions that they had no hold on at all. 

So, if anything, the suggestion would have to come from Loki. And even if he did ask Thor for a session it would be Thor’s responsibility to deny him, if he believed that Loki wasn’t ready and was pushing himself past his limits in an act of self-destruction. 

Fuck. If only things could be less complicated. Thor definitely didn’t do well with complicated. 

“Believe it or not, I actually do know how to dress well. So, I will do it myself, thank you.” 

“Just an offer,” Loki said but Thor didn’t miss the grin that was playing around his lips. 

“Thank you,” Thor repeated this time more earnestly. “I know this means a lot to you. I feel honoured that you want me to be there.” 

“Well, you invited me to meet your friends. I might as well introduce you to some of mine.” 

“You think I’ll get along with them?” Thor was genuinely doubtful. He didn’t want to meet any of the people that have done Loki harm. He might not be able to hold back if he were to be put in that situation. 

“Well, not all of them,” Loki admitted. “But some of them. En Dwi won’t be there, in case you wondered. He has business in London.” 

“You’re still just working with him? After everything?” Thor stared at Loki, who insistently kept his gaze from meeting Thor’s, letting his eyes wander aimlessly across the room. 

“I overreacted,” Loki began, his voice was quiet and calm. And it had that same tone it did when he was making excuses for his abusers. Like he was making a point of being reasonable and calm. “Overreacted by a long shot. He has signed a contract with a new model it’s not the end of the world. And of course, he can’t put his main focus on me for all of his career. Perhaps if there are more promising projects ahead for me again, this will change…” 

Thor simply couldn’t believe his ears. 

“We’ve been to this point,” He said. “This isn’t about him and this model at all. He fucking rap-“ 

“Not here, Thor, are you insane?” Loki hissed at him, leaning across the table. “You want my reputation to die alongside everything else? Good god, despite your claims, it really is impossible to take you anywhere nice.” 

Loki rubbed his temples in a dramatic show of annoyance that made Thor’s blood boil. 

“Also, you are just throwing around wild accusations now. Nothing I ever told you would suggest that he himself would- oh, oshibori, you will like this,” Loki turned his attention to a waiter, who had arrived with a plate and offered both Loki and Thor a towel soaked in hot water. 

Loki used it to clean his hands and then returned the towel to the plate the waiter still was holding. 

Thor himself didn’t pick up a towel, he kept his arms crossed over his chest. 

“Lovely, thank you so much. Was that jasmine aroma? I enjoyed it a lot. Thor, are you certain you don’t want to-“ 

“Yes, I am certain,” Thor said harshly. 

“Thank you again, you can leave now,” Loki told the waiter before he returned his attention to Thor. “Firstly, that was pretty rude. Secondly, I recall that you told me that it was my decision on what I do? Have you changed your opinion on that?” 

“No,” Thor admitted reluctantly. “But I’ve also told you that you can’t just pretend like nothing happened. Because sooner or later you’ll fucking crash. You did just a few weeks ago. And you paid a high price. You struggled to get up again only to walk back to the man that made you this way! 

“It’s not as easy as you might think. The contract I have is actually legally binding, in case that fact was lost on you-“ 

“I’m sure it would no longer be binding if someone were to know about what he’s done.” 

“And therein lies the problem. You think I want a hundred thousand trash articles written about me being…you know. You think I want people to imagine what happened to me every time they look at me? Felling their judgement on me, without even taking a second glance?” Loki shook his eyes and started to fidget with his napkin. “They’ll come for me mercilessly. The fact that I’m gay won’t do me any favours either. And even if one particular day I woke up and decided I really wanted to ruin my fucking life right about now, En Dwi has lawyers. Good ones. And I lack evidence.” 

“You can’t fool me Loki,” Thor shook his head and moved closer towards Loki, leaning over to him. “You’re insanely clever. I know you could find a way to get out of this contract, this isn’t the reason you stay.” 

“…maybe not. I simply haven’t made a decision yet, as to how I would like to go on. Sorry for not plunging myself into the abyss of the great unknown without a plan.” 

“I’m not expecting you to,” Thor tried, but Loki shut him down quickly. 

“But in a way you are,” Loki accused quietly, and Thor realized it was true. It stung in a way that only the truth could. “You want me to leave everything behind. Do the _right_ thing. But what is right and what is not, isn’t as simply divided for me as it is for you. I need some more time. Like you said. And if you can’t take that, you don’t have to watch me live my life in a way you disagree with.” 

“Hey, that’s not what I meant at all. I said I’d stay,“ Thor was quick to deescalate the situation. “And I’ll come to your show too. It’s just…not easy watching someone you lo- someone you like get hurt,” Thor had almost used to loaded word ‘love’ but he had turned it into something more harmless just in time. “In fact, it’s really damn difficult. But I’ll stick around for as long as I can possibly stand it. Because you mean a lot to me Loki.” 

There was a time, when Thor was younger, in his early twenties, when he had believed that he could withstand anything. Arrogantly he would have believed that not even the power of a dying star could be enough to break him, let alone something as tiny and petty as another human being. 

And he had sneered at anybody who was brought down by life, believing them to be weak. 

Until he broke as well. He saw his own limits with such frightening clarity and was made to experience just how easily they were reached. And how much it hurt to go past them 

Now Thor knew better than to promise Loki to stay forever, even if that’s what his heart truly longed for. He couldn’t watch forever as Loki allowed himself to be taken advantage of, to get hurt and continuously poisoning himself along the way. Thor might be strong, but he wasn’t that strong. No one was. And he needed Loki to know. 

Perhaps that would get through to him, even if it was unlikely. 

“Let us just enjoy the evening,” Loki said, suddenly desperate to change the topic. “You know, I never eat dessert but the mochi here are so impossibly good, that we simply have to order their selection. And the matcha. Have you had matcha yet? It’s so good.” 

And Thor looked back at Loki and suddenly this place didn’t appear so bad anymore. He no longer saw the serious old couples and businesspeople sitting together, exchanging polite conversation. He only saw Loki, who loved everything here so ridiculously much that it was starting to get really contagious. 

“I haven’t had it yet,” Thor said. “But I can’t wait to try.” 

And at that Loki smiled and Thor could only answer with a smile of his own. 

~

Awkward was definitely an understatement to describe how Thor felt, standing in the middle of the large hall as the only person in the room, who didn’t know anybody else.

The other people all seemed to know one another like they were part of a secret little club- which might not be that far off. Of course, only a certain handful of people got an invitation to such an exclusive event and those people knew one another from similar events that were just as prestigious in nature.

Which made Thor just feel lost, as he strolled around while sipping from his champagne. They were in an opera building, everything was crafted from white marble, the pillars that supported the high ceiling, the walls and the floor, that was the source of constant clicking sounds, as polished leather shoes and high heels walked across it.

Thor had insisted on picking his own outfit which consisted of a pair of black pants, a dark grey shirt and a burgundy jacket, with its collar upturned. 

When he had picked the outfit, it had appeared very chic to him but now he had to realize that he was the most casually dressed person in the entire room. Even the waiters and waitresses were dressed in suits. Perhaps he really should have let Loki dress him up, maybe then he would feel less out of place.

But at least Loki had picked a pair of shoes for him because while he reluctantly stayed away from the rest of Thor’s outfit, he did insist that Thor had to wear at least one piece by the designer whose show he was attending. Everything else was just plain rude, even though Thor had no clue as to why. 

But Thor wasn’t left to wander around on his own for long, his unusual wardrobe and the fact that no one seemed to know him, drew attention and after just a few brief minutes, he was approached by a woman. The click of her heels was what made Thor notice her and when he turned his head to look at her, the very first association he got was _sex_. 

She had it written all over her, the long blonde hair, that fell over her shoulder in luscious waves, the green shoulder free corset, that she had paired with a skirt that was made from long leather fringes. From between the fringes, her legs came out beautifully, every time she set one foot in front of the other, in a walk that was as sensual as it was fierce.

“I don’t believe I’ve seen you around,” She began, stretching out her hand in a way that made it unclear, whether she wanted Thor to shake it or kiss it. 

He decided on the former, which earned him a raised brow. But if it was impolite, he barely cared. He probably has broken about a dozen unspoken rules this evening already. 

“No. I’m not really part of the scene so to speak,” Thor explained and offered the woman a brief smile.

“That raises the question, as to how you got here. Quite obviously, you need to have some affiliation with the ‘scene‘ to even be let in.”

Something about the way she talked reminded Thor of Loki. But Loki was never as shamelessly sensual, putting seduction into every single syllable like this woman in front of him did.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?” Thor asked as he furrowed his brows.

“It’s Amora,” The woman chuckled and shook her head. “But don’t think you can evade my question. Who are you and how comes you’re here?”

“I’m Thor Odinson,” He introduced himself. “And I got an invitation from a close friend of mine.”

“And what kind of influential friend would that be?” Amora went on to ask.

“His name is Loki. Loki Laufeyson.”

The expression on Amora’s face was priceless. There was nothing better than thoroughly dumbfounding the person in front of you, Thor understood why Loki liked to do it so much. 

“I suppose you know him?”

“I know him quite well yes,” Amora said with a nod and emptied her glass of champagne. “Me and him used to work together on some occasions.”

“Oh, so you’re a model too?”

“Not anymore. I married. Married a man with an eight-figure salary to be precise. So, in a way, I’m still modelling, and the show is everywhere I go. But the payment is significantly better. But of course, this new position entails different tasks as well, if you know what I mean,” She grinned and winked at Thor.

Just a few weeks ago, she probably would have had him wrapped around her little finger by now, but Thor felt oddly distant to her obvious flirting. It didn’t rouse him like it usually would. In fact, it was even a little bit awkward.

“You’re well off then. So, you know Loki well?”

Amora put her empty glass on the tray of a passing waiter and picked up a new glass of champagne, which she brought to her lips.

“You could say so yes,” Amora sounded slightly offended by now like she couldn’t quite believe that Thor wasn’t drooling over her already. “But the better question is how you know Loki? Are you a photographer or something?”

“No, no I’m-“ Thor cleared his throat. Shit. Why hadn’t he prepared for this question? Loki had made it look so easy to come up with something on the spot when he had been asked by Fandral. “I did the catering? For this one shoot. Loki was in it.”

“Must have been mighty good catering. Because it doesn’t sound much like Loki at all to even give service personnel a second glance,” Amora pointed out, as she watched Thor like a cat would its prey.

“Uh yeah, you could say it was pretty good,” Thor chuckled nervously. “It was enough to get his attention at least.”

“I’m pretty sure that might be more due to your good looks than any food you could have made. But who am I to judge?” Amora said benevolently, even though she made it very obvious that she was in fact judging. “But I suppose it’s pretty serious between the two of you? For him to give you an invitation for a show like this.”

“I don’t know,” Thor sighed when he saw Amora lifting her brows. “I really don’t know. We’re at this in between state right now. I guess only time will tell how this goes. Right now, anything is possible.”

Amora snorted. “This isn’t exactly the kind of show that I would bring someone that I would consider an in-between. Look around you. There aren’t more than a hundred people invited to this show and among them are the industries highest-ranked professionals. You know what I’m thinking? He wants to show you off. And then show off for you. Because he knows he’ll look amazing tonight and he knows you’ll be impressed.”

“Yeah, I guess that might be the case,” Thor shrugged his shoulders. He was only starting to process Amora’s words bit by bit.

“You don’t get it, do you? He wouldn’t go to such lengths if he didn’t want you. You know him. You know that he could bewitch you with some less effort. But he’s going all in, which speaks for itself, to be honest.”

Thor listened to her, and suddenly he understood. And when he did his heart started to beat higher in his chest. Loki was doing all of this for him. Because he cared about keeping Thor close. 

Amora was right, he wouldn’t bother if he was planning to discard Thor or to withdraw from him anytime soon.

“He’s hard to read sometimes,” Thor said and that caused Amora to chuckle. 

“That much is true. This is probably the most obvious he is ever going to get. So, if you don’t get the hint, you probably won’t get another one like this.”

Thor swallowed heavily then. Again, Amora was right. Loki wasn’t the type of person, to step up to him and proclaim his love to Thor. But this might be an invitation, for Thor to do it. And if he let that opportunity slide, maybe they would never get to the point of being open to one another.

After the show. Thor told himself. After the show, he would tell Loki how he felt. Because with a scathing suddenness he realized that he couldn’t keep it to himself for much longer. This in between was going to kill him.

“Oh! I know that look on your face, you are going to go for it, oh my god!” Suddenly Amora no longer seemed to be offended by Thor’s lack of interest but rather excited by Thor’s obvious interest in Loki. “Okay, this will be amazing. Have you prepared anything?”

“Prepare?” Thor looked at Amora puzzled. 

“A gift obviously,” Amora’s expression was expectant. “You’re not seriously contemplating a grand reveal of your feelings without even thinking of a gift?”

“No? No, why would I be needing a gift for that?” If Thor hadn’t been certain about that so far, now he knew for sure that people in the fashion industry were crazy.

“It most definitely is due to your good looks that Loki likes you so much. Loki’s the kind of person, who would like a gift simply for existing every hour of the day.”

“Well, I’ve never made him a gift at all. Didn’t really notice that going on…” Thor admitted and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Are you serious?“ Amora looked at Thor in disbelief. “Oh my god. Little Loki really is in love, I can’t believe it. I need to tell everybody about this.”

“No, you don’t!” Thor had raised his voice and a few people turned around to look at them, before returning to their conversations.

“Hot tempered, I like it,” Amora pointed out, just as she reached for a third glass of champagne, handing Thor a fresh one as well. “Fine, it’ll be our little secret. For now. But as to the more urgent problem at hand. The gift.”

“I don’t really think I need-“ Thor stopped when he saw Amora lifted her hands to open the necklace she wore. It was a thin golden chain, long enough to make the pendant dangle between her breasts. The pendant itself was long and narrow, sleek gold and somewhat shaped like a blunt nail, about as long as Thor’s small finger. 

Amora reached for Thor’s wrist and made him turn his palm up to place the necklace inside. The gold was smooth and warm in his palm.

“Amora you can’t…”

“Of course I can. And he is going to love it, I promise you. Real gold obviously. And you actually won’t believe it but…you see that tiny button on the side? Press it.”

Thor did notice a small round button, when he took a closer look at the pendant and when he pressed down on it, the thing suddenly started vibrating in his hand, with such unexpected force that he dropped the necklace, making everyone around them look at them once more.

All that was quite obviously hilarious to Amora, who laughed as Thor picked up the piece of jewellery and struggled to turn it off again, with his face taking on the shade of a ripe tomato.

Which was silly of course. He of all people, shouldn’t be startled by a sex toy, but usually, sex toys weren’t disguised as a piece of expensive jewellery that he was tricked into activating at a prestigious event, with people all around him.

“Thanks for the warning,” He huffed, drawing another chuckle from Amora.

“You’re very welcome. That expression on your face was priceless already. However, you do strike me as the kind of person to put an accessory like this to good use. And I do feel like Loki will appreciate it too.”

“Yes…I do feel the same way,” Thor said slowly, as he held up the pendant to look at it once more in the light. It seemed to glow from within. 

“In exchange, I want all the details. And I want to be invited to the wedding too.”

Thor must’ve looked really stupid when she said that because Amora laughed again.

“I am actually serious. I don’t care how ‘small’ you want your wedding to be if I’m not invited, I will make a Maleficent kind of move, so don’t test me.”

As if on cue, the lights dimmed, just as she said those words and they both looked around themselves, to see that everyone was walking away to another room.

“Oh, the show is about to start. Do you mind if I sit down next to you?” Amora asked.

“No, no of course not,” Thor told her, as he put the necklace into the pocket of his jacket. 

“Right answer. I definitely can’t miss the look on your face when you see him walking down the runway. You’ve never attended one of his shows before, is that right?”

“Yes, it is,“ Thor admitted.

“All the better.” Amora grinned at Thor, as she lead the way to where the main event would take place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! I got this one together surprisingly quickly, so I hope you enjoy reading!! I love hearing about your thoughts, as I always do!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have certain triggers, please be mindful of newly added tags!

The music had stopped, which made the excitement and tension in the air that much more tangible. Everyone was whispering to one another, in excited hushed voices, as they made their way to their seats. 

So far Thor hadn’t been thinking at all about what the show might be like, or what kind of fashion would be shown in it but with the way everyone seemed to be dying to find out, his own curiosity was stirred and he felt nervous excitement flutter in his chest, as he sat down next to Amora, who had gracefully crossed her legs, making the fringes of her skirt fall to either side, thus revealing the expanse of her tanned thighs. 

But Thor’s gaze was only briefly caught by that sensual sight, his eyes went on to drift through the room, admiring the venue. Just like in the hall they had started in, everything was held in white marble here as well, but there was a broad staircase on the other side of the room that parted halfway up, to curve left and right.

And on the wall, where the staircase divided, a large window made of coloured glass painted shadows on the white stone.

There must be a powerful source of light behind the window, because despite it being evening, it was bleeding with light, like the sun itself was shining through it from the other side. 

Most noticeable though, was a stone statue of two kneeling bulls, facing away from each other, that stood in the middle of the room. Heavy and unmovable, like it was made to be here. It had something archaic, like an altar of some sort, made to perform sacrifices for some ancient deity.

Whoever the designer was, they certainly knew how to produce atmosphere, because as the lights dimmed and the sound of the violins and cellos picked up again, Thor felt the hairs at the back of his neck rise up and out of the corner of his eyes, he saw that Amora shot him a brief grin, before directing her attention to the staircase.

The music rose, then came to a sudden halt and as it started again, two models walked down the stairs from either side, then walked across the room past the viewers and then took a turn by the altar, so that their paths crossed at that exact point and they walked back the exact way that the other had come from.

It was a beautiful symmetry and it felt oddly ritualistic to Thor.

However, the show was also captivating in a way that Thor hadn’t expected it to be and even though he wasn’t as passionate as Loki about fashion, he was drawn in by the different shapes, textures, and colours that were presented to him on the runway.

Most of the clothing was held in black, elegant, yet with a rebellious air that reminded Thor of his time as a rock enthusiast.

But as more and more models walked down the stairs, through the room and back up again, in an admirable choreography, there was no Loki. Every time a new figure appeared at the top of the stairs, Thor’s gaze flickered towards them, to see if he might recognize them, but the jet black hair and pale face that he was looking out for was nowhere to be seen.

“Be patient,” Amora whispered and Thor turned towards her, surprised. “Loki closes the show. He didn’t tell you?”

“No…he didn’t,” Thor whispered back and returned his attention to the show. 

It seemed to stretch on forever, now that Thor knew that he had to wait until the very end to see Loki and it became increasingly difficult to focus on the outfits he was presented. How many designs could a single collection possibly entail?

But even that show had to come to an end. One could feel it in the air that the finale was approaching, several people, who were more finely tuned to the rhythm of the show than Thor was, leaned forward in their seats and when Thor’s gaze flicked up towards the top of the staircase for the hundredth time that evening, his eyes found what they were looking for so unexpectedly that he had to blink to be sure.

There was no doubt about it though, it was Loki, who walked down the stairs. His footsteps were light, yet elegant as he made his way down, with his gaze always directed straight in front of him.

It was only when he reached the middle of the staircase and faced the viewers, that Thor got a full view of him in his outfit and the sight of it briefly took his breath away. The coloured glass behind him, drenched in light, made him stand out in his clothing, which consisted of a classic black suit, with a white shirt and a tie.

But his jacket was long enough to reach his knees, more closely resembling a light coat and he wore a golden scarf loosely draped over his neck. The gold was interrupted by a thick line of emerald green, that shaped two upside-down crosses on either end of the scarf and most untypically, Loki held a golden walking cane in his hand, which gave his walk something regal yet playful, as he made his way to the bottom end of the stairs and then walked across the room, right towards Thor.

Like the rest of the models, his face was calm and unmoved, not betraying any emotion, giving him the appearance of a statue come to life. 

As Loki approached him, Thor felt a shudder start at the base of his neck and spread throughout his entire body. Loki came closer and closer until he was standing just a few steps away from Thor, right before he was supposed to turn left. 

And suddenly that marble expression of his cracked open, just as their eyes met and a tiny sharp grin made Loki’s lips twitch.

This was it, the moment Loki had waited for. Thor had no way of knowing what exactly Loki had wanted to accomplish with this show. But if one of his goals had been to make Thor _understand_ what he was doing, he had certainly succeeded.

Thor had always made an effort to see things from Loki’s point of view but so far, he hadn’t truly understood what it meant. But seeing him walk down the runway putting his beauty and elegance on full display, with all eyes on him, Thor began to truly realize that this was far more than a job for Loki.

This was his calling. 

Of course, all the other models, were beautiful just as well, they walked with elegance and skilfully displayed their clothing but only now that Thor had seen the way Loki moved down the catwalk, he noticed that they had all been missing this special something.

Loki was thrumming with magic and energy, captivating the viewers in a way the others had failed to do. 

And that little smirk, just before he turned around to pass the altar and walk back towards the stairs, amplified the effect he had, leaving a lasting effect not just on Thor but everyone in the audience that had caught this brief break in protocol.

Everyone who had seen, felt like they were let in on a special little secret, even though none of them would be able to tell which secret that was.

Now Thor understood as well, why Loki had been chosen to close the show. His magic still lingered in the air, his smirk still ghosted through the room, even as he had made his way back upstairs and the show was over.

The designer stepped up to say a few words, that Thor couldn’t care less about, but he was at least pretending to listen, even if his eyes kept flicking up in the hope of catching another brief look at Loki.

All Thor cared about now was getting to him as quickly as possible, before his courage died down and he would lose hold of the words that were burning in the back of his throat like hot iron.

_‘I love you Loki. I can’t ever let go of you. Whatever this is, take my hand and let’s find out together.’_

“I suppose you liked it?” Amora pulled him out of his thoughts and looked at him from the side with a knowing smirk, once the man had stepped away from the microphone and the guests began to get up. “He does have that effect. It’s what makes him so special.”

“Yes,” Thor agreed, his throat suddenly dry. The second his eyes had locked with Loki’s still reverberated within Thor, the aftershocks of that moment have barely even started to fade. He cleared his throat and turned to Amora. 

“So, what now?” Amora asked curiously. “Where are you going to meet him?”

“He said he’d send me a message,” Thor said, as he got up and took his phone from the pocket of his jacket. Nothing yet. “Maybe he’ll meet me backstage?”

“I hardly think so,” Amora said as she got up as well. “Backstage isn’t exactly what you would call private. Everyone buzzing around and chattering, it’s not what I’d consider romantic,” Amora pointed out as she slowly strolled back towards the main hall. “Loki wants all the attention him when you see him. He would despise such a distraction.”

“You really do seem to know him well?” Thor pointed out and looked up at her from his phone. 

“It might not look that way, but I am a few years older than Loki,” Amora began. If she was, it was hardly noticeable to Thor. It was quite impossible to determine anyone’s age in this industry, or at least it seemed that way to Thor. 

“Anyways,“ She went on. “We met pretty early on. At the very start of his career, when I've been in the business for a few years already. He was so cute back then, really shy and nervous, you wouldn’t believe it. Don’t tell him that I said that to you, or else he will never talk a word with me again, but during his first big show in Paris, he puked his guts out, right before it was his turn.”

Thor listened to Amora talk with disbelief. It really was hard to imagine Loki, who was so cocky and self-assured to be frightened and nervous. But then again, he was just a kid back then. And the pressure must have been enormous.

“It is not exactly typical for me, as you might have guessed I am not exactly a fairy-godmother type of person. But I owed his agent a favour and so I managed to coax him out of the bathroom and the makeup team had just enough time to wipe the sweat of his face and freshen up his hair before he walked out there. And he rocked it,” Amora explained and briefly smiled at Thor. 

“You know, this world,“ She vaguely gestured around herself, making the golden rings on her wrists click. “Doesn’t allow for many friends. The competition is too much. But me and him are such different types, that we never really rivaled one another. Meaning neither had to betray the other, to advance their career at one point- and believe me, neither Loki nor me, are above playing dirty.”

Thor’s stomach twisted at hearing that. There it was again. That one moment of glamour in the spotlight had been strong and the intense emotions it stirred within Thor were doubtlessly real. But still, this one perfect moment was embedded in ugliness, betrayal, and hurt.

“What’d he do?” Thor asked hesitantly.

“Do you really want to know?” Amora lifted a brow. “It’s the past. You really want it to taint the way you look at him?”

“…no. No, I think I don’t,” Thor admitted and cast his gaze down towards the marble tiles they walked on. “He’d have to tell me himself. Everything else isn’t right.”

“Oh, you’re one of those righteous people then? They’re always so fun.”

Thor was just about to ask irritated what on earth was so fun about having a basic sense of human decency when his phone vibrated in his jacket and he quickly pulled it out to look at the screen. 

_Hope you enjoyed yourself. Let’s meet on the second floor by the balcony. Can’t wait to see you. LL_

Thor put the phone back in his pocket and turned towards Amora. 

“It was really nice to meet you, and thank you, for…the present. But I’ll meet Loki upstairs now, so maybe I’ll see you again some other time,” Thor said and stretched his hand out for Amora to shake but she only scoffed.

“No offense,“ She said as she lifted a brow. “It does seem to me like you’ve never been here. This place is big, it might take you ages to find Loki,” Amora pointed out and Thor realized with discomfort that she was right. “Tell me where you two want to meet up and I can walk you there. Don’t worry, I’ll leave you two lovey doveys alone right after.”

Thor looked at Amora with a doubtful frown but finally, he nodded. 

“He won’t mind, will he?” He asked as they started walking towards an elevator.

“Mind? We’re friends! He’ll be _delighted_ to see me,” Amora spoke like there was absolutely no doubt about that fact at all and pressed the button for the elevator with a long, almond-shaped fingernail. “We haven’t seen one another since my wedding.”

“Okay sure,” Thor said and took a brief look at Loki’s message once more to check the location. “He said that we should meet by the balcony. You know where that is?”

“Of course I do!” They stepped into the elevator and Amora selected the right floor. “It’s where you typically take people you want to kiss.” 

She winked at Thor, as she leaned against the wall while the elevator took them up. 

“I honestly never thought little baby Loki would ever find love. He was always so…” Amora trailed off, sounding oddly sentimental all of a sudden. 

“So what?” Thor asked as the elevator’s doors opened and they both stepped outside.

"So...I don’t know how to describe it. I just never thought he’d open up that way that’s all. But perhaps with age, he is starting to let his guard down.”

“With age? He’s barely in his mid-twenties, what is it with you people?” Thor shook his head as he looked at Amora. 

“You’re so cute. Such a breath of fresh air, I can see now why he likes you,” Amora answered with an amused chuckle and that cryptic answer did absolutely nothing to clear things up for Thor. But he has given up anyways. These people were plain crazy, and Thor supposed there was no real point in trying to understand them at all. 

He’d much rather be an anchor in the “normal” world for Loki, where twenty-three wasn’t old, not everyone was constantly dieting, and taking drugs was not commonly accepted.

They walked over a dark red carpet, that muffled their steps and as they got closer towards the end of the corridor, Thor could see the large windows there, that lead to the balcony. And really Loki was standing there, still dressed in the outfit he had worn during the show. 

He turned towards them, with a smile on his face, that quickly faded away and made place for a sour expression once he noticed Amora walking beside Thor.

“What are _you_ doing here?” Loki asked her, his voice cold and disdainful.

“Bringing your boyfriend to see you, you’re welcome by the way. And I missed you too,” Amora shot Loki her brightest smile. “Aww come on, don’t be mad Loki. Who would have known that he would actually listen to me!”

Loki scoffed and rolled his eyes, while Thor stood awkwardly between the two of them.

“I thought this would be a perfect way to rekindle our friendship,” Amora tried again. “Come on now, don’t act like you wouldn’t have done the same thing.”

“…that’s not the point.”

“It is a little bit,” Amora disagreed.

“Would anyone care to explain to me what’s even going on?” Thor asked, not bothering to keep the frustration out of his voice.

“Well, I told a friend of mine, who just happens to be a designer, that I personally wouldn’t cast Loki for that particular shooting.”

“You told him I had inflammatory bowel disease!” Loki spat back at her. 

“Ooopsie?” Amora tried, but it only earned her a disdainful scoff from Loki. “I owed a friend of mine a favour. Come on. You know how it goes, don’t act like you’re any better than me.”

“Just fuck off Amora. You seem a little drunk, would be a shame if you were to trip over the railing.”

“Always so dramatic Loki. Thor tell me, how do you manage to spend time with him again?”

Thor wisely recognized the question as the obvious trap that it was and said nothing at all. For a few seconds, the only sound between the three of them was Loki’s rapid breathing. It seemed to grow more and more ragged as the seconds passed. 

But it wasn’t until Thor turned towards Loki, that he realized that his laboured breathing wasn’t due to his agitation towards Amora.

Blood trickled from Loki’s left nostril, caught on the curve of his quivering lip and dropped down on his white shirt, tainting it a shocking dark red, where it soaked into the pristine fabric.

“Thor?” Loki’s voice was quiet and choked but laced with panic, his wide eyes unseeing as he leaned heavily against the wall. His breath still went in wheezing gasps and his mouth gaped open like he was a fish above water. “I can’t breathe. Thor. I can’t. Help.”

Thor was next to Loki in a heartbeat, wiping away the blood, that kept running from his nose in a steady trickle, off with the sleeve of his coat. As his fingers brushed over Loki’s skin, he found that it was heated and covered in a thin sheen of sweat.

Loki sank down the wall and Thor held him up, while helplessly looking down at his sickly pale face, his eyes almost pitch-black and unfocused, staring at the ceiling above him, as he struggled to breathe.

“Loki? Loki listen to me. Try breathing with me. One breath in, hold it there and release,” Thor ordered him, though his words hardly seemed to get through to Loki. He had to repeat himself twice more before Loki began to try breathing the way Thor told him to. 

Only when Loki’s rattling breath became somewhat steady, he turned towards Amora, who was frozen in place, staring at both of them in utter shock. 

“What are you waiting for?! Call an ambulance!” Thor shouted at her before he returned his attention to Loki. Below the red stain of the blood, his lips were turning an unhealthy blue colour. “Stay with me Loki. Listen to me. Listen to me talk…just focus on my voice,“ Thor pleaded desperately, as he brushed a few strands of hair out of his face, that had stuck to his wet forehead.

From behind him, he heard Amora fumble to get her phone and make an emergency call, but Thor didn’t really listen to her. All that reached his ears, were Loki’s whimpers and his tortured breathing. 

Slowly Thor sank down to the floor together with Loki, gently putting his head down on the carpet. And briefly, Loki’s unfocused eyes met with Thor’s, before his gaze clouded over again.

“Loki, please. Please stay here. Keep listening to me. The ambulance is here soon…just hold on,” Thor whispered frantically, as he reached for Loki’s hand, which was icy and limp. He gave it a tight squeeze but it only twitched in his hold in response. “You’ve got to. Amora, when are they there?”

“Five minutes,” She answered quietly, the cockiness and even her seductive tone had faded away from her voice completely, leaving it blank with horror. 

Beneath his touch, Loki’s body trembled and cramped, and small pained sounds left his throat, like a dying animal, as he twisted in agony. 

“Hurts-“ Loki gasped out and his free hand reached up to claw into his chest. He drew in a deep rattling breath. “I think I took too much- Oh god. Hurts so bad.”

“Not for long. Help is on its way, Loki do you hear me? Nod if you can hear me.”

It took a moment, which stretched out agonizingly in the tension of the situation but finally, Loki gave a quick nod. 

“What did you take?” Thor asked urgently. “Coke?”

When Loki failed to answer, Amora did so in his stead.

“It’s probably some designer drug,” She said gravely. “En Dwi has access to it. Mostly consists of coke. But there are some other things in there as well, I don’t know. I’ve only had it a few times. But I’ll call him. He probably knows.” 

Amora dialled En Dwi’s number and put the phone on speaker. The nerve-grating beeping spread through the empty corridor, further enhancing the sense of tension to the point where it might snap. But suddenly En Dwi’s voice joined them, piercing the silence.

“Hi, my lovely!” The cheery voice came from the phone.

“This is Amora, Loki is-“

“I’m not available right now, please leave a message after the bee-baa-beep!”

The long beeping sound ended what Thor now recognized to be a voicemail and for a few seconds, they all were gravely quiet before Amora spoke up again.

“En Dwi. This is Amora. Loki is having an overdose, on whatever hell-drug you’ve given him! Call me back immediately.” 

She hung up and lowered her phone with a defeated expression. 

“I swear,” Thor said, his voice trembling with rage and fear. “When I get my hands on him-“

He didn’t get to finish his threat, the elevator doors opened, and a team of paramedics hurried out of it, wasting no time to put Loki’s limp and shaking body up on the stretcher. Everything happened so quickly that Thor was still seated on the floor by the time they had closed the straps so that Loki wouldn’t fall off. Only as one of the paramedics began asking questions, Thor got out of his paralyzed state and pushed himself up.

“In your call, you stated that this is a case of an overdose. Are you certain about that?” She asked, her voice firm and sharp enough to cut through the panic and shock.

“Yes,” Thor answered. “He just told us that he used drugs.”

“Did he also tell you what kind of drugs?”

Thor’s and Amora’s eyes briefly met, before she went on to answer the question. 

“Cocaine. Something performance-enhancing…I can’t be sure. It might have been mixed with something else. I’m trying to reach a person that knows what’s in it.”

“You-“ The paramedic pointed at Amora. “You can drive with us in the ambulance. The moment you know more about what he’s taken, you tell us. And you-“ Now her gaze was focused on Thor, who had been staring at Loki, pale and sick on the stretcher. “-you take a taxi to the hospital.”

“Wait- wait, what? I can’t! I have to come with him, he needs me!” Thor argued but the woman wasn’t having any of it.

“What he needs is medical care. And we can’t give that to him if we don’t have enough space in the ambulance. You call a cab and meet us at the hospital. Don’t get any stupid ideas like driving yourself. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re shaking.”

Thor briefly glanced down at his hands, to see that they were indeed trembling.

“B-but-“ Thor didn’t expect to, but suddenly his voice shook and tears blurred his vision. The paramedic sighed and went on in a softer tone.

“My name is Maria. What’s your name?” 

“Thor,” He answered hoarsely and swallowed heavily.

“Thor. We’re doing our best to help him. The best you can do is to let us do our jobs. Trust me on that. You get to see him again as soon as you get to the hospital.”

“Yes,” Thor repeated numbly, even though it was not the slightest comfort to him. Everything was becoming unreal and far away, as they walked towards the elevator, which was large enough to fit all of them inside, Loki in the center, lying on the stretcher, with his face bloodied and pale. The blue on his lips had grown more vibrant and had spread to his fingertips. The only thing real, was Loki's hand which Thor was holding the entire time.

Once the elevator doors opened, they walked quickly through the hall, drawing the attention of the guests, who were gaping at them stupidly, with champagne glasses in their hands, as they passed them by and left the building. 

The ambulance was already waiting for them, quiet but its red and blue lights threw haunted flickering shadows on the surrounding buildings. 

They were about to load Loki into the back of the vehicle when Thor leaned down to place a kiss on his sweat-damp forehead. He was waiting for Loki's eyes to focus on him but they didn't. 

“Loki-“ He choked out. “Loki, I love you. I’ll be with you in a moment. Just hold on. Please.” 

The paramedics didn’t allow them even a second longer, they pulled Loki inside, where Thor could no longer see him. Amora was the last one to step inside and she briefly turned towards Thor.

“I’m sorry,” She told him, shaken yet serious. Thor was probably the wrong person for her to direct her apology at, he didn't even react at all. 

Then the doors of the ambulance were slammed shut and they drove off leaving Thor alone, in front of the opera building, surrounded by expensively dressed, men and women that were trickling out of the building like bees from a hive, to watch the ambulance take off with Loki inside. 

Thor had never felt so utterly helpless in all of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooooo.......in conclusion I can say that pros are Loki's Stuttgart outfit and cons is....everything else? Also, Amora isn't a complete bitch only like 60%, so that's something as well.  
> Don't do drugs kids...
> 
> But please let me know what you think, I always love to hear about your thoughts!


	13. Chapter 13

Thor was thrown back to the time when he was nine and he had fallen off a tree on the schoolyard because he had bet Sif that he could climb higher than her. 

He had fallen six meters, hit his head on a branch on his way down, and wasn’t even awake anymore by the time his body hit the ground.

Only when he woke up at the hospital in the ER, with nurses and Doctors whirring around him, was he presented with the aftermath of his reckless behaviour. A concussion, a broken arm, a sprained leg, and four stitches on the back of his head.

All that, and the doctors still told him that he was lucky. That he was brave for not crying at all.

But the truth was, that he felt neither of those things. How could he be lucky, when his body was a broken mess, flooding his senses with pain and how could he be brave, when he had never been so impossibly scared? 

For the very first time in his short life, he was acutely aware of how tiny and vulnerable he was. He wasn’t the invincible, powerful hero, he had always believed himself to be. In truth, he was nothing but a kid.

A kid with frail bones and tender skin, that broke too easily, surrounded by people larger and older than him, that kept doing things to him, that he couldn’t control or understand. They easily pushed syringes into his arms, and maneuvered his body around, like he was just a ragdoll and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

And just because he found himself unable to cry, they did not realize that he was going crazy with fear.

Thor was sure he’d die from a heart attack, at age nine, in the middle of an emergency room, just because of how scared he was. 

But the relief, when among all the strange faces, he finally recognized his mother, was even more powerful than the fear had been. With her arms closing around him, he finally started crying and Frigga let him, never once mentioning the word bravery to him. 

She was just there. 

She was there, and held his hand and talked to him, while they did the cast on his leg, she distracted him while the doctor did the stitches to close the wound at the back of his neck, she got cacao from the cafeteria and a snickers bar from the vending machine for him to eat, and at night she stayed to read him a story until he was finally able to fall asleep in the hospital bed.

Of course, once his body healed, and his friends came to visit, he buried the memories of weakness and fear deep within himself. He boasted with his injuries and let everyone sign his cast. And the fact that a fence was built around the particular tree he had fallen from, gave him the rank of a legend among the students, further inflating his ego.

He had told this story thousand times over since it happened, mostly with a beer in his hand, surrounded by friends, like one would tell stories of a glorious battle.   
And everyone would laugh with him, and marvel at the bravery he most definitely did not possess in these moments. 

But he purposefully left out the part, where he was scared for his life in the ER, suppressed the memory until it was merely a weak shadow and ultimately, he almost forgot about it. However the truth couldn’t be denied, that even later in his adult life he had never been as truly and thoroughly afraid, as he did in those moments in the emergency room, with all the mechanic noises, strange people, and medical smells hanging in the air.

Except for now. 

Once more the smell of disinfectant and medication crept into his nose and stuck there, but this time around the fear that came alongside the smell wasn’t meant for himself. He was scared about what was happening to Loki. He was scared of not knowing, and of all the things that _could_ be happening right now.

He could be in critical condition right now. He could have had a heart attack. All those things he didn’t know for sure, but he knew that Loki was completely and utterly alone, surrounded only by strangers while fighting for his life.

“Thor, calm down,” Amora told him, her voice flat and tired. “They won’t let you in, no matter how often you’ll pace back and forth. Sit down. Drink some coffee.”

“They said that I’d see him once I get here,” Thor growled, worry and a sense of betrayal had morphed into anger, during the two hours they had spent in the hospitals waiting-lounge. 

Thor just turned around on his heels once more, when he made it to the other end of the waiting room for the hundredth time by now. His shoes, his fucking Yves Saint Laurent shoes, were squeaking on the linoleum floor and the neon lights filled the air with a nerve grating buzzing, which was slowly driving Thor crazy.

His hands were already balled into tight fists and the mockingly white, neutral walls looked so damn punchable. But he reigned himself in. He didn’t want to be asked to leave altogether, so he kept the seething rage inside, where it felt like acid, burning him from within.

“They did so to make you shut up and do as you’re told,” Amora sighed as she took a sip from her coffee. Her disgusted expression at tasting the watery and slightly bitter hospital coffee reminded Thor so much of Loki and the thought just made him want to break down and cry. 

“You’re not used to being pushed around, are you?” She questioned, with a raised brow.

“He’s in there alone!”

“We’re not relatives of his. We’re not even entitled to information about his medical state. They literally can’t give us anything,” Amora looked at Thor, exasperated at his lack of reason. But while he must be seeming too emotional and uncontrolled to her, Thor couldn’t understand how she could be so damned cold and seemingly unphased.

She and Loki were friends. Weren’t they?

“Perhaps you should just go home,” She said, after a brief pause, and that made Thor stop in the middle of the room to stare at her.

“Me? And you’re going to stay?” Thor asked incredulously. 

“En Dwi said he’ll be here in about an hour,” Amora began carefully and a growl left Thor’s chest, which made her raise her brows. “And I don’t think you should be meeting him tonight. It’ll get too messy.”

“He got Loki hooked on drugs!” Thor shouted, unable to compose himself. He was supposed to leave, to make room for Loki’s abuser? No way. He would fight to be here if he had to, he would do anything to-

“Lower your voice,” Amora hissed and brought up one perfectly manicured finger to massage her temple. “See? You can’t pull yourself together at all. What’s the plan? Punch him in the face? Great idea, I bet Loki will absolutely love that. Just…go home.”

“No way,” Thor sat down on a squeaky hospital chair, opposite from Amora. He planted his feet on the ground and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ll be here. I need to be, because what if he-“

“He won’t die,” Amora interrupted, her lips twitched, like Thor’s worry was amusing to her.

Thor flinched when she said it like that. He had intended to say ‘what if he needs me’ but Amora had picked his darkest fears from the abyss of his mind and just threw it on the stained linoleum floor between them, without a second thought.

“How can you be so sure about that?” Thor questioned, his voice a broken whisper. He swallowed heavily. He couldn’t just start crying. The moment he’d give that all-consuming fear a sliver of control, it would wrestle him down, push him to the ground. And who knew when he’d be ready to get up again.

“I’ve seen a few overdoses in my life. Experienced one or two myself. With the way everyone reacted, Loki is going to be fine,” Amora assured, her voice cold enough to make Thor shiver. How did Loki survive in this world, in which even his friends couldn’t offer the least bit of warmth? 

“Go home,” She repeated. “Get some rest. It’s the best place you can be right now.”

Thor scoffed and shook his head, as he looked up into the burning ceiling lights for a few seconds. He needed a moment to make sure his voice wouldn’t crack when he spoke up.

But it wasn’t enough. When he did speak, it broke all the same.

“You guys are pretty fucked up. Anybody ever tell you that?” 

A dry laugh emerged from Amora’s pretty, full lips, as she leaned back in her chair.

“Every now and again, yes. It’s a live fast die young kind of world. That might be important for you to know when trying to understand Loki. I don’t think he sees anything ahead for himself after the ripe old age of maybe twenty-seven or so,” Amora let out a sigh, that gave away how truly exhausted she must be. 

“But you do?” Thor asked. 

“Me? Of course,” Amora laughed lightly. “The world isn’t going to get rid of me so quickly, I intend to have a lot more champagne, be invited to more fashion shows, and do a lot more shopping, before I quit. There are facelifts and Botox around. And I don’t care as much as Loki does about appearances,” She seemed to hesitate then. “But perhaps with you around that might change.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Thor frowned. He couldn’t determine whether or not she had just insulted him. But quite honestly, he didn’t care that much either.

Amora lifted her hands calmingly and went on to explain.

“Don’t get me wrong. But you’re a nobody in the industry. The fact that Loki did anything more than to give you a fleeting glance, let alone invite you to an event like the last one- it means he is going through changes. And I can’t wait to see how that plays out.”

Thor let his head drop against the wall behind him with a dull sound.

“I just want him to have the chance to be who he wants to be. You get me?” Thor asked, sudden desperation creeping into his voice. What if Loki wouldn’t be granted the time to go through the changes Amora predicted? “There is so much he could do and be…I just want him to have the choice. For once.”

“He will,” Amora said, sounding just mildly annoyed. “Close your eyes for a bit, Thor. I promise I’ll wake you if anything happens.”

“I shouldn’t…” Thor mumbled, but he did as he was told, nonetheless.

Somehow Thor was certain that Amora’s promises weren’t worth much. But he was drained by worry and her softly spoken words were all the excuse it took for Thor to close his eyes. He was cautious not to fall asleep though, in fear of missing anything. 

But at one point, he must have lost the fight, because to his shock, he was roused from an uneasy sleep, by two bickering voices.

“-do you think, of course, they asked me!” It was distant but doubtlessly the same voice that had eased him into sleep, that now made him stir again. Amora was hissing like a cat, quiet yet sharp.

“Oh sweetheart, ha. Don’t pretend like that little, uh, lie took away your moral integrity,” The person that answered her was speaking in a soft tone, sounding somewhat diffused, giving the pretense of confusion or even stupidity. But Thor wasn’t fooled by it. He could tell that there was a slow, heavy poison within. 

He opened his eyes and blinked, to see two figures standing in the otherwise empty corridor, hardly recognizable in the cold and blindingly bright hospital lights.

“What lie?” He asked, his voice still rough with sleep, as he blinked against the harsh light, trying and failing to catch a look at the stranger talking to Amora. 

“Look, Mister Handsome woke up!” A clapping sound pierced the silence of the hospital and the taller of the two figures approached him, Amora following him reluctantly. And all of a sudden, a tan hand, overfull with jewelry was stretched out for him to shake. “Hi, hi I’m En Dwi. It’s just…amazing to meet you. Despite the circumstances of course. Lo-Lo’s latest obsession I hear? Ha, it’s a wonder we haven’t really…gotten the chance to meet yet?”

“You…” Thor growled, unimpressed by the man’s rambling. His body grew tense like he was anticipating a fight. The need to punch that unnerving grin off this man’s face was _physical_ and there were only very few reasons that effectively held him back. 

One of them being, that it would upset Loki.

“Me? Gee, you sound kinda-“

“This is all your fault!” Thor roared unexpectedly, as he slapped En Dwi’s hand away and got up out of his chair. But they were interrupted when a door down the corridor opened and a nurse stepped out. 

“Quiet!” The woman spoke with a low but determined voice, effectively shutting them up. “Keep it together or have your fight outside. It’s three am and our patients need rest.”

“Sorry,” Thor replied awkwardly, his anger momentarily dulled by the embarrassment of having been chastised.

The nurse shook her head, making it clear that she thought of them as complete morons before she closed the door behind her once more.

“Fastest way to get kicked out of a hospital,” Amora hissed. “Is that really the way you want to play this? Fucking genius.”

“You, huh, you gotta agree with Amora there, big guy,” En Dwi had lifted his hands in a mock-innocent pose, that only worked to further infuriate Thor. “We’re all here because of Loki. Doesn’t that unite us?” He flashed Thor a bright grin, but when that wouldn’t make the grim expression disappear from Thor’s face, he went on.

“So, uh, you want to see Loki?”

“Are you mocking me?!” Thor growled, which made Amora roll her eyes, as she threw up her arms in frustration and turned her back on them, with an angry scoff. 

But Thor was paying no mind to her. 

He was looking back at En Dwi, who albeit skinny as a stick, was about as tall as himself and completely unbothered by Thor’s barely concealed rage.

Not just that. He seemed to be untouched by the entire situation altogether, no trace of a human emotion flickered across his tan face, his grey eyes were accentuated with a flashy turquoise eyeliner along his lower lash line but that took nothing away from the cold and emptiness Thor saw when he was looking into them. 

En Dwi must be perfectly aware that Thor wasn’t allowed to visit Loki and used it to provoke him. 

“No! No, geez Thor, we’re…we’re on the same team,” En Dwi argued sounding comically surprised at Thor’s accusation.

“I highly doubt that.”

“Uhm, yes, we are? Team Loki! Yay!” En Dwi’s cheery demeanour didn’t match the current situation at all, a fact that he seemed to be completely unaware of. “Well, anyway, you didn’t answer my question? Do you want to see Loki? Yes or no?”

“Of course, I do, what a stupid question!” Thor had unknowingly raised his voice again but Amora’s annoyed scoff reminded him of where they were, and his gaze flicked nervously towards the door of the nurse’s room. 

But it remained closed and he sighed before he focused his attention on En Dwi once more, who spoke up once more.

“Sucks that only relatives are allowed in, huh? Kind of…doesn’t make any sense. Not to me at least,” En Dwi shrugged his shoulders before he went on. “But I’m sorta…well we’re not related or so, but I took on his guardianship when he was a kid. Which allows me to visit him at ICU.”

And that was the first thing that En Dwi said that actually made Thor listen up. His hands, that had been balled into tight fists, relaxed a little, as he took in what he had just heard.

“You could…”

“Yes, I can get you in,” En Dwi seemed to know exactly, that he had Thor now because his cold eyes came alive with a bright flicker. “See? Same team after all. Well, that is if I can be certain you’re not going to…ehm…lose control of your temper. You know, ha, I’d say Loki’s heart is pretty weak right now. Wouldn’t do him any good to get upset.”

Maybe if Thor wasn’t so hot-headed, if he wasn’t so blinded by worry, and anger and love, he would have questioned why En Dwi would decide to do him a favour like that.

But the longing to see Loki, was so big that Thor didn’t think ahead, as he so often failed to do. 

“Yes, yes of course,” Thor agreed, slightly breathless. “I just want to see him.”

“Cool. Okay cool, visitation times they don’t…they’re not as strict with generous donors like myself,” En Dwi shrugged his shoulders with a pleased little smile. “But there’s still a few minutes before we can go in so…yeah. We’ll have to wait a bit. Which might just be enough time to…to discuss a few things with you?”

“Discuss what?” Thor’s suspicion came a moment too late, he realized, but he had been drawn in by En Dwi’s offer that would allow him to visit Loki, and had briefly forgotten the first thing he had ever learned about En Dwi’s character: he was a piece of shit.

En Dwi took a seat and gestured for Thor to sit down as well, which he did after a moment of hesitation. 

“So, uhm, the media. Have you ever had anything to do with journalists?”

“No…not really,” Thor admitted quietly, his brows furrowed as he tried to determine what En Dwi was aiming for. 

“They’re…not nice people, to say the least,” En Dwi explained and the dry chuckle from Amora seemed to show her agreement with that statement. “Writing really mean things. Which is…why Loki didn’t have an overdose.”

“What?” Thor asked, as his brows drew together in a puzzled frown. “But he-“

“He had a sudden fit of weakness,” En Dwi raised his shoulders. “He’s been under a lot of pressure lately and it got to him…but he’s taking a bit of time to recover and will be good as new in just a few short weeks.”

“Wait, that’s not-“ Thor tried, but Amora interrupted him.

“I’ve already made a statement supporting En Dwi’s story,” She said, her tone cool, not betraying any emotions, as she toyed with the gold rings around her wrists. “They’d slander him. The rumours will be bad enough, even with this official story being issued.”

“It’s to keep his uh, reputation intact,” En Dwi added, with a smile, that made Thor want to punch his teeth out.

Thor’s hands formed into fists so tight that it hurt.

“Convenient that it helps your reputation stay intact too,” He pressed out.

“Sure huh, well now that you mention it…positive side effect. But what’s so wrong about killing two birds with one stone?”

“You got him addicted, you poisoned him!” Thor argued. “And now you’ll get away! Just like you always did. Have you ever been held accountable for anything?”

“Well, gee, those are some accusations, Amora did you hear that?” En Dwi looked over at Amora expectantly but she kept her gaze fixed on her phone and only briefly shook her head to show that she had no interest in joining this conversation. “So, uh, what was I going to say…yes, well Loki…he loves this. The uh…the work. You’ve seen him. I never _forced_ him to take anything. I just offered it at some point, because he had the- the ambition to go further.”

“You gave drugs to a minor and you try to justify it by saying it’s what he wanted?! Are you fucking out of your mind?!” Thor could not believe what he heard but En Dwi gestured for him to calm down.

“Huh, weird, I get asked that a lot,” En Dwi chuckled and shook his head. “But anyways…let’s not lose sight of the main point. Which is that the best thing we can do for Loki, is to give him some…some cover from the paparazzi. Just…you don’t even need to lie big guy. I can see it in your eyes, you’re the honest type of person, which is…amazing, I love honest people, they’re so rare. Uhm, what was I saying? Yes, just…just don’t disagree with the narrative we’ve been going for. You see- the moment you make any kind of statement, they’ll want to know who you are. And I can’t imagine Loki would want anyone to know about his little…hobby.”

“Hobby?” Amora, who had looked up from her phone, asked. Even in a situation as grave as this one, her sense for gossip didn’t fail her.

“That’s…that’s between me and the big guy,” En Dwi winked knowingly as he nudged Thor with his elbow.

And as much as Thor would like to disagree, as much as he wanted En Dwi to be held accountable for his crimes, Thor found that he was completely helpless. En Dwi was right. If the media were to be given the information that Loki had overdosed and if that information was supplied by a professional Dom…it could very well be Loki’s downfall.

And maybe even the end of their relationship altogether. 

And Thor simply couldn’t risk that, even if that meant that he would aid En Dwi in getting away like he always had. 

“I really fucking hate you,” Thor whispered, his voice albeit quiet was crackling with anger.

“He- Amora did you hear that! Blunt and honest. I like him. Love him. He’s amazing, I can just- I can really see why Loki’s so into you,” En Dwi said, seemingly completely oblivious to the fact, that the person beside him was contemplating his murder right this second. “And of course, that look of yours. Wow. Just wow. If you were a few years younger, I would be begging you to sign a modelling contract for me. You just bring that Viking vibe. I’m loving it.”

“Shut up,” Thor growled.

“No for real. You could do great. Who knows- you look pretty good for your age. I could probably get you some promising jobs even now, it might be really…really worthwhile,” En Dwi offered. “You could just give it a shot. There’s actually this shoot next week that would be-“

“Shut up!” Thor repeated, his voice dripping in disgust as he looked over at En Dwi, the way one looked at rotten food. “You’re sickening. Absolutely sickening.”

“Can you believe this? I make him the offer of a lifetime and he keeps saying such mean things to me. You know- you could have just said- uh, no? Quicker and less…rude.”

“I don’t give a fuck about being-“

“Mister Gast?”

“Yes, darling?” En Dwi turned around to a nurse, who appeared so thoroughly done, that she didn’t even seem annoyed with the aggravating and obnoxious group of people she was forced to deal with.

“Mister Laufeyson is up and able to talk. Though as a medical professional I would recommend you wait until tomorrow to-“

“No, no, we- we’ll go now. It’s better. Loki, uh, I think he really wants to see us.”

“I think he needs rest more than anything,” The nurse said, her lips twisting into a bitter expression. “If it were for me, all of you would have been sent away already. But I’m not being given much of a choice in that matter. However, if you give me any reason to, I will gladly enforce the rules of this hospital.”

“Wow, good to know that…that Loki’s in the hands of such upstanding people. Impressive. My respect is…can't even be put it into words. But uh…we really, really want to go see him now, if you don’t mind. The big guy is coming with me.”

“That’s what I thought,” The nurse sounded less than thrilled and Thor lowered his shoulders and offered her an awkward little smile, in the futile attempt, to appear less threatening, or at least less like a total asshole.

“Follow me then. You have half an hour, not one minute more, keep that in mind,” She told them, as she went ahead to lead the way to Loki’s room. En Dwi turned towards Thor and gave him a conspiratorial wink, that Thor wasn’t sure how to interpret.

He just knew, that he really hated feeling like he and En Dwi were on the same side.

The nurse knocked and a second later she opened the door. Just a crack, not allowing Thor or En Dwi a glimpse inside.

“Mister Laufeyson? Here are some people, that are very insistent on wanting to see you,” She spoke into the room and her tone was unmistakably softer than it had been when she was talking to them. “If you want them to leave, or if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call us.”

The answer wasn’t audible to Thor, but the nurse stepped aside and opened the door wider. 

“Half an hour,” She told them sternly before they entered the room. And once Thor stepped in behind En Dwi and caught the first look of Loki, his heart almost stopped.

Loki looked truly pitiful, with the way he was lying in the hospital bed. He looked even smaller and paler than he usually did, his skin almost as white as the sheets he was bedded in. He seemed to almost disappear in the linen if it wasn’t for his black hair and the sickly colours staining his face, which made him stand out. Thin plastic tubes were sticking out from his nose, as well as his skinny arm, attaching him to machines and an IV drip. Loki's eyes that used to be a brilliant, clear green were bloodshot and weary with dark purple shadows beneath them, but they lit up by the tiniest fraction when he saw them enter the room.

“You’re here…” Loki whispered, faint and scratchy, as he attempted to push himself up a little.

His gaze was so dull and diffused, that Thor couldn’t determine, whether Loki was talking to him, or to En Dwi, but trying to figure it out, he missed the opportunity to be the first one to answer.

“Of course, I’m here!” En Dwi had already made his way to Loki’s side and gave him a kiss on the cheek, which Loki melted into with such natural ease, closing his eyes and tilting his head towards the older man. The obvious familiarity between them hit Thor like a brick wall and a sick feeling twisted in his stomach.

The fact that En Dwi and Loki were close, shouldn’t come as the least bit of a surprise to him. But seeing them together for the very first time, after finding out exactly what kind of person En Dwi was, pulled the rug from beneath Thor’s feet.

Whatever was between Thor and Loki, it was a tiny seedling, precious but small and vulnerable. While the connection to En Dwi had had time and room to grow, creating a deep web of roots that couldn’t simply be ripped out in one go. Not without tearing out a part of Loki’s soul in the process. 

“I thought…I thought London was important?” Loki croaked, his gaze only briefly flickering in Thor’s direction before it settled on En Dwi, who was holding his frail hand in his own.

“Oh baby, not more important than you! Do you think I wouldn’t be there for you when you need me? Have I- have I ever done that to you?”

“No…no of course not…” Loki dropped his head back on the pillows, too exhausted to keep holding up the weight of it. “I just- Sorry for interrupting.”

“My sweetheart, don’t be-“ En Dwi reached out to wipe away a strand of hair that had stuck to Loki’s forehead from his face. “Don’t you even worry about it.”

Thor felt sick watching and listening to them. Worse yet, he felt like he was _intruding_ on an intimate moment, that he was no part of.

“Loki?” Thor asked roughly, as he pulled up a chair to sit down on Loki’s other side. He cringed at his own voice, in the silent room. It sounded wrong with the way both En Dwi and Loki were looking back at him, while they were holding hands. He cleared his throat but held Loki’s gaze, determined to stand his ground. “How are you?”

“I’m…okay,” Loki croaked. “But- uh. My- the doctor he said, my septum is…there’s a hole in it. From the drugs,” Loki sucked in a wet breath and pressed his hand tightly against his lips, while tears filled his dull eyes. “He said my nose will…erode if I don’t stop. He doesn't know if the damage- it might be irreversible. And- I don’t know what to do. I’ll be- oh god.”

The possibility of anything happening to his face seemed to be too terrible for Loki to even say out loud but a thin wail, left his throat, as he pressed his palm more tightly over his mouth. All Thor wanted to do, was to reach out to Loki and hold him, but En Dwi’s presence, as well as the thin tubes connected to Loki’s skinny arms, held him back.

“Loki I-“ 

“Baby, you don’t need to worry about that!” En Dwi interrupted. He reached out and a thumb, with a turquoise fingernail at its tip, wiped away a stray tear from Loki’s cheek. “I know this really great surgeon. He’s been doing nothing but rhinoplasty for twenty years. And he's, heh, he's been dealing with similar issues. He’ll fix your nose, no problem. And while he’s at it, he might be able to remove that little bump on the bridge of your nose that we wanted gone? And maybe narrow the tip of your nose down a little bit too. It’s a little- ha- what did that one photographer say? Looks like a potato. You’ll come back looking even prettier. How does that sound?”

Loki didn’t verbally answer, he just nodded, as the tears still dripped from his eyes, like from a broken faucet.

But after the split second, it took for Thor to process what he just heard, the anger, fear and frustration that had built up so far, all culminated and reached the critical point, that made him see red. 

He got up so suddenly, that he made the hospital chair lose its balance and fall on the floor, with a jarring sound, that made Loki flinch and En Dwi lift his brows.

“You are trying to convince Loki to get a nosejob?!” Thor growled. He could barely even hear his own voice, above the raging static in his ears. It reminded him of the sound, right after a heavy wave pushed your head underwater, and you could hear a thousand grains of sand clicking against each other underwater, as the ocean pulled back to form another wave, more violent than the last before you even got the chance to get your head above the surface.

En Dwi’s lips moved, but what was doubtlessly a bullshit excuse was lost in the static as well.

“He could have died! And you- you miserable piece of filth, use this situation to shape him the way you want to!” Thor roared and all of a sudden, he was right in front of En Dwi, his fists closing around the expensive velvet of his jacket, to drag him up. 

But the man looked up at Thor like this was just a slightly embarrassing incident.

“Well, there, someone’s uh- really determined to focus on the negative.”

Thor’s blood was boiling in his veins. His fist was raised threateningly and trembling with tension, ready to be released, but as he looked over at Loki, wide-eyed and pale in his hospital bed, Thor was struck by guilt, strong enough to cut right through the anger and pierce his heart. He would have let go, an apology already on his lips if it hadn’t been for what En Dwi said next.

“And uh- it’s not like- like you can’t deny that Loki’s nose couldn’t use a little fixing.”

Thor’s fist connected with En Dwi’s jaw so violently, that it made his head snap to the side. The only thing that kept the man from falling over, was Thor’s hold on the fabric of his jacket. Before he could recover, Thor raised his fist to strike En Dwi again, this time making his lip split with the impact.

And Thor would have hit him again. But he was pulled out of his blind rage, by erratic beeping and Loki’s shrill voice, calling his name. 

“-op! Stop, Thor!” Loki had pushed himself up in his hospital bed, livid with panic. His exhausted eyes were wide and frantic, the monitor next to him was beeping erratically, to display the rapid beating of his heart. 

And suddenly the burning hot rage that was scorching Thor from within, ever since he was forbidden from seeing Loki once he got to the hospital, was extinguished by the rising flood of icy cold water, as he became aware of the harsh reality around him. 

He lowered his bloodied fist and swallowed heavily.

His gaze was still fixed on Loki’s distressed face, as his lips twitched to formulate a clumsy excuse, but he was interrupted by the door being slammed open. 

No knocking this time around. 

The nurse who had allowed them in was standing in the doorframe and Thor’s heart sank, when he realized that the two people standing behind her, were security. 

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” She began coldly, every trace of understanding or reluctant agreement had disappeared from her voice. 

“B-but I-“ Thor stammered as he finally let go of En Dwi, who stumbled against a wall but kept himself upright.

“Just do as the nice lady told you to,” En Dwi’s fingers were hovering over his bruised jaw, his split lip. But the shadow of an infuriating smile was still on his face. “You- uh. You really don’t need to make this any worse.”

“I was speaking in the plural,” The nurse informed and stepped aside to clear the way out of the door. “Both of you are banned from visiting the ICU. And your donations, albeit generous, won’t do anything to change my mind about that Mister Gast. You may seek medical attention downstairs. But I’m asking you to leave now, or else there will be legal consequences.”

“But Loki,” Thor’s gaze flickered over towards Loki, who appeared as shocked as him and En Dwi. In fact, the shock seemed to be the only thing keeping his exhausted body upright. But the tremors going through him, like gusts of wind rippling a lake’s surface, showed just how weak Loki was.

“Mister Laufeyson is within our care. And it’s not a stretch to say, that you’ve proved that right now, he’s better off, without people having fistfights at his bedside. I won’t repeat myself. Leave. Now.”

“I’m so sorry Loki,” Thor whispered the beginnings of growing guilt laced in those useless words. They were too small, too insignificant, to express what Thor wanted to. And for a moment, he just looked back at Loki, hoping to find something there- forgiveness maybe. Or just understanding. Or a sign that he was going to be alright. 

But the only thing Thor saw in Loki’s eyes was bottomless exhaustion and an unsurprised disappointment, before he looked away from both of them, his body still shivering, as he and En Dwi left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait, I was so stoked to keep writing but the right words simply wouldn't come to me, when I wanted them to...I hope the chapter was worth the wait for, I believe a lot of you have been waiting for En Dwi to get smacked in the face. But...maybe not like that. Sorry?
> 
> I'm really curious to know what you think!


	14. Chapter 14

“You’re lucky you slept through the first twelve hours of withdrawal that’s usually the worst part,” The nurse, took away the empty tray in front of Loki and smiled encouragingly at him.

Loki only scoffed.

The thing was, that Loki didn’t feel very lucky at all. Much rather he felt like he had finally reached the bottom of the pit, and even though around him everything was bright, with the sun flooding the room and reflecting off of the white walls and clean sheets like it would from freshly fallen snow, Loki himself felt lost in darkness.

His thoughts, that usually moved quickly and with a sharp precision were sluggishly slow and dark in nature, lazily circling round and round, continuously passing the same depressing spots, without ever achieving anything. 

“You want me to bring you anything else?” The nurse offered, as he briefly checked the IV drip connected to Loki’s arm.

“…I’ve emptied the entire tray,” Loki whispered, his voice betraying the disgust he held for himself. 

But the nurse only sighed, as he looked back at Loki, his eyes soft with pity, which only made Loki feel like retching.

The show had been three days ago now and within those days, all he had done was sleep and eat. At first, his portion sizes were limited, to reduce the strain it put on his heart, but as he stabilized, he was encouraged to eat- and for some reason, he was incapable of resisting. 

He felt hungry almost permanently and the feeling was so unfamiliar that it was genuinely frightening him at times, the way it haunted him, controlled him. His discipline and with it, his integrity was worn down.

The fact that the hospital food was genuinely disgusting, did nothing to slow down his appetite, and made the shame stick to him all the worse, like tar.

“You know, it’s normal during withdrawal,” The nurse, a man in his mid-thirties, pointed out. “Cocaine messes with your appetite. While you take it, you practically mute your body’s natural feeling for hunger. So now, coming down from it, your appetite will increase, before you can reach some semblance of balance again. And your body could use some extra nutrients. You’re pretty underweight, you know?”

“I’m not,” Loki glared at the nurse, though it probably didn’t look very intimidating, with how weak and miserable he looked, still.

“Uhm, yes you are? From a professional, medical point of view, your body shows clear signs of malnutrition. So, if you want a second breakfast, I’m all for it.”

For a moment Loki genuinely considered accepting the offer. His stomach rumbled in excitement at the idea, but he stoically pressed his lips together and shook his head.

“No thanks,” He said, willing his voice to remain cold and steady. “You can go now.”

“If you need me to I can-“

“No!” Loki hissed, all of a sudden there was a sharp edge in his voice, as Loki’s patience finally reached its limit. But even that small outburst took more energy from him than he had expected and the next words he spoke were quiet and beat-down once more. “Just go.”

Behind him, he could hear the door opening and closing, as the nurse left the room, without another word. And after he spent a few minutes, gathering his strength, emptily staring out of the window, he picked up his phone from the nightstand.

His brain might have slowed down enough to rival a sloth, without his regular doses of cocaine, but he had still been smart enough, to not open any of the numerous messages he received. It was better, to pretend like he didn’t have access to his phone, or like he was doing so poorly, that he was incapable of answering any messages.

And in a way, that was even true. The mere thought of having to respond to the dozens of messages, he received, made him want to close his eyes and go back to sleep.

But that didn’t mean, that he didn’t read those messages. Over and over again. 

Changing some settings on his phone, and using airplane mode, whenever the app was opened, made sure that his messages appeared unread, even after he had opened them, which gave Loki a sense of safety and control, like he was hidden somewhere high up, from where he could see everything unfolding beneath him, without anyone being able to spot him.

Most messages came from colleagues and some designers, who asked about his health and told him that they hoped he would return soon, but their words, albeit kind, were shallow and meaningless. Rooted in a professional necessity, to build and maintain certain relationships, rather than genuine concern about his state.

But there were some exceptions. Very few in comparison to the sheer flood of generic messages he received, but they stood out all the more.

For one, there were En Dwi’s messages. 

Despite his brief, staccato style of texting, the emotions he wanted to get across, were always clearly distinguishable. 

It was odd really, Loki thought, as he scrolled through the messages En Dwi had sent in the past few days, but En Dwi’s emotions always reminded him of candy. Like candy that loosely mimicked the taste of real fruit, En Dwi was _mimicking_ real emotions, turning them into something over-the-top and intense but also quite artificial, with a sickly aftertaste.

_Hey Kiki-baby! How r u? Stupid hospital staff :((( Miss u EDG_

_Hope u broke up with ur bf. Danger to society lmaooo xD U ok tho? EDG_

_Need u to call me. For business. ^^’ EDG_

_If they took ur phone I’ll sue them. EDG_

_That rhinoplasty doctor has a waiting list, you dumdum! Call me, or ur nose might stay ugly EDG_

_Don’t get fat on hospital food bby. I’ll take u out to dinner when ur back ;) EDG_

_Call me. EDG_

_I’ll be in NYC. Morgan says hi!!!! EDG_

_Gave ur Dior job to sbd else. Sorry boo :((((((((((( EDG_

_Another job lost……tryna fight for u out here! EDG_

And then there was the latest message, sent only last night, while Loki had been sleeping.

_Don’t look on Insta! Sbd posted a pic of u as Voldemort. Cuz of the nose. I’ll take it down but it’s a little funny tho. Love u <3<3 EDG_

Loki had to put the phone down on his lap because his fingers had started trembling too badly for him to keep holding on to it. It was another effect of the withdrawal- or so he told himself.

En Dwi’s messages were meant to make him anxious and desperate. He knew the man for long enough to recognize his manipulations. But that didn’t mean, that they didn’t still have their intended effect on Loki.

With every new message, Loki grew more anxious and closer to responding, to apologizing, to trying to get things right again, just like En Dwi doubtlessly wanted him to. 

But he genuinely didn’t want to disappoint En Dwi. Not after he had interrupted his project in London and taken the first flight to come visit him in hospital. And especially not, when the price he got for it, was to get beaten by Thor- for which Loki felt directly responsible.

And if it hadn’t been for Amora’s message, he would have answered days ago, rather than to pretend, that he didn’t have access to his phone. 

_Hey Loki, I hope you are doing well? Or at least well considering the circumstances. See, at least my attempts at giving our friendship another go, saved your life. Wouldn’t have done you any good if you had been on that balcony all alone, waiting for Thor, who would have taken another ten minutes to find you. Maybe it’s a hint from above that we should be friends again? <3_

_Anyways._

_I’m not even awaiting your response, I’ll do what a friend would do in this situation right away and tell you that En Dwi is messing with you. He’s lying about giving away your jobs, to make you nervous. And that’s because he’s getting really really anxious himself. He feels like you’re slipping away from him, and you got dirt on him._

_So, if you want to get some distance, don’t let him bother you. He’s just growing desperate._

_And if you’re curious about why he hasn’t been able to buy his way into the hospital again, or why you haven’t had two dozen interviews already…let’s just say the hospital acquired a new incredibly generous donor very recently and it encourages them to stick to their safety protocols ;)_

_I hope you’re okay. Please answer me, when you can. -Amora_

Loki had switched between these two chats a few times already, reading both over and over again, comparing them. Amora most definitely wasn’t very high up on his list of trustworthy people- but she had no reason to lie to him. Not while genuinely attempting to make things right between them again.

And when asking himself, whether En Dwi would be lying to him, it felt like childish, wishful thinking, when he told himself that no, he wouldn’t.

It wasn’t that Loki believed that En Dwi wouldn’t take advantage of him. That he wouldn’t hurt him, or lie to him, but Loki built his entire life on believing, that despite all of it, En Dwi still loved him. 

That staying with him was the best shot he had at life.

Loki remembered, when he left Iceland for the very first time, to accompany En Dwi to Paris.

He had been alone in the flat he lived in with his father and his brothers, waiting for the cab to pick him up. Laufey needed to go to work and Helblindi and Byleistr were already on their way to school. None of them had the time to drop him off at the airport, with the morning being as hectic as always. Laufey was annoyed and withdrawn as usual and they left, in a hurry without making a big deal.

_‘See you later Loki. Don’t mess things up.’_

But it _was_ a big deal to Loki. He was scared. Worried that he would get lost in the big world that he would now be cast into. 

That he’d find, that it wasn’t just Reykjavik, where he didn’t fit in, but that there was no place on earth, where he would belong. Because his very existence was a mistake and he couldn’t make it right. And it wouldn’t matter where he went or what he did, he would never belong.

Loki spent a few hours alone in the flat, a nervous wreck, though it wasn’t very apparent from an outside perspective. He sat motionlessly in front of the TV, his eyes glued to the screen, without processing any of the flickering images in front of him. 

Instead of breakfast, he ate an entire bar of chocolate, to soothe his anxiety, but it only made him feel sick and even more nervous.

At one point the doorbell rang, and Loki turned off the TV, immediately forgetting what he had been watching, as he took his suitcase and hauled it downstairs by himself. His movements were automatic, and his panic had turned into apathy. 

A taxi with tinted windows stood right in front of the door and the driver walked up to him, offering to help him with the luggage, but Loki only snapped at him in response. 

After he had stubbornly put the suitcase in the car by himself, he walked up to open the backdoor and froze, when he caught his first look inside.

En Dwi was sitting in the back of the car. Smiling at him.

It was the first smile Loki has seen that day.

As it turned out, En Dwi had made sure that his flight from New York had a stopover in Reykjavik, just so that he could pick Loki up and they could fly to Paris together.

Loki had never expected that anyone would do this for him, especially someone as important and busy as En Dwi. But here they were and all of a sudden, completely unexpectedly, Loki was no longer alone. He had someone telling him jokes and stories on their drive to the airport, explaining to him how to get through customs, and someone who bought him a silk sleeping mask in the airport's duty-free area.

_‘You’ll be flying so much now. It’ll pay off, trust me darling.’_

They sat next to one another on the airplane, Loki practically glued to the window for the entire time. It was the first flight he had ever been on and he watched transfixed as Reykjavik, as all of Iceland turned small and meaningless beneath them until it disappeared completely from sight, swallowed up by the clouds they were flying through. Behind them, the sky was bright blue and the previously grey clouds were white and fluffy beneath them.

_‘It’s always sunny up here. No bad days here,’_ En Dwi had said. _‘Loki- trust me your life has only just begun.’_

And in the next few days, it certainly felt that way. 

The suitcase full of hand-down clothes from his brothers’ was emptied, its content was thrown carelessly into the trash, and was instead filled by treasures that En Dwi generously bestowed upon him, on their shopping sprees, in Paris’ finest boutiques, all while praising him for his excellent taste, whenever Loki selected something.

And in the evening, he took him to parties and introduced him to people, that all seemed so excited to meet him. Amazed by his charm, his manners, his wit. 

He was offered champagne, and when he hesitantly refused, stating that he was too young, everyone only started laughing and urged him to take it.

_‘Life is short. Too short not to accept offered champagne.’_

He quickly caught on after that.

Here, surrounded by adults, who talked to him seriously, gave him wine and champagne to drink, he felt incredibly mature. All the bullying back in school was suddenly meaningless and petty. 

Here were people that actually mattered, and they thought he was amazing. Suddenly the fact that a fourteen-year-old named Olaf, called him an ugly troll was nothing but laughable. And it almost didn’t hurt anymore when he thought about it.

But what did hurt, was when Laufey didn’t pick up his phone, after Loki had been away from home for two nights already. In a wave of homesickness, he had called four times and left two messages on the mailbox, before he gave up.

When En Dwi found him on the balcony, he was bawling his eyes out, all while Paris was glistening and twinkling in the darkness beneath him. The city no longer seemed inviting and enticing to him- he just wanted to go home, all while knowing that there was no such thing for him.

_‘Don’t be sad,’_ En Dwi soothed Loki. _‘Here. Come on, try this. Makes you feel better in just a bit. He doesn’t deserve you crying over him- you’ve got me now.’_

It was that night, that Loki found out about the wonder of pot brownies. 

Just an hour later, his tears were dried and they were laughing uncontrollably over some silly jokes, while everything seemed to have turned brighter, better, more hopeful around him. The bottle of champagne that En Dwi had brought along as well was emptied over the course of the night and Loki’s glass was continuously refilled for as long, as they talked.

And once it was empty, and they returned into their suite, En Dwi told Loki, that he could sleep in his bed tonight. There was only a brief moment of hesitation before he agreed.

Loki didn’t regret it. 

En Dwi didn’t touch him. 

Not that night at least. Not until a few months later.

But that night it did feel like he had never been closer to a person before in his life. And that feeling hadn’t changed for years- until he met Thor.

Loki selected the chat between him and Thor now and read through the messages he had received again. The words were already familiar to Loki after he had read them a few dozen times already, and still, he had to see them once again.

_Hey Loki, I…don't even know where to begin. I’m very worried about you and think about you all the time. I can’t stop thinking about what would have happened if you had been alone. Knowing that you’ve been in danger all that time, it’s hard to stand._

_How are you doing? I hope you’re alright. As alright as can be…_

_And I wanted to say sorry. I really fucked up. I should have never hit En Dwi, especially not when you needed support. From both of us. I took that support from you and I just wish I could say or do something more meaningful to make up for it than to write this message._

_Let me know when you get out of the ICU. I’ll visit you immediately. If you want me to of course._

_TO_

_You still haven’t answered and I’m getting really worried…if you’re angry, please just tell me. I’ll try to make it up to you I swear. I just want to be a part of your life again._

_Even if En Dwi is in it. I’d say that I would apologize to En Dwi if I had to. But I can’t do that- not because you don’t mean that much to me, but because you mean too much to me, to apologize to the person who hurt you this badly. I can’t. I hope you understand._

_But I’ll do everything else._

_TO_

_I’m sorry for spamming you…I just…just wanted to tell you what I didn’t get to say in person. You looked incredible that evening. At the show. You were by far the most beautiful of all. I’ll never forget the way you looked walking towards me. It probably doesn’t mean much, but I thought you might want to know._

_Also, Sif and Fandral are asking about you. I didn’t tell them anything, but they are hoping to see you again. And so do I._

_Please call me when you feel like it and take care of yourself. Or let yourself be taken care of. I know how hard that is for you…_

_TO_

Out of all the messages Loki had received during his stay in the hospital, it were only Thor’s that made tears sting in his eyes whenever he read them. 

There was something between the lines, something left unsaid, that touched Loki’s heart, in a way that it had never been touched before- not even by En Dwi. 

But Thor was wrong about one thing. To believe that there could be a life for Loki, in which he got to keep both En Dwi and Thor. 

Thor had proven, that despite his best intentions, he could never tolerate En Dwi’s presence.

And Loki knew En Dwi well enough to be certain, that he would never accept someone else having that much influence on Loki’s life. Distracting him from pursuing the career they had built together.

Loki would have to choose. 

And not just between En Dwi and Thor. It went much further than that. 

It was about his career. 

Everything he’d worked for. If he turned his back on En Dwi, he could be sure that he would never again have any kind of chance in the industry. He’s seen it before, with the models who accused or sued En Dwi. All their talent, their youth, and their good looks couldn’t help them get any meaningful job ever again.

And choosing Thor wouldn’t just mean giving up his career. It also meant giving up drugs, which made a new fearful sense of loss flutter in Loki’s chest.

Merely thinking about going sober indefinitely- it filled him with a slow sense of dread. Life seemed to be drained of its colour, its meaning, without his career, without En Dwi and without drugs.

However, Loki was also painfully aware that he would never find a person like Thor again. 

This was once in a lifetime and if he let him go, there would never be someone who could replace him. 

Lost in thought as he was, the knock on the door startled Loki greatly, and his head snapped around to see Claire standing in the doorway, with her arms crossed over her chest, looking only a tad bit amused at Loki’s reaction.

“I heard you were being rude to one of my nurses?” 

“He went to you to whine about it?” Loki sighed heavily as he put his phone away. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression that you had better things to do.”

“We do. Which makes it all the more annoying to handle grumpy assholes such as yourself,” Claire’s lips quirked into a smile and Loki knew that while she meant every single word, she still liked him. 

And he had grown to like her too.

She had been there when he had been admitted to the hospital and despite the night being one big blur of pain and fear, Loki vaguely remembered her for her competence and her steadiness. 

And over the next few days, he learned to appreciate her for her honesty and her dry wit too. She dealt with too much shit on a daily basis to be impressed by Loki’s attitude. But still, she was never indifferent or unfair towards him as her patient.

“How about a walk?” She offered, resting one hand on her hip. “Perhaps it’d make you less impossible to stand, and I’d be getting some fresh air and sunshine, while on the clock.” 

Loki shrugged his shoulders and sank further down in his bed, to stare up at the ceiling, rather than to look back at Claire.

“I don’t know. I don’t much feel like it,” Loki replied, the words left his mouth slowly and his tone was flat and empty. He could hear Claire sigh, from where she was standing left from him.

“Depressive moods can be part of withdrawal-“ She began to explain, only to be cut off by Loki halfway through her sentence.

“Can you all shut up about withdrawal?!” Loki turned around to shoot her one of his unconvincing glares. “I don’t even want to be in withdrawal! You are fucking forcing me to like I need to be any more miserable!”

Claire merely lifted her brows, entirely unimpressed by the sudden flare of Loki’s temper, which made a frustrated growl climb out of Loki’s throat, as he gripped the sheets he was bedded in tightly.

“Okay, that’s it,” Claire decided. “We’re taking that walk. You need to get out of here. You think you can get in the wheelchair yourself?” She asked as she moved to Loki’s bedside to close the IV drip and remove the tube from the small syringe that was attached to the back of Loki’s hand with a big patch. 

It was a nasty, yet painless feeling as the needle embedded in his hand was tugged on slightly but it faded soon after and Loki carefully pushed himself up into a sitting position.

The wheelchair stood right next to his bed and it shouldn’t be that difficult to push his body up and sit down in the chair, but his arms were trembling with the effort and he felt exhausted by the time he finally settled into the chair.

Loki couldn’t have gathered the strength to drive around on his own and so he didn’t complain when Claire took control and expertly maneuvered the wheelchair around the room. She pushed him out on the corridor, past the bleach-white walls, and towards the metallic elevator.

Everything here was so bleak and…cheap. The paint was chipping off at places, the linoleum floor was stained and littered in scratches and all of the interior must be from the nineties, selected without any thoughts of aesthetic in mind.

Doubtlessly Loki could have gotten himself transferred to a better hospital, one for people with money. With nice large windows, modern furniture, and equipped with all the small luxuries that the wealthy patients didn’t want to miss, like high-speed wifi, HD TV, and pleasant food. But that would mean contacting En Dwi to help him make the arrangements and that was not an option as of now.

“I don’t know how you can stand to work here,” Loki said, as he viewed his blurred reflection in the elevator‘s metallic doors, as they waited for it to make it’s way up. “It’s so depressing here.”

“It’s got its charm. Beneath the surface of course- the surface really isn’t all that great,” Claire agreed with a warm chuckle.

“I’ve seen your work,” Loki insisted. “You’re highly skilled, you could easily get a job at one of those fancy hospitals. Better pay. Nicer surroundings. Better chances to advance your career.”

“To take care of people as charming as yourself all day long? That’s a hard pass from me,” Claire teased, her voice was dry with permanent exhaustion lying beneath it, but it was never bitter. Never did her banter turn mean. “Also a lot of people on the team are skilled. If we all left in pursuit of something better, no one would be there to take care of the people that need it the most. The pay isn’t fair. The job is tough. But I get to make an impact on people’s lives.”

If Claire expected Loki to reply, he didn’t. He didn’t know what to say when he himself was living such a vastly different life. Working an arguably tough job, with excessively good pay that didn’t do much to positively impact anybody. 

For the first time in ages, Loki started wondering what the point of his job even was. 

Why did he have to suffer so much for something, that didn’t do anything to make the world a better place? 

And no, he knew well enough, that all those charity events he attended didn’t really count. They didn’t do shit in truly making the world any better and him walking down the red carpet, letting himself be photographed, had even less use.

As they entered the elevator and made their way down both of them stayed silent, each one dwelling on their own thoughts.

Only once they had made their way through the hall downstairs and into the small but well-kept park, that was shielded from the city and the surrounding streets by large trees and tall hedges, Claire started speaking again.

“So, for how long have you been using?” She asked conversationally and Loki scoffed at her complete lack of tact.

But to be fair, there was no point in beating around the bush. Claire had been there during his overdose- she didn’t really need a build-up for a question like this and Loki surrendered after only a few brief seconds of silence, during which only the crunching gravel beneath the wheels of Loki’s wheelchair filled the quiet between them.

“About nine years?” Loki answered, his voice quiet and softer than he had intended for it to be. 

“Quite a while,” Claire pointed out, as they passed a bed of violets, that eagerly stretched their crowned heads up towards the sky, to soak up the rays of the warm spring sun. But Loki had to squint his eyes against the glaring light, turning his face away from it.

“Have you ever tried quitting?”

“Never had a reason to,” He admitted.

“Well, now it seems to me like you’ve got a couple of really good reasons. Urgent reasons. One of them being, that your life is in serious danger as long as you continue using,” She said, and Loki rolled his eyes at her lecturing tone. Geez. Like he didn’t know.

“I know I know…” Loki told her, but of course, it wasn’t enough to shut her up.

“Remember right during your overdose? That panic, that feeling like you were dying?”

Loki hated her for reminding him of what had doubtlessly made into the top five worst moments in his life. 

He’d rather forget about all of them, sweep them under the rug, alongside all the other filth already there. But Claire wouldn’t back down, so he shrugged his shoulders, as a silent answer to her question.

“Hold onto that memory, even if it’s painful. You’ve been in danger all that time and that was just the first moment you truly noticed and had to look right at it,” Claire had started walking a little faster now. She was getting worked up about this, but Loki didn’t make the mistake of pointing that out to her. 

“And now, the danger might not be as apparent to you anymore. But it’s still there. You could have died that night. And you could still die any other night if you go right back to using again,” She told him sternly. “You don’t seem like an idiot to me Loki.”

“Thanks a lot,” Loki huffed and shook his head, but Claire went on unbothered.

“And only an idiot wouldn’t at least try to take the chance that they were given. Imagine someone goes swimming in shark-infested waters, which isn’t a smart move, to begin with. And a shark actually attacks them, but they manage to fight it off. And afterward, they don’t get out of the water because they can’t see the shark anymore, and based on that they assume that they must be out of danger now.”

“Your point is that I should go to rehab or what?” 

“That’s exactly my point but I wanted you to say it yourself.”

“Well, you weren’t exactly subtle about it…” 

“Wasn’t trying to be,” Claire said and finally her rapid steps had slowed down some and she stopped in front of a bench, underneath the large branches of a willow tree and sat down on it to face Loki.

“Are you even considering rehab as an option right now?” She asked, her brown eyes fixed on him like she was searching for something specific in his gaze.

“Well yes…” Loki turned away when Claire’s insistent gaze was becoming too uncomfortable to stand. “But I haven’t made a final decision yet.”

“You should. And that soon. Because the longer you think about it, the more likely you are to forget about the lesson you’ve just learned. You paid a high price to know what you do now. You better put it to use, while it’s still fresh.”

“It’s more complicated than that…”

“No. It’s actually not. You want to seriously risk your life, turn left. You want to try to get better, go right. It’s that simple.”

“No, it’s not!” Once more anger came alive in Loki. He told himself that he was angry because she was oversimplifying his situation. But deep down he knew, that he was angry because she was right.

“That career won’t be much use, if you die, you know that, right?”

“You sound a lot like someone I know,” Loki tried to chuckle but the sound broke in his throat and turned into a pained little gasp, barely more than a hitched breath.

For a moment, they sat quietly beneath the tree’s shadow, and as the seconds passed and as Loki willed his breath to stay even, he began to hope that maybe Claire would just let it go.

But of course, she didn’t. It just wasn’t her style.

“Sounds like that someone means a lot to you?” She asked gently and as always, kindness wore Loki down the fastest. Already his chest became tight and a heavy lump formed in his throat, making his breath shallow and painful.

“He does,” Loki forced the words out as he stubbornly wiped away the tears, that threatened to spill over. 

“You know,” Claire began, and her tone became even more sympathetic now, marking Loki’s downfall. “Maybe things aren’t as complicated as you make them out to be. Maybe this right now, tells you all you need to know.”

And hearing that only made Loki start crying for real. Which maybe really did tell him what he needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Loki is given the chance of getting some introspect and last chapter's nurse is Claire Temple because she's amazing and I love her. 
> 
> Thank you so much for all your comments, it's amazing to hear your thoughts about this story. I hope you enjoyed reading!


	15. Chapter 15

“Well, he still hasn’t called me back,” Thor stared down into the blackness of his coffee. It was already lukewarm and he hadn’t even emptied half of it yet, he had been too busy sharing just about every thought that has been going through his head ever since Loki has been admitted to the hospital. 

Just a few careful, probing questions from his mother had been enough to make him start talking like a waterfall.

About Loki. About the show. And Amora. The hospital. And En Dwi. 

Frigga had listened quietly and patiently the entire time, sometimes asking a question for understanding or context but otherwise, she allowed Thor to finish his story uninterrupted, leaving him feeling empty and exhausted now that he was done talking. It has been a week. And he was still anxiously checking his phone every few minutes, but never did a message from Loki greet him on his screen.

Even during his sessions, which usually allowed him to live in the moment, his fingers itched for his phone. 

And to his shame, he must admit that a few times, he had already taken out his phone to check his messages, while his current client was blindfolded and tied up in some way, only to be disappointed once more by the lack of messages coming from Loki.

From across the table, his mother looked at him thoughtfully and slowly nodded her head a few times, before she began talking.

“And what do you think that might mean?” She asked and took a sip from her tea. The serenity in her deep blue eyes always led Thor to believe that she already knew the answer to her own questions, though that might just be a childish illusion.

“What do I know?” Thor sighed exasperatedly. “It could mean anything. Maybe En Dwi manipulated him into cutting ties with me. Maybe his state is too severe to text me. Or…or he doesn’t want me around anymore.”

Frigga hummed and nodded her head, as she stirred her tea with a spoon. “Those are all possibilities. Some more likely than others. But ultimately there is no way for you to know for sure. However, it seems like you mean a lot to each other…and from what you’ve told me about Loki, he’s more than just a passive bystander in his own story. He has pushed you away before, hasn’t he? And then sought to contact you again. Give it time.”

“You know how bad I am with that," Thor complained. "I can’t just go on with my life doing nothing.”

“You’ve held out your hand. It’s Loki’s turn to reach for it,” Frigga told him calmly and Thor simply couldn’t hold back an annoyed huff. 

“Anyways,“ Frigga went on, entirely unimpressed. “It seems like you could use that time of silence, to consider a thing or two yourself.”

“Me?” Thor asked incredulously and the expression on his face must be so surprised that Frigga laughed at him, instantly making Thor’s ears heat up.

“Yes, the mighty Thor might have a few issues to consider himself,” Frigga pointed out after she had taken another sip from her tea. “For example, what exactly is it that you want from Loki? A friendship? A relationship? Something else entirely?”

“I- I just want to be close to him,” Thor murmured, his voice suddenly having gone quiet. He really was so fucking clueless and his mother mercilessly reminded him of that fact.

“You’ve been talking a lot about his job getting in the way of you being together. How about yours?”

Frigga always spoke and acted in such a gentle way, that Thor almost choked on his ill-timed gulp of coffee, that’s how unexpected her bluntness was. Precise and painful like a punch to the gut- she had found the sore spot and hit it without hesitation.

“What do you mean?” Thor asked stupidly, but he only knew too well what she was referring to. 

“Your occupation is kind of…specific. How does he feel about that? Does he even know?” Frigga asked and like so many times before, ever since his earliest childhood, Thor wondered if she could really look into his skull into the most hidden corners, open every drawer and every lock. As he grew up, he became more certain that she was just good at guessing- but every now and again he still became unsure.

Thor gulped. Loki had stated very specifically how he felt about Thor’s work. It would be too painful for him to stand- and in a way, Thor did get it. How could he expect Loki to just be okay with it when he went ahead to dominate other people pretty much every day of the week? Especially since Loki was suffering so badly with his self-esteem and abandonment issues. He couldn’t just tell Loki to get over it.

And Thor had just pushed that knowledge far away, where he didn’t have to deal with it any longer, didn’t have to face any real consequences until Frigga insisted on dragging that inner turmoil back out into broad daylight.

“He does know and he said…well, he kind of implied that he doesn’t want to be with me as long as this is what I’m doing,” Thor said, his tone more disbelieving than pained at this point. This was the first time that he really reflected on that truth. 

“He’s the second person who wants you to give it up,” Frigga pointed out gently, as she tilted her head to seek out Thor’s eyes, who had averted his gaze. 

“Just don’t,” Thor sighed wearily, as he buried his face in his palms.

“I just wanted to tell you, that there are moments when you have to stand your ground, and moments when you must let go of one thing, to hold onto something more important,” Frigga said, her tone so frustratingly neutral, that Thor let out an annoyed groan behind his hands.

Why couldn’t she just give advice like a normal mother? ‘Thor quit your stupid pervert job and pursue the love of your life.’ For a Dom, Thor sure did like clear instructions, rather than vague implications of ambivalent guidelines.

But suddenly his scattered mind turned to a singular focus, as his phone buzzed in front of him. His mother, the cup of tea, the quiet music in the background, his frustration and confusion, and worry were all tuned out, the moment he recognized Loki’s number on the display.

He hurried to pick up the phone and pressed the screen tightly to his ear as he longed to hear any sound coming from the other side.

“Hello?” He asked breathlessly and after a second of silence, he heard a soft sigh, right against his ear.

“Hey Thor,” Loki replied, and even though the phone, Thor didn’t need to hear more than those two syllables to recognize how leaden and empty Loki’s voice sounded. Thor gripped the phone tighter.

There was a gulp on the other side before Loki went on to speak. “Hey, I just…sorry, my phone I…I didn’t have access to it. My jacket. They took it off in the ambulance and my phone was in it and- and yeah. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Thor answered quickly. He was half aware of how unbelievable Loki’s explanation sounded. In fact, he didn’t even care that he was being lied to. How could he care about such technicalities, when Loki was talking to him right now? Alive. And willing to contact Thor again.

“How are you?” Thor asked urgently, the worry evident in his voice. If only he could see Loki now. His words alone could often be so misleading.

“I’m- I don’t know,“ Loki drew in a wet breath. “I feel like I’ve fucked up my entire life. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.”

“Are you still at the hospital?”

“No. No…I’m at this rehab facility. All this time I spent hanging around with glamourized addicts and no one prepared me for just how badly it sucks here.”

Thor couldn’t help the amused snort- because Loki’s speech, previously hacked off and derailed, instantly turned smooth and sharp, as soon as he had something to complain about. But he grew serious pretty quickly.

“Can I visit you there?”

There was a short, bitter laugh on the other side of the line.

“Well, you can. Not sure if you should though.”

“Why not?”

“Well for one, it’s depressing,” Loki began. “And also, I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“Like what?” For asked puzzled. Loki lying on the floor in his darkened apartment, bawling his eyes out- that had been depressing. How could a rehab clinic be possibly worse than that?

“It doesn’t matter Thor. I just don’t want you to see me like this. Why do you always need to question everything?” Loki asked, his tone had grown sharp so suddenly, that Thor loosened his hold on the phone a little and stopped pressing it against his ear as tightly.

He looked back at his mother as he got up and gave her a sign with his hand, to which she nodded and Thor left to carry on the conversation in the guest room. The way this was going, he couldn't carry on the conversation with his mother's watchful eyes following him.

“Well, when will you get out then?” Thor questioned, once he sat down on the bed, that squeaked beneath his weight.

“I don’t know. Maybe a few months? Some other patients have been here for half a year. They’re making a giant fuss about everything.”

“A few months?!“ Thor asked incredulously. “You’re simply refusing to see me for a few months?”

“You probably don’t want to see me anyways,” Loki said, sounding determined, and yet there was a deep sadness running beneath his words. “I’m not much to look at and I’m not exactly great company these days.”

“Are you insane Loki?” Thor could no longer keep the anger and frustration out of his voice. “You think I only care about your looks or your entertainment value? You think I drove to your place that night because I thought you’d be fun to be around or nice to look at? Let me tell you, you were neither.”

From the other side of the line, only a heavy silence reached Thor’s ears and he instantly regretted his harsh words. He could basically feel the shocked hurt from the other side of the phone, even without seeing Loki.

“I’m sorry,” Thor hurried to apologize. “What I’m trying to say is…I want to see you no matter what. It’s- _especially_ when you’re not doing well. Just stop trying to guess what I do and do not want, okay? Trust me to make my own decisions. That's all I'm asking.”

“…okay,“ Loki hesitantly agreed.

“I want to see you. There’s no way around that,” Thor said firmly. “But what do _you_ want Loki? You really don’t want me to visit you?”

Loki sighed heavily.

“I don’t know.”

Loki had withdrawn from him, Thor realized with a twist in his chest, and leaned his head against the cool wall of the guest room. When Thor spoke up again, his tone was so much gentler, trying to coax Loki into opening up once more. Into admitting what he truly wanted- he was supposed to be good at this, right?

“Sounds pretty lonely. Being in a place you hate all by yourself. Being unwell…” Thor pointed out gently, only to be met by more silence. But he didn’t give up. “You know to me it kind of sounds like you want to torture yourself by going through this alone. Not the good kind of torture either.”

“Why don’t you let _me_ decide what kind of torture I find good?” Loki bit back sharply.

“…did you allow En Dwi to visit you?” 

“No…no I did not,“ Loki said, his voice cracking like ice. “He- well he’s not exactly my agent anymore.”

“Oh,” Was all that came to Thor’s mind at the news. It came much too suddenly for him to come up with a response. Or for him to even figure out how to feel about it. But already a cynical dry laugh reached his ear in response.

“That probably pleases you to no end, doesn’t it?”

“No!” Thor was very quick to deny the claim- because Loki wasn’t entirely wrong. Of course, he enjoyed knowing that this shit-bag was out of Loki's life. But it didn't give him any real satisfaction, not with how badly it must hurt Loki. Thor rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “No…no I’m sorry. I really am. You guys were…close.”

“Yeah," Loki whispered. "Close.”

For a few moments, there was nothing but silence between them and once more it was Thor who broke it again when it became too much for him.

“We can talk about this in person? How about I come to visit you this week. Friday afternoon?” He suggested.

“Visiting hours are from two to six,” Was all Loki said in response, neither agreeing nor denying Thor’s offer.

“So, I come at three pm, how about that?”

Once more his only answer was silence. Thor sighed.

“Okay. If you say nothing, I’ll be there on Friday,” Thor decided now, keeping his voice steady. ”If you really don’t want me to come, you need to tell me so.”

There were a few more moments of quiet, then rapid beeping. It took a solid second for Thor to make sense of it.

Loki had ended the call.

~

Counting silence as yes might be necessary to communicate with Loki throughout all of his issues, but damn, it really wasn’t very gratifying. Standing in the entry hall of the clinic, Thor couldn’t help the feeling that maybe he really was unwelcome here. 

The place was bright, superficially friendly, and sterile. A few paparazzi were lounging in front of the building, waiting to get a shot of a celebrity either entering or leaving the facility, while security people stood ramrod straight next to the doors, suspiciously eyeing all visitors. They must be paid really well to be so alert, even on a sunny Friday afternoon.

Thor himself got a few suspicious glances, not only from the guards but from the receptionist as well.

“Excuse me, Mister, what’s your name again?” She asked, her tone high pitched and slightly nasal.

“It’s Thor,” He answered, for the second time already. “Thor Odinson. With a T H.”

“And you said you wanted to visit Mister Laufeyson?”

“Exactly,” He struggled to keep the frustration out of his voice- he wouldn’t be surprised if the receptionist would simply send him away just because she didn’t like his tone.

“Could I get ID please?” She asked, without looking away from her computer screen.

A small angry growl made its way past Thor’s lips and he put the bouquet of flowers down on the desk, to search his pocket for his driver's license, which he handed to the receptionist, who checked it more thoroughly than any airport employee had ever checked his ID before.

“Fine,” She finally said with a curt nod, as she handed Thor’s license back along with a piece of paper. “I need you to sign here, agreeing that you will not be taking any pictures of other patients and that you agree to not harass our guests. If you do, we have the right to remove you instantly.”

“Remove me?” Thor repeated, genuinely amused as he signed the paper. “Let’s just hope that won’t be necessary, huh?”

The woman didn’t smile back at him, only gave him a sour look, as though to tell him just how serious she was about this.

“Please use the elevator or the stairs, to get to the second floor, Mister Laufeyson should currently be in his room, number 237,” She explained to him. “You are free to use our facilities, including the lounge and café as well as the garden area. Excluding the spa area. We expect you to leave before six pm.”

Thor had to keep himself from rolling his eyes. He began to understand why Loki didn’t like this place. Loki didn’t do all that well with following rules and if there was one thing that this place seemed to have in abundance it was rules.

He picked up his flowers, insincerely thanked the receptionist, and made his way up the stairs to the second floor. The first thought that struck him as he moved through the building, was that the entire facility didn’t feel like a clinic at all. It felt more like a very clean, very high-end hotel. With tasteful artwork on the walls, designer lamps illuminating the rooms, impeccably clean windowfronts, and tall vases with fresh flowers inside, it wasn’t at all what Thor had been expecting.

As he passed the fourth vase with skillfully arranged Iris inside, he felt stupid for bringing a bouquet of his own. Loki probably didn’t care for flowers. Or the gesture was too corny for him- or intimidating in how romantic it was. Maybe he should just dump them, he thought, but then he was already up on the second floor and a nurse came along to greet him and to thoroughly check his pockets for anything that might be used to get high, apologizing to him for the intrusion of his privacy.

She took the small sachet of powder that was taped to the paper the flowers were wrapped in. It was only meant to be dissolved in water to keep the flowers from withering but she didn’t want to take any risks, which Thor respected. It was nice to know that the people here were serious about keeping Loki clean.

She apologized once more and Thor told her that it was fine, before she went ahead to guide him to Loki’s room. She knocked sharply but left right after, leaving Thor to stand in front of the white door alone, holding tightly onto the roses he had brought, almost crushing their stems.

Luckily their thorns had been removed, he thought to himself.

The next few seconds passed awfully slowly before the door opened and he was suddenly faced with Loki.

The first thought that crossed Thor’s mind, was that Loki looked drained of all colour. He might as well have been a black and white picture. His skin had an unhealthy colour, like dough, his black hair, unstraightened and unstyled, hung over his shoulders in limp waves, even his brilliant green eyes seemed to have turned grey and hollow in the way they looked back at Thor.

He wore a shapeless t-shirt with loose grey sweatpants and Thor couldn’t help but remember what Loki had told him about Karl Lagerfeld all that time ago. This time around Loki really did look utterly defeated. Brought down by life and unwilling to get back up again.

“Come on inside,” Loki’s voice sounded hollow as he opened the door wider to reveal a bright room, with a large potted plant in the corner, a queen-sized bed on the other side of the room, a sitting area and a balcony- but everything was shrouded in shadows, the dark blue curtains were half-closed, not allowing the light from outside to brighten the room.

Thor watched with a slowly creeping horror as the younger man moved towards the bed, his feet dragging over the ground, to lie back down and cover himself with the wrinkled blanket. Thor couldn’t quite shake the feeling that Loki must have been lying there for hours, only interrupted by the knock at the door. He seemed to have aged significantly- or maybe that just was the entire lack of energy Loki seemed to feel.

Thor stared at Loki’s lifeless form for a few seconds, then he followed Loki to sit down on a chair next to the bed- and all of a sudden it did start to feel like a real hospital again. Loki was very ill, and it showed.

“How are you doing?” Thor asked softly, as he put the flowers down on the empty nightstand. Loki hadn’t even looked at them but Thor didn’t feel hurt. He was too shocked by the state Loki was in.

“How does it look like I’m doing?” Loki asked in response, and despite the irony dripping from his voice, there wasn’t even a shadow of a smile on his face.

“You don’t look like you’re doing well,” Thor admitted, a worried frown drawing his brows together. 

Loki’s current state was so different from how he had looked like coming back from Thanos. Even then his face had been blooming with colour, even if it had come from dark circles, flushed lips, and freshly forming bruises- there had been emotion there, alongside all the pain, even with how detached Loki had been the following morning.

Now he just seemed like an empty husk. But Thor simply refused to believe that to be the truth. This was Loki. Full of wit and fire and ice- Thor couldn’t accept that all of that should have died out so quickly, within just a few short days.

“No,” Loki slowly shook his head and leaned back against the pillows with a tired sigh. He turned his head away to look out of the window, even though there was nothing to see there but the closed curtains. Thor’s best guess was, that Loki simply didn’t feel strong enough to hold his gaze. 

“My jobs for the next year are all canceled. And En Dwi left the contract,” Loki’s voice broke and for a moment his lower lip trembled before he bit down on it and shook his head. “I’m too old now to be profitable anyways…even if I recover.”

Thor was painfully aware of the ‘if’ Loki had used- it made him shift uncomfortably in his chair and his frown deepened.

“Hey, you’ll be okay,” Thor tried softly but it just earned him a distasteful scoff from Loki.

“No,” He said, his voice weighed down by barely concealed pessimism. “Amora is paying my hospital bills. Which is pretty humiliating but even that way I can’t afford the rent for my apartment forever, not without my job. I’ll have to look for something new. Something smaller, which will work out perfectly fine, because I can practically throw away the entire content of my closet anyway. I’ve gained ten pounds in those last ten days alone. And it just keeps getting more and more, I can’t seem to stop stuffing my face and everything I eat instantly transforms into fat, I can’t fucking take this anymore!”

Loki’s voice had grown increasingly desperate and shrill and while that might be a reason for alarm, Thor was simply glad to hear any kind of emotion from Loki.

“Well, you can still keep all your shoes,” Thor pointed out softly after a few moments to allow Loki to calm down. “As well as all your accessories, most of the coats and pullovers should still fit you too.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Loki asked and Thor almost sighed- Loki constantly told him that he didn’t get it, ever since they had first met. It was almost comforting to hear that some things really didn’t change. “I am on the way to becoming a fat, unemployed fucking loser, with nothing to live for. That’s the problem.”

“What’s so terrible about being fat? Volstagg is fat and he’s living a really happy life. Fandral is unemployed most of the time- and he’s still not a loser,” Thor pointed out, even though the feeling crept up on him that it was pointless to argue with Loki. This wasn’t about logic. This was about feeling. 

The feeling of being entirely lost in the world and no amount of reasonable arguments could change anything about it.

“…life just feels so empty without drugs. Without En Dwi,” Loki said, and once more all the anger was drained out of his voice, leaving only a bottomless sense of defeat. “I guess both were bad for me. But maybe it would have been better to let them kill me than to live like this. Nothing seems to be worth anything anymore, you see?”

Thor could imagine- even though he probably could never truly know what Loki must be feeling now. To go from the extreme ups and downs of his career, permanently under pressure and on the run, either soaring high or crushed down, to this existence of numbness and indifference, detached from everything that ever meant something to him, without anything to do. It must be torture in its blandness. And there was no end in sight.

“Can I lie down with you?” Thor asked and Loki probably hasn’t been expecting that, because he looked back at Thor with surprise, before he slowly nodded. 

“Sure. Why not,” He said, as he scooted to the side, to allow enough space for Thor. And Thor took off his shoes, pretending not to notice Loki’s suspicious glances, before he got into bed next to him, pulling the covers over the both of them.

In the beginning, it was awkward. It always was. They didn’t quite know how to move to make the other comfortable yet but it wasn’t long until they found a good position for both of them. Loki lying his head on Thor’s chest, one leg resting on top of Thor’s thigh, while Thor had one arm wrapped around him from behind and slowly stroked his hand up and down Loki’s back. 

The weight gain was noticeable, that much was true, but Thor didn’t mind at all. Loki’s body felt softer now, his shoulder blades didn’t stick out like razors, his spine was still distinguishable when he ran his fingers along it but it was no longer the sharp relief of knobs, right beneath the skin. And the few weeks without exercise didn’t do much to eat away at Loki’s core strength, the lines of muscles were still noticeable through his shirt, but they were no longer stiff with tension but rather relaxed and smooth. 

Thor liked what recovery did to Loki’s body- but he didn’t say so. Loki wasn’t ready to hear it. It would feel too dismissive of how helpless and desperate he must feel about his body changing in such a short amount of time.

“My friends are asking about you,” Thor said after a while. “They’re worried I messed up my chances with you.”

“Hm. You still haven’t fucked me yet, so you really are on thin ice…” Thor couldn’t see Loki’s face, but he was hoping that a smile was playing around his lips at the jab. “But I haven’t given up on you entirely just yet.”

“Neither have I,” Thor said, just as he started rubbing the back of Loki’s neck with his thumb, which drew a shiver and a quiet little moan from Loki, who grew tense immediately, the moment he heard the noise he made. It must have been involuntary, and Thor stopped his movements, both of them just lying next to each other in tense quiet.

“You’re a little touch starved?” Thor finally pointed out, which made Loki bristle instantly.

“What do you think?” He replied sharply. “My options were pretty limited lately.”

“I didn’t mean to judge you,” Thor soothed quickly. “I just…pointed it out. Some physical contact is good for you. Your mental health. Doesn’t have to be sexual at all.”

“But it could be sexual.”

“…yes. I guess it could be,” Thor swallowed. “If you wanted it to be.”

Silence.

“Loki? I need you to talk to me. Counting silence as a yes isn’t the way I want to do consent. It’s only a compromise. And I can’t compromise your safety, not when I know that you experienced trauma.”

For a few moments, Loki still didn’t say anything, and Thor readied himself to go on with his speech about consent and safety, but he already seemed to have reached Loki.

“What would I be agreeing to?” Loki asked hesitantly. And if Thor had doubted his progress until now, he now had confirmation of how far Loki had come. He was drawing lines, not mindlessly agreeing to be subjected to just anything, but rather seeking out a dialogue.

“How about a handjob under the sheets?“ Thor suggested. “I’ll go really slow. Make you feel good.”

“No pain?” Loki sounded both disappointed and relieved.

“No pain today, no,” Thor promised. “How does that sound to you?”

“Okay,” Loki agreed after another moment of hesitation and a small shiver was audible in his voice. 

“And I’ll check in with you, to see if you’re still on board. You can say no at any point. But especially when I ask you, I want you to take a brief moment to consider, alright?”

Thor was half expecting a verbal attack about why he was babying Loki and how stupid and boring he was being- but it never happened. Loki just nodded his head, which had to do as confirmation. 

Thor’s hand moved down Loki’s back, to his front, gently rubbing hips, his stomach, which made Loki squirm in such acute discomfort that Thor moved on from that area quickly, past the flexible waistband of Loki’s jogging pants. 

There he found Loki‘s length warm, already half-hard, and silky to the touch. Thor would have genuinely loved to go down on him, but that might be too much just yet and he rather focused on wrapping his fingers around his member, giving it a firm squeeze, which drew the sweetest sound from Loki.

Thor bowed his head, to kiss Loki’s head, then his temple, while his second hand slipped beneath his shirt to lightly pinch and rub Loki’s nipples. That made more soft moans spill from Loki’s lips, which had taken on a light rose colour, that looked just so inviting to Thor.

“Are you still okay?” Thor asked, moving in closer to pick up on every cue from Loki. But all he heard was laboured breathing and held-back moans. It wasn’t until he removed his hand from Loki’s cock that Loki came up with a verbal answer.

“I’m okay,” He assured breathlessly. “You can…go on.”

And Thor did, gladly so. He went on touching Loki, rubbing his thumb over the wet, smooth head of Loki’s cock, which made him arch his back and cry out beautifully right next to Thor’s ear.

Loki hardened so quickly beneath his touch now, every movement of his fingers, every light kiss had an immediate effect on him, making him sigh and shift in Thor’s arms. It wouldn’t take long. And while Thor purposefully went slow, to not rip the orgasm from Loki, before he got a chance to enjoy himself, he didn’t want to draw it out unnecessarily either, to make Loki suffer.

Another time again. Probably far in the future.

Loki’s moans became more frantic now, his breathing sped up and when Thor caught a look at his face, he saw it flushed, his eyes dark with desire. Thor couldn’t hold back, he was magnetically drawn towards Loki’s pink lips now and he moved in for a hungry kiss, just as Loki’s cock twitched in his hand, spilling wetness all over his fingers. 

And Loki, who had gone tense as a wire for a few moments, now melted into Thor’s embrace more thoroughly than he had before. Thor just allowed him to catch his breath and to bathe in the afterglow, as he freed his hand from Loki’s pants and moved it out from beneath the blanket, to clean it with a tissue from the box that was conveniently placed on the nightstand.

“How are you doing?” Thor whispered into Loki’s ear, as he used his clean hand to comb through Loki’s hair. 

“…better,” Loki admitted, his voice beautifully hoarse. “Not much. But a little.”

“That’s all I was aiming for,” Thor said with a soft smile warming up his face and he moved in for a chaste kiss to Loki’s cheek. “I’m proud of you Loki.”

Loki only scoffed, as always when he found that Thor had said something particularly stupid.

“What on earth for?” He inquired and Thor chuckled as he once more went on to rub Loki’s neck.

“I just think you’ve achieved so much more than you can see right now, that’s all.”

“Sure, if you say so,” Loki didn’t sound convinced at all but at least he factually accepted Thor’s praise, even though it might just be due to the fact that he didn’t have it in him to fight back. Exhaustion already seemed to drag Loki back down again.

Still, Thor allowed a few more minutes of lazy silence between them, to just enjoy each other's closeness, before he spoke up once more.

“So, I hear there’s a lounge here? Why don’t you show me where it is? We could go drink a coffee or something.”

Loki only groaned and turned his face away from Thor, even covering it with both of his hands. 

“Oh my god Thor, I thought you didn’t want to torture me today,” He whined and at that Thor chuckled.

“I’m afraid I can’t get rid of my sadistic vein entirely,” He joked lightheartedly. “Come on. Being in bed all day can’t be good for you.”

Loki said something entirely undistinguishable behind his long fingers and Thor got out of bed to playfully tug the blanket away from Loki who looked at Thor with an expression of utter shock and betrayal- just a tad bit too dramatic for Thor to take it seriously at all.

“Come on,“ Thor asked again. “Get changed. I can only stay until six and I don’t want to leave without having found out if their coffee is better than mine.”

“You really are a sadist,” Loki grumbled unhappily, as he slowly, reluctantly got out of bed. He briefly glared at Thor but he had to look away when his lips quirked up into the tiniest smile. “And no offense but it doesn’t take much to make better coffee than you.”

And Thor just smiled. Because now he was certain that Loki really was going to be okay. In time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, sorry for the long wait. Work has consumed a lot of my time and energy lately and it was hard to be creative, even when I tried to take the time to write, which is just so frustrating. So thank you very much for your patience and your support, it means so much to me! 
> 
> I really hope that the next chapters will follow more swiftly, but I can't make any promises just yet...I'll have to see how things go along and do my best throughout. But until then, I can't wait to hear your thoughts about this chapter, it always lights up my day to read your comments :)


	16. Chapter 16

Thor had imagined the way to the lounge to be like three minutes maximum. After all, it was in the same building and just one story above them. 

But it ended up taking them over ten minutes and a lot more effort than he had anticipated. For the entire way, Loki looked like he wasn’t walking on regular carpet but instead through heavy mud. Every time he sat one foot down, he sank in up to his ankles, and when he tried to lift it back up, the ground would hold onto him, making him have to fight to free himself again, which made every single step look painfully exhausting.

“Can’t we just go back to my room?” Loki whined when they were about halfway there. He had stopped to look at Thor, out of large green eyes, his shoulders slumped, and his brows drawn together, while his feet sank deeper into the imaginary mud. Thor almost gave in when his gaze met Loki's and he felt like he could physically sense his exhaustion. 

But it proved to be useful, that Thor’s job gave him plenty of practice at denying people and enforcing his will. Even though he was very acutely aware of how gentle he needed to be with Loki right now, Thor urged him to keep going. 

“Come on. We’re almost there already, would be a shame to just give up now.”

Loki shot him a sullen look when they got moving again, doubtlessly meant to guilt-trip him, but he didn’t argue again. Thor pretended not to see and just kept walking, struggling to match Loki’s sluggish pace.

When they finally arrived at the lounge, it was like they had reached the end of a race and Thor felt tangible relief when they were able to sit down at one of the tables. 

The lounge looked like something that would be printed on the cover of a magazine for interior design. On real oakwood floor stood minimalistically designed chairs and couches which were covered in velvet, mauve, grey, and apricot, while the entire right wall of the room was one large windowfront, through which the visitors could view the garden and the tall trees surrounding it, giving the room an air of serenity.

Thor would have liked to choose a table near the window, where the sun shone in from behind some cotton candy clouds. There was more than enough space, the whole room was almost empty but Loki had already turned to sit down at a spot in the back corner. And Thor simply didn’t have it in him to usher Loki back out of his seat and drag him across the room, to sit in the light, which he seemed to be purposefully avoiding. So with nothing more than a sigh to show his disagreement, he sat down in front of Loki and picked up the men, which was already lying between them on the table.

Thor found that it was comfortingly small and simple. Coffee. Espresso. Tea (black, green, herbal) and Cola. Then there was Chocolate cake and banana bread (both vegan), as well as grilled cheese sandwich or avocado toast.

It was a pleasant surprise, usually the places he visited with Loki had menus that either made Thor feel hopelessly overwhelmed or plain uneducated. Sometimes both. This time around he had no trouble choosing coffee and chocolate cake for himself.

But Loki seemed to be struggling with his choice. He stared down at the menu for minutes, until he decided on black coffee. No, he didn't want any cake to go along with it, no way. He was perfectly fine. But all it took was for Thor to look over at him, tilting his head and ask if he _really_ wanted nothing else, for Loki to give in depressingly quickly. There was none of the usual bickering and fighting, he just gave up, the temptation too much to resist.

He ordered a slice of banana bread to go along with his black coffee, but once it was in front of him, he only looked worn-down and unhappy with every bite that he took from it.

Of course, Thor hadn’t expected an orgasm to cure depression, but it was still disheartening to see just how quickly Loki had depleted again, after the minor high of the afterglow, like a balloon with a hole in it. 

“It’s not good?” Thor asked, concern clear in his voice, with a nod to Loki’s banana bread, which he continuously stabbed with his fork as if it had personally offended him.

“…it tastes like fucking sand. Everything does. I don’t even know why I keep eating it.”

“Your body probably needs it,” Thor pointed out but Loki only scoffed.

“Wow, they should probably hire you, because that’s exactly what they’ve been telling me this whole time,” Loki said before he brought another forkful of cake to his mouth and started chewing with a look of absolute, desperate disdain for himself and everything around him. Once he swallowed, he started speaking again. “They say my appetite will go down on its own, in time. But there’s no way of saying when that will be. By then I’ll probably have to be rolled out of the clinic.”

“Loki-“

“No, it’s true,” Loki insisted, his voice climbing an octave higher as he continued to talk. “No wonder En Dwi canceled the contract, there’s not exactly a market for plus-size male models. Fuck, the tabloids will love this, everyone will-“

“Loki shut up,” Thor said in a firm tone that even surprised himself and Loki’s mouth instantly closed with a click, his eyes so large that they instantly made Thor’s heartache in regret.

“Sorry,“ Thor felt the back of his neck heat up with guilt and he rubbed it with one hand. He shouldn’t talk to Loki like this not while he was in this…state. ‘Or maybe-‘ Another voice in Thor’s head supplied. ‘-that’s exactly what he needs. To be pulled out of his self-pity.’

”Just-“ Thor tried again, quieter this time. “Just tone it down with the self-depreciation, okay? I can't stand listening to you talk like that.”

Loki stared back at him for a few more seconds, during which Thor felt more and more like shit until Loki finally looked away and brought the last piece of cake to his mouth. The rest of it was just crumbs from the vicious stabbing.

“I can’t believe that I gave up everything only to feel so miserable…” Loki’s voice was leaden, much like his gaze, as he stared down at the chocolate cake still on Thor’s plate. “You know when you make a decision and later on you realize you were wrong? So obviously, stupidly wrong? Fuck. I wish I could be angrier at you for baiting me with your good looks and your kindness…but if I got angry at you, you’d leave, and then I’d really have nothing left at all.”

Thor felt a pang of guilt. Sure, Loki’s perception was pretty warped right now, but he wasn't entirely wrong. When it came down to it, Loki had done what Thor had asked of him since the beginning- give up his job, fight his addiction only to feel unhappier and lonelier than ever. 

Thor wasn’t a sufficient replacement for everything he had left behind, and no amount of good will could change that. Not even love could change it- and they weren't even on that level yet.

But still, Thor reminded himself that he had to remain steady and reliable, like a rock in a stormy sea. Be stubborn and resilient- those were supposed to be his strong traits. And then they would get through this rough patch. That’s all it took…just getting through the next few days, weeks, months until things started getting better on their own, or so Thor hoped. 

“Just wait. Life hasn’t had much of a chance to regrow around you,” Thor tried to tell Loki but the young man only unhappily picked up the crumbs from his banana bread with one finger and licked them off with his oh-so-pink tongue before he looked hungrily down at his now fully empty plate. 

Thor could practically feel Loki’s craving for another slice. He briefly considered offering Loki some of his cake, but he had a feeling that would only fuel Loki’s hatred towards him as well as himself.

“So, what are you up to all day?” Thor clumsily changed the topic, as he took the first sip from his coffee, grimacing at the bitterness. He looked around but the usual sachets of sugar were nowhere to be seen. A wry laugh pulled Thor out of his confusion, Loki’s expression had turned bitter despite his sharp grin and he was shaking his head like Thor had missed a joke.

“What?“ Thor asked defensively. “I was just looking for some sugar.”

“You have to ask the barista for it. Same with salt and pepper.”

Thor frowned puzzled. The answer seemed to be an obvious one, but it was just out of reach and he grew too impatient before he could figure it out on his own.

“Why?”

“I’d say half of the patients here aren’t above snorting any of those substances,” A grim smile spread on Loki’s lips. “Guess which half I’m part of.”

Thor’s mouth went slack in realization. He had never considered that. But even now that he did, he still didn't really get it.

“But it doesn’t even get you high?” Thor asked, confused.

Loki laughed. At least his depression wasn’t bad enough to keep him from enjoying Thor’s lack of knowledge or to miss out on the chance to lecture him in a condescending tone, which was as relieving as it was infuriating.

“No, it doesn’t. In fact, it really hurts. But you have no idea how much I miss just the feeling of something going up my nose. I’d snort my own grandma’s ashes if I got the chance.”

If the statement was meant to shock Thor, Loki definitely succeeded. Thor quietly cursed En Dwi’s name for the thousandth time, for what he had done to Loki, how low he brought this proud and beautiful man. But Thor shook his head. He dealt with people’s darkest desires eight hours a day. He talked to people who admitted that they wanted to pretend like they were being raped and he'd just nod and follow up with some questions. It wasn’t like him to be unnerved so quickly.

“How about dirt?” Thor asked in a conversational tone.

Loki stared at him.

“I beg your pardon?”

Thor couldn’t keep himself from grinning. 

“I was just wondering if you’d snort dirt. Like from a road or a trail or something.”

Now it was Loki’s turn to look at him shocked. And then finally, when Thor already expected him to throw a fit, a grin spread on his gaunt face.

“That depends,” Loki said after a moment of serious contemplation. “I think if it had a nice, light dusty consistency, yes. But if it was dirt for gardening, grainy, and uneven, I would have to decline.”

"Ground coffee?" Thor wondered, lifting a brow.

"Well, there is a slim chance that the caffeine might give me a bit of a high, so I think I'd go for it." 

“How about sand?”

Loki’s hand instinctively flew up to cover his nose, when he imagined the rough grains going up there. 

“Sand would be quite tempting,” He admitted. “But I think it would end up being much worse than gardening dirt and coffee grounds combined. So again, no.”

“See? You still have some lines you won’t cross.”

“Not many,” Loki replied, sounding oddly defensive.

“Enough at least,” Thor shrugged his shoulders. The mood had lightened a little and he wanted nothing more than to keep the conversation shallow and pleasant but the need to know more about Loki’s situation had been gnawing on him for well over a week and none of the information Loki had supplied so far had been able to answer any of the obnoxious questions that had been buzzing around his head all day. 

“But…how are things going with your nose anyways?” He asked and almost instantly he saw some of the heaviness return to Loki’s face who lowered his gaze to stare down into his black, unsweetened coffee.

“They can fix it,” He said softly. “The hole has only just begun to form it will be just a short surgery. On Sunday. I won’t even have to leave the clinic.”

Thor nodded slowly. 

“I’m glad that you’re not getting anything more done. I’ve always liked your nose.”

Loki looked back up at him through narrowed eyes- he was expecting Thor to be lying to him, Thor realized. But he could only hope that Loki would be convinced by the sincerity on his face.

“Well, nice that this is your personal opinion but En Dwi isn’t exactly wrong about the nose…in most shoots they had to photoshop it a bit smaller or change its shape. He’s been talking about the procedure for well over a year now and that was just the perfect opportunity.”

Thor bristled at the phrasing. ‘Perfect opportunity’. He wondered how someone, anyone could look at Loki pale and frightened after he had closely avoided death and see an opportunity for business.

“He’s never suggested any other procedure. Right?” Thor asked, waiting anxiously for Loki to nod which he did, after a second.

“My genes were good enough to make drastic changes unnecessary,” Loki explained. “Nothing that couldn’t be achieved with a strict diet, a good workout routine, and some beauty treatments. There was once talk about lip injections and of course my hair is dyed-“

“Your hair is what?!” Thor stared at Loki in utter disbelief. His jet-black curls looked so natural, even though the contrast to his pale skin was suspiciously stark, now that Thor paid closer attention to it.

Loki chuckled and leaned forward, bowing his head to allow Thor to inspect his scalp.

“If you look closely, you’ll see that my roots are dark brown. I used to be a kind of brownish strawberry blonde when I first dyed my hair, but it grew darker the older I got,” Loki explained, as Thor moved closer to get a better look.

Loki was right. The first centimeter of his hair was just a few shades lighter than the rest of it, barely noticeable.

“Why would you dye it? The hair is so dark, I don't think it would make much of a difference.” Thor asked as he leaned back in his seat instantly trying to picture a young Loki with strawberry blonde curls framing his face. How En Dwi had insisted on covering it up with black dye to make him look older. Thor shook his head, barely noticeably- he needed to stop this train of thought now, he could already feel himself growing upset.

“It’s to complete the look I’m going for,” Loki explained. “Sharp lines, extreme contrasts, all while still remaining harmonic. Brown hair would make me look too soft, too…regular. It would ruin the entire aesthetic.”

“I’d really like to see you with brown hair,” Thor said, making Loki roll his eyes. “Are you going to let it grow out?”

“Well, I don’t have much of a reason to keep dying it…it doesn’t matter anymore if my look is less than perfect,” Loki’s voice turned melancholic and Thor worried that he’d sink back into his depressed swamp right before his eyes. But Loki cleared his throat and went on with his voice steady once more. “I’m so used to it though…I can’t even remember seeing myself with my natural hair. I imagine it must look quite ugly, all wavy and in an unappealing muddy colour...”

“Hm, only one way to find out,” Thor shrugged and took another gulp from his unsweetened coffee, willing himself not to wince. “But you go ahead with what you like best. I can get you some hair dye if you want it. Are you allowed to leave this place?”

“Currently not,” Loki sighed and rolled his eyes in a typical Loki manner. “They say I’m a bit too suicidal for that and want me to stabilize some more before I leave the clinic. And even then…I’d rather not have a dozen paparazzi photograph me when I go out to buy some stupid shit.”

“You can write me if you need something, I’ll bring it when I come to visit you again,” Thor offered. “But keep it simple. This is no invitation to ask for every extravagant, outrageous thing you can possibly think of.”

“So if I were to ask you to get me some nice cherimoyas you would-“

“-say no. Exactly,” Thor interrupted and then answered the brief grin that had flashed on Loki’s face with a smile of his own. “If I have to google what it is or where to get it, it’s immediately off the list.”

“That makes it a lot more difficult. You’re so uncivilized you don’t even know half of the things that a sophisticated person such as myself could want,” Loki taunted, though his disappointment seemed to be at least partly real.

“Time to find the beauty in simplicity Loki,” Thor easily shot back. And then he cleared his throat. Joking had been easy and came naturally but now he felt a little flustered. He had been thinking about asking this question even before Loki had called him and he felt more nervous now than he had been when asking out his prom date back in high school. “Well…apropos simplicity. You think you’ll be able to leave for a weekend in a few weeks?”

“Perhaps. Depends on my behaviour,” Loki said, looking over at Thor with a sliver of curiosity lighting up his face. “Why?”

“Me and the others- Sif, Fandral, Hogun, and Volstagg, will go camping for a weekend. It should be warm enough by then. We’ll take a drive to the national park, we do it every year. And they’ll bring their partners too. So, it won’t be awkward,” Thor tried to explain hurriedly, feeling much like he was stumbling over his words.

“Camping?” Loki repeated disdainfully. “In a tent?”

“Yeah. In a tent. With a sleeping bag and a campfire. All of that,” Thor said with a nod. He could already sense that Loki was going to say no. His shoulders sank but he still tried to convince him.

“We arrive on Friday, unpack, and on Saturday we’ll go on a hike to this lake, it’s stunning…I bet you’ve never seen anything like it. And in the evenings we have a really nice meal with roasted marshmallows and everything and we’ll tell stories, play games and at one point Fandral will probably start playing guitar and sometimes that’s annoying but it’s also…fun.”

For a few moments Loki said nothing, and Thor steeled himself for rejection but much to his surprise Loki slowly nodded his head.

“Sure,” Loki said with an aloof shrug. “Why not. But only if the clinic allows me to leave, I can not give you a definitive answer yet.”

“Just let me know in time,” Thor said, smiling at Loki. “It’s a lot of fun. I swear. The others are going to love it when you come along.”

“Don’t talk too much,” Loki warned. “The more you insist on it being fun the more suspicious I grow. But as of now, I’m willing to give it a chance, which definitely speaks for my declining mental health, because as far as I’m concerned mosquito bites and blisters are the opposite of fun…”

“I’m sure you’ll be okay princess-dear,” Thor shook his head with a chuckle and Loki scoffed, rolling his eyes.

There was some more joking and teasing between them, but at one point Thor mentioned that he would have to leave in half an hour and Loki just withdrew into his shell again, like he suddenly realized that it wasn’t worth opening up, if Thor was bound to abandon him again.

“What are you going to do tonight?” Thor asked, after a few minutes of awkward silence between them, hoping that Loki had something halfway fun planned, so he would feel less guilty about having to leave him. 

But Loki only shrugged his shoulders, while his arms were crossed over his chest. “I don’t know. Pretend like I’m watching TV perhaps.”

“Do you have any books with you?”

“Yes, I do, but I can’t focus on reading more than two paragraphs in a row. So that makes it kind of pointless.”

“You don’t have friends here?”

“Jesus Christ Thor, do you have some kind of point you’re trying to make, or do you purposefully want me to feel like shit about myself?” Loki finally snapped and Thor winced. 

“No…not at all,” Thor said, rubbing his hand over the nape of his neck, as he so often did when he was nervous. “I just…I had an idea. Maybe you could use something…I don’t know, exciting in this place? But I’m not sure if it’s inappropriate.”

“I love inappropriate things,” Loki said, a faint curiosity was lighting up his eyes after they had grown distant and dull over the last few minutes.

“Well, it goes a bit in the direction of what we have been doing before. In the studio I mean,” Thor said half aware that he was being annoyingly vague, and the non-answer earned him yet another scoff from Loki.

“Yes, I’d very much appreciate something in _that_ direction because lately, I’ve been having the most sexually unfulfilled time of my life, which is kind of hilarious given your occupation and the initial nature of our relationship.”

“Fair enough,” Thor said with a bit of a smile. “How about we return to your room and I explain to you what I’ve had in mind?”

Loki instantly agreed and on their way back, Loki’s steps were more energetic, driven by curiosity. This time it only took them about five minutes to get back to Loki’s room, which still felt pretty slow but also like a massive improvement. He was no longer moving on mud, but rather sand, that still made him sink in but was also much easier to free himself from again.

All in all, Thor felt encouraged in proposing his idea once they stood in front of the door to Loki’s room, even though he had been planning to only bring it up on his third or fourth visit, if at all.

But Loki’s touch-starved demeanour earlier and the whole pointlessness of his life that threatened to drag him under, convinced Thor that a distraction might be just the right thing to help him through. Just like the handjob, it wouldn’t be a cure but rather a band-aid, meant to just help keep Loki going until things got better.

And it wasn’t just a distraction. It might also be a reminder, that there was someone out there thinking about him, that he wasn’t alone, that he belonged to someone, even just in play.

Once they arrived back in Loki’s room, he closed the door behind them while Loki had sat down on his bed. Thor crossed the room to sit down on the chair he had occupied before and as soon as he got settled Loki prompted him to start talking with a quirk of his eyebrow and an urging movement of his hand.

“So, it’s a game,” Thor began, careful about choosing the right words. “And I chose it because you’ll have full control at any point. The game will be played when we’re apart from each other, so the choice will always be with you. I can’t and won’t control you.”

“Sounds kinda lame,” Loki pointed out, doing nothing to hide his disappointment and Thor had to keep himself from sighing. Loki always bit off more than he could chew, he had learned that about him within those past few months. Better to take it slow and listen to Loki complain about being bored, than to go too far and put Loki at risk

“However,“ Thor went on, pretending like Loki hadn’t said anything. “I don’t want you lying to me. If you can’t or don’t want to do as you’re told anymore, let me know. Don’t just pretend like you’re still going along with everything I’m saying, when you’re not, alright?”

“No offense Thor, but can you tell me what this is about, before you’re asking me to make promises?” Loki asked impatiently and Thor smiled as he pulled the pendant that Amora had given him, from his pocket, letting it dangle in front of Loki on its long golden chain.

It was easy to see how quickly Loki became enchanted by the golden glimmer of it, he reached out for the necklace, with his lips slightly apart in wonder and Thor let him take it.

“It’s for me?” Loki asked, still looking at the piece of jewelry. Thor could tell how Loki’s sole focus was directed on the shimmer of gold in his hands. Suddenly Thor felt reminded of the painted magpie in Loki’s apartment, they both had the same glow in their eyes, while holding their treasures.

“Yes, it’s for you,” Thor said. He watched Loki inspect the necklace for a while longer before he seemed to be able to remember what they had just been talking about. He let the pendant rest in his palm as he looked back into Thor's eyes.

“While I certainly appreciate the sentiment, I can’t really see the connection to the game you have been suggesting,” Loki said, as he put the necklace around his neck and focused his attention on the oddly shaped pendant. It looked like something a daring jeweler would design and Loki loved it. He loved it, even more, when he discovered a stamp at the bottom of the pendant, that told him that it was made from 20-carat gold, which made his heart jump higher in his chest.

He really was worth that much to Thor. 

Thor hummed, as he watched Loki and his glittering magpie eyes with a fond smile.

“See that little button at the top? Go ahead and press it.”

Curiosity was stronger than wariness and Loki didn’t even take a moment to consider before he pressed the button. The expression that spread on Loki's face within the following few seconds was quite honestly hilarious, his eyes widened comically as the gold pendant started buzzing unexpectedly in his hands, the way he let go as if it had burnt him. And then the moment of realization after which he looked at Thor unamused, making everything that much funnier to Thor.

He could barely hold back his wheezing laugh.

“Haha,” Loki said dryly, once he had turned the vibrator off again. “Look who’s become a prankster all out of nowhere.”

“Oh, of course, I forgot it’s only fun when you’re the one tricking other people.”

“Exactly,” Loki agreed but he slowly seemed to recover from his hurt pride and inspected the pendant once more, with new interest.

“So, what exactly do you have in mind?” Loki asked as he looked back at Thor.

“The idea is that I’ll call you when you’re available and then I’ll give you instructions,” Thor explained. “You’ll follow them. You can stop or take a break at any time. But if you do, I want to at least know. Okay?”

“We could video chat,” Loki suggested. “Then you could see for yourself if I do what you’re asking.”

“No, you’d have less control that way. Maybe we’ll get there, but I want us to take things slow. Gradually reduce the distance,” Thor said. “Plus, it’s old fashioned. It got its own charm I think.”

“Yeah, I would have thought that you’d like old fashioned since you’re pretty old yourself…” Loki shrugged his shoulders, pretending to be completely aloof, but Thor could see a flicker of excitement in Loki’s eyes. 

“Just be grateful that I didn’t decide for texting. It crossed my mind.”

“Might as well send a telegram,” Loki joked, his voice dry but his lips had quirked up into a smile.

“Or a pigeon.”

Loki snorted a laugh and Thor smiled fondly at him, drinking in the sight of Loki’s eyes crinkling, his gaze downcast, like his laughter was a secret, that he didn’t like to share.

Thor felt all the more special about witnessing it.

“So, when will we get started?” Loki asked, and his strawberry coloured tongue darted out to wet his lips, just as he looked back up at Thor, and the sight of it emptied his head almost immediately.

“Uhm. How about tonight?”

Loki grinned smugly.

That much about taking things slow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt so happy and touched reading all your comments on the last chapter! I don't take your kindness and understanding for granted, because in so many online spaces you can't expect others to be so respectful and friendly. So big shout-out to all of you, thank you for everything and I look forward to hearing your thoughts again :)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: This chapter heavily focuses on eating disorders. Please be mindful if that's a topic that is known to make you uncomfortable.

“Mister Laufeyson, please,” The nurse waved him forward and Loki shot her a hostile look, wrapping the bathrobe tighter around himself, as he entered the room. It was almost entirely empty and flooded with glaring white light, making the scale standing in the middle of it look all the more menacing.

_“Come on Loki. Don’t be shy. Just get in here.”_

“Close the door behind yourself, then please take off your bathrobe and stand on the scale,” A dispassionate voice told him, and Loki looked over at the nurse warily. The man in the white clothes didn’t even look at Loki, as he was giving him orders, pretending to focus on the papers he held in his hands. He didn’t even seem to notice the tremor in Loki’s cold and numb fingers as he untied the knot keeping the robe closed around his waist.

_“All of it. You wouldn’t want the result to be flawed, would you darling?”_

_Loki had swallowed heavily hearing that. He had already stripped down to his underwear, his arms awkwardly crossed over his skinny, hairless chest, while his naked feet shuffled on the floor._

_“I don’t really…I don’t really like that,” He admitted hoarsely, without daring to look back at En Dwi, who stood in front of him right next to the scale. He could feel his gaze on him, the cold of it made goosebumps spread over his skin and he tightened the hold he had on his arms._

_“You really want to be a baby about this?” En Dwi sounded amused but the underlying tone of his voice was hard and cold as steel. “You- well, ha, you do realize that this is your job, right? You get hired for your body? Modelling? Remember that little something, that pays both our bills?”_

_Loki stayed quiet. His throat was becoming too tight to breathe._

_“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. I just- I don’t really see the problem here. Can you explain to me what your problem is?”_

_Loki shook his head slowly, lightly digging his nails into the skin of his upper arms._

_“It can’t all be fun and games for you Loki. And if I can’t even get your correct weight, well, you don’t leave me any choice but to send you back.”_

“Just the bathrobe, you can keep the rest of your clothes on,” The nurse told Loki, just as he moved to take off his shirt. “Please step on the scale. You can turn the other way if you don’t want to know your weight.”

Loki made a distasteful sound in the back of his throat as he stepped forward and came to stand on the scale. Despite how modern the facility was, the scale was old fashioned, like the one he had to step on during his annual examination when he was still a child in Iceland.

He hadn’t noticed that his heart rate had sped up until now, that his eyes were glued to the small monitor displaying his weight. Suddenly he found himself wishing that he really had turned away because the moment he stepped on the scale, the small red needle on the display began to quiver and move, rising higher and higher and Loki could feel his very soul tremble much as the needle itself did. The number it pointed at kept growing larger and larger until it finally came to a stand showing-

_“-three hundred gram more than the last time! Loki what on earth have you been doing?!”_

_“…nothing.”_

_“Nothing doesn’t make you gain almost an entire pound. Ha- nothing actually does the opposite. Don’t tell me you took from the chocolate mousse last night.”_

_Loki stayed quiet for a while. Tried not to start crying, as it always upset En Dwi._

_“I just had one. I’m sorry.”_

_“I told you not to take any!” En Dwi chastised angrily. “You- you know how it comes across to me?”_

_Loki shook his head._

_“Like you’re…doing that on purpose. You’ve had something to eat. It’s not like I made you go hungry like- like some kind of monster. You think I’m a monster for having the smallest, really just the smallest demands for you?”_

_“No,” Loki tried to briefly look up to meet En Dwi’s gaze. But he couldn’t hold it for long. The disappointment he saw there was too much to bear. “No, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I tried to resist.”_

_“Tried to-“ En Dwi laughed, a sound like clattering metal. “You’re…you’re cracking me up Loki. You make it sound like someone force-fed you chocolate mousse. But no one did. You just took it, with absolutely no need. You couldn’t have been hungry so briefly after dinner? It was just greed.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_A big fat tear fell from Loki’s eye and hit the tiles below him._

_“Oh, come on now, don’t get all teary-eyed on me. You know I’ve got a soft spot for you. Apropos soft spot-” All of a sudden En Dwi reached out to pinch Loki’s stomach, just below his belly button, hard enough to give the teasing gesture a malevolent tone. Loki yelped both from shock and unexpected pain, bringing his hands down to cover his stomach, as he stumbled backwards against the tiled wall._

_En Dwi laughed at his response, making Loki feel stupid on top of being hurt and ashamed._

_“Get dressed and join me for breakfast, so we can start taking care of your soft spots.”_

“Mister Laufeyson? You can step off the scale now.”

Loki tore his gaze away from the number displayed on the scale, which he must have stared at for the last few seconds. He went to pick up his bathrobe, careful to hide the shameful tears stinging in his eyes not even bothering to retie the belt. His fingers shook too badly. 

Another three hundred grams. At this point, it was just torture. Seeing the number rise higher and higher, while his body changed before his very eyes, it was a horror he hadn’t been prepared for when he decided to go to rehab. 

Within the last two days, he had even been moved to another ward. One that specialized in eating disorders alongside addiction. 

Which was ridiculous of course. 

He didn’t have an eating disorder. He was only maintaining a certain body type, one that allowed him to earn a lot of money and have a lot of success. And now he was patiently explained over and over again, how he was all wrong about this, how he was sick, and how all the work he had done was sick as well.

They had even less of an understanding of the situation than Thor and that really was saying something. 

Everything that made Loki feel uncomfortable, seemed to be on the treatment team’s to-do list. They purposefully tried making him eat foods that he wasn’t supposed to, for no other reason than to make him suffer. Or so it seemed.

Because why else would they do that? Loki himself surely had nothing to gain from it, except of course weight, which he was putting on steadily already.

At first, he had laughed at his therapist for suggesting he should try chocolate spread on toast for breakfast. Toast was made with white flour and wasn’t okay even on its own and putting chocolate on it just seemed excessively unhealthy and stupid. He would break out. He’d gain more weight. 

And for what? 

To answer his question, his therapist started talking about challenging his disordered thinking and opening new possibilities for himself. Learning to break those internal rules and achieve freedom. Bla bla bla. It was around that point that Loki tuned her out, deciding to just let her go on and on for however long she liked. 

He wouldn’t even try to explain to her how incredibly stupid she sounded.

However, in the end, all of her monologuing boiled down to one fact: Eat the chocolate toast or you won’t earn certain privileges. 

Privileges like unsupervised meals, or access to the gym and the sport rank. Weekends outside of the facility. And if he didn’t earn those privileges, he couldn’t start to fight his steady weight gain.

How did the saying go? Lose a battle win the war.

~

After the deeply humiliating experience of getting weighed, Loki got dressed and went downstairs to have his breakfast in the large and sunny hall, which was almost entirely empty, despite the appetizing looking buffet in the middle of it.

Rich people liked their privacy- unfortunately Loki wasn’t granted such a luxury. 

Instead, he was made to have his meals at one of the tables, together with multiple other patients, who were all suffering from an eating disorder of one kind or another, as well as one nurse to supervise the meal. Make sure everyone ate what they were supposed to, within a certain amount of time and without displaying any kinds of odd eating behaviours. 

In terms of being humiliating, the meals rivalled the ritualistic weighing in the mornings. 

There was only one empty chair at the table, which was meant for him, the others were already occupied by women, five patients, and one nurse. The latter one chastised him for being late, at which he merely rolled his eyes while slumping down on his chair.

Two of the women were born into rich families, more or less half-heartedly working in their parent’s business, if they were pretending to do work at all. They mostly interacted with each other, a classic case of people with old money sticking together. Another girl claimed she was a singer and Loki was pretty sure he’d seen her once at a gala or something though her name didn’t ring a bell and the two others were models.

They had gawked at Loki, when he had first come to join them at the table, a few days ago whispering to one another, as they obviously recognized him. Momentarily Loki felt better about himself but after thinking about it, it only thrust him deeper into his depression.

Of course, it was nice to be recognized, to be reminded that he used to be one of the industry’s greatest- but it also served as a harsh reminder that those days were over. This was just the fame that lingered, while his downfall had already begun.

Soon people would only look at him and wonder: ‘Is that really him? He used to be so successful. How could he have stooped so low?’

And right now he certainly felt lower than low, as he evenly spread chocolate cream on his toast and had to show the nurse his knife, to prove that half of the cream wasn’t still sticking to the blade. He briefly imagined stabbing someone with the knife, just before he put it down. Preferably the skinny model bitch right in front of him, who kept staring at his plate. And then he’d flip this damned table over, and leave this place-

But he didn’t. He put down the knife softly. 

Looked down at his plate, with the chocolate toast on it and took a deep breath. He could do this.

_“You can do this!” En Dwi told him cheerily, as he moved in the kitchen, while Loki was already sitting at the table, nervous as he waited. “You’ll lose those couple extra pounds in no time. I promise, I know all the secret little tricks, and this one worked just perfectly for the other models I coached. As long as they had a bit of discipline that is-“_

_En Dwi put down the plate in front of him, with a big benevolent smile, that stood in harsh contrast to the scarcity of the meal, he had served._

_The only thing on the plate was a hard-boiled egg, already peeled, and half a grapefruit with a silver spoon next to it._

_Loki picked up the egg, to find that it was cold, fresh out of the fridge. He looked at it unhappily for a moment but then cut it into halves and began eating, to avoid the risk of upsetting En Dwi. After having tested his patience two times already just this morning, Loki didn’t want to actually make him mad._

_He tried to eat slowly, mindfully, to make it feel like an actual meal but when he got to the grapefruit his face twisted in disgust. It was sour and bitter in a terribly unpleasant way, that didn’t go along at all with the taste of the egg he had just eaten._

_“You’ll grow to like it, come on,” En Dwi told him and took a sip from his black coffee. “And if you’re being good now, I’ll get you a little treat to get you some energy for the day.”_

_At this En Dwi winked at him and Loki instantly perked up- so far he’d only been allowed to use the white powder En Dwi always seemed to carry with him a handful of times but he loved the way it made him feel. Powerful, strong, and…happy._

_“We’ve got a lot ahead of us today,” En Dwi went on. “It’ll be so much fun, the photographer today he’s hilarious, you’ll love him and I’m just certain he’ll love you too! He photographed Kate Moss on her last Vogue cover. This shoot will put you on the map honey!”_

_En Dwi smiled brightly back at him and a hesitant smile bloomed on Loki’s face in response._

_“You think so?”_

_“Think so? Loki darling, I’m absolutely certain. You’re going to be just fine- you just need some discipline, that’s all.”_

The blonde model who had already been staring at his plate the moment he reached for the toast shot him an ugly look, as Loki took the first bite of his toast- it was a mix of jealousy, disgust, and triumph. 

‘I didn’t expect you to give in so quickly. Look at me. I’m still strong enough to stick to the rules.’ 

Or at least that’s what Loki imagined to be able to read in her gaze.

She was skinny, even for modelling standards, and took dainty bites of her rye bread, doing her very best to make it obvious that she was absolutely not enjoying any of this. Yesterday she had smeared the butter to the underside of the table. And even though she was found out, she looked so damned smug about the whole affair, because she had been able to prove her determination- even though of course it had been futile and more than a little bit pathetic, Loki had felt a stab of jealousy at her discipline.

He didn’t struggle half as much as he’d want to, with the withdrawal still affecting his appetite.

All along Loki tried ignoring her. Taking one bite after the other, thinking of all the freedom it would get him. Yes. He had to eat this, not because he wanted to, or god forbid because he was enjoying it, but because he couldn’t stay stuck here. 

If he ate properly, he might be able to join Thor’s camping trip. And even though his feelings towards the trip were ambiguous, during the long sleepless hours he spent staring at the ceiling and thinking, he dreamed about going more and more often. 

“You’ve got some chocolate on your chin. The second one,” The young woman in front of him pointed out, her plumped lips quirking up into a nasty smirk. The others at the table couldn’t help but look over at him, compulsively trying to catch a look, like it was really that scandalous. Like he was caught with his dick out or something- and suddenly Loki was just so fed up. 

“Miss Keller, quiet please,” The nurse said, but neither of them paid any attention to her.

“Yeah? Do I?” Loki shot back at her, his voice cutting like a blade. “Thanks for pointing that out to me. Maybe you want some too? Some chocolate on your face would at least make you look memorable- something I imagine you’re struggling with? Maybe that’ll get you something more than the occasional Walmart advertisement deal.”

For a moment the girl stared at him, with her lips slightly ajar as she processed the verbal blow Loki had just dealt her but just as she had recovered and sucked in a breath of air, to fuel her comeback, the nurse at the table stepped in, slamming one hand on the table to get their attention.

“Stop it! None of that while the meal is going on!” She said firmly, but Loki only smirked.

“I had nothing more to say anyways,” He said, and took another bite of his toast, while all around him was tense silence.

Having the last word really was the best. 

It gave him at least a tiny, ill-natured relief from the situation.

>center>~>center/>

“Have you been good?”

Thor’s voice felt like something physical, rough, and warm and Loki felt a shiver trickle down his spine.

“Why are you asking?” Loki shot back, grateful that the grin playing around his lips remained a secret to Thor.

But Thor could probably hear it in his voice nonetheless because through the phone Loki heard a chuckle, low and warm.

“Okay, so that answers my question.”

“Well, what are you going to do about it?” 

“Get undressed and I’ll show you.”

Usually, Loki would have complied instantly, made half-hard by the order alone. He would have only been disappointed that Thor wouldn’t be able to see the body he worked so hard for. But now he felt himself hesitate.

As a model, he never struggled to reveal himself. After all, it was asked of him on a daily basis, by strangers, ready to scrutinize every detail of his appearance- but he didn’t have a model’s body anymore. He didn’t look like he was led to believe that he should- and it was a change that he couldn’t get used to. Couldn’t get comfortable with.

Loki briefly considered, lying to Thor, telling him that he was naked when he wasn’t. Their talk might come to a very sudden, unpleasant halt if he didn’t. 

But then again, everything that would follow would have a stale taste. He’d ruin the illusion of Thor’s control before they had even begun playing and that would be sad, especially since Loki had actually looked forward to this.

“…do I have to?” Loki asked softly, pulling his shoulders up at the sigh he heard in response. There. He had ruined everything. 

“No, it’s okay you don’t have to,” Thor said. But Loki’s shoulders didn’t relax again. Was that disappointment in Thor’s voice? Did he hear a trace of anger there? It was hard to tell over the phone. 

“But maybe you don’t have to stay fully dressed either,” Thor went on after a brief pause. “How about you take either your shirt or your pants off?” 

Loki didn’t answer. His heart had started racing and he was worried about what his voice might betray once he started to speak.

“Loki? Do you think you can do that? It’s an actual question. Not an order in disguise. You can actually say no. Or if it makes it easier for you, you can get under the covers right away.”

Loki turned off his microphone for a moment. Took a shaky breath. Cleared his throat. Then turned the mic on again.

“Yes. I think I can take off my pants. If it must be.”

“Okay then. Go ahead.”

“Alright.”

Loki gulped, as he put his phone down on the nightstand next to the bed and pushed his sweatpants past his hips, along with his underwear. That was okay, he told himself. 

He tried not to pay too much attention to the way his legs looked, didn’t try to compare them to how they used to look, and spot all the differences- it would be a certain way to ruin the mood.

At this point, he already wasn’t sure if he could even get it up, with how nervous he had become all of a sudden.

“Done,” Loki said, his pants in a heap on the floor, as he settled down in bed and pulled the blanket over his waist.

“Perfect. You’re being so good, I know that was hard,” Thor said, and as always, the praise drew a visceral reaction from Loki, a warm shiver that washed through his body, as well as a small sigh, that must have been audible through the phone.

“Get one hand under your shirt and start rolling your nipple between your fingers. Nice and slow.”

Nice and slow wasn’t the pace Loki had imagined for them. They never went nice and slow during their actual sessions, so what was the point of making this already diluted experience any more boring? 

But he did as he was told nonetheless, and a soft gasp fell from his lips as he pinched the rosy bud. It was nice at first but quickly lost its charm to Loki, who was used to moving at a much quicker pace. Especially since Thor just let him go at it for what felt like an eternity. 

Loki found that he was becoming annoyed. And a little bored too.

“I was right,” Loki breathed out at one point. “That really is the lamest thing I’ve ever done- I hope you’re not expecting to get paid for this.”

“Quit whining,” Thor ordered and the stern tone, drew an unexpected sound from the back of Loki’s throat. That was more like it. “And don’t get carried away. You’ll do what I say, nothing more and nothing less.”

“Yes,” Loki whispered in response. He hadn’t been truly aroused until now, his anxiety eclipsing his needs. But the idea that he wouldn’t be allowed to go ahead and touch himself if he wanted to- well that suddenly made him want it like nothing else. 

“That’s good,” Thor said, having turned gentle once more. “Tell me how you’re feeling. Do you want to touch yourself?”

“Yes,” Loki said again, feeling his hand twitch to reach down, to where he was starting to grow hard. But he held himself back, gripped the sheets with a soft sound coming from the back of his throat. “I’m…I really want to. More than I thought I would.”

“Are you going to ask me nicely?”

Loki groaned in frustration and let his head drop against the pillows. The amused chuckle he heard from the other side of the line, only riled him up further. He swallowed down his biting sarcasm and his sharp remarks though- he knew that while Thor wasn’t capable of true cruelty, he could very well make him suffer.

“Please?” He breathed out, surprising himself with the pleading tone that had easily crept into his voice. “I really want to.”

“Hm. Alright then…you may touch yourself, but you may only use one finger.”

“Are you serious?” Loki blinked in disbelief. “What the hell am I supposed to do with one finger?”

“I trust your imagination in that one.”

Loki scoffed, but he didn’t go on to argue- the idea was oddly thrilling despite being ridiculous, even though he wouldn’t admit it that openly in front of Thor. He licked his lips and reached down, tracing the length of his cock with his index finger, which drew a shudder from him. 

“Describe to me what you’re doing,” Thor demanded through the phone, and Loki imagined that his voice had grown a hint darker with desire.

“I’m just tracing the length of it. Slowly. And now I’m circling the head-“ Loki broke off in a tiny gasp, as he brushed along an especially sensitive spot, but couldn’t do anything to heighten the sensation of it.

“Does it feel good?”

“No- I mean yes…it feels good. But it’s not enough. I just. I can’t get off on it.”

“Well, you’re not supposed to,” Thor said, making Loki release a soft whine. “Not yet at least. I want you to go on a bit longer. And let me hear you.”

“Does it turn you on?” Loki asked in between the soft gasps spilling from his lips.

“Of course, it does,” Thor answered, and something had slipped into his voice, that was hard for Loki to pinpoint. He just sounded so…fond.

“Are you touching yourself too?” Loki went on, eager to find out how he was affecting Thor. 

“Yes, maybe so,” Thor chuckled. “But I want you to focus on yourself now. I’ll just be enjoying myself along the way.”

A quiet moan slipped past Loki’s lips, imagining Thor, beautiful Thor, aroused by just the idea of him, without even an image to go along with it. The thought made his dick twitch under his own touch. And even though it was maddening and the sounds coming from the back of Loki’s throat grew more frustrated and erratic, Thor let him keep at it until the first time that instead of a whine or a broken moan, a quiet sob was released from his chest.

“Stop touching yourself,” Thor demanded then, and Loki obeyed with an unhappy whine- the touch had barely done anything to satisfy him, but the loss of it still made him writhe on the sheets.

“Where do you keep the necklace I gave you?” Thor asked and Loki’s hand immediately reached up, to touch the pendant, where it rested against his skin below his shirt. Warm from the heat of his body, with a comfortable weight to it.

“I’m wearing it,” Loki admitted.

“Have you worn it the entire time?”

“…yes.”

“Have you used it yet?”

“No,” Loki felt heat rise up to his cheeks and he could picture how they must be flushing a dusty pink, growing hotter as Thor went on talking.

“You’ve waited for us to use it together?” Thor sounded very obviously pleased- something that Loki just couldn’t stand without shooting back with some snarky remark.

“Obviously. Can’t risk making this game even lamer by spoiling the most exciting part of this entire affair.”

For just a moment there was quiet from Thor, and Loki held his breath, but then the other man spoke up again, nonchalant and neutral.

“Great, we’re on the same page then. I’ll try my best not to make things too boring for you. 

But for now, take off the pendant and turn it on. Then put it to the base of your dick and just hold it there for a moment. And talk to me some more. I want to know what you’re feeling.”

Loki rolled his eyes, at the sheer string of orders he just received but he followed them nonetheless with an eagerness, fuelled by burning need. He really was more desperate than he let on, both because he craved the contact to Thor, as much as the pleasure, that his body was starving for.

The warm smooth metal felt nice beneath his fingertips, familiar, as he had touched it many times now, whenever he was starting to feel anxious or lonely- which he did almost constantly these days.

And while he had fantasized about using the toy on himself, he had not given in. It would have spoiled the moment between him and Thor and ruined the anticipation. And despite his need, he probably wouldn’t have been able to touch himself, without Thor’s warm voice to guide him through it anyways.

He was too estranged from his own body, to enjoy himself with nothing else to focus on, except for the way his limbs felt, how they looked, how they changed- 

Loki pushed those thoughts away before they could gain the upper hand, concentrating instead on what Thor had told him to do, using the orders as a guiding line. 

“I like the pendant,” Loki admitted, once he had taken it off and looked at it for a moment. “Can’t believe you picked something that beautiful for me. I underestimated your sense of fashion.”

“I guess you did. I’m a man of many talents.”

A smile spread on Loki’s face then and he shook his head. But then he remembered what Thor had told him to do and pressed the tiny button at the top of the pendant. This time he was prepared for the quiet but powerful buzz that came alive between his fingers. He was eager to get it on his cock, which was resting heated and neglected against his thigh.

He reached under the blanket and pressed the vibrator down, just to where Thor had told him. 

He had yearned for that moment, but he still wasn’t quite prepared for the effects the steady vibrations had pressed against the sensitive and responsive skin. The feeling wasn’t just limited to where the device was touching him, but rather, it sent an entire wave of sensation through his body, which resulted in a long, heavy moan falling from his parted lips.

“It’s that good?” Thor asked. “Tell me how it feels.”

“It feels-“ Loki had to swallow, his throat was suddenly so dry. “-it feels good. Intense. Makes me want more.”

“Greedy,” Thor chastised but his voice remained gentle. And there was more of the same fondness Loki had noticed before. “What do you want?”

“I want to move it. Up to the head of my cock. I need to be touched there…”

“Okay. Do it then. But I want you to move it very slowly. And tell me when you’ve reached the top.”

Loki shuddered, as he dragged the vibrating pendant up his dick, much slower than he would have liked to but the build-up was as thrilling as it was torturous, especially when his body was already fired up with need and he no longer cared about the moans slipping from him.

By the time he reached the head, he found that it was already slick with pre-come, making the smooth metal glide over it effortlessly, which drew a choked gasp from Loki. 

“I’m there,” Loki said breathlessly, once he remembered that he was supposed to tell Thor. It was hard focusing on much else besides the maddening vibrations, focused solely on the very tip of his cock.

“I could tell,” Thor said, his own voice had taken on a strained sound. “Hold it there. How close are you?”

“Really close,” Loki panted, his eyes wide open, yet not focused on anything, as he became lost in the vivid sensation, that kept building up, steadily reaching the point of becoming unbearable. “I can’t hold back. It’s so good.” 

“Put it away.”

The heat was momentarily overshadowed by the icy cold shock at Thor’s words.

“What?” He asked stupidly, still pressing the toy against his cock, even though he was no longer as focused on the sensation as he was just a moment ago. 

“You’ve heard me,” Thor said firmly. “Take the vibrator off your dick. Then turn it off.”

Loki hesitated still- the need was too great, he was so very close. But that probably was the entire point. And the thought of it was oddly enough so arousing that he actually did as he was told, but not without a frustrated cry, to let Thor know just how he felt about it.

“Why did you do that?” Loki asked, breathless and frustrated, still painfully hard. 

“I wouldn’t want to risk for things to become too…lame for you,” Thor pointed out with a quiet laugh. “Thought this might make things a bit more exciting for you. I hope you’re not bored?”

“No…” Loki whined squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Are you sure? I feel like just coming might not be interesting enough for you.”

“No, it’s- Thoor…” Loki whimpered, gripping the sheets with one hand, to keep himself from reaching down. “Please. I didn’t mean it.”

“Hm. Why do you keep saying things you don’t mean, I wonder?”

“Thor, please. No therapy talk.”

At that Thor outright laughed and Loki could picture him perfectly, his bright eyes, the crinkled lines around them, and the line of white teeth revealed by the sunny smile across his face. It made Loki almost forgive him for his blatant cruelty. Almost.

“Okay, I’ll try to hold back. To make up for it, you may turn the vibrator on again and use it on yourself. You can do whatever you want with it, but I want you to tell me what it is.”

This time around Loki was more than eager to do as he was told and he hurried to press the button, to make the small vibrator come back to life and immediately pressed it to the top of his dick with a drawn-out moan.

“I’m putting it against the head of my cock now,” He told Thor, feeling a rare flush spread on his cheeks. “It feels so good. It’s so strong. And ah- I just- just put it right below the crown. Oh god. It’s perfect.”

“Are you going to come from it?” 

“Not yet,” Loki admitted breathlessly. “But I’m about to.”

“Do you want to?” Thor asked and Loki wrapped the hand holding the vibrator tighter around his cock, fearing that he might be made to stop once more.

“Yes, so badly. Thor, please. I really need to…”

“You don’t need me to build up some more anticipation for you?”

“No. No, don’t. Please. I didn’t mean it, Thor. I was just- I was just being bratty. Please let me come.”

“That sounds honest enough for me,” Thor’s voice was quiet on the other side of the line. “Go ahead. Let me hear you though.”

And Loki was sure to do just that. After all of the teasing and denial, it was only a matter of minutes, before his pleasure spiked and he spilled over his hand, with a strangled sound. He pressed the vibrator to his dick for another few seconds, while his hips bucked up before the pleasure died down and the sensation became far too intense to bear.

He was breathless and his fingers struggled to find the button to turn the vibrator off, as he settled down in bed, still buzzing pleasantly from the orgasm that had only just washed through him. 

“Are you okay?”

Loki looked over at the phone, that was still lying next to him on the nightstand and reached for it. When he tapped the screen, it lit up and he could see Thor’s profile picture, taken on a sunny day, in a park, grinning brightly into the camera- and suddenly Loki wished that he was actually here, right next to him, now.

To wrap his arms around his shoulders and hold him, nice and tight. Just be there. 

Which contradicted everything Loki had ever asked of Thor, whenever they had actually had a session.

It was just so typical of him, Loki thought with a wry smile, for him to want exactly what he can’t have, no matter the situation.

“Yeah,” Loki said and cleared his throat when he found that his voice came out kind of hoarse. “I’m okay. How about you?”

“More than okay,” Again Loki could hear the smile in Thor’s voice.

“Did you come?” Loki asked curiously.

“I did,” Thor said, not sounding the least bit ashamed of that fact. “But can you give me some more feedback? How was that experience for you?”

“It was…it was nice,” Loki admitted and then stopped to think about the question before he continued to speak. “But I think I prefer it when you’re actually present.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way. But you do realize why we’ve got to take things slow, right?”

“Well, I suppose because of the rehab,” Loki paused. “And because you think I’m some fragile doll who can’t handle it.”

Thor sighed.

“Yes and no. Right now, you _are_ fragile. It would be stupid to pretend otherwise. But that doesn’t mean we’ll never go back to where we’ve been again. Maybe we’ll even get somewhere better.”

Loki scoffed but kept his thoughts to himself- no point in destroying the only good thing that has happened to him all day.

But of course, Thor had to go on and prod.

“And how are you really doing? In general, I mean?”

“Let’s not ruin the mood,” Loki said, his voice had already become guarded.

For a moment there was nothing but quiet between them and Loki thought that Thor would just insist on his question, and really turn everything to shit, but what he said next came as a surprise.

“You’re right. We shouldn’t mix things up that way, that wasn’t fair of me. Especially not after you already opened up to me about how you were feeling.”

Loki stared at the phone stupidly, as Thor went on in the same tone.

“How about I come by in the afternoon instead?”

“Uhm…yeah. I’d like that,” Loki answered, sitting up in bed and running one hand through his hair. “Therapy goes until four-thirty, so you can come afterwards.”

“Sure. Want me to bring you anything?”

“No. No, I think I’m good. I’m just looking forward to seeing you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that it took me so long to complete this chapter! I just kept opening the file only to find that I had forgotten everything I've ever known about writing lmaoo. But suddenly I look down and it's over 6k words...I hope you don't mind a lengthy chapter! Thank you as always for your kindness and patience, I'd love to hear your thoughts!!!


	18. Chapter 18

“We actually were hesitant about letting Mister Laufeyson leave the clinic yet,” The woman with the expression hard as granite told Thor. “He still voices suicidal thoughts, his depression only barely improved, and his progress regarding his eating disorder is unsteady. On some days he will go along with everything that is asked of him and on other days, he will try to break the rules with lies and trickeries.”

Thor gulped. He’d known things were bad with Loki…he’d known since that very first session they had an eternity ago, but somehow, he had hoped recovery would be…easier than this. He had hoped that all Loki would have to do was to make one hard decision before things would get better.

Now he felt like a fool for believing that.

“We are taking a risk letting him go. And you are taking a risk letting him come along. It might not be easy,” The woman went on to explain, her dark eyes imploring Thor to take this seriously.

“I know,” Thor said, his voice firm and steady. “I don’t need things to be easy. I just want Loki to come along.”

“Brave words,” Romanoff remarked and lifted a brow, the only movement in her mimic since the conversation started. 

“We count more on rationality than bravery. But we still decided to let Loki come along on your trip. He is not acutely suicidal, the withdrawal symptoms have gone down significantly and he is no longer underweight. You can’t make him eat, or stop him from excessively exercising, not even we can, so you shouldn’t feel responsible about that.” 

Thor nodded listening to her. The words eased an invisible weight off his shoulders. He wouldn’t be held accountable for everything Loki did. But then Romanoff went on and some of the heaviness returned. 

“What you are responsible for, however, is creating a safe environment. No alcohol. No drugs. If Mister Laufeyson is going to come along, there won’t be some beer by the fireside, or a joint to go around. No matter how harmless it might appear to you, there are absolutely no exceptions from this rule.”

Thor nodded his head. This rule shouldn’t come as much of a surprise ever since Loki had told him about the urge to snort sugar when Thor had first visited him, but it was something different to have the responsibility directly transferred to him.

Once more his job gave Thor reassurance- he took on a lot of responsibility every day. People trusted him to keep him safe and he always managed to do so. He could keep Loki safe too. At least to a degree.

He would just have to tell each and every single one of his friends that this time around they would have to be mindful. And he would have to make it just as clear to them, as Miss Romanoff was making it to him, how crucial this was.

“Of course. I’ll make sure there won’t be anything, I promise.”

“I hope so. Mister Laufeyson is an addict. He has been for a very long time of his life and there is no going back from this. He will always need to be careful but right now he is in an especially vulnerable position and he needs the people around him to look out for him too. He is prone to developing a new addiction, especially in his phase of recovery. Trust me, it is hard enough as it is, there is no need to make it any harder on him.”

“I know,” Thor said. He was trying not to become defensive, but he just couldn’t help to, when Romanoff seemed not to trust him in understanding the importance of this situation. 

Because he did. 

Thor had been _there_ when Loki had had his overdose. He had seen the harrowing effects of Loki’s addiction himself. He had watched Loki’s eyes grow distant, his hands cold and limp, the nightmarish vision still haunted him- how could Romanoff believe that he would ever take this lightly?

But thinking about it Thor supposed it made sense. If she hadn’t told him, would he have thought of removing all alcohol? Perhaps not. None of them could take any chances at this point.

And at the end of the day, they both just wanted Loki to be alright and that made Thor feel a strong connection to this woman. 

“I swear, I’m not taking this lightly. No beer, no weed, no nothing. I’ll make sure my friends know and I know they’ll take it seriously too, they're responsible people.”

“That’s what I’m hoping,” Miss Romanoff said. Her expression was still serious, but her tone had gone a little bit softer now. “As I said, we are all taking a risk here, including Mister Laufeyson. But it’s a calculated one. And Mister Laufeyson has a lot to gain from this trip. He likes you. Your visits greatly improve his mood and motivate him. And he’s actually been looking forward to coming along. He needs things to look forward to and I believe connecting with nature and leaving the facility will benefit him as well.”

For the first time since they had started talking, Romanoff offered him the smallest, briefest smile and Thor couldn’t help smiling back at her.

Maybe things really were going to be okay. Even if they weren’t going to be easy.

~

Thor entered the facility through the glass door that opened on its own before him and he took a look around the foyer, in search of Loki.

Loki was never hard to spot, Thor’s gaze was automatically drawn to him like a magnet and when he laid eyes on him, Thor’s mouth parted. 

Loki was sitting in the lobby, on one of the fancy, minimalistic chairs, his long legs crossed over one another, sturdy black leather boots on his feet, that reached up to his calves, black jeans, and an elegant, olive green wool cape, that was closed in the front with a golden latch. 

The cape’s high collar brought out Loki’s sharp features, which had softened a bit over the last few weeks, made him look gentler, younger than before. His jaw and cheekbones no longer stood out aggressively sharp, but they were still defined- his face was still so very much Loki.

His dark hair no longer fell down his shoulder in unkempt, tangled locks, it was neatly cut and combed the way Loki preferred but he had skipped the large amounts of gel, that had kept his hair so harshly back and made the strands hard and spiky like needles. They were softly falling around Loki’s face now and as Thor got a closer look, he realized that they were no longer pitch black but rather a dark walnut brown, that gave Loki’s face a hint of warmth.

Thor moved towards Loki, who hadn’t noticed him yet, he was looking into his phone indifferently and didn’t look up until Thor stood right before him.

“Wow, Loki,” Thor said, his voice dry, with genuine awe. “You look amazing.”

“I’ve set the bar pretty low those past few weeks,” Loki looked up with the ghost of one of his sharp, clever smiles playing around his lips and the sight of it warmed Thor’s heart. “I suppose anything is an upgrade from jogging pants and slippers.”

“You look wonderful,” Thor repeated, just because he knew how much Loki enjoyed hearing the compliment, and really, the continued praise made the faintest bit of rose bloom on Loki’s pale cheeks, making him all the more beautiful. “You’re absolutely stunning, I mean it. But you’ve brought stuff that you don’t mind getting dirty, right?”

“You’ve made it abundantly clear, that I shouldn’t bring anything too precious. And I followed your advice, those are all my second-class clothes,” Loki said as he got up, the cape that reached to his upper thighs made him look beautifully sophisticated. Not at all second-class.

“Second-class clothes, I didn’t know you even have that kind of stuff,” Thor joked, as he picked up Loki’s suitcase and started walking towards the exit, Loki following next to him with a slow, graceful stride.

“Scandalous I know. But when cleaning out my wardrobe, it turned out that I was gifted some more…robust clothing than I would otherwise purchase, from some photoshoots. Perfect for something as primitive as camping.”

Thor snorted a dry laugh as he opened the car’s trunk and put Loki’s suitcase inside, along with his own bag, the tent, and the sleeping bags and blankets he had brought. 

He opened the door for Loki, who got inside with such grace that it made Thor’s heart swell with fondness for this beautiful, cocky person, that he was glad to see Loki could still be, even after everything he had been put through.

Then he got on the driver’s seat and started the motor.

“So…cleaning out your wardrobe. How did that go?” Thor asked conversationally, even though he was fully aware that this was a very sensitive subject for Loki.

“Ugly. Two panic attacks, one fit of rage that a stunning Salvatore Ferragamo suit didn’t survive. Lots of crying. The social worker who accompanied was probably not paid enough to put with me that day,” Loki answered. He too tried to keep his tone light, to match Thor’s but his voice was clearly tense, and he had to swallow a few times before he went on talking. “A lot of my things no longer fit me. There’s not much that can be done about it. I went up at least two sizes…basically all my suits, shirts, and pants are too small for me now. I’m not sure what to do with them. Sell them, burn them, throw them in the trash? Right now they’re just packed away in boxes.”

Loki shrugged and pretended to rub his eyes but glancing over Thor knew that he was wiping away tears.

“But can’t you buy new clothes?” Thor tried carefully. The facility was already located outside of the city and they were passing some suburbs now, which would soon turn into sparse villages, among wide fields and deep forests. “Wouldn’t that be fun? Some shopping, letting go of the old and getting something new?”

“Those pieces are invaluable,” Loki explained with a sigh. “They are one of a kind, the very highlights of hundreds of collections, by the best designers worldwide. I spent so much time selecting them, getting my hands on those limited pieces before they would be gone forever. And also I’m afraid I don’t have the money to finance my usual shopping habits. Actually, I’m pretty much broke.”

Thor looked over at Loki in surprise.

“You must have some savings,” He asked, disbelieving. “You’ve made so much money all the time, you must have put something aside.”

“En Dwi took care of my finances,” Loki said and if his voice had been tense before, now it was stiff and brittle, ready to break any moment. “The money I earned always went to one of his bank accounts. I have a bit of money on my credit card and some cash. But that’s it. And since there’s nothing coming in for a while that’s well…you can do the math I’m sure.”

Thor tightened his grip on the wheel.

This dirtbag. This absolute human scum. All he could think about now was that he wished that he would have gotten in another good hit that night at the hospital.

“I’m really sorry Loki,” Thor said genuinely. “That’s awful. Is there any way…certainly that can’t be legal?”

“Thor,” Loki sighed wearily. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Okay,” Thor swallowed down his burning rage and made himself take a few deep breaths and finally he relaxed his hands on the steering wheel. En Dwi had taken so much from Loki. He wouldn’t get this weekend as well. 

They stayed quiet after that brief exchange, Loki looked out of the window, while music came from the radio, accompanying them as the shallow fields turned into gently curving hills, that slowly grew steeper and higher until in the distance the mountain ranges appeared, still a dreamy, dusky blue, that made them look unreal, impalpable as the clouds drifting across the sky, but as they got closer, they became clearer, greener, their jagged edges and snow-capped tops came into view.

They passed serene lakes that rested within the valleys and crossed bridges leading over large, silvery rivers, as the road snaked its way upwards the mountain ranges, taking them higher and higher. 

“Have you ever been up here?” Thor asked when he noticed that Loki’s eyes were wide with wonder, at the sheer beauty that met them at every twist of the road, giving him a new and surprising view of the valleys beneath them and the peaks all around.

“No,” The young man admitted, briefly looking at Thor before he turned back towards the window. “There was never really a reason for me to go. And certainly no time.”

Thor smiled to himself.

“You want to make a stop?” Thor asked. The road was following a stream and the early afternoon sun sent golden rays through the leaves, which sparkled on the flowing water, making it look so very inviting. 

“Sure,” Loki answered. “I’d like that.”

And that’s what they did. 

Thor took one of the blankets he had brought along and lied it on a large boulder that was resting in the middle of the shallow river and brought along the backpack that had some food inside. Some sandwiches, fruit, and snacks. It wasn’t much but with the scenery around them, it felt absolutely wonderful. 

To Thor at least. 

He looked over at Loki, who had made his way across the stones with unmatched elegance, never once getting his feet wet. He sat down on the blanket and watched the bright river rush past them with an unreadable expression on his face. 

“You like it so far?” Thor asked hopefully. “Or do you regret letting me take you into the wilderness already?”

“Well, so far the number of blisters on my feet is zero just like the number of insect bites on my body, so my decision is not yet definitive but so far it’s…nice,” Loki admitted and leaned down a little to feel the cold water run through his long fingers. “It’s quiet. Serene. At least now that your friends aren’t around yet, again I might still change my mind about this.”

Thor handed Loki a sandwich and the young man withdrew his hand from the river and took it before he opened it to check what was inside. He removed a pickle with a disgusted expression but then he took the first bite.

Thor just shook his head, relieved to see that some things never seemed to change.

“My father used to take us hiking sometimes,” Loki went on unprompted, as he looked thoughtfully ahead of himself. “Sometimes we were very far away from civilization, we just had our tent and our sleeping bags. There were no houses, sometimes not even a path, but he always knew where we were going and at night, he told us stories of the elves and gnomes inhabiting this land. I believed every word.”

Loki chuckled as he took another bite from his sandwich, chewed on it for a few moments before he continued.

“That was before he lost his job of course. Before he started drinking. After that, he rarely left the city anymore, not even as he got a new job. But I’m not as much of a city-dwelling fashionista as I might have let on. You’re not introducing me to the concept of nature as a whole. And I’ve had some photoshoots in some scenic locations too if that counts for anything.”

“I never thought I’d introduce you to nature as a whole,” Thor chuckled. He was already almost done with his sandwich, while Loki was still eating in small bites. “But I wanted to show you some new spots. Maybe some new way to be in nature. You know, I’ve never gone camping with my parents. It would be far too uncomfortable and inconvenient for them, we’ve always just gone to our cabin by the fiords. I think you’d like it there too.”

“Not that I’ll ever find out,” Loki pointed out with a dry snort. “You’re not talking to your father for understandable reasons. And even then, I doubt you’d introduce me to your parents.”

Thor frowned hearing that. 

“Why is that?”

Loki shrugged his shoulders, looked at Thor with a lifted brow like the answer was so obvious that the question in itself was stupid.

“Hey mom, hey dad, this is my depressed, junkie ex-model non-boyfriend, whom I’ve dommed for quite a while, but never fucked, don’t you worry guys, things are perfectly normal and uncomplicated between us,” Loki said, in an obnoxiously deep voice, that absolutely didn’t sound like Thor at all.

“Haha,” Thor said dryly. “Been practicing your impersonations all that time?”

“It’s pretty spot-on, isn’t it?” Loki asked, with a wicked, sharp smile playing around his lips, the one Thor loved so much.

“I know things aren’t exactly…well, it’s a bit complicated, maybe,” Thor admitted.

“A tiny bit.”

“So, I’m not sure if this makes it any less complicated. But…you’ve said this thing a while ago. About how you couldn’t be with me, if I keep doing work that makes me intimate with other people,” Thor briefly glanced over at Loki, who was looking at him curiously. “And it got me thinking. You’re right. As long as I do this job, I won’t be able to be with anyone…not really. It would be unfair. At first, it made me angry, because I love what I’m doing, and I’ve gotten good at it. But then I realized that I didn’t have to change my line of work entirely.”

There was a brief pause between them before Loki spoke up.

“Now I’m extremely curious because as far as I know there isn’t an abundance of related jobs, that would solve the problem at hand.”

“I’m going to give lessons from now on,” Thor blurted out.

“Wait what, BDSM lessons? Is that a thing?” Loki asked with a deepening frown. 

“It is actually. Couples or Doms, who want to learn either the basics or special techniques, different kinds of knots or whatnot. Everyone stays fully clothed, no funny business. All I do is give them instructions. I got some extra qualifications, a few courses, so I’ll know what I’m doing. I need to get some new marketing, but people know me around and I’ve got a good reputation. I think I can get people to show up.”

“And you did that for me?” Loki said in disbelief and when Thor looked at his face, it was so beautifully open, hopeful, and afraid, all at the same time. His own features softened, and he smiled at Loki.

“I’d like to say that’s not the only reason…but that would be a lie,” Thor admitted. “I didn’t realize how impossible it would be to just go on the way I always did after I met you. I can’t treat my clients the same way I always did. I can’t get comfortable with being intimate with them anymore. Just…everything changed.”

“Are you saying that you…?” Loki’s voice was soft, so quiet almost that the river’s sounds almost swallowed it up.

“I just wanted to open up that door for you,” Thor said hoarsely and swallowed. “Make things less complicated. This isn’t to make you feel obliged…but I guess I just wanted to give this...thing between us a chance. And maybe it might not be enough for you. Maybe you still are uncomfortable with the idea of me staying in the same business. But I can’t give up everything, you see?”

“Yes. I see. Giving up everything sucks, believe me,” Loki said seriously and Thor knew that he was speaking from all too fresh experience. “But if that’s what you’re asking, I think it would be enough for me. I could live with it. Theoretically, I mean. If I even were available for anything romantic at the moment.”

“You’re not?”

“Well, I’ve been in rehab for three months and they barely let me leave for the weekend. I’d say that makes me pretty unavailable.”

“You think love works like that?” Thor asked softly. “You get to decide whether or not you’re available? It never really worked that way for me at least.”

“Well, maybe a broader sense of unavailability- I just don’t think I’m relationship material,” Loki said, and as he spoke he looked down into the stream, rather than looking at Thor. 

“Pretty harsh to think of oneself as nothing but material,” Thor pointed out, which drew a huff from Loki.

“Not sure I can think of myself as anything else. I’m material. A product. I was grade A modelling material. But you can’t make much else of me apart from that, I feel like I’m pretty used up as far as material goes.”

“I think you and I have a different understanding of love,” Thor tried, shifting a bit closer towards Loki, who was still just looking down. “I can’t think of you in terms of availability or material. When I think of you Loki, when I look at you, I don’t see any of that…I just see you. And then I just can’t help falling for you.”

Loki looked back at Thor now, his eyes wide like a deer that was caught in the headlights, as he tried to comprehend what Thor had just told him, worried that he might have misunderstood, scared of what he would get into if he acknowledged the deep sentiment running through those words. 

But then his expression softened, the defensiveness left his face, leaving an unsure hopefulness, that illuminated his face in a way Thor had never seen before, brighter and more beautiful than the sun shining through the leaves and glittering on the water’s surface.

“You mean that?” Loki asked, his voice was so quiet, the words almost got lost in the quiet gurgle of the stream and Thor just couldn’t stand being apart from Loki for even a moment longer, he couldn’t risk for this moment to just float away.

Thor leaned forward, closing the distance between them until their lips met, warm in the cool spring air. For a heartbeat their lips were connected, and nothing happened, Loki had frozen and Thor was just about to withdraw, when he felt a hand at the back of his neck, pulling him closer into the kiss. 

And for a moment everything just stopped moving.

The river stopped flowing, the clouds stopped drifting across the sky, the wind stilled and the birds grew quiet. 

It was only them. And it was all Thor had been hoping for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's been a while since the last chapter but I hope that I can finally return to uploading more regularly. You've been so patient and lovely this entire time and it really means so much to me, so thank you for that!
> 
> Also, is this chapter corny? Yes.  
> Do I care? No.
> 
> I really think the both of them deserve some happiness, after everything they've gone through and I hope you think the same way and enjoyed reading. I would love to hear your thoughts, as you know it always makes me so happy to be reading through your comments <3


	19. Chapter 19

So, this was what mediocracy felt like.

Sitting on logs around a blazing fire, cuddled up in blankets, while the moon’s cool light painted everything outside of fire’s shine blue and silver, as the smell of burning wood and caramelized sugar filled the air.

It was beautiful. Perfect even, which made Loki all the more shocked by how deeply unhappy he felt.

The feeling had set in in the late afternoon when bit by bit Thor’s friends arrived at the camping spot and a wild back and forth began, of people greeting one another, helping each other setting up their tents, joking and laughing as they prepared the fireplace, hung up hammocks between the trees and collected firewood.

There was an effort to make Loki feel like he belonged, and Thor practically urged his friends to include Loki in whatever they were doing but despite their good intention it felt forced. Loki was the outsider.

His knowledge about setting up tents was clearly rusty because he failed miserably when helping Thor and the frustration was enough to almost set him off into a fit, but he controlled himself- he wasn’t used to being bad at things.

He was used to being efficient, professional, and graceful in everything he did but it seemed he was done with that. He felt like an idiot, failing even the simplest tasks, making a fool of himself, while everyone around him worked like a well-adjusted machine, seemingly effortless and all while thoroughly enjoying themselves.

And then there had been dinner.

When Loki had been certain that his mood couldn’t drop any lower, it turned out that dinner was baked potatoes, cooked in the embers with butter and sour cream, which was not in line with his ideas of a healthy meal at all. 

When asking if there was at least a salad to go along with the potatoes, everyone stared at him stupidly. Volstagg’s girlfriend, Birgit, explained to him patronizingly that the salad wouldn’t have stayed fresh for the drive. But Sif interrupted her and told him that that was a great idea and that she knew where to find ramson at this time of the year and that it would make for a perfect salad.

It had been Loki’s only reprieve this afternoon, following Sif through the forest and picking ramson, which filled the air with a fresh garlic-like scent. They stayed silent and Loki was grateful for it.

At dinner, everyone praised the salad, even Volstagg’s girlfriend and Loki got the creeping suspicion that Thor had given his friends a talk about being very nice to his very broken friend, while he and Sif had been away.

Not that Loki needed nice. Modeling hadn’t been nice, and he had been just fine.

Now he was sitting next to Thor, with the fire heating up his face, while the others were emptying an entire bag of marshmallows- he wanted one too but he denied himself. Just this once he needed to know that he even still possessed the kind of self-control, that he had counted among his highest virtues.

But Thor was looking at him weirdly and it was starting to frustrate Loki.

How hard was it to simply leave him alone about all of this? His eating was monitored every single day, to begin with, refusing to eat literal, pure sugar should be his right without being questioned. 

“So, Loki, you’re looking great,” Fandral tried to start a conversation with him and while it was a compliment Loki usually loved to hear, the only thing he heard now was: you’ve gotten fat. 

“Thanks,” Loki forced a smile. “I’m trying at least to maintain some kind of…well never mind.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Fandral grinned at him. “So how are things going?”

“It’s going,” Loki smiled wryly. “What else is there to say?”

“I see, sometimes it just…goes. It’s better than when it doesn’t huh?”

“I suppose.”

“So, how’s sober life treating you?”

Loki glared at him for bringing up the topic in such a blunt way and he could feel the way Thor tensed beside him, looking over to interrupt the conversation if necessary if it turned out to be too much for Loki.

“Well, it sucks,” Loki said curtly.

“I bet. When I stopped smoking weed, boy I’m telling you things were shitty.”

“You’re an addict?” Loki asked with a frown and sat up, moving a bit away from Thor to look more directly at Fandral.

“I guess, yeah. I didn’t go into treatment, like you. I just realized I couldn’t go on like that, you know? Not gonna go into detail, but it wasn’t a fun time. And I hear withdrawal isn’t even as bad with weed addiction as it is with some other substances, but man, it was bad enough.”

“I can imagine,” Loki said, feeling a bit less alone for the first time since they had arrived. 

“And it’s not just giving up the weed,” Fandral went on. “I also had to cut ties with all my stoner friends. They were cool, I liked hanging out with them…but I just couldn’t anymore if I wanted to stop.”

Loki laughed humourlessly. 

“Sounds familiar. Feels like I have to give up everything just to be miserable. My friends, my career, my possessions. I thought it was supposed to be the other way around, where you start out with a perfect life and addiction takes all of those things from you.”

“That sucks man,” Fandral said sympathetically before he stuffed another marshmallow into his mouth. 

“It does,” Loki sighed. It was good talking to Fandral. Easy. He might not understand exactly what Loki went through, but he was ready to offer his sympathy, nonetheless. "And now I’m broke and I went up two sizes and don’t fit my clothes anymore…”

“Oh, that’s a shame, I bet you’ve got cool clothes.”

“Yes. I’ve got a lot of cool clothes,” Loki said melancholically as he looked up at the night sky.

“But…it’s just clothes you see? You could just sell them, that would help with the money problem.”

Loki huffed. The mere idea of having to sell his treasures so that other people could wear them, people who still fit them, was filling him with a feeling of unnameable dread. Those were _his_. He had selected them over years, they were the reward for all the excruciating stress he put himself through and a mirror of his personality. 

It went far beyond simple vanity.

They were a part of him. 

“I’d probably be getting only a fraction of the price I bought them for,” Loki argued. “There are not as many men invested in fashion for there to be a huge market of second-hand designer pieces.”

“You don’t think the fact that you’re a pretty big name in the industry will make the pieces more valuable?”

“No,” Loki said. His voice had gone a few degrees cooler but Fandral didn’t seem to notice. “I don’t believe it will make that much of a difference.”

“Well, money is money. I had to sell my old guitar once, it was a limited edition, beautiful, top condition. I barely got half of its original price and I was pretty angry. But I needed the money and that’s just the way things are,” Fandral shrugged, as he put another marshmallow on his stick, to roast it over the fire. “How much do you think your clothes are worth? I bet you’ve got a lot, maybe you’ll get some money out of it even if the selling conditions suck.”

Loki was completely fed up with this conversation by now but against his better judgement he still went on talking to Fandral. Maybe it was the fact that it was an opportunity to show off and Loki hardly missed those kinds of opportunities. 

He looked into the flames, as he did a brief calculation in his head. 

The true value could of course never be summed up in a simple number, besides emotional value, they had cultural importance, often being one of a kind originals by genius designers. 

“Well, altogether it’s probably worth around one million dollars.”

Fandral stared at him wide-eyed, his mouth gaping open. 

“You have clothes worth one million?!” He blurted out, loud enough to draw attention from the other members of the group.

Suddenly, everyone’s attention was on them, the mention of this outrageous sum had been enough to make everyone curious, even if they hadn’t followed the conversation up until now.

“Dollars?” Hogun asked stupidly.

“Of course, dollars,” Sif said with a laugh, but it sounded forced.

“Well then I don’t see how being broke is an issue anymore,” Fandral, who had recovered a bit from the shock, pointed out. “Even if you got half of that money for the clothes, you’d be rich.”

“He wants to sell them?” Hogun’s wife asked.

“I don’t want to sell them!” 

“But you said you’re broke?”

“Yes, but I’m simply not sure yet.”

“How can you not be sure?” Volstagg went on, incredulous. “You’ve got a million-dollar check hanging in your closet!”

“I simply haven’t made a decision yet,” Loki said through gritted teeth.

“Hey, guys, how about we drop the subject?” Thor looked around and Loki would have been grateful for his effort to end the conversation, but the group didn’t even pay attention to Thor.

“I think all of that designer clothing is a fake anyways.” Birgit declared loudly, sounding very pleased with herself for that insightful statement, as she looked at Loki from across the fire. “Most of it looks awful, to begin with. Some of these clothes, I wouldn't even want for free. You only pay for the tiny label on the inside. It’s nothing but a scam, I don’t get how anyone can fall for that.”

The group muttered in agreement, while Loki’s hands had balled into tight fists and he clenched his jaw.

“Actually that’s not-“ He began but he was interrupted before continuing the sentence.

“I think people who buy clothing _that_ expensive are either stupid or pretentious. Because with the money you spend on a single one of those pieces, you could get a whole wardrobe of perfectly fine clothing!”

“I see why someone with a dress that hideous would say something like that,” Loki snapped and once more everyone was staring at him with their mouths gaping open.

“Loki,” Thor tried, once more attempting and failing to calm everyone down.

“What’s wrong with the dress?”

“Nothing is wrong with it. But there’s also nothing right with it, let’s put it this way,” Loki said sharply. Years of quarreling in the industry had served as training to come up with the most biting insults in the blink of an eye and Loki didn’t hesitate, letting this unsuspecting woman feel it. “So why don’t you stay out of my business, if you make it so painfully obvious for everyone that you don’t have a clue about fashion?”

The only response the woman could come up with, with a few awkward seconds of delay, was a heartfelt ‘fuck you’, which was all Loki needed to get up from the log he had been sitting on. 

“I’m tired,” Loki stated. “Thanks for the lovely evening.”

And with those words he stomped off, away from the warm flames and into the cool night towards the tent he shared with Thor. 

He crawled inside, not even using his phone to light the way, hiding away from the fire and the stars in the darkness, and started crying softly, cradling his face in his hands as he shook with quiet sobs.

He wished he hadn’t come along. Better to be isolated in his room and watch shitty TV than to be here in the middle of nowhere, with all those people invalidating everything that meant anything to him, and then making it out to be like he was the bad guy because he didn't just accept it.

For a while he was just lying alone in the darkness, trying and failing to stop crying but before he could manage that, the tent's zipper was pulled open and Thor’s large body entered the tent, filling out what little space there was. 

“Go away, Thor,” Loki demanded hoarsely, but instead, Thor lied down beside him.

“It’s my tent though.”

“I want to be alone.”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Thor offered quietly. “But I don’t want you here alone either, okay?”

Loki stayed silent in the velvet darkness, choking down the sobs that crawled up his throat. In the tight space of the tent, Thor and he were already right next to each other and it was easy for Thor to lie one broad arm around him. When Loki didn’t try to get away, Thor wrapped another arm around him, holding him close.

For a while, they stayed that way. Loki fought to keep from crying while Thor was simply…there.

“You don’t want to go back to your friends?” Loki asked hoarsely. 

“Hm, I’d like to go back yes, but I brought you along for this trip,” He explained. “And since I brought you along into a group of almost strangers, I’m responsible. And it’s more important for me to know you’re okay now than to hang out with my friends. I have the entire weekend for that.”

Loki scoffed.

“Am I okay though? I don’t think I’m okay. Maybe I’ll never be.”

“Don’t say that…I think we were pretty okay down at the river. For a moment at least.”

“What’s it worth when I’ll only ever be okay being alone with you?”

Beside him Thor stayed silent for a few moments, then gently placed a kiss on Loki’s shoulder, which made something unexpected and bright flutter in Loki’s stomach, that had only been filled with heavy dread so far. 

“It’s a place to start maybe. Those people out there might be my friends but that doesn’t mean that they have to be yours. They’re very different from the people you usually spend time with, so don’t let their judgment get to you too much.”

“But this is the world I’ve got to cope with now, isn’t it?” Loki asked and he moved a bit closer, seeking comfort from Thor’s warm, large body. “People who think what I did was worthless. Who’ll laugh at me and think of me as pretentious and stupid. That everything I did was shallow and easy.”

“They don’t think so.”

“In a way they do,” Loki argued, his voice bitter. “And maybe they’re right. I wasted my whole life for some useless, superficial thing that nobody cares about anymore.”

“Loki,” Thor sighed wearily. “This was by no means your whole life.”

“But the meaningful part of it.”

“No. No part of life has more meaning by default than another. It’s about giving it meaning, you see?”

“Wow, how comes you’re a Dom for a living when you’re so clearly a philosopher?” Loki said bitterly and at that Thor snorted a laugh, that made Loki allow himself a secret smile in the darkness.

“Good point. Maybe that’ll be the next step of my career.”

Thor ran a gentle hand through Loki’s hair and he sighed softly, not feeling half as bad as he did upon entering the tent anymore. It was warm and comfortable, and Thor just seemed to be everywhere, all around him, holding him the way he always wanted to be held.

“Apropos career,” Thor said. “Have you thought about what you’d like to do once you’re out of rehab?”

“Way to ruin the mood,” Loki sighed heavily. They could have just fallen asleep like that but of course, Thor had to pry information out of him. “No. I’ve got no idea what to do. I’m pretty sure En Dwi has burnt my name, I don’t think I could even get a position as an intern in anything fashion-related.”

“Have you considered studying? You could live with me, and I actually earn quite well. I’ve got a pretty basic lifestyle, so I could support you for a while no problem.”

“We’ve barely even figured out _what_ we are. Isn’t it a bit early to move in together?”

“Well, we spent quite a lot of time together, even if it wasn’t officially titled a relationship…a lot of difficult times too. Whatever it is we have it seems to be pretty durable. And I just know that I want you to be close to me.”

Loki huffed. 

“Wait until you’ve actually been close to me for a while,” He said bitterly. “I’ve given a small preview of what I’m like by the fire.”

“That’s by far not the first preview,” Thor chuckled. “Don’t forget that you’ve dealt me quite a few verbal blows as well. And at times I wanted nothing more than to slap you…”

“Well, it was fun when you did.”

“It was,” Thor agreed. “And this…abrasiveness of yours is definitely something you need to work on. But it couldn’t make me love you less. I know you’ve lived in a world in which you had to defend yourself at every turn. I know it takes time to let go of old habits when they’re no longer needed. But for now, don’t let them undermine our future.”

“I try,” Loki said softly. “You believe me, right? That I’m trying?”

“Of course. I know you’re trying and it’s not fair that it’s so hard for you. But you’ve got to keep on trying regardless.”

“It sucks. I wish I didn’t have to fight for everything. It’s so fucking tiring.”

“I know…” Thor answered and gently ran his fingers through Loki’s hair. “How about you apologize to Birgit tomorrow? She can be a bit unbearable at times…I know. They shouldn’t have gotten themselves involved in your business like that. But you went too far.”

Loki clenched his jaw. 

“Well, I called her dress ugly, which it is, and she called me and my entire life’s work stupid and worthless, so I think she should be the one to apologize. If I even cared for her apology, that is.”

“Hm. How about I’ll give you a bit of an incentive to swallow your pride on that one?”

Loki perked up hearing that and he lifted his head to catch a look at Thor’s face in the dim, barely-there light of the moon filtering through the tent.

He licked his lips and tilted his head.

“What kind of incentive?”

Thor laughed in the darkness and pulled Loki closer.

“How about the sexy kind of incentive? I’ve heard you complain that you’re sexually unfulfilled a few times…and I think you’re stable enough for me to feel comfortable with going a bit further than what we've been doing so far. But only if you’re going to be a good boy tomorrow and apologize.”

“Even if she doesn’t deserve it?”

“Even then.”

“And what will the reward be?”

“Be nice tomorrow and you’ll find out,” Thor chuckled.

“Will you fuck me?”

“I just told you, you’ll find out tomorrow. If you apologize.”

“So, do I have to be nice, or do I just have to apologize?” Loki asked.

“Ideally both. Just do your best and it’ll pay off,” Thor said and pressed a warm kiss to Loki’s temple. “But for now, let’s just go to sleep, alright? I imagine that day was probably pretty exhausting for you.”

“I was hoping it wouldn’t show," Loki sighed and slumped back against Thor. "I used to be up on my feet for twenty hours at a time if I had to. And now a small road trip and some conversation makes me feel so damned drained…”

“You’re still recovering. Don’t beat yourself up because of it,” Thor said gently as he momentarily let go of Loki to pick up one of the thick blankets in the corner of the tent and spread it out over the both of them. “Now just rest. It’s okay. Tomorrow is another day.”

And Loki felt oddly reassured by those simple words and it wasn’t long before he drifted off into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so here we go with another chapter! Poor Loki still struggles to fit in...he comes from a vastly different background which is alienating...but at least Thor has his priorities all sorted out and knows that Loki needs him now <3 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading and I can't wait to read your thoughts and ideas, they mean so much to me and add so much value to the story too!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I am planning to make this a rather slow-built story, let's see if I succeed- I tend to be too impatient, haha. Let me know what you think!


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